7/19/2012

YMCA Stadium, Home Of The Guy With The Power Saw Who Made It Seem Like He Was Working All Night, Foxborough, MA—With it’s offense blistering like the sun’s chromosphere, Lyn’s Lame Ducks quick-fried the not-so-new-and-not-so-improved Waxy O’Connors to a crackly crunch, torrifying (yes, WITH an "o" not an "e") the poor souls in a 28 to 11 mercy-shortened win.
“The zygomatic AND the supraorbital bone? Holy moley!” espoused Coach Lyn upon hearing the final tally of Our Man Bob’s broken bones (11 if you’re curious).
What turned out to be even more curious was that someone was arriving to the game at the last minute and it wasn’t Tyler. Yes, Courtney was delayed which gave Lyn the opportunity to break out her famous college “The Bouncer Is Asking For My (Fake) ID” dance. Granted, being five down with only 9 in the field and 10 batting versus Waxy’s was more of a inconvenience than a crisis, but Coach didn’t want to have to call in Christine who was home resting her sore…well, her sore everything, truth be told.
The Ump asked the home team (The Ducks) to take the field and Jerome asked whom the home team was. “Yes, that’s my picture officer, I just had blonde hair at the time, uhhhhm.” Mercifully, Waxy’s started to zombie out to the field and Lyn was more than happy to be “the visitors” as Court squealed rubber turning in.
With the mercury rising and the Duck chicks clad in their enchanting equatorial sportswear, the game began…with a typical Brainguy double.
After Kathy lined a rocket to the third baseman, Stretch Groganski turned banjo hitter and dinked a chip shot over shortstop, much to the annoyance of the outfielders who were playing back in Pago Pago. That was all the Ducks could manage in the first, however, sprinting out to a brilliant 1 to Other-Team-Is-Coming-Up lead.
Life was dull for Waxy’s in the first, except when Hession body-blocked Lyn as she was trying to turn a double play. “I don’t slide,” he said, as Neal looked on wistfully. “You better start or I’ll kick your scrawny ass,” boiled Ms. Atkinson. The admonishment from the Ducks Ruski coach was all Waxy’s would get in the inning.
The Quacker offense responded to the violation of Lyn’s person by amassing 27 runs on 25 hits over the next four innings. The second frame began with two walks to Mattie and Lyn, then three straight singles by Heini, Timmay and Ralph that lead to a bases-clearing scalding triple to the gap by Brainguy. Kathy singled him home, then Giraffe got a legitimate hit and both he and a walked Courtney scored on Ryan’s thwack. With eight in and one out, Kara and Lyn decided they’d seen enough and the Chicks O’ Summer ended the inning right there.
Starting pitcher McDuff gave two of those runs back but got out of further trouble by striking out a guy, no less and the Champs clung to a 9-2 edge.
The Ducks built another snowman in the third. McDuff led with a generously-scored single, then watched Heini’s line drive scream down the line at third, thinking it foul. But the umpire, now schooled in the art of not “calling” a fair ball thanks to the dressing-down Kathy gave him in game two of the season, kept quiet, which meant the piano toting moron had to run for his life. Ten bottles of oxygen and a severe case of hyperventilation later, he scored mere inches in front of the Famous Science Fiction author on his home run. Two walks and a single later, The Big Galoot again doinked a dying quail, getting a couple of rinky-dink RBIs in the process. Courtney singled, then the called-up-from-single-A-short-season phenom Ryan ripped a shot to the gap. It was an easy automatic triple, except that it bounced off the puppet-storage box meaning that the ball was still “in play,” and Court was in trouble. Still she was faster than McDuff and managed to cross the plate mere nano-seconds before Ryan.