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Champs Stay Hot; Torch Waxy's Bottom - Part 1
7/19/2012
YMCA Stadium, Home Of The Guy With The Power Saw Who Made It Seem Like He Was Working All Night, Foxborough, MA—With it’s offense blistering like the sun’s chromosphere, Lyn’s Lame Ducks quick-fried the not-so-new-and-not-so-improved Waxy O’Connors to a crackly crunch, torrifying (yes, WITH an "o" not an "e") the poor souls in a 28 to 11 mercy-shortened win.
“The zygomatic AND the supraorbital bone? Holy moley!” espoused Coach Lyn upon hearing the final tally of Our Man Bob’s broken bones (11 if you’re curious).
What turned out to be even more curious was that someone was arriving to the game at the last minute and it wasn’t Tyler. Yes, Courtney was delayed which gave Lyn the opportunity to break out her famous college “The Bouncer Is Asking For My (Fake) ID” dance. Granted, being five down with only 9 in the field and 10 batting versus Waxy’s was more of a inconvenience than a crisis, but Coach didn’t want to have to call in Christine who was home resting her sore…well, her sore everything, truth be told.
The Ump asked the home team (The Ducks) to take the field and Jerome asked whom the home team was. “Yes, that’s my picture officer, I just had blonde hair at the time, uhhhhm.” Mercifully, Waxy’s started to zombie out to the field and Lyn was more than happy to be “the visitors” as Court squealed rubber turning in.
With the mercury rising and the Duck chicks clad in their enchanting equatorial sportswear, the game began…with a typical Brainguy double.
After Kathy lined a rocket to the third baseman, Stretch Groganski turned banjo hitter and dinked a chip shot over shortstop, much to the annoyance of the outfielders who were playing back in Pago Pago. That was all the Ducks could manage in the first, however, sprinting out to a brilliant 1 to Other-Team-Is-Coming-Up lead.
Life was dull for Waxy’s in the first, except when Hession body-blocked Lyn as she was trying to turn a double play. “I don’t slide,” he said, as Neal looked on wistfully. “You better start or I’ll kick your scrawny ass,” boiled Ms. Atkinson. The admonishment from the Ducks Ruski coach was all Waxy’s would get in the inning.
The Quacker offense responded to the violation of Lyn’s person by amassing 27 runs on 25 hits over the next four innings. The second frame began with two walks to Mattie and Lyn, then three straight singles by Heini, Timmay and Ralph that lead to a bases-clearing scalding triple to the gap by Brainguy. Kathy singled him home, then Giraffe got a legitimate hit and both he and a walked Courtney scored on Ryan’s thwack. With eight in and one out, Kara and Lyn decided they’d seen enough and the Chicks O’ Summer ended the inning right there.
Starting pitcher McDuff gave two of those runs back but got out of further trouble by striking out a guy, no less and the Champs clung to a 9-2 edge.
The Ducks built another snowman in the third. McDuff led with a generously-scored single, then watched Heini’s line drive scream down the line at third, thinking it foul. But the umpire, now schooled in the art of not “calling” a fair ball thanks to the dressing-down Kathy gave him in game two of the season, kept quiet, which meant the piano toting moron had to run for his life. Ten bottles of oxygen and a severe case of hyperventilation later, he scored mere inches in front of the Famous Science Fiction author on his home run. Two walks and a single later, The Big Galoot again doinked a dying quail, getting a couple of rinky-dink RBIs in the process. Courtney singled, then the called-up-from-single-A-short-season phenom Ryan ripped a shot to the gap. It was an easy automatic triple, except that it bounced off the puppet-storage box meaning that the ball was still “in play,” and Court was in trouble. Still she was faster than McDuff and managed to cross the plate mere nano-seconds before Ryan.
“The zygomatic AND the supraorbital bone? Holy moley!” espoused Coach Lyn upon hearing the final tally of Our Man Bob’s broken bones (11 if you’re curious).
What turned out to be even more curious was that someone was arriving to the game at the last minute and it wasn’t Tyler. Yes, Courtney was delayed which gave Lyn the opportunity to break out her famous college “The Bouncer Is Asking For My (Fake) ID” dance. Granted, being five down with only 9 in the field and 10 batting versus Waxy’s was more of a inconvenience than a crisis, but Coach didn’t want to have to call in Christine who was home resting her sore…well, her sore everything, truth be told.
The Ump asked the home team (The Ducks) to take the field and Jerome asked whom the home team was. “Yes, that’s my picture officer, I just had blonde hair at the time, uhhhhm.” Mercifully, Waxy’s started to zombie out to the field and Lyn was more than happy to be “the visitors” as Court squealed rubber turning in.
With the mercury rising and the Duck chicks clad in their enchanting equatorial sportswear, the game began…with a typical Brainguy double.
After Kathy lined a rocket to the third baseman, Stretch Groganski turned banjo hitter and dinked a chip shot over shortstop, much to the annoyance of the outfielders who were playing back in Pago Pago. That was all the Ducks could manage in the first, however, sprinting out to a brilliant 1 to Other-Team-Is-Coming-Up lead.
Life was dull for Waxy’s in the first, except when Hession body-blocked Lyn as she was trying to turn a double play. “I don’t slide,” he said, as Neal looked on wistfully. “You better start or I’ll kick your scrawny ass,” boiled Ms. Atkinson. The admonishment from the Ducks Ruski coach was all Waxy’s would get in the inning.
The Quacker offense responded to the violation of Lyn’s person by amassing 27 runs on 25 hits over the next four innings. The second frame began with two walks to Mattie and Lyn, then three straight singles by Heini, Timmay and Ralph that lead to a bases-clearing scalding triple to the gap by Brainguy. Kathy singled him home, then Giraffe got a legitimate hit and both he and a walked Courtney scored on Ryan’s thwack. With eight in and one out, Kara and Lyn decided they’d seen enough and the Chicks O’ Summer ended the inning right there.
Starting pitcher McDuff gave two of those runs back but got out of further trouble by striking out a guy, no less and the Champs clung to a 9-2 edge.
The Ducks built another snowman in the third. McDuff led with a generously-scored single, then watched Heini’s line drive scream down the line at third, thinking it foul. But the umpire, now schooled in the art of not “calling” a fair ball thanks to the dressing-down Kathy gave him in game two of the season, kept quiet, which meant the piano toting moron had to run for his life. Ten bottles of oxygen and a severe case of hyperventilation later, he scored mere inches in front of the Famous Science Fiction author on his home run. Two walks and a single later, The Big Galoot again doinked a dying quail, getting a couple of rinky-dink RBIs in the process. Courtney singled, then the called-up-from-single-A-short-season phenom Ryan ripped a shot to the gap. It was an easy automatic triple, except that it bounced off the puppet-storage box meaning that the ball was still “in play,” and Court was in trouble. Still she was faster than McDuff and managed to cross the plate mere nano-seconds before Ryan.
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Champs Stay Hot; Torch Waxy's Bottom - Part 2
7/19/2012
Lyn ended the inning tomahawking a pop to the pitcher while claiming she was “killing that pitch last night.” You mean in your dreams? (Looks like graybox city for us after that comment).Waxy’s got back, man, in the third. A flyball over Timmay’s head, singles to the gap, hits JUST out of the fielders reach, Shawn running like a, well, HessiAn on the basepaths, grounders as elusive as the Higgs boson, a ball that must’ve hit a lunar mascon (look it up!) bounding past said Timmay…it was WILD. Heck it a keystone kopish (http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=342544945856322429), McDuff-Must-Be-Pitching inning, but he wasn’t. The whole mess mercifully came to an end on a couple of pop ups, but not before Waxy’s plated six, even though it felt like 26. The Ducks were still reclining however, drinks in hand with their nine run lead.
Six more Quackers crossed the plate in the fourth, thanks in part to Heini’s third hit (on three pitches no less), three walks, three singles and NO thanks to a Ryan foul strike out (put in the book by Kara as an F.O., or in Kara’s terms, F-off!). With the Mercy Rule looming like a giant amoeba, the Ducks held a 23-8 advantage.
In their half of the inning, Waxy’s was treated to the Champs deadly outfield porno duo of Spanky Club and Whippy Pond, but their writhing moves were subsequently overshadowed by A Bad Moon Risin’ at shortstop as Brainguy turned in some “pull out quick” plays, including an inning-ending double play.
Inning five rolled in and the Duck offense would just…not…stop. Batting averages and bras were padded as Our Fishless Heroes scored ïÿòü on singles by Raven, Coach, Sci-Fi Author, Denim Man, Brainguy, Special K and Spanky (another cheapie by the way. He claimed he was tired because he had to get up at 8:53 to be at his job for 9. Yep, tough).
Waxy’s tried desperately to keep the game going (well, not THAT desperately. they just wanted to go and drink…sort of like the Ducks!) and to kill McDuff in right, but the soaring fly ball over his head towards the Robert “Bobby” Skull Mashing Memorial Utility Pole was in vain, thanks to everyone on the team (except for Mattie who calmly instructed “It’s over your head.” Yep, thanks a heap) yelling “POLE!” Lyn was laughing too darn hard to get a handle on the cutoff, not that it mattered of course. Waxy’s got three but they needed six so the game finally came to a screeching halt at 28-11.
The Lame Duck offense has been positively scorching ever since they recovered from seeing Bobby’s Freddy Kruger face on Sunday night. Over the last 10 innings, the Champs have scored 57 runs on 56 hits taking 13 walks. In this game alone, the top three in the order (Brain, Kay and Gigantor) were a redonkulous 11 for 12 while the bottom three (Heini, Timmay and Ralphie) were close with a silly 9 for 11.
“(Sniff) We’re just doin’ it for the Man With The Ruined Face!” cheered Lyn as the after-game Ducks hoisted their brews in tribute while a still-hanging-around-from-the-first-game Neal leered at the shapely Quacker ladies.
Geez why couldn’t HE have hit the pole?
Champs 1 8 8 6 5—28
Waxys 0 2 6 0 3—11
Six more Quackers crossed the plate in the fourth, thanks in part to Heini’s third hit (on three pitches no less), three walks, three singles and NO thanks to a Ryan foul strike out (put in the book by Kara as an F.O., or in Kara’s terms, F-off!). With the Mercy Rule looming like a giant amoeba, the Ducks held a 23-8 advantage.
In their half of the inning, Waxy’s was treated to the Champs deadly outfield porno duo of Spanky Club and Whippy Pond, but their writhing moves were subsequently overshadowed by A Bad Moon Risin’ at shortstop as Brainguy turned in some “pull out quick” plays, including an inning-ending double play.
Inning five rolled in and the Duck offense would just…not…stop. Batting averages and bras were padded as Our Fishless Heroes scored ïÿòü on singles by Raven, Coach, Sci-Fi Author, Denim Man, Brainguy, Special K and Spanky (another cheapie by the way. He claimed he was tired because he had to get up at 8:53 to be at his job for 9. Yep, tough).
Waxy’s tried desperately to keep the game going (well, not THAT desperately. they just wanted to go and drink…sort of like the Ducks!) and to kill McDuff in right, but the soaring fly ball over his head towards the Robert “Bobby” Skull Mashing Memorial Utility Pole was in vain, thanks to everyone on the team (except for Mattie who calmly instructed “It’s over your head.” Yep, thanks a heap) yelling “POLE!” Lyn was laughing too darn hard to get a handle on the cutoff, not that it mattered of course. Waxy’s got three but they needed six so the game finally came to a screeching halt at 28-11.
The Lame Duck offense has been positively scorching ever since they recovered from seeing Bobby’s Freddy Kruger face on Sunday night. Over the last 10 innings, the Champs have scored 57 runs on 56 hits taking 13 walks. In this game alone, the top three in the order (Brain, Kay and Gigantor) were a redonkulous 11 for 12 while the bottom three (Heini, Timmay and Ralphie) were close with a silly 9 for 11.
“(Sniff) We’re just doin’ it for the Man With The Ruined Face!” cheered Lyn as the after-game Ducks hoisted their brews in tribute while a still-hanging-around-from-the-first-game Neal leered at the shapely Quacker ladies.
Geez why couldn’t HE have hit the pole?
Champs 1 8 8 6 5—28
Waxys 0 2 6 0 3—11
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Champs Stuff Sterling, Implode Upper Deck; Pole Fillets Fish! - Part 1
7/19/2012
YMCA Stadium, Home Of The Killer Right Field Telephone Pole, Foxborough, MA—After Mayor Of Foxborough Robert “Bobby” Fisher rescinded his presidential candidacy because he lost (face by running) in(to) the (RF) poll(e)s, Lyn’s Lame Ducks regrouped and pounded the crap out of everyone, sweeping Sunday’s dank and humid twin bill 14 to 6 and 23 to 5.
“Yep, might leave a mark,” drolled Coach Lyn after seeing half of Bobby’s face melted off.
“Why didn’t you catch the ball ya dork?” asked the EMTs.
“Ouch,” said the telephone pole.
“It was all my fault!” screamed Mattie with rending of garments and gnashing of teeth (although he couldn’t have felt TOO much remorse as he rifled through Bobby’s wallet before tossing it into the ambulance onto his prone body).
The night was already proving to be one of interest as the five o’clock ‘B’ division game droned on ‘til about ten to seven. Finally the Ducks sprinted to the bat rack, Tyler showed up and the game could begin.
“Yep, might leave a mark,” drolled Coach Lyn after seeing half of Bobby’s face melted off.
“Why didn’t you catch the ball ya dork?” asked the EMTs.
“Ouch,” said the telephone pole.
“It was all my fault!” screamed Mattie with rending of garments and gnashing of teeth (although he couldn’t have felt TOO much remorse as he rifled through Bobby’s wallet before tossing it into the ambulance onto his prone body).
The night was already proving to be one of interest as the five o’clock ‘B’ division game droned on ‘til about ten to seven. Finally the Ducks sprinted to the bat rack, Tyler showed up and the game could begin.
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Champs Stuff Sterling, Implode Upper Deck; Pole Fillets Fish! - Part 2
7/19/2012
GAME ONE
Although Sterling Equipment was a ‘B’ team, they still had some heavy hitters (as Stretch pointed out) and did give Our Heroes all sorts of problems last year.
And as a quick aside, we know that our game summaries are inaccurate, but this time wildly so as the scorebook was zero help in most instances. So if your single ended up a double or your home run became a can of corn, take it up with Bobby. Might’s well blame him.
At any rate, Brainguy decided to start off his 8 for 10 night with a measly single but lost half his leg sliding into second due to Kathy’s fielders choice (“Sorry!” giggled Special K). Not wanting to show off his AWESOME POWER, Stretch singled, as did Our Girl Court and the newest Doctor Who Fan, Ryan, bulleted a double past someone somewhere. Kara, Mattie and Lyn followed with solid hits but the inning came to a crashing halt when McDuff embarrassingly popped to the pitcher. Still, the Ducks gave him a five-run lead to squander when he took the half muddy/half dusty, not-really-a-mound.
Pitching somewhat terribly, as Coach Lyn pointed out later, he immediately gave up a single, then walked a kinda purty chick, gave up another ringing hit and watched detachedly as Sterling sliced the Duck lead to 3. He finally got out of the inning thanks to no help of his own.
The second looked promising for the Champs, with Bob and Ralph starting off with walks, but Brainguy, Kathy and Tyler decided to go one, two, three and that was that.
Ah, then came the fateful bottom of the inning. It was bad enough when McDuff deflected a grounder heading directly towards Lyn, but with one out and one on a Sterling lefty mashed a McDuff meatball to right. The ball kept carrying and Bobby kept drifting, drifting, and drifting until his face said “hello” to the net-wielding phone pole with an audible “splat,” sort of like a grapefruit dropping on pavement from 20 meters. Fish fell like someone had cut his strings. Mattie managed to get the ball to Lyn who hurled it towards home, then the Raven surveyed the damage to his crumpled teammate.
“He didn’t look much worse than any of those victims in the “Halloween” flicks,” said Mattie, “But then again…”
Indeed. Bobby was bleeding like Bash Bish Falls and had a small gash in his eyebrow the size of the Louisiana Purchase. He kept trying to get the towels away from his eye so he could see the shapely woman attending to his care but she, smartly, refused.
Although Sterling Equipment was a ‘B’ team, they still had some heavy hitters (as Stretch pointed out) and did give Our Heroes all sorts of problems last year.
And as a quick aside, we know that our game summaries are inaccurate, but this time wildly so as the scorebook was zero help in most instances. So if your single ended up a double or your home run became a can of corn, take it up with Bobby. Might’s well blame him.
At any rate, Brainguy decided to start off his 8 for 10 night with a measly single but lost half his leg sliding into second due to Kathy’s fielders choice (“Sorry!” giggled Special K). Not wanting to show off his AWESOME POWER, Stretch singled, as did Our Girl Court and the newest Doctor Who Fan, Ryan, bulleted a double past someone somewhere. Kara, Mattie and Lyn followed with solid hits but the inning came to a crashing halt when McDuff embarrassingly popped to the pitcher. Still, the Ducks gave him a five-run lead to squander when he took the half muddy/half dusty, not-really-a-mound.
Pitching somewhat terribly, as Coach Lyn pointed out later, he immediately gave up a single, then walked a kinda purty chick, gave up another ringing hit and watched detachedly as Sterling sliced the Duck lead to 3. He finally got out of the inning thanks to no help of his own.
The second looked promising for the Champs, with Bob and Ralph starting off with walks, but Brainguy, Kathy and Tyler decided to go one, two, three and that was that.
Ah, then came the fateful bottom of the inning. It was bad enough when McDuff deflected a grounder heading directly towards Lyn, but with one out and one on a Sterling lefty mashed a McDuff meatball to right. The ball kept carrying and Bobby kept drifting, drifting, and drifting until his face said “hello” to the net-wielding phone pole with an audible “splat,” sort of like a grapefruit dropping on pavement from 20 meters. Fish fell like someone had cut his strings. Mattie managed to get the ball to Lyn who hurled it towards home, then the Raven surveyed the damage to his crumpled teammate.
“He didn’t look much worse than any of those victims in the “Halloween” flicks,” said Mattie, “But then again…”
Indeed. Bobby was bleeding like Bash Bish Falls and had a small gash in his eyebrow the size of the Louisiana Purchase. He kept trying to get the towels away from his eye so he could see the shapely woman attending to his care but she, smartly, refused.
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Champs Stuff Sterling, Implode Upper Deck; Pole Fillets Fish! - Part 3
7/19/2012
The police came (it rated only one officer and a jokester at that) then the ambulance as the Man With The Ruined Face kept his sense of humor but not his blood.
Carted up and loaded in like a slab of meat, everyone made sure Bobby had his med insurance card which didn’t seem to help any because four hours after the incident, his eye wound still gaped open, sending out a open invitation to necrotizing fasciitis. The poor kid would’ve been stitched up faster if he had the ambulance drive him the 650 miles to the Cleveland Clinic.
It was discovered at the Why Is This Called An Emergency Room? that Fish had a broken nose and busted ocular sockets. It made for good post game discussion when Ryan wondered aloud at what point to they call it a “broken skull”? “Those bones ARE parts of the skull are they not?” he mused.
And we’re sure Robert would be pleased to know that in our famous “summary book,” the incident is listed as “Bob dies on fly to right.”
Grudgingly, there was still a game to play, but the Champs were a little shaky. Their offense stalled over the next three innings and Sterling went ahead on a controversial home run in the fourth. With one on, a Sterlinger smashed a fly to the left field gap. Both Ryan and Tyler gave chase the ball bounced and hit the light post as Giraffe dutifully lifted his arms for the universal “touchdown” signal, no wait, the universal (?) “triple” signal.
But wait! The cemented-in-place umpire claimed the ball hit the pole on the fly and was a home run. Tyler loudly voiced his complaint, peppered with what Spongebob and his friend Patrick called “sentence enhancers” (look it up!). Lyn had to admonish the boy since the last thing she needed was a nine-person team, although she did smirk at the idea of The Big Galoot getting his butt tossed.
Lyn’s feathers got more ruffled when she got to the bench and Jerome told her the game would be coming to a close after one more inning. Steamed, but in that gentle, FIRM way, she explained to The Y Guy that the previous game went over so why should we get punished? Coach must’ve had “that look” on her face as Jerome folded like a camp chair.
The Ducks finally got out of their Bobby-induced stupor enough to valiantly take the lead back in the sixth, with the big blow being another “burned the outfielder” triple by Kathy (getting to be a habit, eh?).
Meanwhile the Quacker defense was shutting down their opponents like National Grid in a storm, as Brainguy was saying “Lookit me!!” all night long, making some incredible, almost ‘E’-like plays (hey, we said ALMOST).
The Champs offense started cranking too, posting six big runs in the seventh thanks to Kara, Mattie, Lyn, Ralphie, Brainguy, Kathy, Giraffe, Court and Ryan, but certainly NOT McDuff who was having an awful game under the Spectre Of Face-Shattered Fish.
The Ducks shut out Sterling once again in the final dull inning, except for Kara’s juggling act on a line drive. Most thought the ball hit her glove and then her head, but she claimed it hit her hand as indeed, the sound produced wasn’t hollow enough to be her head (Rimshot). (Geez, do you REALLY have to look it up??).
So our Heroes survived and came away with a spent Fish and a 14 to 6 win. Bobby did text from the ER later on that he would indeed be at Tuesday’s game because he wanted to show off his “boss plastic facemask!” http://www.mwmas.com/headguard_w_face_mask_black_241_prd1.htm
Game One
Champs 5 0 0 0 0 3 6—14
Sterling 2 2 0 2 0 0 0—6
Carted up and loaded in like a slab of meat, everyone made sure Bobby had his med insurance card which didn’t seem to help any because four hours after the incident, his eye wound still gaped open, sending out a open invitation to necrotizing fasciitis. The poor kid would’ve been stitched up faster if he had the ambulance drive him the 650 miles to the Cleveland Clinic.
It was discovered at the Why Is This Called An Emergency Room? that Fish had a broken nose and busted ocular sockets. It made for good post game discussion when Ryan wondered aloud at what point to they call it a “broken skull”? “Those bones ARE parts of the skull are they not?” he mused.
And we’re sure Robert would be pleased to know that in our famous “summary book,” the incident is listed as “Bob dies on fly to right.”
Grudgingly, there was still a game to play, but the Champs were a little shaky. Their offense stalled over the next three innings and Sterling went ahead on a controversial home run in the fourth. With one on, a Sterlinger smashed a fly to the left field gap. Both Ryan and Tyler gave chase the ball bounced and hit the light post as Giraffe dutifully lifted his arms for the universal “touchdown” signal, no wait, the universal (?) “triple” signal.
But wait! The cemented-in-place umpire claimed the ball hit the pole on the fly and was a home run. Tyler loudly voiced his complaint, peppered with what Spongebob and his friend Patrick called “sentence enhancers” (look it up!). Lyn had to admonish the boy since the last thing she needed was a nine-person team, although she did smirk at the idea of The Big Galoot getting his butt tossed.
Lyn’s feathers got more ruffled when she got to the bench and Jerome told her the game would be coming to a close after one more inning. Steamed, but in that gentle, FIRM way, she explained to The Y Guy that the previous game went over so why should we get punished? Coach must’ve had “that look” on her face as Jerome folded like a camp chair.
The Ducks finally got out of their Bobby-induced stupor enough to valiantly take the lead back in the sixth, with the big blow being another “burned the outfielder” triple by Kathy (getting to be a habit, eh?).
Meanwhile the Quacker defense was shutting down their opponents like National Grid in a storm, as Brainguy was saying “Lookit me!!” all night long, making some incredible, almost ‘E’-like plays (hey, we said ALMOST).
The Champs offense started cranking too, posting six big runs in the seventh thanks to Kara, Mattie, Lyn, Ralphie, Brainguy, Kathy, Giraffe, Court and Ryan, but certainly NOT McDuff who was having an awful game under the Spectre Of Face-Shattered Fish.
The Ducks shut out Sterling once again in the final dull inning, except for Kara’s juggling act on a line drive. Most thought the ball hit her glove and then her head, but she claimed it hit her hand as indeed, the sound produced wasn’t hollow enough to be her head (Rimshot). (Geez, do you REALLY have to look it up??).
So our Heroes survived and came away with a spent Fish and a 14 to 6 win. Bobby did text from the ER later on that he would indeed be at Tuesday’s game because he wanted to show off his “boss plastic facemask!” http://www.mwmas.com/headguard_w_face_mask_black_241_prd1.htm
Game One
Champs 5 0 0 0 0 3 6—14
Sterling 2 2 0 2 0 0 0—6
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Champs Stuff Sterling, Implode Upper Deck; Pole Fillets Fish! - Part 4
7/19/2012
Game Two
In the middle of game one with the Ducks quite preoccupied and trailing by one, Coach Neal stuck his honker into the area and asked, “Are you killing them?” Little did he know that HIS team would about to become the burnt offering to the softball gods.
Truthfully, Coach Lyn was concerned about this one because of her lack of Quack versus a strengthening Upper Deck team, but her spit and paste lineup volley’d & thunder’d, bothering Neal’s team like hundreds of those annoying laser pointers.
In the middle of game one with the Ducks quite preoccupied and trailing by one, Coach Neal stuck his honker into the area and asked, “Are you killing them?” Little did he know that HIS team would about to become the burnt offering to the softball gods.
Truthfully, Coach Lyn was concerned about this one because of her lack of Quack versus a strengthening Upper Deck team, but her spit and paste lineup volley’d & thunder’d, bothering Neal’s team like hundreds of those annoying laser pointers.
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Champs Stuff Sterling, Implode Upper Deck; Pole Fillets Fish! - Part 5
7/19/2012
After their usual pregame Coaches blathering, sorry we meant “talk,” Upper Deck got their first runner on.
And that was all they got that inning.
The Ducks, meanwhile, went about their business as Brainguy ripped a leadoff double and Kathy reached on an error. This brought up Tyler, who was still cheesed off over that “home run” call in game one. Not wanting to take any chances, Giraffe took a mighty swing; the ball pierced the cloying air like an unholy Scud, screamed over the puppet stage in left center for a branch shattering, honest-to-goodness home run.
Unfortunately, Tyler’s Sam was so preoccupied about having to check on “a roast in the oven” that she thought the ball was hit by another batter and ignored it. Oh well, we’re sure she’s pretty much bored by his antics anyways.
The Ducks would wallop in four more runs and have a 7-0 lead after one.
Upper Deck tried to get something going in the second, but a nice tag by Courtney on a wild throw by Brainguy (“I hate throwing the small ball.” We know but this was the big ball, BG), and two fielders choices ended events quicker than a creosote-laced telephone pole can stop a human.
News Flash: Tyler TOOK A PITCH in the second (“I did it for Court”) then doubled, scoring on a sizzling single by Ryan. Kara, Kara, Kara, Kara, Kara Chameleon then got Ryan home and it was 9-0 Champs after two.
The Duck defense kept the sleeper hold (look it up!) on Neal’s Pervs in the third while the offense went supersonic. Black Diamonds were assaulting Upper Deck like Mayflies as Ralph, Brainguy, Kathy and McDuff of all people each had two hits in the third inning. Tyler did make a bid to join the “two hits in the same inning” club as his rocket line drive pretty much took the third baseman’s glove off, but Kathy thought the ball was caught and loafed it to third, the upshot of which Gigantor ended up with only a FC for his troubles. It didn’t much matter as the Champs found themselves with a hilarious 20 to 0 lead. Now the last time the Ducks were up by this much, they gave back fifteen runs with a new defensive alignment.
But luckily for Coach Lyn, neither Timmay nor E was in the house.
Behind the backstop, Neal secretly gathered his troops for a “We’re getting our asses kicked from here to eternity” pep talk. His uplifting, inspiring diatribe got his team to do el ziltcho once again with Tyler slamming shut the inning by catching a sinking line drive he claimed he "couldn’t see."
The Quackers got two singles, two reached on errors and a walk to extend their laughable lead to 23 to 0 (Stretch is that roast ready yet??).
The Deckians finally broke through in the fifth, giving themselves a rousing mock cheer (do you think that irritated their coach?) when their first run of the night crossed the plate. Four additional runs would come in, two thanks to a dive by McDuff in right, who was so bored by the lack of plays that he figured he had to get his jersey dirty SOMEHOW. Idiot.
At any rate, they didn’t score enough runs to make it a game, so the proceedings came to a merciful close with the Ducks on the good side of a 23 to 5 score as petrichor permeated the air.
Still, after the handshake ceremony, the Upper Deckians were abuzz, wondering to each other who in the name of Satan would get one of Coach Neal’s famous “game balls” for this outrage. We never found out who managed, but the Duck game ball would’ve went to their lame, Lame Duck comrade, Bobby…bouncing right off his dented noggin, knowing HIS luck.
But don’t worry: the cops were rooting around the area at about 10:15 last night and were last seen driving away with the right field telephone pole in handcuffs.
Game Two
Upper Dinks 0 0 0 0 5—5
Champs 7 2 (11) 3 x—23
And that was all they got that inning.
The Ducks, meanwhile, went about their business as Brainguy ripped a leadoff double and Kathy reached on an error. This brought up Tyler, who was still cheesed off over that “home run” call in game one. Not wanting to take any chances, Giraffe took a mighty swing; the ball pierced the cloying air like an unholy Scud, screamed over the puppet stage in left center for a branch shattering, honest-to-goodness home run.
Unfortunately, Tyler’s Sam was so preoccupied about having to check on “a roast in the oven” that she thought the ball was hit by another batter and ignored it. Oh well, we’re sure she’s pretty much bored by his antics anyways.
The Ducks would wallop in four more runs and have a 7-0 lead after one.
Upper Deck tried to get something going in the second, but a nice tag by Courtney on a wild throw by Brainguy (“I hate throwing the small ball.” We know but this was the big ball, BG), and two fielders choices ended events quicker than a creosote-laced telephone pole can stop a human.
News Flash: Tyler TOOK A PITCH in the second (“I did it for Court”) then doubled, scoring on a sizzling single by Ryan. Kara, Kara, Kara, Kara, Kara Chameleon then got Ryan home and it was 9-0 Champs after two.
The Duck defense kept the sleeper hold (look it up!) on Neal’s Pervs in the third while the offense went supersonic. Black Diamonds were assaulting Upper Deck like Mayflies as Ralph, Brainguy, Kathy and McDuff of all people each had two hits in the third inning. Tyler did make a bid to join the “two hits in the same inning” club as his rocket line drive pretty much took the third baseman’s glove off, but Kathy thought the ball was caught and loafed it to third, the upshot of which Gigantor ended up with only a FC for his troubles. It didn’t much matter as the Champs found themselves with a hilarious 20 to 0 lead. Now the last time the Ducks were up by this much, they gave back fifteen runs with a new defensive alignment.
But luckily for Coach Lyn, neither Timmay nor E was in the house.
Behind the backstop, Neal secretly gathered his troops for a “We’re getting our asses kicked from here to eternity” pep talk. His uplifting, inspiring diatribe got his team to do el ziltcho once again with Tyler slamming shut the inning by catching a sinking line drive he claimed he "couldn’t see."
The Quackers got two singles, two reached on errors and a walk to extend their laughable lead to 23 to 0 (Stretch is that roast ready yet??).
The Deckians finally broke through in the fifth, giving themselves a rousing mock cheer (do you think that irritated their coach?) when their first run of the night crossed the plate. Four additional runs would come in, two thanks to a dive by McDuff in right, who was so bored by the lack of plays that he figured he had to get his jersey dirty SOMEHOW. Idiot.
At any rate, they didn’t score enough runs to make it a game, so the proceedings came to a merciful close with the Ducks on the good side of a 23 to 5 score as petrichor permeated the air.
Still, after the handshake ceremony, the Upper Deckians were abuzz, wondering to each other who in the name of Satan would get one of Coach Neal’s famous “game balls” for this outrage. We never found out who managed, but the Duck game ball would’ve went to their lame, Lame Duck comrade, Bobby…bouncing right off his dented noggin, knowing HIS luck.
But don’t worry: the cops were rooting around the area at about 10:15 last night and were last seen driving away with the right field telephone pole in handcuffs.
Game Two
Upper Dinks 0 0 0 0 5—5
Champs 7 2 (11) 3 x—23
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Champs All Thumbs Versus Stabbinďż˝ - Part 1
7/09/2012
YMCA Stadium, Home Of The Freshly Painted Home Plate And First Base Although You Couldn’t Tell, Foxborough, MA—
Well, at least there were Krista’s freshly baked cookies around to drown their sorrows.
That was pretty much the highlight of the night as Lyn’s Lame Ducks’ watermelon sherbet plunged off the cone and onto the grimy sidewalk, leaving them to cry ‘til they bled in a 14 to 13 loss to an irritating bunch of Stabbinaires.
“How much you wanna bet the furniture is going to look like something put together by Pablo Picasso when I get home?” asked Coach Lyn, trying desperately to deflect the shame of a positively ugly Duck game to the mechanical misfortunes of her husband, Dan.
Now the uninitiated who weren’t there (and you know who you are, but we’re not naming names Brainguy, E, Sunshine and Kara) probably looked at the final score and said “Huh. How bad could it have been?”
Not quite Mount Saint Helens bad, but think Popocatepetl bad. Then again, after looking at the fifth and sixth innings, Krakatoa comes to mind (look ‘em ALL up!)
With the enticing aroma of fresh-baked cookies replacing the rancid stench of Tyler’s pine tar rag, the game got underway. Coach Lyn, who must’ve had brain lesions, started McDuff on the hill. Surprisingly, the Walking Man got Stabbin’ to go one, two, hit, three and one had to wonder if the dangling of a cookie reward for him was the reason. The Duck offense obviously didn’t want any cookies because they went one, hit, two, walk, three and the first ended as exciting as a nil/nil soccer game (or ANY soccer game for some of us, sorry Kay and Heini).
McDuff reverted to normal in the second, giving Stabbin’s Sean the opportunity to hit the ball off of a tee. The subsequent missile landed somewhere near East Oshkosh. Krista gave Timmay grief for not even TRYING to scale the puppet stage in order to get a few feet closer to the uncatchable neutrino. “If the imbecile jumped he would’ve had it,” she haughtily sniffed.
McDuff then walked a cute female but got out of the inning giving up only the one run (and getting her lawyer’s phone number).
The Quacker offense remained MIA, even though they loaded the bases with two outs, thanks to a single by Christine (in her first 2012 at bat), a walk to Heini and a single by Robert. Timmay then got under a pitch and popped to the annoying shortstop.
The third finally righted itself, with Ralphie back on the mound, although Stabbin’ managed to plate one after a bad hop triple to right.
Dave made a good catch on a line drive to his right, and Christine pitched in, snaring a pop up at the plate.
The Champs offense put down their frosty beverages and reasserted itself. Ralph singled, then went to third on Dave’s double, but got whacked by an errant throw. The sound of the “thunk” made most of the team fear that Ralph got it on the coconut, but luckily, it was only his throwing shoulder and not his brain, although his spastic, seizure-like dance around third made people rethink the “shoulder” idea. Kathy and Ryan came up with two big singles and the inning kept rolling, until a silly third base coach tried to score the Galápagos tortoise that was McDuff (see? Old AND slow!) from second on a Heini single. He was so far out at the plate he wasn’t even in the same zip code so the Ducks had to be satisfied with six runs and a 6-2 lead.
Stabbin’ continued to wind up their offense, getting two back in the fourth with the Ducks beginning to show dangerous signs of defensive ineptism. Still, those cookies got Our Heroes refocused. Two singles but then two quick outs almost toppled the house of cards, but a Kathy walk and consecutive hits by Ryan, Court and Mattie restored some semblance of Duck order, until Court got “thrown out” at third (even though she was clearly safe, but that’s what you get when the umpire is friends with the opposing team, uh huh).
Well, at least there were Krista’s freshly baked cookies around to drown their sorrows.
That was pretty much the highlight of the night as Lyn’s Lame Ducks’ watermelon sherbet plunged off the cone and onto the grimy sidewalk, leaving them to cry ‘til they bled in a 14 to 13 loss to an irritating bunch of Stabbinaires.
“How much you wanna bet the furniture is going to look like something put together by Pablo Picasso when I get home?” asked Coach Lyn, trying desperately to deflect the shame of a positively ugly Duck game to the mechanical misfortunes of her husband, Dan.
Now the uninitiated who weren’t there (and you know who you are, but we’re not naming names Brainguy, E, Sunshine and Kara) probably looked at the final score and said “Huh. How bad could it have been?”
Not quite Mount Saint Helens bad, but think Popocatepetl bad. Then again, after looking at the fifth and sixth innings, Krakatoa comes to mind (look ‘em ALL up!)
With the enticing aroma of fresh-baked cookies replacing the rancid stench of Tyler’s pine tar rag, the game got underway. Coach Lyn, who must’ve had brain lesions, started McDuff on the hill. Surprisingly, the Walking Man got Stabbin’ to go one, two, hit, three and one had to wonder if the dangling of a cookie reward for him was the reason. The Duck offense obviously didn’t want any cookies because they went one, hit, two, walk, three and the first ended as exciting as a nil/nil soccer game (or ANY soccer game for some of us, sorry Kay and Heini).
McDuff reverted to normal in the second, giving Stabbin’s Sean the opportunity to hit the ball off of a tee. The subsequent missile landed somewhere near East Oshkosh. Krista gave Timmay grief for not even TRYING to scale the puppet stage in order to get a few feet closer to the uncatchable neutrino. “If the imbecile jumped he would’ve had it,” she haughtily sniffed.
McDuff then walked a cute female but got out of the inning giving up only the one run (and getting her lawyer’s phone number).
The Quacker offense remained MIA, even though they loaded the bases with two outs, thanks to a single by Christine (in her first 2012 at bat), a walk to Heini and a single by Robert. Timmay then got under a pitch and popped to the annoying shortstop.
The third finally righted itself, with Ralphie back on the mound, although Stabbin’ managed to plate one after a bad hop triple to right.
Dave made a good catch on a line drive to his right, and Christine pitched in, snaring a pop up at the plate.
The Champs offense put down their frosty beverages and reasserted itself. Ralph singled, then went to third on Dave’s double, but got whacked by an errant throw. The sound of the “thunk” made most of the team fear that Ralph got it on the coconut, but luckily, it was only his throwing shoulder and not his brain, although his spastic, seizure-like dance around third made people rethink the “shoulder” idea. Kathy and Ryan came up with two big singles and the inning kept rolling, until a silly third base coach tried to score the Galápagos tortoise that was McDuff (see? Old AND slow!) from second on a Heini single. He was so far out at the plate he wasn’t even in the same zip code so the Ducks had to be satisfied with six runs and a 6-2 lead.
Stabbin’ continued to wind up their offense, getting two back in the fourth with the Ducks beginning to show dangerous signs of defensive ineptism. Still, those cookies got Our Heroes refocused. Two singles but then two quick outs almost toppled the house of cards, but a Kathy walk and consecutive hits by Ryan, Court and Mattie restored some semblance of Duck order, until Court got “thrown out” at third (even though she was clearly safe, but that’s what you get when the umpire is friends with the opposing team, uh huh).
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Champs All Thumbs Versus Stabbinďż˝ - Part 2
7/09/2012
The Champs were enjoying a 10-4 lead when everything went from cookies to positively dreadful. Team Stabbin’ scored a whopping 10 runs (whaaa…?) over the next three innings as the Ducks formerly impressive defensive machine went tilt. Well-smacked balls were masticated as singles then immediately defecated as doubles, triples and homers. Bob tracked down a ball that stayed in play and had to throw it over the canopy in left, with the ball skipping like a stone past the cutoff. Cheapies abounded. Dave ran like heck to try and glove one by the honeywagon (LIU!) but slipped on some dripping toilet water and slid underneath the poopdeck like an otter, stinky but unharmed. The innings went from bad to worse to just plain God-awful. It felt like being in an unbalanced washing machine full of Ninja Throwing Stars. Coach Lyn finally showed the cowering minions how it’s done, being a dirty girl and diving for a hotshot grounder up the middle. She gloved it, got up and threw to Court who made the perfect stretch. Ryan in left then ended the repugnant mess by tracking down and making a great grab on a chick’s bid to shoot the gap.
While the defensive Keystone Cops malarkey http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=342544945856322429 was going on, the Duck offense checked out and left no forwarding address. Gone. Disappeared. Vaporized. Lyn’s Flock was a miserable one for seven over innings five and six with the outs being of the simpleton variety.
Still…
The Champs were only down 4 as they came up in the seventh. After a ridiculously quick two outs the team turned their lonely eyes to you (Lyn) and put on the “never say die” game face of their Coach. “What? Make a zillion trips to Russia over a billion and a half years, fill out an avalanche of paperwork…three or four times to MAYBE adopt a child (or two)? Whatever! Bring it on, Comrades!”
Ryan singled then Court singled to right, with the goofball right fielder trying to throw the poor girl out at first. Court got a tidy black and blue the size of a softball for her efforts, but she was “FINE!” and stayed in the game (Gowan! Ask again if she’s ok! Wait. I thought she couldn’t talk???). One run in. Mattie then plonks another RBI single. Two runs in. Lyn joins the fun with yet ANOTHER RBI single. Three runs in. McDuff, not wanting to make the last out for once, singled. It was left up to Christine, who after a gutsy at bat, grounded out (truthfully, if we had all those drugs with “x”s in them coursing through our system, we would’ve stayed home in bed with the lights off and barf bucket ready).
But mercifully, we didn’t feel like puke and were able to scarf some of those delicious cookies! (Heini: “(To Krista) You baked these?” Krista: “Yes” Heini: “Wow do you have any sisters at home?” Timmay: “She has a brother if that would help.” Heini: “Can he cook?” Badabing).
“We played as badly as we could and they played as well as they could and we still almost won,” pointed out The Queen Of Quackers in her first concession speech of the year.
Indeed. The Lame Ducks should take with them the fact that they are NEVER out of any game, even when behind by a quite a few with two outs in the last inning. Opponents who are kickin’ back and relaxing while playing this team will be guaranteed a missing limb and a heluva migraine in the morning.
Now the Ducks get to absorb their first loss of 2012 and get pretty darned pissed about it just to come out and play Stabbin’ yet again as part of the Final Sunday In June doubleheader.
We have the feeling the Stabbers might wanna bring a whole bunch of zolmitriptan.
And an extra leg.
Stabbin’ 0 1 1 2 2 5 3—14
Champs 0 0 6 4 0 0 3—13
While the defensive Keystone Cops malarkey http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=342544945856322429 was going on, the Duck offense checked out and left no forwarding address. Gone. Disappeared. Vaporized. Lyn’s Flock was a miserable one for seven over innings five and six with the outs being of the simpleton variety.
Still…
The Champs were only down 4 as they came up in the seventh. After a ridiculously quick two outs the team turned their lonely eyes to you (Lyn) and put on the “never say die” game face of their Coach. “What? Make a zillion trips to Russia over a billion and a half years, fill out an avalanche of paperwork…three or four times to MAYBE adopt a child (or two)? Whatever! Bring it on, Comrades!”
Ryan singled then Court singled to right, with the goofball right fielder trying to throw the poor girl out at first. Court got a tidy black and blue the size of a softball for her efforts, but she was “FINE!” and stayed in the game (Gowan! Ask again if she’s ok! Wait. I thought she couldn’t talk???). One run in. Mattie then plonks another RBI single. Two runs in. Lyn joins the fun with yet ANOTHER RBI single. Three runs in. McDuff, not wanting to make the last out for once, singled. It was left up to Christine, who after a gutsy at bat, grounded out (truthfully, if we had all those drugs with “x”s in them coursing through our system, we would’ve stayed home in bed with the lights off and barf bucket ready).
But mercifully, we didn’t feel like puke and were able to scarf some of those delicious cookies! (Heini: “(To Krista) You baked these?” Krista: “Yes” Heini: “Wow do you have any sisters at home?” Timmay: “She has a brother if that would help.” Heini: “Can he cook?” Badabing).
“We played as badly as we could and they played as well as they could and we still almost won,” pointed out The Queen Of Quackers in her first concession speech of the year.
Indeed. The Lame Ducks should take with them the fact that they are NEVER out of any game, even when behind by a quite a few with two outs in the last inning. Opponents who are kickin’ back and relaxing while playing this team will be guaranteed a missing limb and a heluva migraine in the morning.
Now the Ducks get to absorb their first loss of 2012 and get pretty darned pissed about it just to come out and play Stabbin’ yet again as part of the Final Sunday In June doubleheader.
We have the feeling the Stabbers might wanna bring a whole bunch of zolmitriptan.
And an extra leg.
Stabbin’ 0 1 1 2 2 5 3—14
Champs 0 0 6 4 0 0 3—13
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Champs Ace, Then Abuse The Bar - Part 1
7/09/2012
YMCA Stadium, Home Of The No Cone Outfield But Coned Upper Parking Lot, Foxborough, MA—
Lyn’s Lame Ducks arrived at the old ballyard last night expecting the competition to be ramped up against their ‘A’ division rivals, Bar Factory. But instead of a rousing head-to-head battle, the game turned into a basic medieval bludgeon festival as the Champs trampled the poor dopes from BarF, 19 to 3.
“I haven’t gone both ways in a while,” mused Coach Lyn who really missed Courtney’s voice to chime in with her two (gutter bound) cents (Kathy and the boys had no such issues, however).
Lyn’s Flock sported a 12 Quacker roster, and Bar Factory actually had had the same, ensuring (we thought) an interesting game.
This time, a two duck flyover (as witnessed by Mattie) festooned the pre-game ceremonies and it was time to begin (the beguine, look it up!).
The Duck defense took the time to bar the Bar in the first, thanks to a couple of Timmay catches and Coach Lyn trading paint (avec leg) with the chain link fence on a home plate pop up.
After the Lunesta pill that was Sunday’s win, Lyn’s Buoys and Gulls came out wide-awake, swingin’ like a jazzman. Brainguy led off with a patented double, Kathy singled, Eric used his Mind Discipline and walked (hello Tyler) then Mattie, (or Raven by his closest, um, “pals”), singled. McDuff knocked in the final run of the inning (he DID?) and the Ducks had a 4-0 lead.
Now Heini has given the Ducks wise advice over the years and one of his philosophies is to “win every inning.” The Ducks failed in only one of those last night: the second. A knuckling fly ball to left clunked off of Bobby’s Glove Of Steel and merrily rolled to Faneuil Hall until Timmay finally found it sitting on a burger roll at Aris Bar-B-Que. By then the runner had crossed the plate and was working on a bucket of chicken. The jerk refused to share with his teammates though, so they taught him a lesson by goofing off the rest of the inning.
Bobby led off for Our Heroes, all set to make amends for his mishap in left. He felt grounding out six to three would do that and no one could argue because the rest of the innings’ batters fared no better (‘cept for a walking Timmay). It was 4-1 after two.
Once again, some pretty decent pitching by the Denim Man (where are those shinguards?) shut out the Hairball BarFers in the third.
Up with Dux: Brainguy led off for the second time, this time with a single. Kathy flummoxed the right field chick with a double and after a towering, but can-o-corn pop to the shortstop by E, two walks a Kara single and a non-Mattie sac fly later gave the Ducks another four runs. Lyn, under peer pressure from those “popular boys” on the bench, tried to go to LEFT field but only embarrassed herself. “Jerks” muttered Lyn tearing up in front of her snickering gossoons. “I thought goin’ both ways was like ridin’ a bike: you never forget. Oooops,” said someone who just might have been…ummm Christine. The postgame meeting solved this issue by noticing that Lyn sticking her butt out tends to have her pull the ball as opposed to the well-established theory that sticking her butt out makes her go “opposite.” (I think we should stop with this now, don’t you? We’re starting to perspire).
Lyn’s Lame Ducks arrived at the old ballyard last night expecting the competition to be ramped up against their ‘A’ division rivals, Bar Factory. But instead of a rousing head-to-head battle, the game turned into a basic medieval bludgeon festival as the Champs trampled the poor dopes from BarF, 19 to 3.
“I haven’t gone both ways in a while,” mused Coach Lyn who really missed Courtney’s voice to chime in with her two (gutter bound) cents (Kathy and the boys had no such issues, however).
Lyn’s Flock sported a 12 Quacker roster, and Bar Factory actually had had the same, ensuring (we thought) an interesting game.
This time, a two duck flyover (as witnessed by Mattie) festooned the pre-game ceremonies and it was time to begin (the beguine, look it up!).
The Duck defense took the time to bar the Bar in the first, thanks to a couple of Timmay catches and Coach Lyn trading paint (avec leg) with the chain link fence on a home plate pop up.
After the Lunesta pill that was Sunday’s win, Lyn’s Buoys and Gulls came out wide-awake, swingin’ like a jazzman. Brainguy led off with a patented double, Kathy singled, Eric used his Mind Discipline and walked (hello Tyler) then Mattie, (or Raven by his closest, um, “pals”), singled. McDuff knocked in the final run of the inning (he DID?) and the Ducks had a 4-0 lead.
Now Heini has given the Ducks wise advice over the years and one of his philosophies is to “win every inning.” The Ducks failed in only one of those last night: the second. A knuckling fly ball to left clunked off of Bobby’s Glove Of Steel and merrily rolled to Faneuil Hall until Timmay finally found it sitting on a burger roll at Aris Bar-B-Que. By then the runner had crossed the plate and was working on a bucket of chicken. The jerk refused to share with his teammates though, so they taught him a lesson by goofing off the rest of the inning.
Bobby led off for Our Heroes, all set to make amends for his mishap in left. He felt grounding out six to three would do that and no one could argue because the rest of the innings’ batters fared no better (‘cept for a walking Timmay). It was 4-1 after two.
Once again, some pretty decent pitching by the Denim Man (where are those shinguards?) shut out the Hairball BarFers in the third.
Up with Dux: Brainguy led off for the second time, this time with a single. Kathy flummoxed the right field chick with a double and after a towering, but can-o-corn pop to the shortstop by E, two walks a Kara single and a non-Mattie sac fly later gave the Ducks another four runs. Lyn, under peer pressure from those “popular boys” on the bench, tried to go to LEFT field but only embarrassed herself. “Jerks” muttered Lyn tearing up in front of her snickering gossoons. “I thought goin’ both ways was like ridin’ a bike: you never forget. Oooops,” said someone who just might have been…ummm Christine. The postgame meeting solved this issue by noticing that Lyn sticking her butt out tends to have her pull the ball as opposed to the well-established theory that sticking her butt out makes her go “opposite.” (I think we should stop with this now, don’t you? We’re starting to perspire).
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Champs Ace, Then Abuse The Bar - Part 2
7/09/2012
Meanwhile, butt sticking out or no butt sticking out, the Factory tried to climb back in the fourth. Bobby got burned by the BarFs geriatric pitcher (who¡¯s blazing speed barely got him to second). A male and female single later and it was first and second with none out and one run in. A chickie hit a grounder to Ralph who ignored the bleating and screaming of 11 of his comrades to throw to ¡°third¡± or ¡°second¡± and instead threw the ball to first. ¡°Hmph. No situational awareness ya goof,¡± grumped a still steaming-because-I-missed-that-flyball Bob.
It looked as if the BarFs would finally break through, but ha ha on them; their promising inning broke apart like The Soviet Union and the Factory only managed §Õ§Ó§Ñ.
Meanwhile, it was Ducks amok in the bottom of the inning. Bob the Fish, after numerous (2) forest crashing, building denting fouls, doubled to left, then the famed science fiction writer doubled to right. A lame line out and fielders choice got Kathy up and she also singled to right, (at this point, the BarF shortstop said: ¡°They found our hole¡±). No kidding as on the next pitch, Eric walloped a liner to the right field chickie that rolled all the way to Kansas. Eric¡¯s homer garnered three RBIs and the Ducks had a totally insurmountable 13-3 lead.
As the Bar stunk like a blooming corpse flower in the fifth, the Champs continued the onslaught. McDuff singled, McLyn ignored the peer pressure and doubled to right.
McFish doubled and so did McHeini. After McTimmay flew out, McDenim tripled, setting the stage for McBrainguy to show off his ¡°warning track power¡± on a deep fly BARELY over the left fielder¡¯s head.
McKathy, with her fourth hit, doubled just inside the left field line, scoring McBrain. McE ended the celebration with an F-7 but the Champs had boosted their lead to a syrup of ipecac 19 to 3.
As the teams got ready to play the sixth, the Y scorer, Jerome, wanted to check the score. Oh oh. Lyn¡¯s face looked like she¡¯d been caught with her hand in the cookie jar (go ahead girls, have fun with that one). Isn¡¯t it funny, but the game SHOULD have been over when Ralph scored on Brainguy¡¯s triple. It seems that Lyn must¡¯ve felt bad for the ¡°early grayboxers¡± and tried to get the game to continue unabated for them to get their innings in. A valiant try, but it was determined that Bar Factory had been officially mercied.
¡°(Expletive!)¡± said Coach when informed of our ¡°early grayboxers¡± theory, ¡°I just wanted to play more!¡±
Shades of Igor.
Tonight, it¡¯s the finale of the Ducks three-in-a-row soir¨¦e as the team¡¯s Old Ones start to feel the bodily pain (and the not-so-old ones, truthfully). Will they be able to keep up? Will the postgame comments reiterate the advantage of small ball(s)? Of being stupid and naming your first born male Ison (sounds like Dyson or bison or Tyson)? What does it really take to get Lyn to blush? For those answers and more, tune in tonight: Same duck time, same duck channel!
Bar Factory 0 1 0 2 0¡ª3
Champs 4 0 4 5 6¡ª19
It looked as if the BarFs would finally break through, but ha ha on them; their promising inning broke apart like The Soviet Union and the Factory only managed §Õ§Ó§Ñ.
Meanwhile, it was Ducks amok in the bottom of the inning. Bob the Fish, after numerous (2) forest crashing, building denting fouls, doubled to left, then the famed science fiction writer doubled to right. A lame line out and fielders choice got Kathy up and she also singled to right, (at this point, the BarF shortstop said: ¡°They found our hole¡±). No kidding as on the next pitch, Eric walloped a liner to the right field chickie that rolled all the way to Kansas. Eric¡¯s homer garnered three RBIs and the Ducks had a totally insurmountable 13-3 lead.
As the Bar stunk like a blooming corpse flower in the fifth, the Champs continued the onslaught. McDuff singled, McLyn ignored the peer pressure and doubled to right.
McFish doubled and so did McHeini. After McTimmay flew out, McDenim tripled, setting the stage for McBrainguy to show off his ¡°warning track power¡± on a deep fly BARELY over the left fielder¡¯s head.
McKathy, with her fourth hit, doubled just inside the left field line, scoring McBrain. McE ended the celebration with an F-7 but the Champs had boosted their lead to a syrup of ipecac 19 to 3.
As the teams got ready to play the sixth, the Y scorer, Jerome, wanted to check the score. Oh oh. Lyn¡¯s face looked like she¡¯d been caught with her hand in the cookie jar (go ahead girls, have fun with that one). Isn¡¯t it funny, but the game SHOULD have been over when Ralph scored on Brainguy¡¯s triple. It seems that Lyn must¡¯ve felt bad for the ¡°early grayboxers¡± and tried to get the game to continue unabated for them to get their innings in. A valiant try, but it was determined that Bar Factory had been officially mercied.
¡°(Expletive!)¡± said Coach when informed of our ¡°early grayboxers¡± theory, ¡°I just wanted to play more!¡±
Shades of Igor.
Tonight, it¡¯s the finale of the Ducks three-in-a-row soir¨¦e as the team¡¯s Old Ones start to feel the bodily pain (and the not-so-old ones, truthfully). Will they be able to keep up? Will the postgame comments reiterate the advantage of small ball(s)? Of being stupid and naming your first born male Ison (sounds like Dyson or bison or Tyson)? What does it really take to get Lyn to blush? For those answers and more, tune in tonight: Same duck time, same duck channel!
Bar Factory 0 1 0 2 0¡ª3
Champs 4 0 4 5 6¡ª19
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Champs Show No Mercy To Bargain-Basement Misfits -Part 1
7/09/2012
YMCA Stadium, Home Of The Left Field White Canopy That Will No Doubt Have Some Holes Punched In It After Stretch Gets Back Foxborough, MA-
The Island Of Misfit Toys, featuring a Charlie In The Box, a Train With Square Wheels and a Cowboy Riding An Ostrich probably could’ve fielded a better team.
Yes, in a game that was as exciting as a 16-hour train ride across the Siberian wastelands, Lyn Lame Ducks had no choice but to obliterate the overmatched peasants from the Land Of Misfit Softball Players, 27 to 3.
(Yawn) was a slowly snoozing Coach Lyn, not only because of the game, but also because her favorite bar, The Upper Lot, was coned off and effectively closed. Jerks, she added.
The most exciting part of the night was the return of Christine to the flock (except when we tried to decipher her chicken scratch in the scorebook). She’s been out of action since hitting her head on the tarmac after a fall of 14,000 feet due to the fact that someone packed her parachute bag with a romantic picnic lunch. Timmay’s chick Krista was also in the stands because she was so bored at home. Little did she realize that this game would reach the zenith of boredom.
Once again, another “B” team felt it necessary to spot the Champs five runs thanks to the Misfits misfiring on the correct amount of ladies necessary to play straight up. Not only did they find themselves behind before the pre-game ceremonies (wait: we have CEREMONIES?), the Cantankerous Ones already porous defense would now have to have three outfielders cover power alleys hundreds of astronomical units wide. But even with this drool-stimulating situation, the Ducks only scored one on their own in the first. Meanwhile, the Misfits put together a pretty good inning, scoring three on some decent hits, a chick walk (McDuff specialty with Ralph taking it over) and a couple of ground balls, one of which Ralph kicked around like a dangerous snake. The way the inning ended foreshadowed how the rest of the game would turn out as the Ducks got out of the inning when the Fits grounded into a Brainguy to Kara to Lyn oddball double play. It was actually “a game” after one, with the score 6-3 Ducks.
After McDuff banged a foul ball off the wooden net-pole (Heini sez: “Nice wood”), the Quackers scored three, but could’ve scored more if not for lead-footed Ralph getting thrown out at the plate (he blamed Christine coaching at third, of course, for his boneheaded play). In the bottom of the inning, the Misfits got a cheapie hit and that was all leaving Lyn’s
flock ahead up 9 to 3. Unfortunately for the Fits, reality was about to crash in and give them one miserable wedgie.
Over the next two innings, the poor Misfits must’ve felt like they were stuck in a Rube Goldberg Machine Causality Loop (well, that just got Lyn to stop reading). The Ducks would crank out a ridiculous 17 runs on 17 hits that would make the rest of the game an annoying tractor pull. Highlights of the double-trouble slugfest included a Heini Homer and a Brainguy ground rule triple, where Timmay chased Lyn around the bases even though it was totally unnecessary. Timmay’s Krista turned bright red then took her boytoy under the stands and smacked him around.
The Island Of Misfit Toys, featuring a Charlie In The Box, a Train With Square Wheels and a Cowboy Riding An Ostrich probably could’ve fielded a better team.
Yes, in a game that was as exciting as a 16-hour train ride across the Siberian wastelands, Lyn Lame Ducks had no choice but to obliterate the overmatched peasants from the Land Of Misfit Softball Players, 27 to 3.
(Yawn) was a slowly snoozing Coach Lyn, not only because of the game, but also because her favorite bar, The Upper Lot, was coned off and effectively closed. Jerks, she added.
The most exciting part of the night was the return of Christine to the flock (except when we tried to decipher her chicken scratch in the scorebook). She’s been out of action since hitting her head on the tarmac after a fall of 14,000 feet due to the fact that someone packed her parachute bag with a romantic picnic lunch. Timmay’s chick Krista was also in the stands because she was so bored at home. Little did she realize that this game would reach the zenith of boredom.
Once again, another “B” team felt it necessary to spot the Champs five runs thanks to the Misfits misfiring on the correct amount of ladies necessary to play straight up. Not only did they find themselves behind before the pre-game ceremonies (wait: we have CEREMONIES?), the Cantankerous Ones already porous defense would now have to have three outfielders cover power alleys hundreds of astronomical units wide. But even with this drool-stimulating situation, the Ducks only scored one on their own in the first. Meanwhile, the Misfits put together a pretty good inning, scoring three on some decent hits, a chick walk (McDuff specialty with Ralph taking it over) and a couple of ground balls, one of which Ralph kicked around like a dangerous snake. The way the inning ended foreshadowed how the rest of the game would turn out as the Ducks got out of the inning when the Fits grounded into a Brainguy to Kara to Lyn oddball double play. It was actually “a game” after one, with the score 6-3 Ducks.
After McDuff banged a foul ball off the wooden net-pole (Heini sez: “Nice wood”), the Quackers scored three, but could’ve scored more if not for lead-footed Ralph getting thrown out at the plate (he blamed Christine coaching at third, of course, for his boneheaded play). In the bottom of the inning, the Misfits got a cheapie hit and that was all leaving Lyn’s
flock ahead up 9 to 3. Unfortunately for the Fits, reality was about to crash in and give them one miserable wedgie.
Over the next two innings, the poor Misfits must’ve felt like they were stuck in a Rube Goldberg Machine Causality Loop (well, that just got Lyn to stop reading). The Ducks would crank out a ridiculous 17 runs on 17 hits that would make the rest of the game an annoying tractor pull. Highlights of the double-trouble slugfest included a Heini Homer and a Brainguy ground rule triple, where Timmay chased Lyn around the bases even though it was totally unnecessary. Timmay’s Krista turned bright red then took her boytoy under the stands and smacked him around.
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Champs Show No Mercy To Bargain-Basement Misfits - Part 2
7/09/2012
After three and a half (Hours? Oh, right, innings) it was 26 to 3. It was so bad that even one of the Misfit batters tried hitting from the opposite side of the plate but that didn’t work either (he struck out swinging).
Kathy and the girls got frisky in the fifth. Brainguy doubled and scored on Kathy’s double. Heini then grounded a ball two inches from the plate and got thrown out, even though he was safe (the ump wanted to get the game over, too). The Misfit fielders relaxed, thinking that the next batter, Courtney, would just work a walk, but she took a mighty swing and missed.
Kathy hooted at her from second base but Court was about to extract her revenge. She grounded a ball up the middle directly at Kathy. She tried to Texas two-step and managed to stay on the base while the shortstop gloved it, bobbled it, but still had time to throw Court out who was laughing so hard she couldn’t run. Ryan then grounded to the infield and
Kathy got her sorry butt thrown out at third after a tumbling, headfirst ta-ta bruising slide (she says the guy missed the tag. Yeah, whatever).
The Misfits did nothing in their half of the fifth so the game was taken out behind the barn and shot.
It was a pretty easy one to get the Champs started on their three-games-in-three-days frolic. Tonight’s matchup is the first of the year versus Bar Factory and then tomorrow night, it’s the rematch versus Team Stabbin. Got the feeling there won’t be any more 24 run snooze festivals popping up this week.
But you never know…
Champs (+5)1 3 7 (10) 1= 27
Misfits 3 0 0 0 0 = 3
Kathy and the girls got frisky in the fifth. Brainguy doubled and scored on Kathy’s double. Heini then grounded a ball two inches from the plate and got thrown out, even though he was safe (the ump wanted to get the game over, too). The Misfit fielders relaxed, thinking that the next batter, Courtney, would just work a walk, but she took a mighty swing and missed.
Kathy hooted at her from second base but Court was about to extract her revenge. She grounded a ball up the middle directly at Kathy. She tried to Texas two-step and managed to stay on the base while the shortstop gloved it, bobbled it, but still had time to throw Court out who was laughing so hard she couldn’t run. Ryan then grounded to the infield and
Kathy got her sorry butt thrown out at third after a tumbling, headfirst ta-ta bruising slide (she says the guy missed the tag. Yeah, whatever).
The Misfits did nothing in their half of the fifth so the game was taken out behind the barn and shot.
It was a pretty easy one to get the Champs started on their three-games-in-three-days frolic. Tonight’s matchup is the first of the year versus Bar Factory and then tomorrow night, it’s the rematch versus Team Stabbin. Got the feeling there won’t be any more 24 run snooze festivals popping up this week.
But you never know…
Champs (+5)1 3 7 (10) 1= 27
Misfits 3 0 0 0 0 = 3
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Champs Humble Stabbinďż˝ - Part 1
7/09/2012
YMCA Stadium, Home Of The Spiffy Flying Eagle Weathervane Foxborough, MA—Putting their offense and defense together like a kickass plate of steaming bacon and eggs, Lyn’s Lame Ducks dined on the carcass of a quality opponent, masticating the strangely quiet Team Stabbin’, 14 to 6.
“I’m just a one person party,” giggled Coach Lyn seconds after a couple milliliters of her frosty beverage missed her throat and came streaming out her nose (see what you guys miss during the postgame meal?).
Lyn’s Lucky Lineup of thirteen Ducks combined for sixteen hits, including four triples, two by The Big Galoot, and managed to keep the Stabbin’ kids off the big inning monkey bars all game long.
Moments after Tyler presented/embarrassed Lyn by giving her a heartfelt traditional Russian hat (which he unceremoniously took back) and a quick pre-game flyover by the Ducks mascot (true) who then poo bombed the Stabbin’ right fielder (not true) Brainguy punched a gap triple, claiming exhaustion when he reached third. Mercifully he was able to crawl home on Kathy’s single and luckily for him, didn’t have to run around on Eric’s double. Courtney walked which loaded the bases for Tyler and his first at bat of the year. The pressure was obviously too much for the poor dope as he hit into a fielders choice…to the infield no less. Kara, A GIRL, showed him up by ripping a single but then Mattie crashed everyone back to Earth as he attempted a sac fly with no one on third base. A Lyn walk, and singles by Heini and McDuff closed out the Duck scoring at five in the first (sounds like a new dollar-type store).
Meanwhile their Stabbin’ pals did a big fat nothin’ in their half of the inning, so hey, hey, hey (“it’s Fat Albert”) it was a 5-0 Duck lead.
The second inning panicked soothsayers all over the world when Timmay actually hit into a double play which, according to their Tarot cards, signaled the end of the universe (good thing your chick Krista was home makin’ dinner, eh Timmay?). Brainguy and Kay tried to salvage the inning but their effort was a total waste of everyone’s time, as Timmay dug a hole and crawled in.
On the other side of the ledger, the Stabbin’ folks got on the board while no one was paying attention (including our writing staff) so it was a 5-1 Duck lead after two.
But once again, the Duck offense stalled on the pad like the first launch attempt of Gemini Six, with Kara yelling “GODD**M IT!” as she grounded to the stooge at shortstop, who was so shocked at the blonde’s potty mouth that he booted the ball. The inning ended in typical Duck fashion as Lyn lofted a pop over first that the first basechick dropped. It looked as if Our Heroes would have the bases loaded with The Famous Science Fiction Author coming up, but poor Courtney developed a severe case of brainlock and got her Texas Orange butt forced out at third.
Stabbin’ plated another run even though Eric made a great sliding stop on a grounder in the shortstop hole. Still, the good pitching and Duck defense didn’t give Stabbin’ a breakthrough.
Lyn’s Little Quackeroonies decided to stop toying around in the fourth. After a quick Heini 1 to 3, McDuff singled and so did Bobby (featuring third base coach Eric hiding behind the chain link fence, har har). Ralphie singled too, then Timmay beat out a grounder to second (huh? But didn’t he get doubled up by the SHORTSTOP? Better break out the Quija Boards). With the two on, Brainguy got Mattie grumbling because he lofted a sac fly. After Kathy walked, Eric saved the inning by thwacking a b-i-g two out triple which giving the Ducks a 10-2 cushion.
“I’m just a one person party,” giggled Coach Lyn seconds after a couple milliliters of her frosty beverage missed her throat and came streaming out her nose (see what you guys miss during the postgame meal?).
Lyn’s Lucky Lineup of thirteen Ducks combined for sixteen hits, including four triples, two by The Big Galoot, and managed to keep the Stabbin’ kids off the big inning monkey bars all game long.
Moments after Tyler presented/embarrassed Lyn by giving her a heartfelt traditional Russian hat (which he unceremoniously took back) and a quick pre-game flyover by the Ducks mascot (true) who then poo bombed the Stabbin’ right fielder (not true) Brainguy punched a gap triple, claiming exhaustion when he reached third. Mercifully he was able to crawl home on Kathy’s single and luckily for him, didn’t have to run around on Eric’s double. Courtney walked which loaded the bases for Tyler and his first at bat of the year. The pressure was obviously too much for the poor dope as he hit into a fielders choice…to the infield no less. Kara, A GIRL, showed him up by ripping a single but then Mattie crashed everyone back to Earth as he attempted a sac fly with no one on third base. A Lyn walk, and singles by Heini and McDuff closed out the Duck scoring at five in the first (sounds like a new dollar-type store).
Meanwhile their Stabbin’ pals did a big fat nothin’ in their half of the inning, so hey, hey, hey (“it’s Fat Albert”) it was a 5-0 Duck lead.
The second inning panicked soothsayers all over the world when Timmay actually hit into a double play which, according to their Tarot cards, signaled the end of the universe (good thing your chick Krista was home makin’ dinner, eh Timmay?). Brainguy and Kay tried to salvage the inning but their effort was a total waste of everyone’s time, as Timmay dug a hole and crawled in.
On the other side of the ledger, the Stabbin’ folks got on the board while no one was paying attention (including our writing staff) so it was a 5-1 Duck lead after two.
But once again, the Duck offense stalled on the pad like the first launch attempt of Gemini Six, with Kara yelling “GODD**M IT!” as she grounded to the stooge at shortstop, who was so shocked at the blonde’s potty mouth that he booted the ball. The inning ended in typical Duck fashion as Lyn lofted a pop over first that the first basechick dropped. It looked as if Our Heroes would have the bases loaded with The Famous Science Fiction Author coming up, but poor Courtney developed a severe case of brainlock and got her Texas Orange butt forced out at third.
Stabbin’ plated another run even though Eric made a great sliding stop on a grounder in the shortstop hole. Still, the good pitching and Duck defense didn’t give Stabbin’ a breakthrough.
Lyn’s Little Quackeroonies decided to stop toying around in the fourth. After a quick Heini 1 to 3, McDuff singled and so did Bobby (featuring third base coach Eric hiding behind the chain link fence, har har). Ralphie singled too, then Timmay beat out a grounder to second (huh? But didn’t he get doubled up by the SHORTSTOP? Better break out the Quija Boards). With the two on, Brainguy got Mattie grumbling because he lofted a sac fly. After Kathy walked, Eric saved the inning by thwacking a b-i-g two out triple which giving the Ducks a 10-2 cushion.
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Champs Humble Stabbinďż˝ - Part 2
7/09/2012
In the bottom of the fourth, Kathy got dirty. A cue ball line drive headed in her direction at second. Kay overran it a bit, tried to get back, stumbled and unceremoniously got dehorsed, eating Fuller’s Earth (it’s an old movie thing…look it up!). Brainguy taking all of this in, looked at a dusty Kathy with that wry grin of his, picked up the ball and nonchalantly stepped on second for a force out. Stabbin’ was either laughing too hard or really turned on because they failed to score (on both counts, oh baby).
Tyler broke out his Grogan Grunt™ in the top of the fifth, launching a booming triple to left center that was hit so high the ball’s faux-leather cover ablated off as it re-entered atmosphere. The sound engineer on the team claimed he heard the ball hit branches for a home run, but since no one pays attention to him anyways, T-Rex was stuck with a triple. Kara then GODD**MED! another grounder to short, but Tyler loped home on the throw to first. Mattie, who did his patented Raven Squat™ while warming up at the plate, flew out, then flew off the handle, berating Stretch for scoring on the ground out and not waiting for his Sac Fly.
“YOU know how I operate, godd**m it!” he complained. Probably a good thing his kids weren’t there. Lyn was laughing so hard she lined out to the pitcher.
In the fifth, Stabbin’ was again held scoreless, thanks to Lyn pouncing on a swinging bunt and Timmay tracking down a lonnnnng fly to center (forgetting there were two outs and hurling the ball into the infield to no one in particular at all).
Lyn’s Waterfowl increased their lead to 13 to 2, scoring two in the sixth, with McDuff getting his backhair shaved for free thanks to a sizzling throw to the plate that sliced across his numbers. The throw was meant to catch the hustling Ralph at home but the catcher was so pissed off at the speed of the throw, she took a lesson from Kara and swore a blue streak instead of applying any kind of tag.
In the bottom of the sixth, Coach Lyn figured an 11 run lead was safe so she got McDuff some more mound work. The defense found this news as welcome as having the Wicked Witch of the West’s flying monkeys crash their garden party. Meanwhile, Team Stabbin’ was as happy about this change of luck as the Scarecrow was at getting a brain (well a diploma if you wanna get technical about it). An assortment of hits, errors and other mind bending stuff “cut” the Duck lead to 13 to 5 with one to play.
Kathy got the Duck 7th off to a rousing start with a shot that hugged the RIGHT FIELD line, featuring last night’s goat umpire NOT “verbalizing” the ball “fair” because K berated him to no end 24 hours before. As a matter of fact the poor Kid In Blue was so traumatized that before the game he was seen on his knees, begging forgiveness from any Duck Chick he could find. The petulant lassies turned up their noses, waited ‘til he sobbed a bit harder, then grudgingly forgave him.
“Another sucker under our spell,” grinned Lyn.
Tyler then told the umpire to peel a grape and crushed another triple, this time to the triangle in center, sending Kathy home and giving the Ducks their final run of the night.
The bottom of the seventh rolled in and the roudy Stabbin’ fans were all set for the their teams’ BIG OFFENSE to finally appear and come back to Crush The Duck. Unfortunately Stabbin’ gave their fans only one run, then got bored and went home, leaving their supporters with a rather dank 14 to 6 loss.
The Champs continue their five games in nine days tour-de-force on Sunday versus the Why-Am-I-Such-A-Misfit(s). Then it’s the usual excitement versus Bar Factory and a rematch with the Team Named After A Porn Site.
Five games in less than two weeks? Coach must be creamin’ in her jeans.
Champs 5 0 0 5 1 2 1—14
Team Stabbin’ 0 1 1 0 0 3 1—6
Tyler broke out his Grogan Grunt™ in the top of the fifth, launching a booming triple to left center that was hit so high the ball’s faux-leather cover ablated off as it re-entered atmosphere. The sound engineer on the team claimed he heard the ball hit branches for a home run, but since no one pays attention to him anyways, T-Rex was stuck with a triple. Kara then GODD**MED! another grounder to short, but Tyler loped home on the throw to first. Mattie, who did his patented Raven Squat™ while warming up at the plate, flew out, then flew off the handle, berating Stretch for scoring on the ground out and not waiting for his Sac Fly.
“YOU know how I operate, godd**m it!” he complained. Probably a good thing his kids weren’t there. Lyn was laughing so hard she lined out to the pitcher.
In the fifth, Stabbin’ was again held scoreless, thanks to Lyn pouncing on a swinging bunt and Timmay tracking down a lonnnnng fly to center (forgetting there were two outs and hurling the ball into the infield to no one in particular at all).
Lyn’s Waterfowl increased their lead to 13 to 2, scoring two in the sixth, with McDuff getting his backhair shaved for free thanks to a sizzling throw to the plate that sliced across his numbers. The throw was meant to catch the hustling Ralph at home but the catcher was so pissed off at the speed of the throw, she took a lesson from Kara and swore a blue streak instead of applying any kind of tag.
In the bottom of the sixth, Coach Lyn figured an 11 run lead was safe so she got McDuff some more mound work. The defense found this news as welcome as having the Wicked Witch of the West’s flying monkeys crash their garden party. Meanwhile, Team Stabbin’ was as happy about this change of luck as the Scarecrow was at getting a brain (well a diploma if you wanna get technical about it). An assortment of hits, errors and other mind bending stuff “cut” the Duck lead to 13 to 5 with one to play.
Kathy got the Duck 7th off to a rousing start with a shot that hugged the RIGHT FIELD line, featuring last night’s goat umpire NOT “verbalizing” the ball “fair” because K berated him to no end 24 hours before. As a matter of fact the poor Kid In Blue was so traumatized that before the game he was seen on his knees, begging forgiveness from any Duck Chick he could find. The petulant lassies turned up their noses, waited ‘til he sobbed a bit harder, then grudgingly forgave him.
“Another sucker under our spell,” grinned Lyn.
Tyler then told the umpire to peel a grape and crushed another triple, this time to the triangle in center, sending Kathy home and giving the Ducks their final run of the night.
The bottom of the seventh rolled in and the roudy Stabbin’ fans were all set for the their teams’ BIG OFFENSE to finally appear and come back to Crush The Duck. Unfortunately Stabbin’ gave their fans only one run, then got bored and went home, leaving their supporters with a rather dank 14 to 6 loss.
The Champs continue their five games in nine days tour-de-force on Sunday versus the Why-Am-I-Such-A-Misfit(s). Then it’s the usual excitement versus Bar Factory and a rematch with the Team Named After A Porn Site.
Five games in less than two weeks? Coach must be creamin’ in her jeans.
Champs 5 0 0 5 1 2 1—14
Team Stabbin’ 0 1 1 0 0 3 1—6
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Champs Have A Honey Of A Time - Part 1
7/09/2012
YMCA Stadium, Home Of The Hitting Swimming Kids In The Head With Foul Softballs Pool, Foxborough MA--
When the BBC’s nature writer and announcer David Attenborough entoned “The honey badger, also known as a ratel in South Africa, is a ferocious hunter that will even battle venomous snakes,” this is not the kind of honey badger he had in mind.
That’s because last night’s Lame Duck opponent, the Honey Badgers, put the “wreck” in the Y’s “recreation league,” losing in a it-could-have-been-much-worse interspecies spanking, 16 to 1.
“And I won’t miss any softball at all!” burbled Coach Lyn, referring to her time zone spanning, layover busting, half a world away, jet-lagging voyage to the former Union of Soviet Socialist Republics from where she expects to return as fresh as a daisy.
Delusional? You decide.
There was nothing delusional about the outcome of last night’s contest, however, as the Ducks made sure they wouldn’t be loooozers to another ‘B’ division team.
Just not right away, of course.
After the Badgers went quietly in the first, lead off hitter Brainguy showed just what kind of night it was going to be for Mellivora Capensis. He cranked an infield pop up, and the Alpha Male at shortstop immediately called for it, then drifted…drifted…drifted all the way between the first and second basechicks before the ball plopped harmlessly in the dust.
Now if shortstop Brainguy tried that move with any of the Duck chicks one of the following would have happened; a) Brainguy would’ve gotten shoved in the back and ate dirt or b) The Chicks would’ve put their hands on their sexy hips, watched Brainguy make a total fool of himself then seriously cleated him in the plums.
But in the end the only thing the Ducks discovered in that inning was that they didn’t want to score a run thanks to a fielders choice and double play so the first finished in a nil/nil tie (nil/nil makes us ill).
The Badgers shocked the crowd by taking the lead in the second, thanks to Mattie, who tried to catch up to a long fly ball only to watch it clank off of his concrete glove for a triple. Although Ralph K-ed the next batter, he was a doofus and allowed a single that plated the Ratels only run of the night.
The 1-0 lead, and the Badger ebullience, lasted about as long as free pizza bought by Timmay. Justin led off with a single then scored on a “played-by-the-left-fielder-into-a” triple by Mattie who subsequently scored on an opposite field single by The Girl Who Goes Both Ways, Coach Lyn. The Big Inning never materialized as Ralph embarrassed his son by hitting into a fielders choice with the bases loaded.
After a dull top of the third, the hammer finally fell as the Ducks broke out their favorite weapon of 2012; the eight run inning. Timmay started things off with a rousing 1 to 3 (yes the poor dope made the first AND last outs of the inning), then Brainguy got a “legitimate” hit into the outfield. The Badger’s secondbasechick performed a literal “boot” of Kathy’s grounder (kick save!), Dave went opposite field with a single, Courtney bounced a ball through the first baseperson’s wickets and after a Justin single and a Kara ground out, five straight hits and another Badger error saw Our Heroes sitting on the newly graded behind-the-bleachers dirtpile, grinning like fools at their 10 to 1 lead.
Time to go home? Not quite.
When the BBC’s nature writer and announcer David Attenborough entoned “The honey badger, also known as a ratel in South Africa, is a ferocious hunter that will even battle venomous snakes,” this is not the kind of honey badger he had in mind.
That’s because last night’s Lame Duck opponent, the Honey Badgers, put the “wreck” in the Y’s “recreation league,” losing in a it-could-have-been-much-worse interspecies spanking, 16 to 1.
“And I won’t miss any softball at all!” burbled Coach Lyn, referring to her time zone spanning, layover busting, half a world away, jet-lagging voyage to the former Union of Soviet Socialist Republics from where she expects to return as fresh as a daisy.
Delusional? You decide.
There was nothing delusional about the outcome of last night’s contest, however, as the Ducks made sure they wouldn’t be loooozers to another ‘B’ division team.
Just not right away, of course.
After the Badgers went quietly in the first, lead off hitter Brainguy showed just what kind of night it was going to be for Mellivora Capensis. He cranked an infield pop up, and the Alpha Male at shortstop immediately called for it, then drifted…drifted…drifted all the way between the first and second basechicks before the ball plopped harmlessly in the dust.
Now if shortstop Brainguy tried that move with any of the Duck chicks one of the following would have happened; a) Brainguy would’ve gotten shoved in the back and ate dirt or b) The Chicks would’ve put their hands on their sexy hips, watched Brainguy make a total fool of himself then seriously cleated him in the plums.
But in the end the only thing the Ducks discovered in that inning was that they didn’t want to score a run thanks to a fielders choice and double play so the first finished in a nil/nil tie (nil/nil makes us ill).
The Badgers shocked the crowd by taking the lead in the second, thanks to Mattie, who tried to catch up to a long fly ball only to watch it clank off of his concrete glove for a triple. Although Ralph K-ed the next batter, he was a doofus and allowed a single that plated the Ratels only run of the night.
The 1-0 lead, and the Badger ebullience, lasted about as long as free pizza bought by Timmay. Justin led off with a single then scored on a “played-by-the-left-fielder-into-a” triple by Mattie who subsequently scored on an opposite field single by The Girl Who Goes Both Ways, Coach Lyn. The Big Inning never materialized as Ralph embarrassed his son by hitting into a fielders choice with the bases loaded.
After a dull top of the third, the hammer finally fell as the Ducks broke out their favorite weapon of 2012; the eight run inning. Timmay started things off with a rousing 1 to 3 (yes the poor dope made the first AND last outs of the inning), then Brainguy got a “legitimate” hit into the outfield. The Badger’s secondbasechick performed a literal “boot” of Kathy’s grounder (kick save!), Dave went opposite field with a single, Courtney bounced a ball through the first baseperson’s wickets and after a Justin single and a Kara ground out, five straight hits and another Badger error saw Our Heroes sitting on the newly graded behind-the-bleachers dirtpile, grinning like fools at their 10 to 1 lead.
Time to go home? Not quite.
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Champs Have A Honey Of A Time - Part 2
7/09/2012
The fourth caught the Duck defense at an interesting angle: Two ground outs then a swinging bunt. As Court leapt like a cat (as long as she wasn’t a venomous snake) after the ball, Kathy strolled to first to take Court’s throw with Lyn strolling behind as backup. No, K wasn’t strolling because she had the game winning hit the other night, she was lollygagging because the umpire yelled “FAIR!” which, to anyone who’s been around this game long enough, he’s not supposed to do. Only foul balls are “verbalized,” so the Ducklings figured the ball was foul but it wasn’t and this got Kathy so upset that she was all over the ump like a cheap suit. Later on the Ump said he called the ball because he was making the game “safer” since “it’s dark over there (by first).” Forgive us but first off, the ball was hit INCHES BY HOME PLATE, one of the brighter spots on the YMCA’s Brownout Field, and second, if you wanna “be safe’ then yell “LOOK OUT” or “HEADS UP” or “NUMBER ONE!” (or whatever the Duckchick call out is this year). This discussion between Kay and Ump strung through the sixth with Last Game’s Hero venting her spleen. Oh and the Ducks got one more in the fourth (Dave going opposite field again driving in Brainguy) to make it 11 to 1, but that wasn’t as much fun as the Ump/Kathy discussion. Which just goes to show how exciting the inning actually was (not).
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Champs Have A Honey Of A Time - Part 3
7/09/2012
The fifth (what? It’s only the FIFTH! Geez! Why does this game feel like it’s taking a century?? Wait, who said that? BOBBY? Mr. I-want-to-read-the-condensed-version-of-this-stupid-summary Bobby? That figures) was another exercise in futility for the Mighty Badgers, with Justin ending things on what Dave termed as “a true baseball catch” in left (ask him, we just nodded agreement to make him happy).
Lyn’s Quackers got closer to the vaunted Mercy Rule in the inning, getting four runs on some rather GENEROUS scoring calls, an error and Timmay’s first hit of the night. Heini hit the hardest shot of the inning, straight up the box, but it was gloved in self-defense by the pitcher who seemed to have a brick stuck in his britches when he staggered off the field.
The top of the sixth brought a fresh (but ugly) face to the mound, as Lyn felt a 14 run lead was comfortable enough to get the spare pitcher, McDuff, some work.
It was his first pitching appearance of the year, except when he threw Duck batting practice at the cages back in April. He looked like he was still throwing BP as he immediately gave up a female and male hit (but not a walk to the girl, surprisingly). After Courtney gave him her patented “Death Stare” from behind the plate, McDuff smartened up, and sandwiched a lazy fly to Heini in right field around two female swinging strikeouts to get back into Coach Lyn’s semi-good graces. It was the fourth and fifth K’s of the game by Duck pitching.
It was at that point that Dave sighed and decided, on his own, mind you, that it was time to end the game. So he got himself a non-opposite field whack and slid into second while the “early grayboxers” on the bench grumbled about how they won’t be getting their allotted innings.
“Jerk” said Fish.
But then Dave took softball pity on them (for a moment), and jogged only as far as third on a line single by Courtney (“Cripes another RBI shot to hell!” meefed the Courtster). As the Yoga class in the Y finished, Justin came up with a chance to put the game to an end. However the next batter, Kara, was QUITE excited about her upcoming turn at the plate. She shook her hair, adjusted her gloves, grabbed her bat, sang a happy tune and pranced to the on deck circle. Coach Lyn kept trying to tell her, “You’re not going to get up. You’re not going to get up. There’s no place like home, no wait…” but the kid was so thrilled that Lyn just shrugged and waited for Justin to single (he did) and the game to end (it did). As the Ducks filed out for the ceremonial shaking of hands, walking past the crushed Kara, she sobbed “The next thing you know you’re gonna tell me is that there ain’t a Tooth Fairy!”
That’s the coach’s responsibility, little missy.
.
As Lyn’s squad relaxed under the stars with the sound of a distant nail gun interrupting the sweet music of slurping drinks, we reflected on the fact that, once again, the Ducks played another game proving that you need talented ladies to get anything done. Um, anything done IN THIS LEAGUE is what we meant to say. “Yeah, that team might’ve had Honey Badger chicks but our chicks are MONEY HONEYS baby! Wooo!” said Justin, unaware of his double entendre and the fact that he’ll be sued by The Bay City Rollers, who sang a song called “Money Honey” decades before he was born. “Why sue? ‘Cause we blokes need the money, honey,” explained Roller writer Eric Faulkner.
That was about all that there was, except for the usual amount of suggestive postgame banter, this time featuring something about spit, blood, crossing lines, finding the soap and an erotic 85 cent app sound effect that Kathy deemed was “too expensive” (though she never got around to telling what the sound actually was).
Next up for the Champs, it’s everybody’s favorite yammers from Stabbin’. Perhaps The Giraffe will deem this game “important” and grace us with his vaunted presence.
Just not on time, of course.
Honey Badgers 0 1 0 0 0 0—1
Champs 0 2 8 1 4 1—16
Lyn’s Quackers got closer to the vaunted Mercy Rule in the inning, getting four runs on some rather GENEROUS scoring calls, an error and Timmay’s first hit of the night. Heini hit the hardest shot of the inning, straight up the box, but it was gloved in self-defense by the pitcher who seemed to have a brick stuck in his britches when he staggered off the field.
The top of the sixth brought a fresh (but ugly) face to the mound, as Lyn felt a 14 run lead was comfortable enough to get the spare pitcher, McDuff, some work.
It was his first pitching appearance of the year, except when he threw Duck batting practice at the cages back in April. He looked like he was still throwing BP as he immediately gave up a female and male hit (but not a walk to the girl, surprisingly). After Courtney gave him her patented “Death Stare” from behind the plate, McDuff smartened up, and sandwiched a lazy fly to Heini in right field around two female swinging strikeouts to get back into Coach Lyn’s semi-good graces. It was the fourth and fifth K’s of the game by Duck pitching.
It was at that point that Dave sighed and decided, on his own, mind you, that it was time to end the game. So he got himself a non-opposite field whack and slid into second while the “early grayboxers” on the bench grumbled about how they won’t be getting their allotted innings.
“Jerk” said Fish.
But then Dave took softball pity on them (for a moment), and jogged only as far as third on a line single by Courtney (“Cripes another RBI shot to hell!” meefed the Courtster). As the Yoga class in the Y finished, Justin came up with a chance to put the game to an end. However the next batter, Kara, was QUITE excited about her upcoming turn at the plate. She shook her hair, adjusted her gloves, grabbed her bat, sang a happy tune and pranced to the on deck circle. Coach Lyn kept trying to tell her, “You’re not going to get up. You’re not going to get up. There’s no place like home, no wait…” but the kid was so thrilled that Lyn just shrugged and waited for Justin to single (he did) and the game to end (it did). As the Ducks filed out for the ceremonial shaking of hands, walking past the crushed Kara, she sobbed “The next thing you know you’re gonna tell me is that there ain’t a Tooth Fairy!”
That’s the coach’s responsibility, little missy.
.
As Lyn’s squad relaxed under the stars with the sound of a distant nail gun interrupting the sweet music of slurping drinks, we reflected on the fact that, once again, the Ducks played another game proving that you need talented ladies to get anything done. Um, anything done IN THIS LEAGUE is what we meant to say. “Yeah, that team might’ve had Honey Badger chicks but our chicks are MONEY HONEYS baby! Wooo!” said Justin, unaware of his double entendre and the fact that he’ll be sued by The Bay City Rollers, who sang a song called “Money Honey” decades before he was born. “Why sue? ‘Cause we blokes need the money, honey,” explained Roller writer Eric Faulkner.
That was about all that there was, except for the usual amount of suggestive postgame banter, this time featuring something about spit, blood, crossing lines, finding the soap and an erotic 85 cent app sound effect that Kathy deemed was “too expensive” (though she never got around to telling what the sound actually was).
Next up for the Champs, it’s everybody’s favorite yammers from Stabbin’. Perhaps The Giraffe will deem this game “important” and grace us with his vaunted presence.
Just not on time, of course.
Honey Badgers 0 1 0 0 0 0—1
Champs 0 2 8 1 4 1—16
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Champs Get Preposterous; Crash Deck Party! - Part 1
7/09/2012
YMCA Stadium, Home Of The Highest, Wettest Grass In The Realm, Foxborough, MA-- Precisely six months ago on a balmy December night, Lyn’s Lame Ducks dismantled Coach Perv’s Upper Deckians in a doubleheader to win the 2011 Frostbite Title. Last night in the same temperature (although known as “cold” in June), Lyn’s Flock gave the Annoying Yappers a history lesson by sweeping a doubleheader yet again, albeit by more exciting, heart attack inducing means.
In Game One, the Ducks rode an eight run third, then Fort Knoxed the Pervs over the final two innings to win 9 to 7, while in the more scintillating Game Two, the Champs came back from five runs down in the bottom of the seventh to pull out an improbable 12 to 11 win on Kathy’s walk off, two run blast.
“Geez, how many layovers do I have on this trip?? Man are you SURE Russia isn’t a communist country??” spouted Coach Lyn with her mind obviously on other more important things (she actually might disagree with that statement ‘cause as much as she preaches “FUN,” the Ducks mean quite a bit to her, silly goil).
All right, let’s start the process and get the poor, ugly duckling of a game one out of way.
In Game One, the Ducks rode an eight run third, then Fort Knoxed the Pervs over the final two innings to win 9 to 7, while in the more scintillating Game Two, the Champs came back from five runs down in the bottom of the seventh to pull out an improbable 12 to 11 win on Kathy’s walk off, two run blast.
“Geez, how many layovers do I have on this trip?? Man are you SURE Russia isn’t a communist country??” spouted Coach Lyn with her mind obviously on other more important things (she actually might disagree with that statement ‘cause as much as she preaches “FUN,” the Ducks mean quite a bit to her, silly goil).
All right, let’s start the process and get the poor, ugly duckling of a game one out of way.
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Champs Get Preposterous; Crash Deck Party! - Part 2
7/09/2012
Game One
Even if the exciting Game Two didn’t happen, this contest would’ve been deemed pretty obtuse. Then again, how can a game be dull when both teams share the same bleachers and have to mingle with each other between innings? Ever have the feeling that there might be a few brouhahas because of this, hmm?
Anyways, the game started as gray as the skies even though the Ducks got a run when Brainguy, who doubled, scored on either The Mysterious Dave’s single or Courtney’s single. No matter because that was the extent of the Ducks staggering, run producing offense in frame one.
Upper Deck did even worse, scoring nothing. Wait, can you “score” nothing? Hmm.
In the second, hitting both size balls into the new YMCA outdoor pool was as exciting as things got (trying to fish [not Bobby] them out added to the fun), with Neal’s Folks tying the score at one (yawn).
Finally, the Quackers got the offense going. Two walks and yet another single by Courtney (who gleamed and said “I LOVE the small ball!” See? To some girls, size DOESN’T matter!) put the Ducks ahead to stay.
Newcomer Justin (Ralph’s son who would give Stretch a run for his money height-wise) mashed a double and that was followed up with a single by Sassy Notch’s replacement, Kara Kara Kara Kara Kara chameleon. Bob The Fish walked, Lyn question-marked (blank in the book, so we’ll give her a triple), Ralphie doubled, with him and Coach scoring on McDuffs only contribution to the cause, a Mattie Special (which is a Sac Fly for you newcomers). Brainguy then banged a hard liner (go ahead girls, put that phrase in the gutter) that Neal actually caught. Lyn wrote “F-Neal” in the book that we mistook for Brainguy writing “F-ing Neal!” Eh, both true we suppose. Three hits later and the Ducks had built a snowman and a 9 to 1 lead (Do you miss snow? We sure don’t).
The third inning highlight, next to Brainguy overrunning a grounder to short then trying to make up for it by doing the Mexican Hat Dance, was Neal striking out swinging. Laugh it up, fuzzballs, because The Man would get a couple of key hits later on (wait: He got a hit later? We thought the world DIDN”T end last night).
But that was it for the Quacker offense as they geared into super sleep mode, sticking up a picture of the Transit of Venus on its screen saver for the final four innings. Meanwhile, Upper Deck got a big five-run fifth to cut the lead to two with two to play. But that would be as close as they would get as the defensive side of the Waterfowl tightened the screws. The seventh could’ve gotten a bit hairy but with one on and a single lawn mowing it’s way to center field, Justin grabbed it and rifled a pea to Kathy at second to get a force out that pretty much deflated the UDs (NOT the contraceptive. That’s an IUD you dolts!). The throw almost ended Kathy’s heroics before we even knew she would have heroics (jump in the TARDIS and figure that out…and look up TARDIS while you’re at it!) as Justin’s throw imprinted “made in Haiti” on K’s hand…through her glove no less. The rest of the inning proceeded without a hitch and the Duckies were victorious. But as they used to say in the old Batman show: “The wildest is yet to come!”
GAME ONE
Champs 1 0 8 0 0 0 0—9
Upper Dorks 0 1 0 1 5 0 0—7
Even if the exciting Game Two didn’t happen, this contest would’ve been deemed pretty obtuse. Then again, how can a game be dull when both teams share the same bleachers and have to mingle with each other between innings? Ever have the feeling that there might be a few brouhahas because of this, hmm?
Anyways, the game started as gray as the skies even though the Ducks got a run when Brainguy, who doubled, scored on either The Mysterious Dave’s single or Courtney’s single. No matter because that was the extent of the Ducks staggering, run producing offense in frame one.
Upper Deck did even worse, scoring nothing. Wait, can you “score” nothing? Hmm.
In the second, hitting both size balls into the new YMCA outdoor pool was as exciting as things got (trying to fish [not Bobby] them out added to the fun), with Neal’s Folks tying the score at one (yawn).
Finally, the Quackers got the offense going. Two walks and yet another single by Courtney (who gleamed and said “I LOVE the small ball!” See? To some girls, size DOESN’T matter!) put the Ducks ahead to stay.
Newcomer Justin (Ralph’s son who would give Stretch a run for his money height-wise) mashed a double and that was followed up with a single by Sassy Notch’s replacement, Kara Kara Kara Kara Kara chameleon. Bob The Fish walked, Lyn question-marked (blank in the book, so we’ll give her a triple), Ralphie doubled, with him and Coach scoring on McDuffs only contribution to the cause, a Mattie Special (which is a Sac Fly for you newcomers). Brainguy then banged a hard liner (go ahead girls, put that phrase in the gutter) that Neal actually caught. Lyn wrote “F-Neal” in the book that we mistook for Brainguy writing “F-ing Neal!” Eh, both true we suppose. Three hits later and the Ducks had built a snowman and a 9 to 1 lead (Do you miss snow? We sure don’t).
The third inning highlight, next to Brainguy overrunning a grounder to short then trying to make up for it by doing the Mexican Hat Dance, was Neal striking out swinging. Laugh it up, fuzzballs, because The Man would get a couple of key hits later on (wait: He got a hit later? We thought the world DIDN”T end last night).
But that was it for the Quacker offense as they geared into super sleep mode, sticking up a picture of the Transit of Venus on its screen saver for the final four innings. Meanwhile, Upper Deck got a big five-run fifth to cut the lead to two with two to play. But that would be as close as they would get as the defensive side of the Waterfowl tightened the screws. The seventh could’ve gotten a bit hairy but with one on and a single lawn mowing it’s way to center field, Justin grabbed it and rifled a pea to Kathy at second to get a force out that pretty much deflated the UDs (NOT the contraceptive. That’s an IUD you dolts!). The throw almost ended Kathy’s heroics before we even knew she would have heroics (jump in the TARDIS and figure that out…and look up TARDIS while you’re at it!) as Justin’s throw imprinted “made in Haiti” on K’s hand…through her glove no less. The rest of the inning proceeded without a hitch and the Duckies were victorious. But as they used to say in the old Batman show: “The wildest is yet to come!”
GAME ONE
Champs 1 0 8 0 0 0 0—9
Upper Dorks 0 1 0 1 5 0 0—7
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Champs Get Preposterous; Crash Deck Party! - Part 3
7/09/2012
Game Two
Now Game Two will go down in Duck lore as probably the most incredible, impossible, astonishing, ridiculous, cockamamie win E-V-E-R.
Before the game, Lyn was filling out the line up and Jerome, the YMCA scorer (wait; someone from the Y is actually PAYING ATTENTION?) asked who her last batter was and she said sotto voce “Timmaaaaaaay!” Jerome nodded as if he understood and slunk away.
But indeed, Timmaaaaaay did arrive, with poor Krista in tow (“Oh he’ll pay for this” was the long-haired girl’s only comment) along with the head-banging trio, Mattie And His Minions (or the bebop group, Raven and The Ravenettes if you’d rather). Both would contribute to the cause…uh, whatever the cause was. Oh right, softball. Ahem, onwards…
In the first, Ralph screwed up and gave Upper Deck a run, while the Ducks F-7, F-7 and F-6ed their way into dreamland. A nice running grab by Mattie in center and the cat-like reflexes of Kathy behind the plate told the Pervs where to stick it in the second. After finishing their fifth Buttery Nipple, the Duck offense finally rolled out of bed, took two aspirin and went to work. Court and Mattie (sittin’ in a tree, Kay-eye-ess-ess…never mind CHILDREN) singled, then Kara smashed a double between the astonished Upper Deck outfielders (although some might say it was astonishing that her speed actually got her a double!). Justin then cranked a two-baggah and Kara scored from second, sliding safely under the tag of the Perv pitcher (wait, where was the catcher?). “I can’t run, but I can sure slide!” said Kara, much to the delight of the GutterDuck Chicks (an indigo band?). Coach Lyn, sporting a spiffy zebra top oh baby, lined out, McDuff (the dolt) foul-struck out and Ralphie hit a fielders choice acting as boron control rods to the Ducks fissioning offense.
The DeckDorks only got one in the third thanks in part to a grand catch by Justin in center, although his Timmy-like throw was a bit TOO high for the cutoff man that allowed the run to score. The game then turned when Elsa popped the ball over Court’s head. McDuff grabbed the loose ball and got Elsa out at first, creating an aura of Bad Karma that would haunt the Ducks later on. (“But Lyn said it would be an INSULT if I didn’t try to throw her out!” pleaded McDuff to deaf ears). As our Texas daughter in law T.J. says, Bad Karma always comes back to bite you.
Brainguy ignored Karma (wait: was that Weird Girl’s name?) and got that run back in the bottom of the inning, lofting a sort of single/double, or as he called it, a “dingle” to right center. The resulting two and a half base error (with the cutoff chick throwing the slick ball BACKWARDS) allowed The Brain to come all the way around for a pseudo, but not really, home run (the official scorer actually put it in as a FOUR BASE ERROR, but Lyn felt generous). Umpire Dan admonished the on deck hitter Kathy for not moving the bat out of the way as BG sprinted home. But little did anyone know that Dan’s comments would start a white-hot anger burning in Kathy’s solar plexus to be unleashed at the most opportune time.
The fourth and fifth innings featured two good catches on deep flies by Mattie and a silly double play grounded into by McDuff. After five, the Ducks were sailing along (on moonlight bay) with a four run lead totally ignoring the lurking rogue wave that was about to swamp them.
The Deadliest Catch rolled in. Two base hits, and a failed attempt by Brainguy to tag someone out loaded the bases. A chip shot down the right field line (Ha! Can’t blame McDuff for not catching it, he wasn’t in) scored a pair to make it 5-4, Ducks. That lead lasted about as long as a Bud Light in Brainguy’s hand as the re-jammed sacks were cleared by a monster tomahawk triple by one B. Owens. “How’d that feel?!?!? How’d that feel?!?! How’d that feel?!?!” ska-REEMED Neal as the Perv bench went schizophrenic.
Now Game Two will go down in Duck lore as probably the most incredible, impossible, astonishing, ridiculous, cockamamie win E-V-E-R.
Before the game, Lyn was filling out the line up and Jerome, the YMCA scorer (wait; someone from the Y is actually PAYING ATTENTION?) asked who her last batter was and she said sotto voce “Timmaaaaaaay!” Jerome nodded as if he understood and slunk away.
But indeed, Timmaaaaaay did arrive, with poor Krista in tow (“Oh he’ll pay for this” was the long-haired girl’s only comment) along with the head-banging trio, Mattie And His Minions (or the bebop group, Raven and The Ravenettes if you’d rather). Both would contribute to the cause…uh, whatever the cause was. Oh right, softball. Ahem, onwards…
In the first, Ralph screwed up and gave Upper Deck a run, while the Ducks F-7, F-7 and F-6ed their way into dreamland. A nice running grab by Mattie in center and the cat-like reflexes of Kathy behind the plate told the Pervs where to stick it in the second. After finishing their fifth Buttery Nipple, the Duck offense finally rolled out of bed, took two aspirin and went to work. Court and Mattie (sittin’ in a tree, Kay-eye-ess-ess…never mind CHILDREN) singled, then Kara smashed a double between the astonished Upper Deck outfielders (although some might say it was astonishing that her speed actually got her a double!). Justin then cranked a two-baggah and Kara scored from second, sliding safely under the tag of the Perv pitcher (wait, where was the catcher?). “I can’t run, but I can sure slide!” said Kara, much to the delight of the GutterDuck Chicks (an indigo band?). Coach Lyn, sporting a spiffy zebra top oh baby, lined out, McDuff (the dolt) foul-struck out and Ralphie hit a fielders choice acting as boron control rods to the Ducks fissioning offense.
The DeckDorks only got one in the third thanks in part to a grand catch by Justin in center, although his Timmy-like throw was a bit TOO high for the cutoff man that allowed the run to score. The game then turned when Elsa popped the ball over Court’s head. McDuff grabbed the loose ball and got Elsa out at first, creating an aura of Bad Karma that would haunt the Ducks later on. (“But Lyn said it would be an INSULT if I didn’t try to throw her out!” pleaded McDuff to deaf ears). As our Texas daughter in law T.J. says, Bad Karma always comes back to bite you.
Brainguy ignored Karma (wait: was that Weird Girl’s name?) and got that run back in the bottom of the inning, lofting a sort of single/double, or as he called it, a “dingle” to right center. The resulting two and a half base error (with the cutoff chick throwing the slick ball BACKWARDS) allowed The Brain to come all the way around for a pseudo, but not really, home run (the official scorer actually put it in as a FOUR BASE ERROR, but Lyn felt generous). Umpire Dan admonished the on deck hitter Kathy for not moving the bat out of the way as BG sprinted home. But little did anyone know that Dan’s comments would start a white-hot anger burning in Kathy’s solar plexus to be unleashed at the most opportune time.
The fourth and fifth innings featured two good catches on deep flies by Mattie and a silly double play grounded into by McDuff. After five, the Ducks were sailing along (on moonlight bay) with a four run lead totally ignoring the lurking rogue wave that was about to swamp them.
The Deadliest Catch rolled in. Two base hits, and a failed attempt by Brainguy to tag someone out loaded the bases. A chip shot down the right field line (Ha! Can’t blame McDuff for not catching it, he wasn’t in) scored a pair to make it 5-4, Ducks. That lead lasted about as long as a Bud Light in Brainguy’s hand as the re-jammed sacks were cleared by a monster tomahawk triple by one B. Owens. “How’d that feel?!?!? How’d that feel?!?! How’d that feel?!?!” ska-REEMED Neal as the Perv bench went schizophrenic.
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Champs Get Preposterous; Crash Deck Party! - Part 4
7/09/2012
Next batter boinked a liner off of Ralphie’s leg and the Denim Man had no play, putting Upper Deck ahead 8-5. Two more runs would cross the plate in this Twilight Zone inning with Lyn inchworming her way to second base for a force out, to put the Duck defense out of it’s misery. As their 8 run frame was acted out, Neal’s team was awash with loud and boisterous (bordering on, and crossing over to obnoxious), bragging, shouting, mewling and puking. Even the Ducks quiet Dave, who was in the graybox, shook his head at this decibel-shattering outpouring. “They’re absolutely balmy, they’re a bunch of raving nutters!” said the other greybox boy.
Meanwhile the Ducks did a whole bunch of NOTHING to quiet the throng going one, two, three in the sixth. The gleeful Neals got one more in the top of the seventh and would have had more off of a deflected grounder, but Brainguy charged and angrily slung a palmball over to Courtney to end the inning (he denies the anger but WE know).
As the skies cleared and the only sound was the sloshing pool water (well, we WOULD’VE heard that if it wasn’t for Neal’s incessant yelling “FUNDAMENTALS! FUNDAMENTALS!”) it was the last chance for Our gloomy Heroes to do something, ANYTHING to shut those folks up!! Trailing 11-6, Kara led off by proving the team’s buzzard luck as her line drive was deflected by the pitcher to the second basechick who threw her out at first. Justin manned up and pounded a triple to the gap and was quite tired when he dragged his sorry butt to third (“I was up too early this morning,” he said. What time did he get up? “Nine o’clock.” Uh huh). Zebra Girl then popped out to second and it all came down to this. Tableau: Man on third, two outs, down by 5 with McDuff, he of the foul strike out and double play grounder, at the plate. Now come on: how many people thought that the Ducks had any kind of a chance? Let’s be honest here. Hey there was a better chance the Ducks could come back than hitting the lottery, but you’ve got a better chance getting hit by lightning too! “Sigh,” breathed the melancholy crowd, “Can we go now? The Celts are on!” whispered Krista, “FUNDAMENTALS! FUNDAMENTALS!” yelled Neal. It did indeed look bleak. But then, shockingly, a pig flew by and McDuff singled past the vacuum-cleaner secondbasechick! Now it was Bob’s turn. HE singles to left putting two on, two out with one run in. Then the whole thing comes apart as Ralph grounds to the shortstop. BUT WAIT! The ball was hit just far enough to draw the third baseman away from the bag so they couldn’t force the piano carrying McDuff. They try to force Bobby at second. Pin gets inserted into a voodoo doll somewhere in the French Quarter 1,528 miles away and the secondbasechick bobbles the ball juicing the sacks for the Champs!! Up steps Timmaaaaaayyy. Since he finally reasoned (correctly) that his last at bat (a force out) wasn’t good enough to impress Krista, he spanked that cowhide up the middle to plate McDuff and Fish (a law firm, no?). It’s now 11-9 with Ralph at third, Timmay at first, Mr. Brainguy at the plate and Neal praying to the softball gods. All of a sudden, time slowed down. You could see the wings of a flying hummingbird. Electrons eased in their orbits around their nucleus, Tyler “Stretch” Grogan saw the Red Sox crumble like a sandcastle in the tide and Brainguy did what Giraffe probably would never do in this situation: take a walk. Yepper, an honest to god base on balls. But was this Upper Deck’s strategy? Did they feel safer to face the next hitter, Kathy because she was a GIRRRRRL??? The pitcher DID move the outfielders in because…because…um…because? Because she was a GIRRRRRRL and was more likely to hit a Texas leaguer as opposed to an ICBM? Maybe. But as the spinning ball slowly arced through the starry night on it’s way to a date with destiny, Special K took an Ericesque swing and ripped a Robert Redford Starring As Roy Hobbs In The Natural shot over B. Owens in left, stunning everyone in the known universe who thought that the noisy Upper Deck had the game won. Timmay scored the tying run! Brain trotted home with the winner as Kathy hit first, arms raised in triumph.
Holy moley!
Yes, as the poor dopes from Upper Deck’s deluded dream of defeating the Ducks crashed back to Earth like a loud, bawling Skylab, Neal’s expression and mood went sort of like this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BStsvoYLqIY
A smiling, ebullient Lyn Atkinson said, “Seeing Neal’s face go totally dejected? It was great!” She then gave a giggle and a wink to her fans and pranced merrily to the after game festivities.
So there you have it: just another night at the old ballyard, eh? Oh and remember Kathy’s “white hot anger”? We told you she released it at the most opportune time: it was after the game when she was navigating the woods trying to find a hidden place to pee.
GAME TWO
Upper Dinks 1 0 1 0 0 8 1—11
Champs 0 4 1 0 1 0 6—12
Meanwhile the Ducks did a whole bunch of NOTHING to quiet the throng going one, two, three in the sixth. The gleeful Neals got one more in the top of the seventh and would have had more off of a deflected grounder, but Brainguy charged and angrily slung a palmball over to Courtney to end the inning (he denies the anger but WE know).
As the skies cleared and the only sound was the sloshing pool water (well, we WOULD’VE heard that if it wasn’t for Neal’s incessant yelling “FUNDAMENTALS! FUNDAMENTALS!”) it was the last chance for Our gloomy Heroes to do something, ANYTHING to shut those folks up!! Trailing 11-6, Kara led off by proving the team’s buzzard luck as her line drive was deflected by the pitcher to the second basechick who threw her out at first. Justin manned up and pounded a triple to the gap and was quite tired when he dragged his sorry butt to third (“I was up too early this morning,” he said. What time did he get up? “Nine o’clock.” Uh huh). Zebra Girl then popped out to second and it all came down to this. Tableau: Man on third, two outs, down by 5 with McDuff, he of the foul strike out and double play grounder, at the plate. Now come on: how many people thought that the Ducks had any kind of a chance? Let’s be honest here. Hey there was a better chance the Ducks could come back than hitting the lottery, but you’ve got a better chance getting hit by lightning too! “Sigh,” breathed the melancholy crowd, “Can we go now? The Celts are on!” whispered Krista, “FUNDAMENTALS! FUNDAMENTALS!” yelled Neal. It did indeed look bleak. But then, shockingly, a pig flew by and McDuff singled past the vacuum-cleaner secondbasechick! Now it was Bob’s turn. HE singles to left putting two on, two out with one run in. Then the whole thing comes apart as Ralph grounds to the shortstop. BUT WAIT! The ball was hit just far enough to draw the third baseman away from the bag so they couldn’t force the piano carrying McDuff. They try to force Bobby at second. Pin gets inserted into a voodoo doll somewhere in the French Quarter 1,528 miles away and the secondbasechick bobbles the ball juicing the sacks for the Champs!! Up steps Timmaaaaaayyy. Since he finally reasoned (correctly) that his last at bat (a force out) wasn’t good enough to impress Krista, he spanked that cowhide up the middle to plate McDuff and Fish (a law firm, no?). It’s now 11-9 with Ralph at third, Timmay at first, Mr. Brainguy at the plate and Neal praying to the softball gods. All of a sudden, time slowed down. You could see the wings of a flying hummingbird. Electrons eased in their orbits around their nucleus, Tyler “Stretch” Grogan saw the Red Sox crumble like a sandcastle in the tide and Brainguy did what Giraffe probably would never do in this situation: take a walk. Yepper, an honest to god base on balls. But was this Upper Deck’s strategy? Did they feel safer to face the next hitter, Kathy because she was a GIRRRRRL??? The pitcher DID move the outfielders in because…because…um…because? Because she was a GIRRRRRRL and was more likely to hit a Texas leaguer as opposed to an ICBM? Maybe. But as the spinning ball slowly arced through the starry night on it’s way to a date with destiny, Special K took an Ericesque swing and ripped a Robert Redford Starring As Roy Hobbs In The Natural shot over B. Owens in left, stunning everyone in the known universe who thought that the noisy Upper Deck had the game won. Timmay scored the tying run! Brain trotted home with the winner as Kathy hit first, arms raised in triumph.
Holy moley!
Yes, as the poor dopes from Upper Deck’s deluded dream of defeating the Ducks crashed back to Earth like a loud, bawling Skylab, Neal’s expression and mood went sort of like this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BStsvoYLqIY
A smiling, ebullient Lyn Atkinson said, “Seeing Neal’s face go totally dejected? It was great!” She then gave a giggle and a wink to her fans and pranced merrily to the after game festivities.
So there you have it: just another night at the old ballyard, eh? Oh and remember Kathy’s “white hot anger”? We told you she released it at the most opportune time: it was after the game when she was navigating the woods trying to find a hidden place to pee.
GAME TWO
Upper Dinks 1 0 1 0 0 8 1—11
Champs 0 4 1 0 1 0 6—12
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Champs Dine on Sea Bass
7/09/2012
5/29 - Game one of the Summer 2012 was like shooting fish in a barrel. It was a good warm up game for the new season. The well rested Ducks started the first inning by batting through the order of 10 + 1 and catching 5 runs. While the Sea bass had no bait on their hooks didn’t catch anything. The ducks sent 7 more fisher- persons and caught 2 more. The Sea Bass were still Dormant from their long winter nap were still unable to score. In the 3rd the Ducks sent 14 to Fish and caught 8 easy runs. While the Sea Bass still Floundered, the Ducks just kept fishing for runs with 2 more in the 4th. In the fifth inning, the Sea Bass were about to be Slaughtered with a 17 to 0 shutout. Instead of cutting bait and running, the little fishes scored five runs to try and stage a comeback. This was like swimming upstream for the little Basses, as the Big Ducks scooped up 3 more Runs to have the 15 run mercy rule to go into effect.
Not as long or too many juicy details for tonight’s game, as the Good scribe was home heating up the oil in the frying pan.
Champs 5 2 8 2 3 – 20
Sea Bass 0 0 0 0 5 – 5
Not as long or too many juicy details for tonight’s game, as the Good scribe was home heating up the oil in the frying pan.
Champs 5 2 8 2 3 – 20
Sea Bass 0 0 0 0 5 – 5
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Defiant Champs Defend The Crown: Lay Waste To Their Enemies!
12/07/2011
YMCA Stadium, Home Of The December 5th? Softball Finals, Foxborough MA—Lyn’s Lame Ducks once again pulled off the improbable by sweeping a four hour softball ménage a trois and sending their sobbing, hapless opponents sprinting towards the hinterlands.
“Russian babies don’t come cheap, so pay up!” was Coach Lyn’s post-game comment. “Yay Ducks, we won!” was the other subtler one.
After getting pushed around by Powermatic in game two of the semi-finals, the Champs refocused and regained their eagle-eyed sharpness, torching and plundering everything in their path like a herd of rampaging Visigoths.
First, they blew by Powermatic 11-5 to advance to the finals against Coach Perv and his ringers, then the Champs horsewhipped Upper Deck 10-3 in game one, finishing things off with a good old fashioned 20-8 annihilation to win their fourth title in a row.
“Tee hee,” giggled Coach Lyn after seeing the number of the picture taken of the Champs (69), which was really one of the only “naughty” bits of the night, except when Mattie and Brainguy got talking about chinrests and the space between bowling ball holes as the clock tower tolled 11. The Lyn Atkinson Fan Club will be happy to know that she even blushed a little at the conversation ("T’aint funny, McGee”).
“Did Timmay ever get that kiss?” asked someone who just MIGHT have been Timmay. Inquiring minds want to know, ya know.
Anyways, fifty degrees! December softball! Playoffs! Full roster!
Shall we?
Oh baby, yes.
“Russian babies don’t come cheap, so pay up!” was Coach Lyn’s post-game comment. “Yay Ducks, we won!” was the other subtler one.
After getting pushed around by Powermatic in game two of the semi-finals, the Champs refocused and regained their eagle-eyed sharpness, torching and plundering everything in their path like a herd of rampaging Visigoths.
First, they blew by Powermatic 11-5 to advance to the finals against Coach Perv and his ringers, then the Champs horsewhipped Upper Deck 10-3 in game one, finishing things off with a good old fashioned 20-8 annihilation to win their fourth title in a row.
“Tee hee,” giggled Coach Lyn after seeing the number of the picture taken of the Champs (69), which was really one of the only “naughty” bits of the night, except when Mattie and Brainguy got talking about chinrests and the space between bowling ball holes as the clock tower tolled 11. The Lyn Atkinson Fan Club will be happy to know that she even blushed a little at the conversation ("T’aint funny, McGee”).
“Did Timmay ever get that kiss?” asked someone who just MIGHT have been Timmay. Inquiring minds want to know, ya know.
Anyways, fifty degrees! December softball! Playoffs! Full roster!
Shall we?
Oh baby, yes.
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The Ghost Of Christmas Past - Part 1
12/07/2011
The last time we saw Our Heroes, they had amassed a mere four runs on a skimpy nine hits with more fly outs than a pomegranate has of pits while their defense was like watching a backwards Laurel and Hardy short. They were so low in energy that even the Energizer Bunny gave them the finger and hopped home. Would Jacob Marley come and straighten them out?
Didn’t seem that way early, but little did anyone know that after Powermatics 1-2-hit-3 first inning, the vaunted Ducks defense would stay as solid as Fort Knox deep into the night.
After two quick outs in the Ducks half of the first, Eric doubled then scored on a ringing single by Derek/Big D/Dallas to vault our heroes into the lead!
The game would stay 1-0 as both defenses played stingy, except for E’s error on a throw to Courtney after getting the prettiest charity hop this side of Karen Gillian.
The Powerey Boyz threatened in the top of the third, but a great running catch by Mattie, a.k.a. The Raven in right center short circuited their diabolical plans and saved two runs. Obviously psyched by this feat of legerdemain, the Champs went to work. Heini singled and holy cow so did McDuff! Timmay, promised a kiss by Coach Lyn, also singled (if she promised that to the whole team they’d bat around every inning ‘cause remember: the Duck chicks go “both ways”!) and Ralphie doubled down the right field line, scoring both ‘Duff and ‘Mmay. Brainguy grounded to short and Ralph in one of his famous brain dead moments took off towards third. He got into a pickle, naturally, as Brain looked like a yo-yo trying to decide about staying at first or going to second. Finally after what seemed like an eternity, the pickle turned sour, Ralph belly flopped back into second and Tyler jumped off the bench as if his butt had just been electrocuted yelling “Yeah Ralph (Idiot)!!” Meanwhile Lyn fell to the ground, laughing her adorable head off. Seeing T-Rex bolt up like a jumping jack obviously frightened Powermatic because the Ducks added three MORE hits in the inning to take a 7-0 lead.
Didn’t seem that way early, but little did anyone know that after Powermatics 1-2-hit-3 first inning, the vaunted Ducks defense would stay as solid as Fort Knox deep into the night.
After two quick outs in the Ducks half of the first, Eric doubled then scored on a ringing single by Derek/Big D/Dallas to vault our heroes into the lead!
The game would stay 1-0 as both defenses played stingy, except for E’s error on a throw to Courtney after getting the prettiest charity hop this side of Karen Gillian.
The Powerey Boyz threatened in the top of the third, but a great running catch by Mattie, a.k.a. The Raven in right center short circuited their diabolical plans and saved two runs. Obviously psyched by this feat of legerdemain, the Champs went to work. Heini singled and holy cow so did McDuff! Timmay, promised a kiss by Coach Lyn, also singled (if she promised that to the whole team they’d bat around every inning ‘cause remember: the Duck chicks go “both ways”!) and Ralphie doubled down the right field line, scoring both ‘Duff and ‘Mmay. Brainguy grounded to short and Ralph in one of his famous brain dead moments took off towards third. He got into a pickle, naturally, as Brain looked like a yo-yo trying to decide about staying at first or going to second. Finally after what seemed like an eternity, the pickle turned sour, Ralph belly flopped back into second and Tyler jumped off the bench as if his butt had just been electrocuted yelling “Yeah Ralph (Idiot)!!” Meanwhile Lyn fell to the ground, laughing her adorable head off. Seeing T-Rex bolt up like a jumping jack obviously frightened Powermatic because the Ducks added three MORE hits in the inning to take a 7-0 lead.
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The Ghost Of Christmas Past - Part 2
12/07/2011
Ralph, again morphing into McDuff, walked two batters in the fourth and both of them scored and the ‘Matics were gettin’ noisy, closing the gap to 7-3.
But not only were the Ducks following Heini’s mantra: Win Every Inning (or at least TIE it), but the zombie that is Cheesie arrived to cough on everyone. Her magical gagging buoyed the offense that smacked five more hits to “tie the inning” and push the lead back up to seven.
The Yakkers got a few back in the fifth thanks to a bleeding fly ball that Mattie gloved, then threw away, thinking Cheesie had coughed on it. Kathy then made a glowing catch in right to keep the score at 10-5 Ducks.
Three straight hits with two outs including a screaming single by Giraffe got one of those runs back and the lead up to six.
After her stellar catch in right, Kathy was immediately demoted to catcher duty as the Ducks took the field in the sixth. Well, okay, it was only because Cheesie was back at third for the first time in what seemed like an eternity (poor Christine was too damned achy to continue). With Sassy Notch secure in place, the Lame Duck defense locked up like a constipated orangutan, going on a (get this) SEVEN INNING scoreless streak and kept their opponents off the board for an astonishing 13 out of the next 16 innings!
Holy Zarquon Singing Fish (you can LIU if you want).
A good grab by Derek and two by the quickster Timmay (with him calling “Mine!” on the last one even though he was miles from his fellow fielders) sunk Powermatic in the sixth.
Meanwhile, the Ducks offense, still pining for Hot Chocolate (hey wait: we didn’t get ANY this season!!), spit the bit, keeping the score at 11-5, which is where it would end up, with E A-L-M-O-S-T ending the game on a 1 to 6 to 3 double play (nice try Court). But end it he did and the pundits who were looking for a close, “chippy” game were sorely disappointed. As festive shoppers went about their business at the local stores, it was now on to the main event: The Team That Was Split Off From Neal’s Original Team (the Ducks, dummies!) versus, um, Neal’s current what-roster-are-these-people-on? Team.
Game Three, Semi-Finals
Powermatic 0 0 0 3 2 0 0—5
Champs 1 0 6 3 1 0 x—11
But not only were the Ducks following Heini’s mantra: Win Every Inning (or at least TIE it), but the zombie that is Cheesie arrived to cough on everyone. Her magical gagging buoyed the offense that smacked five more hits to “tie the inning” and push the lead back up to seven.
The Yakkers got a few back in the fifth thanks to a bleeding fly ball that Mattie gloved, then threw away, thinking Cheesie had coughed on it. Kathy then made a glowing catch in right to keep the score at 10-5 Ducks.
Three straight hits with two outs including a screaming single by Giraffe got one of those runs back and the lead up to six.
After her stellar catch in right, Kathy was immediately demoted to catcher duty as the Ducks took the field in the sixth. Well, okay, it was only because Cheesie was back at third for the first time in what seemed like an eternity (poor Christine was too damned achy to continue). With Sassy Notch secure in place, the Lame Duck defense locked up like a constipated orangutan, going on a (get this) SEVEN INNING scoreless streak and kept their opponents off the board for an astonishing 13 out of the next 16 innings!
Holy Zarquon Singing Fish (you can LIU if you want).
A good grab by Derek and two by the quickster Timmay (with him calling “Mine!” on the last one even though he was miles from his fellow fielders) sunk Powermatic in the sixth.
Meanwhile, the Ducks offense, still pining for Hot Chocolate (hey wait: we didn’t get ANY this season!!), spit the bit, keeping the score at 11-5, which is where it would end up, with E A-L-M-O-S-T ending the game on a 1 to 6 to 3 double play (nice try Court). But end it he did and the pundits who were looking for a close, “chippy” game were sorely disappointed. As festive shoppers went about their business at the local stores, it was now on to the main event: The Team That Was Split Off From Neal’s Original Team (the Ducks, dummies!) versus, um, Neal’s current what-roster-are-these-people-on? Team.
Game Three, Semi-Finals
Powermatic 0 0 0 3 2 0 0—5
Champs 1 0 6 3 1 0 x—11
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The Ghost of Christmas Present - Part 1
12/07/2011
We’ve already told you about the Ducks defense (they shut Neal’s team out 11 out of 14 innings) so I guess we kinda screwed up any suspense we could generate. Oh well. We’ll tell you that Spat Man made a good catch in right in the first and the Champs came to the plate with a Terminator mentality (kill, kill, f-you a**hole), although you wouldn’t have guessed that by the way the inning started. Brainguy flew out; Kathy walked and was forced by E, of all people, at second. Sassy Notch got her game on by ripping a single, so it was two on with two out when Dallas lifted a lazy fly to left…that was dropped. Two runs would score on this bumbling error, and then Sunshine would follow up a Lyn walk with a conk of his own that gave Our Heroes a 3-0 lead.
Kathy was the center of attention in the second, snaring a tough line drive then having to bust her butt on a short fly ball that Ralph ignored and said to her “You got it” which she mercifully did.
Seeing Cheesie almost fall off of the bleachers got the Champs going in the second, with Ralphie and Brainguy providing the key two out hits which stuck up three more runs on the Duck side of the ledger to increase their lead to 6-0.
The top of the third washed in with MORE grand catches; one by a sliding Stretch and the other by a fading back Mattie (truthfully, there were so many scribbles of “great catch” in our little notebook that it got a bit mundane. Also penned in our book was Timmay writing, “Kevin blows catch” (not true) to which the author added “Tim plain blows” (true)).
There were no bleacher fallouts, or pine tar sniffing in the third for the Duck offense so the lead remained at six.
Not even Neal’s team’s “HITS” chant (are you SURE they didn’t substitute a “t” for the first “h”?) helped Upper Deck’s cause as their hits were just plain s**its.
The Quackers, meanwhile found themselves loving their threes, as they got that number of runs on, heh heh, three straight hits in the fourth. Their lead ballooned to 9-zip.
Tyler once again threw the leather around in the fifth, with a nice charging catch in left, then gunning down Upper Decks’ dumber-than Patrick-Star runner who inexplicitly tagged and tried to get to second…down nine runs no less. Maybe Neal promised to kiss him (retch).
The Champs ended their scoring in the fifth: Cheesie, with two strikes and no fouls left (her favorite count!) stepped “in the bucket” and punched a single to the opposite field (over shortstop that is). Derek singled and then The Big Galoot took a page from Sassy’s book (no, not THAT book, her HITTING book! Gutterminds…), stepped “in the bucket” himself and hammered an RBI single. This tally put Our Heroes up 10-0.
Kathy was the center of attention in the second, snaring a tough line drive then having to bust her butt on a short fly ball that Ralph ignored and said to her “You got it” which she mercifully did.
Seeing Cheesie almost fall off of the bleachers got the Champs going in the second, with Ralphie and Brainguy providing the key two out hits which stuck up three more runs on the Duck side of the ledger to increase their lead to 6-0.
The top of the third washed in with MORE grand catches; one by a sliding Stretch and the other by a fading back Mattie (truthfully, there were so many scribbles of “great catch” in our little notebook that it got a bit mundane. Also penned in our book was Timmay writing, “Kevin blows catch” (not true) to which the author added “Tim plain blows” (true)).
There were no bleacher fallouts, or pine tar sniffing in the third for the Duck offense so the lead remained at six.
Not even Neal’s team’s “HITS” chant (are you SURE they didn’t substitute a “t” for the first “h”?) helped Upper Deck’s cause as their hits were just plain s**its.
The Quackers, meanwhile found themselves loving their threes, as they got that number of runs on, heh heh, three straight hits in the fourth. Their lead ballooned to 9-zip.
Tyler once again threw the leather around in the fifth, with a nice charging catch in left, then gunning down Upper Decks’ dumber-than Patrick-Star runner who inexplicitly tagged and tried to get to second…down nine runs no less. Maybe Neal promised to kiss him (retch).
The Champs ended their scoring in the fifth: Cheesie, with two strikes and no fouls left (her favorite count!) stepped “in the bucket” and punched a single to the opposite field (over shortstop that is). Derek singled and then The Big Galoot took a page from Sassy’s book (no, not THAT book, her HITTING book! Gutterminds…), stepped “in the bucket” himself and hammered an RBI single. This tally put Our Heroes up 10-0.
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The Ghost of Christmas Present - Part 2
12/07/2011
The Ducks scoreless streak broke in the sixth, with Upper Deck smacking some legitimate hits and scoring three runs. Once more, the MEN of the team figured they could easily get a hit past THE GIRL at third, but Erika again told ‘em to stick it where the sun don’t shine and made a brilliant catch on a liner to her left that kept the Quackers away from any further damage.
The most interesting thing that happened to Lyn’s Flock in the sixth was that Ralph batted out of order. Where was Timmay? Savoring his smooch? Or mad that he never got one? Whatever the reason, he somehow forgot to tell Ralph that HE was supposed to be up.
Man, this team certainly has FUN don’t they?
Neal’s Unknowns threatened in the last inning, getting the first runner on. A potential double play ball to Ralph was dropped…and kicked…and kicked again until Denim Man finally beat it with a stick and got the out at first. Courtney then made a Hollywood stop on a tough grounder, beating Ralph to the bag for out number two. A ground ball to Cheesie ended it and the Champs were once again, ONE WIN AWAY.
At the conclusion of the game, Umpire Dan (who called three games better than most of the umpires at the Y can call in three outs) suggested game two be played then and there. Lyn remembered the last time the Ducks got stuck playing three in a row. It was at the end of the 2010 summer season and her team was falling faster than Christine without her chute. They swept all three games and it was this that put them squarely on the road to Title Number One.
A December tripleheader? Why the heck not??
Game One, Finals
Upper Dorks 0 0 0 0 0 3 0—3
Champs 3 3 0 3 1 0 x—10
The most interesting thing that happened to Lyn’s Flock in the sixth was that Ralph batted out of order. Where was Timmay? Savoring his smooch? Or mad that he never got one? Whatever the reason, he somehow forgot to tell Ralph that HE was supposed to be up.
Man, this team certainly has FUN don’t they?
Neal’s Unknowns threatened in the last inning, getting the first runner on. A potential double play ball to Ralph was dropped…and kicked…and kicked again until Denim Man finally beat it with a stick and got the out at first. Courtney then made a Hollywood stop on a tough grounder, beating Ralph to the bag for out number two. A ground ball to Cheesie ended it and the Champs were once again, ONE WIN AWAY.
At the conclusion of the game, Umpire Dan (who called three games better than most of the umpires at the Y can call in three outs) suggested game two be played then and there. Lyn remembered the last time the Ducks got stuck playing three in a row. It was at the end of the 2010 summer season and her team was falling faster than Christine without her chute. They swept all three games and it was this that put them squarely on the road to Title Number One.
A December tripleheader? Why the heck not??
Game One, Finals
Upper Dorks 0 0 0 0 0 3 0—3
Champs 3 3 0 3 1 0 x—10
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The Ghost Of Christmas Yet To Come - Part 1
12/07/2011
This is why the heck not: The Ducks were totally listless in the second game versus Powermatic, taking it on the chin, so was it prudent to play a third game with the good possibility the Ducks could be comatose? “Ah, we’ll be fine! Bet it all on 23 red!” called Las Vegas Lyn.
With Brainguy busy on the phone with his agent, trying to see if it was in his contract to a) play three in a row and b) get paid extra for it, Timmay got the nod to bat leadoff and reached on an error (“These guys can’t field!”—Heini). Kathy singled, and Timmay scored on a long sac fly by Eric. The Ducks then loaded the bases but for one of the only times all night, T-Rex, like a dolt, flew out to left.
The Duck defense had a routine first inning so the score was 1-0.
In the second, Heini and his Hat doubled with two outs and scored on a McDuff single. The Man With The Pianos On His Back would be thrown out trying for second, with his slide coming up a wee bit short (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3JIHAzU5ylc). No, he didn’t give them the finger.
Upper Deck and their roster of non-roster invitees couldn’t do anything with Ralphies pitches in the second so they found themselves putting up their 8th goose egg of the night in the second.
The Duckies got lucky in the third, thanks to two rather goofy errors (“These guys can’t field!”—Heini’s Hat) and a gap splitting triple by Timmay. Eric doubled and got to third on the second error of the inning, where he scored on another hit by Derek. Dallas would then switch into Dunce Mode, getting his sorry crupper picked off first on a short, lazy fly to second by Lyn. Unlike Neal, Lyn didn’t scold the poor boy and her kind ways would pay dividends later on. For the moment in finals game two, it was 6-0 Ducks.
Ralph used his glove to stop a grounder in the third, and then decided it would be prudent to use his thigh to stop a meteorite. Ralph got the out, and then started to writhe around like a wounded duck (smartly, no one offered to rub it). Meanwhile, drifting in from right field, was the Champs other, BETTER pitcher, Kiev McDuff saying to no one in particular,
(http://home.fuse.net/skycorder/sponge/imready.wav). Unfortunately for McDuff, but fortunately for the team, Ralph stayed in, and got the final out.
Giraffe got possessed by Timmay in the fourth, screeching a double and actually SLIDING into second (is he ILL??) then scoring from second on a, ahem, dropped liner to the secondbaseperson. His fellow teammates fist bumped him then moved quickly away, thinking that he just might be one of those alien pod people.
Upper Deck finally strung some hits together and were clawing their way back in it. The Duck defense plugged the dike after three scored so it was 7-3 Ducks after four.
The starting-to-snooze Quacker offense only scored one run, thanks to a fielders choice by Brainguy and a triple by that crazed Timmay.
Things started to look a wee bit bleak for our Fine Feathered Fiends in the fifth, with Upper Deck loading the bases with one out and the “MAN” part of the order coming up. Unfortunately for Neal, even his ringers couldn’t crack the Ducks defensive code, as they only scored two in the inning, but with their bench getting noisy and irritating, the Pervs took the field, trailing only 8 to 5.
As the mist of their third game in a row started to swirl around the Champs, and the real possibility of them losing this game became a possibility, they did what they usually do: go on to more important things and discuss what is the best e-reader, the Kindle or the Nook!
While the bench was busily deciding, the Ducks offense acted like a can of Duff Beer that’s been shaken up in a paint can shaker (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pdRdg5pw_q8&feature=related).
Eric led off by tanning The Burger on the mound, getting revenge for Ralph by lining an even harder shot off of his leg.
With Brainguy busy on the phone with his agent, trying to see if it was in his contract to a) play three in a row and b) get paid extra for it, Timmay got the nod to bat leadoff and reached on an error (“These guys can’t field!”—Heini). Kathy singled, and Timmay scored on a long sac fly by Eric. The Ducks then loaded the bases but for one of the only times all night, T-Rex, like a dolt, flew out to left.
The Duck defense had a routine first inning so the score was 1-0.
In the second, Heini and his Hat doubled with two outs and scored on a McDuff single. The Man With The Pianos On His Back would be thrown out trying for second, with his slide coming up a wee bit short (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3JIHAzU5ylc). No, he didn’t give them the finger.
Upper Deck and their roster of non-roster invitees couldn’t do anything with Ralphies pitches in the second so they found themselves putting up their 8th goose egg of the night in the second.
The Duckies got lucky in the third, thanks to two rather goofy errors (“These guys can’t field!”—Heini’s Hat) and a gap splitting triple by Timmay. Eric doubled and got to third on the second error of the inning, where he scored on another hit by Derek. Dallas would then switch into Dunce Mode, getting his sorry crupper picked off first on a short, lazy fly to second by Lyn. Unlike Neal, Lyn didn’t scold the poor boy and her kind ways would pay dividends later on. For the moment in finals game two, it was 6-0 Ducks.
Ralph used his glove to stop a grounder in the third, and then decided it would be prudent to use his thigh to stop a meteorite. Ralph got the out, and then started to writhe around like a wounded duck (smartly, no one offered to rub it). Meanwhile, drifting in from right field, was the Champs other, BETTER pitcher, Kiev McDuff saying to no one in particular,
(http://home.fuse.net/skycorder/sponge/imready.wav). Unfortunately for McDuff, but fortunately for the team, Ralph stayed in, and got the final out.
Giraffe got possessed by Timmay in the fourth, screeching a double and actually SLIDING into second (is he ILL??) then scoring from second on a, ahem, dropped liner to the secondbaseperson. His fellow teammates fist bumped him then moved quickly away, thinking that he just might be one of those alien pod people.
Upper Deck finally strung some hits together and were clawing their way back in it. The Duck defense plugged the dike after three scored so it was 7-3 Ducks after four.
The starting-to-snooze Quacker offense only scored one run, thanks to a fielders choice by Brainguy and a triple by that crazed Timmay.
Things started to look a wee bit bleak for our Fine Feathered Fiends in the fifth, with Upper Deck loading the bases with one out and the “MAN” part of the order coming up. Unfortunately for Neal, even his ringers couldn’t crack the Ducks defensive code, as they only scored two in the inning, but with their bench getting noisy and irritating, the Pervs took the field, trailing only 8 to 5.
As the mist of their third game in a row started to swirl around the Champs, and the real possibility of them losing this game became a possibility, they did what they usually do: go on to more important things and discuss what is the best e-reader, the Kindle or the Nook!
While the bench was busily deciding, the Ducks offense acted like a can of Duff Beer that’s been shaken up in a paint can shaker (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pdRdg5pw_q8&feature=related).
Eric led off by tanning The Burger on the mound, getting revenge for Ralph by lining an even harder shot off of his leg.
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The Ghost Of Christmas Yet To Come - Part 2
12/07/2011
The North Adams Farm Girl, getting back into the schwing of things, singled over the grumpy infield, then Derek launched a whistler to the center field gap. As the Carousel Of Progress whirled around the bases, Court implored Erika to “Go home!” which she was thinking about (food, animal, husband…no I’ll stay here thanks) but instead picked it up to score in front of the pitter patter of Derek feet. Coach Lyn grounded out then Tyler, or someone masquerading as him, singled again, Courtney got an infield hit (thanks to a hustling Giraffe) then The Raven got T-Rex home with a single. The Ducks led 12-5 and with two out and two on, Upper Deck turned their lonely eyes to the softball gods, imploring them to help them out of the inning. Didn’t you guys ever hear about the consequences of worshiping false idols? Apparently not, as McDuff singled, Timmay doubled scoring Court with a play at the plate (deftly sliding under the tag) and the rest of the minions scored on Brainguy’s first hit of the game which pushed the inning total to eight (a snowman!) and the lead to 11.
You could sense Upper Deck’s confidence crumbling and the Ducks defense added to the team’s woes, shutting them out in the sixth. With one out and one on, Kathy stopped a ground laser on a nifty spin move and shoveled to Brainguy to start the double play. Except that Brainguy got body blocked and couldn’t get enough on the throw to turn it (“Heck, if I knew he was going to do that, I would’ve brandished my razor sharp spikes,” claimed the Quiet Man). Even this little bit of chicanery didn’t help Neal’s Greasy Pervs and the score remained steady at 16 to 5.
The Champs landed the haymaker in the top of the seventh. E, with the pitcher ducking, crowned a double. Cheesie and Derek both smote singles and after Lyn popped out (“Apparently, I don’t HAVE to hit tonight”) up strode Tyler. While standing in the box, Neal, the catcher, asked if he had ever “hit the canvas.” All was quiet, except for the electrical hum of the lights…and Kathy coughing up a lung. All Neal had to do was wait a couple of seconds for his answer as Stretch broke out the Grogan Grunt™ and walloped a ICBM to the puppet stage in left center. The puppet presentation of A Christmas Carol had to be delayed in order for the fielders to remove the softball that ended up ensconced in Bob Cratchit’s brain. Courtney, God bless us every one, then dribbled a swinging bunt that was so perfectly placed if Neal had a scooter chair from The Scooter Store he still wouldn’t have been able to get it. Then, in the epitome of synchronicity, the Lame Ducks final run of 2011 was scored on a sac fly by the self-proclaimed Sac Fly King and Parent Of The Year, Mattie. The 20th run of the game pushed Upper Deck from depressed to despair (“I’m having so much FUN!”—Heini).
Since there is no mercy rule in the playoffs, Upper Deck had a shot to make a historic comeback (oh surrre and Neal won’t try and hug one of the Duck chicks, either). Their comeback started out rather badly with Ralphie getting himself yet another strikeout. The vaunted defense took a well-deserved break, with E letting a grounder bound through his legs (“What just happened?” E asked Kathy). Neal’s Squad scored three miserable runs in this exciting attempt before finally being put out of their playoff misery, “solid ladies” and all (check out Neal’s email to Coach Lyn a few weeks ago).
So there it is, Year Of The Duck II, bookended by solid thrashings of Neal’s team: 22 to 8 in the first game of the season in May, and 20 to 8 in the last game of the season in (gulp) December.
Hey not a bad deal: eight out of the 12 months the Ducks were playing softball (and we’re sure others will make that 12 out of 12 somehow!).
It was interesting to see Neal’s team wanting to get their picture taken together (although Eric, knowing that the team probably wasn’t QUITE the same one that played all season said it was taken “So they can know who each other are”). Not sure about you, but after finals losses to Frank’s team or Team Stabbin’ the last thing on our minds is getting our picture taken…as the LOOOZERS!
Sigh.
At any rate, our congratulations to Lyn and her flock for this unprecedented championship run.
Do we dare say “Threepeat”?
Game Two, Finals
Champs 1 1 4 1 1 8 4—20
Upper Whos? 0 0 0 3 2 0 3—8
You could sense Upper Deck’s confidence crumbling and the Ducks defense added to the team’s woes, shutting them out in the sixth. With one out and one on, Kathy stopped a ground laser on a nifty spin move and shoveled to Brainguy to start the double play. Except that Brainguy got body blocked and couldn’t get enough on the throw to turn it (“Heck, if I knew he was going to do that, I would’ve brandished my razor sharp spikes,” claimed the Quiet Man). Even this little bit of chicanery didn’t help Neal’s Greasy Pervs and the score remained steady at 16 to 5.
The Champs landed the haymaker in the top of the seventh. E, with the pitcher ducking, crowned a double. Cheesie and Derek both smote singles and after Lyn popped out (“Apparently, I don’t HAVE to hit tonight”) up strode Tyler. While standing in the box, Neal, the catcher, asked if he had ever “hit the canvas.” All was quiet, except for the electrical hum of the lights…and Kathy coughing up a lung. All Neal had to do was wait a couple of seconds for his answer as Stretch broke out the Grogan Grunt™ and walloped a ICBM to the puppet stage in left center. The puppet presentation of A Christmas Carol had to be delayed in order for the fielders to remove the softball that ended up ensconced in Bob Cratchit’s brain. Courtney, God bless us every one, then dribbled a swinging bunt that was so perfectly placed if Neal had a scooter chair from The Scooter Store he still wouldn’t have been able to get it. Then, in the epitome of synchronicity, the Lame Ducks final run of 2011 was scored on a sac fly by the self-proclaimed Sac Fly King and Parent Of The Year, Mattie. The 20th run of the game pushed Upper Deck from depressed to despair (“I’m having so much FUN!”—Heini).
Since there is no mercy rule in the playoffs, Upper Deck had a shot to make a historic comeback (oh surrre and Neal won’t try and hug one of the Duck chicks, either). Their comeback started out rather badly with Ralphie getting himself yet another strikeout. The vaunted defense took a well-deserved break, with E letting a grounder bound through his legs (“What just happened?” E asked Kathy). Neal’s Squad scored three miserable runs in this exciting attempt before finally being put out of their playoff misery, “solid ladies” and all (check out Neal’s email to Coach Lyn a few weeks ago).
So there it is, Year Of The Duck II, bookended by solid thrashings of Neal’s team: 22 to 8 in the first game of the season in May, and 20 to 8 in the last game of the season in (gulp) December.
Hey not a bad deal: eight out of the 12 months the Ducks were playing softball (and we’re sure others will make that 12 out of 12 somehow!).
It was interesting to see Neal’s team wanting to get their picture taken together (although Eric, knowing that the team probably wasn’t QUITE the same one that played all season said it was taken “So they can know who each other are”). Not sure about you, but after finals losses to Frank’s team or Team Stabbin’ the last thing on our minds is getting our picture taken…as the LOOOZERS!
Sigh.
At any rate, our congratulations to Lyn and her flock for this unprecedented championship run.
Do we dare say “Threepeat”?
Game Two, Finals
Champs 1 1 4 1 1 8 4—20
Upper Whos? 0 0 0 3 2 0 3—8
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Champs Motor In Game One; Seize Up In Game Two - Part 1
12/05/2011
YMCA Stadium, Home Of The Third Base Dirtpile Foxborough MA—
Well, the good news is that the Ducks will be playing December softball. The bad news is that they’ll be competing for their playoff lives after splitting last night’s doubleheader with Powermatic, kicking rump in game one 17 to 9, then getting their own buttocks tanned in game two, 17 to 10.
“That dork is incorrigible,” grumped Coach Lyn about The Head Of The League Tim and his latest scheduling shenanigans. It also didn’t help Lyn’s (or Powermatics) mood that he was a pissy umpire all night and had a Rubik’s Cube of a strike zone that would’ve driven Descartes mad.
The Champs played rather well (at least in game one), considering they were without the services of E, Heini, Derek or Cheesie, who was SO sick that it was rumored she had been sent to the Island Of Molokai to die.
Game one got started a wee bit late due to some late arriving Ducks (YOU know who you are) and Lyn caught crap for that from Simon Bar Sinister (he looks like him, right?). Powermatic got on the board in the first thanks to Ralph morphing into McDuff and walking a female (see how easy it is to be swayed by the fairer sex?). The Champs wasted no time in taking the lead, with the Big Galoot driving in Timmay and Brainguy with a towering triple that hit SOMETHING in the woods in left, probably a raccoon. Umpire Tim claimed he “Didn’t hear anything” (talking to him IS like talking to a brick wall so this makes sense) so a griping Tyler was left standing at third where he stayed.
He must’ve still been complaining because he Charlie Browned a fly ball in the top of the second. Give him the benefit of the doubt though, since he does get less oxygen then the most of us at his altitude. Timmay ended the inning with a grand catch in center, but Powermatic had retaken the lead, 3-2.
That lasted for a whole four batters, as the Ducks broke out their whacking sticks. Mattie lead with a single, Courtney walked, McDuff cue-balled a “single” to short, and then Ralph doubled to the opposite field to take the lead back, 4-3. After Timmay grounded to second, Kathy singled and so did Brainguy, but Christine popped out to the pitcher. Two outs? Not a problem. Tyler thwacked a single, Lyn joined the hit parade with a whomp to right then Mattie (which is a fine Russian name if you hadn’t heard) burned the left fielder on a jet stream triple.
This gave the Ducks a nice, late November snowman and a rather pleasant 10 to 3 lead.
McDuff contributed to Powermatics cause in the third by pulling a Bill Buckner at the mud corner that kept their inning going. The Quacker lead would be cut to four before Timmay, on yet another running catch, ended the proceedings with vigor.
The Champs managed to squeak a lone run across in their half of the third with the highlight of the inning being Timmay bussing Coach on the cheek trying to give her some solace over her issues with the OTHER Tim. Or it might have been because Lyn had actually put Timmay in the lead off spot for the first time since the Buchanan Administration, we’re not sure. We are pretty sure Lyn’s sister Paula would be jealous had she heard about it (the kiss that is).
Buoyed by this show of emotion, the Ducks shut down PM in the fourth thanks in part to a nifty, Penn and Teller juggling catch at first by Courtney on a sawed off throw from McDuff at third.
Our Heroes wanted to pad their lead and started with a hesitating-between-first-and-second-but-then-taking-second Tyler double. Lyn, cranking up her power and cranking out her butt singled to right and was forced at second by Mattie. Uh, not really. Lyn THOUGHT she was forced and lollygagged over second base until the Duck bench saw the secondbasechick had dropped the throw. They yelled “GET ON SECOND BASE!” to Lyn at such a high decibel level that their sonic boom lit up 911 phones from here to Ontario.
Well, the good news is that the Ducks will be playing December softball. The bad news is that they’ll be competing for their playoff lives after splitting last night’s doubleheader with Powermatic, kicking rump in game one 17 to 9, then getting their own buttocks tanned in game two, 17 to 10.
“That dork is incorrigible,” grumped Coach Lyn about The Head Of The League Tim and his latest scheduling shenanigans. It also didn’t help Lyn’s (or Powermatics) mood that he was a pissy umpire all night and had a Rubik’s Cube of a strike zone that would’ve driven Descartes mad.
The Champs played rather well (at least in game one), considering they were without the services of E, Heini, Derek or Cheesie, who was SO sick that it was rumored she had been sent to the Island Of Molokai to die.
Game one got started a wee bit late due to some late arriving Ducks (YOU know who you are) and Lyn caught crap for that from Simon Bar Sinister (he looks like him, right?). Powermatic got on the board in the first thanks to Ralph morphing into McDuff and walking a female (see how easy it is to be swayed by the fairer sex?). The Champs wasted no time in taking the lead, with the Big Galoot driving in Timmay and Brainguy with a towering triple that hit SOMETHING in the woods in left, probably a raccoon. Umpire Tim claimed he “Didn’t hear anything” (talking to him IS like talking to a brick wall so this makes sense) so a griping Tyler was left standing at third where he stayed.
He must’ve still been complaining because he Charlie Browned a fly ball in the top of the second. Give him the benefit of the doubt though, since he does get less oxygen then the most of us at his altitude. Timmay ended the inning with a grand catch in center, but Powermatic had retaken the lead, 3-2.
That lasted for a whole four batters, as the Ducks broke out their whacking sticks. Mattie lead with a single, Courtney walked, McDuff cue-balled a “single” to short, and then Ralph doubled to the opposite field to take the lead back, 4-3. After Timmay grounded to second, Kathy singled and so did Brainguy, but Christine popped out to the pitcher. Two outs? Not a problem. Tyler thwacked a single, Lyn joined the hit parade with a whomp to right then Mattie (which is a fine Russian name if you hadn’t heard) burned the left fielder on a jet stream triple.
This gave the Ducks a nice, late November snowman and a rather pleasant 10 to 3 lead.
McDuff contributed to Powermatics cause in the third by pulling a Bill Buckner at the mud corner that kept their inning going. The Quacker lead would be cut to four before Timmay, on yet another running catch, ended the proceedings with vigor.
The Champs managed to squeak a lone run across in their half of the third with the highlight of the inning being Timmay bussing Coach on the cheek trying to give her some solace over her issues with the OTHER Tim. Or it might have been because Lyn had actually put Timmay in the lead off spot for the first time since the Buchanan Administration, we’re not sure. We are pretty sure Lyn’s sister Paula would be jealous had she heard about it (the kiss that is).
Buoyed by this show of emotion, the Ducks shut down PM in the fourth thanks in part to a nifty, Penn and Teller juggling catch at first by Courtney on a sawed off throw from McDuff at third.
Our Heroes wanted to pad their lead and started with a hesitating-between-first-and-second-but-then-taking-second Tyler double. Lyn, cranking up her power and cranking out her butt singled to right and was forced at second by Mattie. Uh, not really. Lyn THOUGHT she was forced and lollygagged over second base until the Duck bench saw the secondbasechick had dropped the throw. They yelled “GET ON SECOND BASE!” to Lyn at such a high decibel level that their sonic boom lit up 911 phones from here to Ontario.
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Champs Motor In Game One; Seize Up In Game Two - Part 2
12/05/2011
After Court K-ed looking on a pitch that even a diseased yak wouldn’t have called a strike, McDuff tried to behead Coach at second with a guillotine up the middle. Then the inning progressed merrily until Ralph got his sorry butt thrown out at the plate in a series of events that are still being investigated by Spenser and his pal Hawk (LIU!). The Ducks lead 15-6 after four. Powermatic continued their torrid hitting and pocketed yet another three-ball, which would've been more except for a stellar catch in right by Kathy who the 'Matic hitters were picking on all night long. At first, Tyler thought Kay had "fallen asleep" as she didn't move when the ball was hit. No, Sunshine, it was right at her, well when it first came off the bat it was. That catch must've shaken the Quacker pitching and defense out of their stupor as the last two innings saw the Powermatic crew being shut down. The offense, meanwhile, tacked on a couple unnecessary insurance runs (they should’ve SAVED ‘em for game two) to post the final at 17 to 9. A couple of individual highlights of this stonewalling included Giraffe letting a fly ball drop in front of him but still getting a force at second with a beeline to Lyn at the bag and a nice stop by Courtney on a wicked hopper to first which was unabashedly ruined when Ralph was late covering the base (which he’ll deny).
Hoping these last two innings would bode well for game two, the Ducks took their five minute (turned 15 minute) break, in which Tyler ran out and got himself some fetid (and in hindsight, unlucky it seems) dip.
Game Two
Powermatic got their potent offense going, but The Champs also sabotaged themselves thanks to some shoddy defense and an icy offense that was as frozen as Shackleton’s Endurance.
Timmay led off the game with one of his patented doubles (not the “sneaky” sort of Brainguy “patented double”) and scored on a Brainguy single (a sneaky one). The inning proved to be a harbinger of things to come as all three outs were then strung together on those irritating as heck fly balls.
Powermatic then smacked the Ducks across the beak jamming four runs up their nostrils despite Timmay trying valiantly to stop a sinking liner in the gap. The getting giddier ‘Matics lead 4 to 1.
The Duck offense remained ice blocked like a newly discovered wooly mammoth in the second, and with Powermatic scoring three in their part of the frame, the Champs found themselves staring into the Valles Marineris (LIU!).
It seemed as if Mr. Freeze was about to release the Duck offense as Timmay led the third off with a (patented) double then Brainguy pummeled a liner to the gap for a “you da man!” home run. Unfortunately after that, the inning fizzled like an Alka-Seltzer factory in a flood and that was that. The Quackers were on the wrong side of a 7 to 3 game.
Now after the contest, Lyn mentioned that game two was a “chippy” affair. Chippy? A chipping sparrow? No. A women prostitute? No. A Fish n Chips shop in England? No. Ah, here it is: belligerent or touchy and we don’t mean “touchy feely”. This said chippiness peaked in the Powermatic third. First, Brainguy gloved a bounder and tried to turn two but neglected to throw to first mainly because his throw would’ve killed the plodding runner. Brainguy figured his probation would probably be revoked if he had a murder rap so he wisely held the ball. This got the minions barking and, um, chipping, but it was nothing compared to what happened next. A PM base hit, and a stellar throw to the plate had the Powermatic pitcher dead to rights. He stopped, danced around as Christine missed the tag, yelled “Missed me!” like an 8 year old then stepped on the plate which was punctuated by umpire Tim triumphantly calling him “SAAAAAFE!” with more emotion than he’d shown in his miserable life. As the Powermatic bench erupted, the Ducks just simmered and simmered now falling behind 10-3.
Once again, seven runs isn’t usually a big deal for the Champs but on this night, it might as well have been seven THOUSAND runs. Lyn and Mattie were the table setters in inning four but they were abandoned in place by the next three hitters (OUT-ers?).
Mercifully a double play helped save the Quackers bacon in the bottom of the fourth, so the deficit remained seven.
Hoping these last two innings would bode well for game two, the Ducks took their five minute (turned 15 minute) break, in which Tyler ran out and got himself some fetid (and in hindsight, unlucky it seems) dip.
Game Two
Powermatic got their potent offense going, but The Champs also sabotaged themselves thanks to some shoddy defense and an icy offense that was as frozen as Shackleton’s Endurance.
Timmay led off the game with one of his patented doubles (not the “sneaky” sort of Brainguy “patented double”) and scored on a Brainguy single (a sneaky one). The inning proved to be a harbinger of things to come as all three outs were then strung together on those irritating as heck fly balls.
Powermatic then smacked the Ducks across the beak jamming four runs up their nostrils despite Timmay trying valiantly to stop a sinking liner in the gap. The getting giddier ‘Matics lead 4 to 1.
The Duck offense remained ice blocked like a newly discovered wooly mammoth in the second, and with Powermatic scoring three in their part of the frame, the Champs found themselves staring into the Valles Marineris (LIU!).
It seemed as if Mr. Freeze was about to release the Duck offense as Timmay led the third off with a (patented) double then Brainguy pummeled a liner to the gap for a “you da man!” home run. Unfortunately after that, the inning fizzled like an Alka-Seltzer factory in a flood and that was that. The Quackers were on the wrong side of a 7 to 3 game.
Now after the contest, Lyn mentioned that game two was a “chippy” affair. Chippy? A chipping sparrow? No. A women prostitute? No. A Fish n Chips shop in England? No. Ah, here it is: belligerent or touchy and we don’t mean “touchy feely”. This said chippiness peaked in the Powermatic third. First, Brainguy gloved a bounder and tried to turn two but neglected to throw to first mainly because his throw would’ve killed the plodding runner. Brainguy figured his probation would probably be revoked if he had a murder rap so he wisely held the ball. This got the minions barking and, um, chipping, but it was nothing compared to what happened next. A PM base hit, and a stellar throw to the plate had the Powermatic pitcher dead to rights. He stopped, danced around as Christine missed the tag, yelled “Missed me!” like an 8 year old then stepped on the plate which was punctuated by umpire Tim triumphantly calling him “SAAAAAFE!” with more emotion than he’d shown in his miserable life. As the Powermatic bench erupted, the Ducks just simmered and simmered now falling behind 10-3.
Once again, seven runs isn’t usually a big deal for the Champs but on this night, it might as well have been seven THOUSAND runs. Lyn and Mattie were the table setters in inning four but they were abandoned in place by the next three hitters (OUT-ers?).
Mercifully a double play helped save the Quackers bacon in the bottom of the fourth, so the deficit remained seven.
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Champs Motor In Game One; Seize Up In Game Two - Part 3
12/05/2011
Timmay, getting on base in order to flirt with the dewy-eyed first baseperson (who always seemed to follow him to second…”backing things up” we’re sure she’d say) doubled, followed by K reaching on an E-6. After The Brain flied to left, Christine singled, but Kathy got her gelid posterior thrown out when trying to get to third. This pleased the Powermatic crew to no end and the inning wilted with one run scored. Unfortunately, this one run was trumped by two more for the ‘Matics, with the Ducks night getting summed up on one confounding play: a looping pop up over short, pursued by Brainguy and Timmay. The Brain peels off, Timmay stops and the ball drops. Brainguy said he heard “Got it!” from Timmay but the full context of what Timmay said was “(Brainguy [implied]) YOU got it???”
Oopsie. Oh well.
As the Quackers offense remained as cold as a sorceress’ mammary gland resting in a bandeau made of a copper and zinc alloy, the situation finally went nuclear with Powermatic mouthing their way to five more runs and a this-is-getting-ridiculous 17 to 4 lead.
Despite the radioactivity, Our Heroes finally found their offense in the top of the seventh ramming seven hits down into the abyss and slicing the lead to 17 to 10, but the meltdown was too complete so our moribund knights could only drop to their knees and turn their lonely eyes to the savior that is game three.
Monday night December fifth (Walt Disney’s 100th birthday) will decide which team will move on to play The Perv and his team of non-roster invitees. I do believe that Mr. Disney had a few ducks for cartoon characters, but nothing named Powermatic (Hey, you take whatever good omen you can find, eh?). The Champs are actually hoping that there WILL be grayboxing in game three (Heini [who got gypped innings last time around]: “WHO’S saying THAT?!?!?”) because that means all hands will be on deck to help vanquish their yakky foes with grim determination.
Oh yeah, and to have FUN!!! Let’s have some fun!!
And slaughter ‘em.
Game One
Powermatic 1 2 3 0 3 0 0—9
Champs 2 8 1 4 1 1 x—17
Game Two
Champs 1 0 2 0 1 0 6—10
Powermatic 4 3 3 0 2 5 x—17
Oopsie. Oh well.
As the Quackers offense remained as cold as a sorceress’ mammary gland resting in a bandeau made of a copper and zinc alloy, the situation finally went nuclear with Powermatic mouthing their way to five more runs and a this-is-getting-ridiculous 17 to 4 lead.
Despite the radioactivity, Our Heroes finally found their offense in the top of the seventh ramming seven hits down into the abyss and slicing the lead to 17 to 10, but the meltdown was too complete so our moribund knights could only drop to their knees and turn their lonely eyes to the savior that is game three.
Monday night December fifth (Walt Disney’s 100th birthday) will decide which team will move on to play The Perv and his team of non-roster invitees. I do believe that Mr. Disney had a few ducks for cartoon characters, but nothing named Powermatic (Hey, you take whatever good omen you can find, eh?). The Champs are actually hoping that there WILL be grayboxing in game three (Heini [who got gypped innings last time around]: “WHO’S saying THAT?!?!?”) because that means all hands will be on deck to help vanquish their yakky foes with grim determination.
Oh yeah, and to have FUN!!! Let’s have some fun!!
And slaughter ‘em.
Game One
Powermatic 1 2 3 0 3 0 0—9
Champs 2 8 1 4 1 1 x—17
Game Two
Champs 1 0 2 0 1 0 6—10
Powermatic 4 3 3 0 2 5 x—17
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Champs Bar (Factory) The Doors! - Part 1
11/25/2011
YMCA Stadium, Home Of The Infield That's On Trial For Attempting To Kill Unsuspecting Shortstops, Foxborough, MA—
Las night Lyn’s Lame Ducks took their first footstep out of Munchkinland and onto the Yellow Brick Frostbite Championship Road by dropping a second inning, 9-run house on the Wicked BarFs Of The East in an efficient, but rather pedestrian 12 to 9 win.
“Yayyyy! How ‘come no one is taking our picture? We just won the title again…right??” said a smiling Coach Lyn. You can’t blame the kid for thinking that, since the Ducks DID beat Bar Factory in the last three finals played, including the scwewy (wabbit) “game three” of the summer finals that masqueraded itself as a regular season Frostbite game.
The Champs were quite wary of this game since ANYTHING can happen in a one-game playoff so Lyn assembled the whole flock, except for our beloved Christine, of course, who was busily testing the only real trustworthy force in the universe by falling 12.000 feet while wearing a bedsheet that was packed by a fallible human who didn’t have his mind on his task because his girlfriend just told him she was sleeping with his father.
As the temperature began to drop, Tyler donned his spats and the game began…and not well for the Ducks. The BarFs plated a run in the first; with the only ball hit all game to the right side of the outfield sailing over Heini’s head for a triple. That BarFer scored on a single/sacfly/error/somethingorother and that was that.
Meanwhile The Ducks weren’t playing as loose as that gal Sassy Notch, proving this by going fly out, fly out, fly out in their half of the first.
After a dull top of the second by Bar Factory, Erika led off the Quackers with a wrist-jarring (we SAID it was COLD) single to the opposite field (i.e. over second base) that was followed by a Derek single. Coach Lyn, still with a sore shoulder, “struck out” on a foul ball and moped back to the bench. Mattie, unusually quiet (perhaps the Houston job DID go through?) listened to the words of Yoda and walked, which drove in Cheesie and the game was tied, just like that. Hopalong Courtney, sore foot and all, also took a walk, which juiced the sacks for Grogs/Sunshine/TheBigGaloot. Tyler did not disappoint (for once, ha!), Grogan Grunting™ a Christine’s plane-high fly to left that we THINK the left fielder got a glove on. Since he touched it, the “triple rule” did not apply, and the runners could take “all they can get.” Giraffe went into automatic home run Cadillac mode, but when the umpire was asked, “Is it a home run?” The Rule Upholder, The Arbiter, The Man Who Knows merely shrugged his shoulders in confusion, so everyone decided to scurry to the plate before his brain could boot up. The bases were now free of Ducks, but the inning continued with the late-arriving McDuff walking (a hint: next time if you’re late, don’t bother coming at all, as an oh-for-two coupled with a stand-like-a-statue-of Bob’s Big Boy-in-right (http://fastfoodies.org/vegetarian-fast-food/bobs-big-boy-statue/) and get-Heini-and-his-hat-mad-by-having-him-pinkboxed-for-four-innings most definitely wasn’t worth the price of admission) Heini, seeing this snub through the rip in time/space created by Christine last week, got McDuff back by forcing him at second. The crazed Timmay doinked a single and Heini scored when the throw to the infield was held for about a day in a half. Lyn was so shocked to see Heini home, she did a surprised “Oh hi!” as in “I wasn’t expecting to see you here at this point in time!” Ralph then went wayyyy opposite field, Brainguy creamed a double and after Kathy walked (back in the saddle: she walked twice), Eric ripped a single that took off the shortstop’s glove.
Las night Lyn’s Lame Ducks took their first footstep out of Munchkinland and onto the Yellow Brick Frostbite Championship Road by dropping a second inning, 9-run house on the Wicked BarFs Of The East in an efficient, but rather pedestrian 12 to 9 win.
“Yayyyy! How ‘come no one is taking our picture? We just won the title again…right??” said a smiling Coach Lyn. You can’t blame the kid for thinking that, since the Ducks DID beat Bar Factory in the last three finals played, including the scwewy (wabbit) “game three” of the summer finals that masqueraded itself as a regular season Frostbite game.
The Champs were quite wary of this game since ANYTHING can happen in a one-game playoff so Lyn assembled the whole flock, except for our beloved Christine, of course, who was busily testing the only real trustworthy force in the universe by falling 12.000 feet while wearing a bedsheet that was packed by a fallible human who didn’t have his mind on his task because his girlfriend just told him she was sleeping with his father.
As the temperature began to drop, Tyler donned his spats and the game began…and not well for the Ducks. The BarFs plated a run in the first; with the only ball hit all game to the right side of the outfield sailing over Heini’s head for a triple. That BarFer scored on a single/sacfly/error/somethingorother and that was that.
Meanwhile The Ducks weren’t playing as loose as that gal Sassy Notch, proving this by going fly out, fly out, fly out in their half of the first.
After a dull top of the second by Bar Factory, Erika led off the Quackers with a wrist-jarring (we SAID it was COLD) single to the opposite field (i.e. over second base) that was followed by a Derek single. Coach Lyn, still with a sore shoulder, “struck out” on a foul ball and moped back to the bench. Mattie, unusually quiet (perhaps the Houston job DID go through?) listened to the words of Yoda and walked, which drove in Cheesie and the game was tied, just like that. Hopalong Courtney, sore foot and all, also took a walk, which juiced the sacks for Grogs/Sunshine/TheBigGaloot. Tyler did not disappoint (for once, ha!), Grogan Grunting™ a Christine’s plane-high fly to left that we THINK the left fielder got a glove on. Since he touched it, the “triple rule” did not apply, and the runners could take “all they can get.” Giraffe went into automatic home run Cadillac mode, but when the umpire was asked, “Is it a home run?” The Rule Upholder, The Arbiter, The Man Who Knows merely shrugged his shoulders in confusion, so everyone decided to scurry to the plate before his brain could boot up. The bases were now free of Ducks, but the inning continued with the late-arriving McDuff walking (a hint: next time if you’re late, don’t bother coming at all, as an oh-for-two coupled with a stand-like-a-statue-of Bob’s Big Boy-in-right (http://fastfoodies.org/vegetarian-fast-food/bobs-big-boy-statue/) and get-Heini-and-his-hat-mad-by-having-him-pinkboxed-for-four-innings most definitely wasn’t worth the price of admission) Heini, seeing this snub through the rip in time/space created by Christine last week, got McDuff back by forcing him at second. The crazed Timmay doinked a single and Heini scored when the throw to the infield was held for about a day in a half. Lyn was so shocked to see Heini home, she did a surprised “Oh hi!” as in “I wasn’t expecting to see you here at this point in time!” Ralph then went wayyyy opposite field, Brainguy creamed a double and after Kathy walked (back in the saddle: she walked twice), Eric ripped a single that took off the shortstop’s glove.
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Champs Bar (Factory) The Doors! - Part 2
11/25/2011
Cheesie, not wanting Coach to feel bad about her “foul strike out,” foul struck out herself (she didn’t sniff the pine tar all night) and the inning ended with the Ducks now ahead, 9-1.
The BarFs got three back in the third as with two outs and two on, Brainguy tried a shoestring catch in left and came up with a gloveful of his shoestrings (sans ball). Another run scored when a spinning knuckleball found it’s way past both Ralph and Eric like a weasel.
The Champs tried to answer, but didn’t realize at the time they had used up more than half their allotment of hits and walks in the previous inning. Big ‘D’ walked, Coach stuck out looking this time, Mattie flew out, Court got Derek home by reaching on an error and then T-Rex was sued by the Friends To Prevent Cruelty To Bases Society after one of his torpedoes registered a direct hit on third base (“You sunk my battleship!”). Luckily, no one was on the base at the time. Didn’t much matter, though as McDuff flied dully to left to strand Sunshine and Court (well, Lyn, Court’s runner but hey, doesn’t much matter!).
Bar Factory kept chipping away in this championship bout, this time scoring two runs on an assortment of hits and some of that old timey Dunce Defense the Ducks have made famous. Fortunately, Brainguy bailed out his numbskull mates by making a belly-flopping catch on a dying quail by the second base bag (stealing it from Kathy, no doubt).
With the lead cleaved to four, our heroes had to sandbag the dike, or at least make it snow on the poppies (the Oz reference if you’d rather). With two outs and Timmay on first, Brainguy and Eric sizzled some bacon-like singles up the middle to tally two and ratchet the lead back up to a half dozen.
Some fine pitching by Ralphie blanked the BarFs in the fifth, but the Ducks couldn’t take advantage and put up their own goose egg although Lyn made it interesting by floating a foul ball over the tall fence that was homing in on Kathy’s Joshua. Luckily, it just missed him, although no one had seen Kathy move that fast since Eric announced free tape jobs, first come, first served.
As the red sands flowed frightfully through the hourglass towards the game’s conclusion, both teams again matched wits with dueling zeroes in the sixth. Cheesie made a great hand stop on a bad throw to third saving her right ta-ta, and Kathy made a good grab on yet another dying quail to keep those persistent BarFers off the board.
The BarFs got three back in the third as with two outs and two on, Brainguy tried a shoestring catch in left and came up with a gloveful of his shoestrings (sans ball). Another run scored when a spinning knuckleball found it’s way past both Ralph and Eric like a weasel.
The Champs tried to answer, but didn’t realize at the time they had used up more than half their allotment of hits and walks in the previous inning. Big ‘D’ walked, Coach stuck out looking this time, Mattie flew out, Court got Derek home by reaching on an error and then T-Rex was sued by the Friends To Prevent Cruelty To Bases Society after one of his torpedoes registered a direct hit on third base (“You sunk my battleship!”). Luckily, no one was on the base at the time. Didn’t much matter, though as McDuff flied dully to left to strand Sunshine and Court (well, Lyn, Court’s runner but hey, doesn’t much matter!).
Bar Factory kept chipping away in this championship bout, this time scoring two runs on an assortment of hits and some of that old timey Dunce Defense the Ducks have made famous. Fortunately, Brainguy bailed out his numbskull mates by making a belly-flopping catch on a dying quail by the second base bag (stealing it from Kathy, no doubt).
With the lead cleaved to four, our heroes had to sandbag the dike, or at least make it snow on the poppies (the Oz reference if you’d rather). With two outs and Timmay on first, Brainguy and Eric sizzled some bacon-like singles up the middle to tally two and ratchet the lead back up to a half dozen.
Some fine pitching by Ralphie blanked the BarFs in the fifth, but the Ducks couldn’t take advantage and put up their own goose egg although Lyn made it interesting by floating a foul ball over the tall fence that was homing in on Kathy’s Joshua. Luckily, it just missed him, although no one had seen Kathy move that fast since Eric announced free tape jobs, first come, first served.
As the red sands flowed frightfully through the hourglass towards the game’s conclusion, both teams again matched wits with dueling zeroes in the sixth. Cheesie made a great hand stop on a bad throw to third saving her right ta-ta, and Kathy made a good grab on yet another dying quail to keep those persistent BarFers off the board.
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Champs Bar (Factory) The Doors! - Part 3
11/25/2011
The Ducks then showed to the world why the bottom of the order is at the bottom of the order, going out, out, hit, out for zero insurance runs.
The top of the seventh rolled in with the Ducks up 12 to 6. Bar Factory got two on almost immediately. Eric at short made a great play on a bad hop, travel-up-your-arm grounder to get a force at second (interesting that Tim groomed the first base line every inning but pretty much ignored the infield). Kay then threw home to try and get the runner at the plate (too late) but The Coach grabbed the throw and whistled a b.b. to third to get the advancing runner. Except the runner WASN’T advancing: she was already out on the force play at second and was returning to the bench. Hell, better to be safe than sorry we say and besides, at least she didn’t throw the ball away like some OTHER people we know (you know who you are).
One out, one on, another hit, more runners on base. Now it’s a four run lead. Ralph ALMOST walks a female but comes back to get her to pop out. A hit gets one more run in and the lead dissolves to three. Are any of the Ducks nervous? Au contraire. Most of them were secretly fuming about the lack of Lyn’s Famous Hot Chocolate on a chilly night like this and thought if the company spent less time advertising in the pocket schedules and spent more time making toasty drinks, well… Meanwhile, in the midst of all this gnashing of teeth, the right center and right fielders had turned into Lot’s Wife due to inactivity (or rusted Tin Men if you wanna keep the Oz allegory going). “Just wake us when the inning’s over,” they said, which Erika did after she caught a sinking liner for the final out and a 12 to 9 Duck triumph.
“Hey, where’d everybody go?? I was gonna do my first buttery shot!” cried McDuff as the Fine Feathered Finks hurried away without a whisper.
So the Champs have survived the Russian roulette part of the program and now advance to the semi-finals versus either (we can’t believe we’re saying this) Waxy O’Connors or Powermatic (the team Stabbin’ prayed they wouldn’t play in the summer of 2010, preferring the Ducks instead and we all saw how THAT worked out for ‘em). The games are scheduled (at this moment) for Tuesday night the 29th where games one and two of the best of three series will be played (got that Cheesie?). This goofy schedule is subject to change, meaning get ready to play on Christmas Eve starting at 6:30 (since the Patriots play at 1) or Christmas Day (if scheduler Tim is frightened the Patriots game might stretch deep into Christmas Eve). If indeed the Champs advance (“We damned well BETTER or no hot chocolate!” threatened Coach Lyn. “What hot chocolate?!?!?” shot back her sarcastic teammates) there is the distinct possibility of seeing Ralph skip his dart game, no wait, we meant to say a distinct possibility that the Lame Ducks will be playing December softball.
Look at it this way: One less month to wait for the summer season to start!
Bar Factory 1 0 3 2 0 0 3—9
Champs 0 9 1 2 0 0 x—12
The top of the seventh rolled in with the Ducks up 12 to 6. Bar Factory got two on almost immediately. Eric at short made a great play on a bad hop, travel-up-your-arm grounder to get a force at second (interesting that Tim groomed the first base line every inning but pretty much ignored the infield). Kay then threw home to try and get the runner at the plate (too late) but The Coach grabbed the throw and whistled a b.b. to third to get the advancing runner. Except the runner WASN’T advancing: she was already out on the force play at second and was returning to the bench. Hell, better to be safe than sorry we say and besides, at least she didn’t throw the ball away like some OTHER people we know (you know who you are).
One out, one on, another hit, more runners on base. Now it’s a four run lead. Ralph ALMOST walks a female but comes back to get her to pop out. A hit gets one more run in and the lead dissolves to three. Are any of the Ducks nervous? Au contraire. Most of them were secretly fuming about the lack of Lyn’s Famous Hot Chocolate on a chilly night like this and thought if the company spent less time advertising in the pocket schedules and spent more time making toasty drinks, well… Meanwhile, in the midst of all this gnashing of teeth, the right center and right fielders had turned into Lot’s Wife due to inactivity (or rusted Tin Men if you wanna keep the Oz allegory going). “Just wake us when the inning’s over,” they said, which Erika did after she caught a sinking liner for the final out and a 12 to 9 Duck triumph.
“Hey, where’d everybody go?? I was gonna do my first buttery shot!” cried McDuff as the Fine Feathered Finks hurried away without a whisper.
So the Champs have survived the Russian roulette part of the program and now advance to the semi-finals versus either (we can’t believe we’re saying this) Waxy O’Connors or Powermatic (the team Stabbin’ prayed they wouldn’t play in the summer of 2010, preferring the Ducks instead and we all saw how THAT worked out for ‘em). The games are scheduled (at this moment) for Tuesday night the 29th where games one and two of the best of three series will be played (got that Cheesie?). This goofy schedule is subject to change, meaning get ready to play on Christmas Eve starting at 6:30 (since the Patriots play at 1) or Christmas Day (if scheduler Tim is frightened the Patriots game might stretch deep into Christmas Eve). If indeed the Champs advance (“We damned well BETTER or no hot chocolate!” threatened Coach Lyn. “What hot chocolate?!?!?” shot back her sarcastic teammates) there is the distinct possibility of seeing Ralph skip his dart game, no wait, we meant to say a distinct possibility that the Lame Ducks will be playing December softball.
Look at it this way: One less month to wait for the summer season to start!
Bar Factory 1 0 3 2 0 0 3—9
Champs 0 9 1 2 0 0 x—12
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Champs Barricade Upper Deck - Part 1
11/15/2011
YMCA Stadium, Home Of The No Safe Place To Park Parking Area, Foxborough, MA—Proving to the world that they don’t need an eleven run inning to win a ballgame, Lyn’s Lame Ducks tightened their defensive screws, battened down the hatches and wore the correct Heini Hat, which added up to a feel-good muting of Neal and his cacophonous female ringers, 7 to 5.
“Sorry, we’re off to the Pic everybody,” explained Lyn, disappointing the swarm that had gathered in the hopes of seeing her final 2011 regular season “Gonna Go Pee In The Woods” Dance and knowing that her “Gonna Go Pee In The Ladies Room At The Piccadilly Pub” Tango isn’t worth the price of admission.
“Dang it! Sekond yeer in a row she deed that!” complained Neal.
Ahem.
This was the final tune-up before the “Every Team Makes It To The Playoffs” playoffs (wait, do we keep score for those games and hit off a tee and give a trophy to everyone? Jus’ wonderin’) and since the Ducks had a skeletal lock on first place, stupor mode was not out of the question.
Brainguy led off the first the same way he led off the last game, with a towering fly to the outfield that the left center fielder dropped. Christine, hotter than the melting point of tungsten (6170º F) lashed a hole in space/time with her single, scoring the Brain. Derek singled Christine to third and the eleven run inning was off and running…no, not really. Kathy, Mattie and One-Winged Coach played the wrong value of the ace instead, which meant the approaching 11 run lead would be just a one run lead (didn’t you guys learn ANYTHING in Vegas?).
In the bottom of the inning, Ralph got rid of that pesky no-hit feeling by giving up singles to the first two batters. A ground ball to Brainguy got the Ducks thinking “double play,” but The Brain, still feuding with Kathy, tried to tag out the chick runner between short and third. Unfortunately since Brainguy hasn’t had to chase after women for a while he forgot just how fast females can be. He missed the tag but was bailed out thanks to the rip in the fabric of space/time caused by Christine's at bat, and he was able to throw the ball THROUGH the runner to get the force at third. After another ground out, a shallow fly ball was lofted towards left field. Brainguy bolted out and Tyler bolted in. As a collision between these two atomic particles seemed imminent, with one of two things happening: Tyler catches the ball, Brainguy ducks, or the odds on favorite, Tyler makes the catch then guillotines The Brain with his razor-edged arm. What happened? Let’s just say the Demon Barber Of Fleet Street and scientists wondering if humans can still “think” and “see” seconds after losing their heads were VERY disappointed.
Stretch led off the second, minus his new “the sponsor gave me this free hat” hat but sporting a nice pair of spats on his cleats (yep, look it up youngin’s) and Grogan Grunted™ a double to the gap. The Spat-Man moved to third and was rescued from strandation when Heini singled with two outs. Sir Topham Hatt would score the Ducks second run of the inning thanks to Ralph and the Champs had a 3-0 lead.
“Sorry, we’re off to the Pic everybody,” explained Lyn, disappointing the swarm that had gathered in the hopes of seeing her final 2011 regular season “Gonna Go Pee In The Woods” Dance and knowing that her “Gonna Go Pee In The Ladies Room At The Piccadilly Pub” Tango isn’t worth the price of admission.
“Dang it! Sekond yeer in a row she deed that!” complained Neal.
Ahem.
This was the final tune-up before the “Every Team Makes It To The Playoffs” playoffs (wait, do we keep score for those games and hit off a tee and give a trophy to everyone? Jus’ wonderin’) and since the Ducks had a skeletal lock on first place, stupor mode was not out of the question.
Brainguy led off the first the same way he led off the last game, with a towering fly to the outfield that the left center fielder dropped. Christine, hotter than the melting point of tungsten (6170º F) lashed a hole in space/time with her single, scoring the Brain. Derek singled Christine to third and the eleven run inning was off and running…no, not really. Kathy, Mattie and One-Winged Coach played the wrong value of the ace instead, which meant the approaching 11 run lead would be just a one run lead (didn’t you guys learn ANYTHING in Vegas?).
In the bottom of the inning, Ralph got rid of that pesky no-hit feeling by giving up singles to the first two batters. A ground ball to Brainguy got the Ducks thinking “double play,” but The Brain, still feuding with Kathy, tried to tag out the chick runner between short and third. Unfortunately since Brainguy hasn’t had to chase after women for a while he forgot just how fast females can be. He missed the tag but was bailed out thanks to the rip in the fabric of space/time caused by Christine's at bat, and he was able to throw the ball THROUGH the runner to get the force at third. After another ground out, a shallow fly ball was lofted towards left field. Brainguy bolted out and Tyler bolted in. As a collision between these two atomic particles seemed imminent, with one of two things happening: Tyler catches the ball, Brainguy ducks, or the odds on favorite, Tyler makes the catch then guillotines The Brain with his razor-edged arm. What happened? Let’s just say the Demon Barber Of Fleet Street and scientists wondering if humans can still “think” and “see” seconds after losing their heads were VERY disappointed.
Stretch led off the second, minus his new “the sponsor gave me this free hat” hat but sporting a nice pair of spats on his cleats (yep, look it up youngin’s) and Grogan Grunted™ a double to the gap. The Spat-Man moved to third and was rescued from strandation when Heini singled with two outs. Sir Topham Hatt would score the Ducks second run of the inning thanks to Ralph and the Champs had a 3-0 lead.
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Champs Barricade Upper Deck - Part 2
11/15/2011
The Upper Deck offense mustered some hits and attempted to crack the Ducks ‘D’ (or the Ducks ‘D’ on crack if you insist). Two were on and two were out when a little pop was lofted in the direction of Courtney. Since the poor kid’s ankle was about as mobile as a cement truck making a three point turn on Lombard Street, the pop fell harmlessly foul, though Kathy gave a valiant effort to try to get to it. “Dammit!” thought Brainguy when he realized he could’ve easily stolen it from both Court and K. This second chance resulted in a single up the middle. As the runner rounded third with Coach Neal saying “Go on, take a chance,” Derek rifled a throw to the cut-off, Brainguy, who then made another ridiculously quick and accurate throw home where Lyn casually applied the tag for out number three. Good thing Timmay wasn’t out there, eh? Actually if he was, he could’ve taken notes (which he would’ve ignored anyway).
Mattie starred as the offensive goat in the third, getting called out for “stepping on the plate.” Funny thing is he busted his ass to first base and beat the throw but the umpire pronounced him “OUT!” and after the jackals on the bench raised a fuss, the ump claimed it was because Mattie was a total klutzy doofus and stepped on home (Mattie, of course, denies this, but hey, his son denied screwing with his fantasy football team and was caught in a lie. Must run in the family…).
The Upper Deckians broke through in the third, thanks in part to an error at third by the Non-Erika, so the score was 3 to 1 after three (“Come baaaaack, Sassy Notch!”).
We shall now skip past the dull fourth inning. You’re welcome.
The fifth dawned brightly with the Ducks getting their fourth run of the night and taking a 4-1 lead. But like an approaching pirate ship, a shadow lurked on the horizon and indeed; things went Mexico-south for the Ducks. A couple of hard hits got UD their second run, then the game was tied on a hit by of all people, Neal, as he singled up the middle. Mattie could’ve, had he been thinking it, probably thrown Neal out at first, but instead winged a wide throw home. Neal then crawled to second and Lyn, if she had been thinking it, probably could’ve thrown him out at second. The Upper Deck bench was alive with pleasure, jumping up and down at the now 4-4 game, but as the Aussies say “No worries mate” because Neal would get himself out on his own soon enough.
“Soon enough” happened to be the next play, as Heini deflected a grounder to Brainguy in the hole as short. He snagged it, and threw to Kathy to catch the fleet footed Neal off base. Kathy grudgingly thanked Brainguy for making his throw above the waist because there’s no telling what kind of toxic spill would’ve ensued had K had to tag Neal below the belt.
As much as this game “didn’t mean anything” in the grand cosmic standings, Coach Lyn, walking back to the bench amid the barking and hooting emanating from the psyched Deckers, said flatly “I don’t want to lose this game.”
Yes ma’m.
Mattie starred as the offensive goat in the third, getting called out for “stepping on the plate.” Funny thing is he busted his ass to first base and beat the throw but the umpire pronounced him “OUT!” and after the jackals on the bench raised a fuss, the ump claimed it was because Mattie was a total klutzy doofus and stepped on home (Mattie, of course, denies this, but hey, his son denied screwing with his fantasy football team and was caught in a lie. Must run in the family…).
The Upper Deckians broke through in the third, thanks in part to an error at third by the Non-Erika, so the score was 3 to 1 after three (“Come baaaaack, Sassy Notch!”).
We shall now skip past the dull fourth inning. You’re welcome.
The fifth dawned brightly with the Ducks getting their fourth run of the night and taking a 4-1 lead. But like an approaching pirate ship, a shadow lurked on the horizon and indeed; things went Mexico-south for the Ducks. A couple of hard hits got UD their second run, then the game was tied on a hit by of all people, Neal, as he singled up the middle. Mattie could’ve, had he been thinking it, probably thrown Neal out at first, but instead winged a wide throw home. Neal then crawled to second and Lyn, if she had been thinking it, probably could’ve thrown him out at second. The Upper Deck bench was alive with pleasure, jumping up and down at the now 4-4 game, but as the Aussies say “No worries mate” because Neal would get himself out on his own soon enough.
“Soon enough” happened to be the next play, as Heini deflected a grounder to Brainguy in the hole as short. He snagged it, and threw to Kathy to catch the fleet footed Neal off base. Kathy grudgingly thanked Brainguy for making his throw above the waist because there’s no telling what kind of toxic spill would’ve ensued had K had to tag Neal below the belt.
As much as this game “didn’t mean anything” in the grand cosmic standings, Coach Lyn, walking back to the bench amid the barking and hooting emanating from the psyched Deckers, said flatly “I don’t want to lose this game.”
Yes ma’m.
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Champs Barricade Upper Deck - Part 3
11/15/2011
The Champs took the lead for good in the sixth, with Derek launching a double and Kathy burning the bumbling outfielders with a double of her own. After Brainguy let out a raven “CAW!” from the bench, Mattie (“The Raven”) cranked the third double up on the slot machine to give Our Heroes a 6-4 lead. The inning ended quickly after that, with Lyn popping to first (“At least they’re getting shallower”—Brainguy), Tyler welding the third baseman’s mitt to his hand with a sizzling out, and Courtney chipping to third.
The Duck defense held in the sixth, thanks in part to Heini “allowing” Kathy to catch a pop fly on “her” side of second base (Brainguy sez “Brownnoser!”).
A Quacker insurance run crossed the plate in the seventh with Heini scoring on a Brainguy triple. Ralph decided to hit a new car with his foul ball down the first base line. If the driver had any sense at all, he would’ve put down the drivers side back window and the ball would’ve fell harmlessly on the back seat (and we think it might’ve been ruled an “out.” Never know with that ump).
As the noisy Upper Deckers did their “HITS!” chant (although we THOUGHT we heard someone replacing the first “H” with a “T”) the Champs dug in. After the first out, a Perv hit a liner to Tyler’s left. If he wasn’t busy checking for business deals on his smart phone, he might’ve had it, but instead let it roll into the woods for a triple (Ump: “That’s a triple” Runner: “What does that mean?” McDuff: “It means you get to third base, stupid.”). A single scored the run to cut the Duck lead to 2, but now there were two outs. Ralphie gave up another single, and then went to 3 and 1 on Neal. As the Former Coach In Another Lifetime stepped out to adjust his truss, Ralph threw ball four but it didn’t count (haw!). He got the count to 3 and 2 and then when releasing the last pitch said “Let’s drink” or something like that, meaning STRIKE OUT, but Neal grounded to Brainguy instead. He gloved it, acted as if he was going to run to the bag himself but shoveled the ball to a rather surprised Kathy at the last minute. This guaranteed to keep their Hatfield/McCoy feud going.
And Lyn’s reward for coaching the Ducks to first place? No bye in the playoffs, and a rather greasy handshake from Neal. Lyn had a look on her face like she just dipped her hand in an unknown, fetid, dripping gross substance. Mercifully, McDuff happened to have some Hand Sanitizer in the car, and may have just saved himself from being given his unconditional release (or seven inning in a row graybox).
So it’s playoff time again, with the Champs in the glorious position of having to defend their Frostbite title. Hey, what else would you rather be doing, jumping out of a plane??
Oops, sorry Christine.
Champs 1 2 0 0 1 2 1—7
Upper Dorkians 0 0 1 0 3 0 1—5
The Duck defense held in the sixth, thanks in part to Heini “allowing” Kathy to catch a pop fly on “her” side of second base (Brainguy sez “Brownnoser!”).
A Quacker insurance run crossed the plate in the seventh with Heini scoring on a Brainguy triple. Ralph decided to hit a new car with his foul ball down the first base line. If the driver had any sense at all, he would’ve put down the drivers side back window and the ball would’ve fell harmlessly on the back seat (and we think it might’ve been ruled an “out.” Never know with that ump).
As the noisy Upper Deckers did their “HITS!” chant (although we THOUGHT we heard someone replacing the first “H” with a “T”) the Champs dug in. After the first out, a Perv hit a liner to Tyler’s left. If he wasn’t busy checking for business deals on his smart phone, he might’ve had it, but instead let it roll into the woods for a triple (Ump: “That’s a triple” Runner: “What does that mean?” McDuff: “It means you get to third base, stupid.”). A single scored the run to cut the Duck lead to 2, but now there were two outs. Ralphie gave up another single, and then went to 3 and 1 on Neal. As the Former Coach In Another Lifetime stepped out to adjust his truss, Ralph threw ball four but it didn’t count (haw!). He got the count to 3 and 2 and then when releasing the last pitch said “Let’s drink” or something like that, meaning STRIKE OUT, but Neal grounded to Brainguy instead. He gloved it, acted as if he was going to run to the bag himself but shoveled the ball to a rather surprised Kathy at the last minute. This guaranteed to keep their Hatfield/McCoy feud going.
And Lyn’s reward for coaching the Ducks to first place? No bye in the playoffs, and a rather greasy handshake from Neal. Lyn had a look on her face like she just dipped her hand in an unknown, fetid, dripping gross substance. Mercifully, McDuff happened to have some Hand Sanitizer in the car, and may have just saved himself from being given his unconditional release (or seven inning in a row graybox).
So it’s playoff time again, with the Champs in the glorious position of having to defend their Frostbite title. Hey, what else would you rather be doing, jumping out of a plane??
Oops, sorry Christine.
Champs 1 2 0 0 1 2 1—7
Upper Dorkians 0 0 1 0 3 0 1—5
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Champs Get Their Swagger Back: Smack Around Powermatic - Part 1
11/14/2011
YMCA Stadium, Home Of The Best Lighting In The World When It’s A Sunny Day Foxborough, MA—After Tuesday night’s loaded diaper of a game, the pundits thought that the defending Frostbite Champs were taking on water and would sink themselves out of first place for the first time in 14 months.
But as Larry Bird once said, “They’ve got a better chance of seein’ God.”
Lyn’s Lame Ducks responded to their first loss in over a year by spinning up their magnetized turbines, and turning the memory of that stinkeroo into a high-voltage power surge that blew out the glass fuses of second place Powermatic, 19 to 8.
“Glilx, splix, gaaah!” was Coach Lyn’s only comment as she was too busy talking baby talk to her visiting niece Sophie to bother wasting time on us (smart move on her part).
This was a much anticipated-game, not only because the Ducks were playing the team right behind them in the standings, but also because the last time Lyn’s Flock lost a regular season game they crashed out of first place and into the Black Centrifuge of Death. Only pulling off an improbable triple-header sweep got them out of that lethal spiral.
Although it was a glorious spring day (What? It’s autumn? We’re going the other way? Dammit!), the game started off a bit murky for our heroes. After Ralph disposed of his no-hitter by giving up a single to the first batter of the game, he tried to start a double play on the next one, but threw a little wide of E at second, who then made a complicated Texas two-step samba type move in order to hold the bag for the force out. Even though Dancing Judge Paula was impressed, the umpire obviously wasn’t because he called the runner “safe.” This put a bad taste in the Ducks beaks especially when the next hitter singled and the really-out-but-called-safe runner scored. Run number two came across the plate when Tyler’s throw home skimmed the event horizon of a black hole and ended up becoming a curving bulls eye through the bench area fence. If you gave Sunshine $25 grand to do it again, he’d, well, have a better chance of seeing God.
Down 2-0, everyone waited on broken glass, empty water bottles and metal bleachers to see how the Duck offense would react. In their wildest dreams they never thought it would go supernova.
Brainguy, thrilled to get Ralph’s bat back, skied a fly to the chickie in left center, who was kind enough to drop it. She was to become the poster child of the phrase “opening up the flood gates,” as 11 of the next 12 Ducks reached base. Christine singled to right, E doubled to Ms. Flood Gate, Erika reached on an error, Derek doubled, Kathy (not walked for once) also doubled, Tyler tripled to the gap as the outfielders, who usually play back to the Great Wall Of China for him, didn’t, Lyn walked, McDuff singled, Heini made out number one, Timmay walked, Ralphie doubled and well, it was pretty much game over. The Ducks scorebook looked like a black diamond totem pole as everyone but poor Heini scored and the Quackers found themselves in possession of an eleven run first inning. And unlike the Champs who bit and clawed back after getting slapped with a ten run inning in the last game, the boys and girls from Powermatic would have no such fight as the Ducks poured a 25 ounce chocolate egg cream right into their hard drives.
Inning two didn’t do much for either team (except Cheesie padding her batting average but not her bra) so the score remained 11 to 2.
But as Larry Bird once said, “They’ve got a better chance of seein’ God.”
Lyn’s Lame Ducks responded to their first loss in over a year by spinning up their magnetized turbines, and turning the memory of that stinkeroo into a high-voltage power surge that blew out the glass fuses of second place Powermatic, 19 to 8.
“Glilx, splix, gaaah!” was Coach Lyn’s only comment as she was too busy talking baby talk to her visiting niece Sophie to bother wasting time on us (smart move on her part).
This was a much anticipated-game, not only because the Ducks were playing the team right behind them in the standings, but also because the last time Lyn’s Flock lost a regular season game they crashed out of first place and into the Black Centrifuge of Death. Only pulling off an improbable triple-header sweep got them out of that lethal spiral.
Although it was a glorious spring day (What? It’s autumn? We’re going the other way? Dammit!), the game started off a bit murky for our heroes. After Ralph disposed of his no-hitter by giving up a single to the first batter of the game, he tried to start a double play on the next one, but threw a little wide of E at second, who then made a complicated Texas two-step samba type move in order to hold the bag for the force out. Even though Dancing Judge Paula was impressed, the umpire obviously wasn’t because he called the runner “safe.” This put a bad taste in the Ducks beaks especially when the next hitter singled and the really-out-but-called-safe runner scored. Run number two came across the plate when Tyler’s throw home skimmed the event horizon of a black hole and ended up becoming a curving bulls eye through the bench area fence. If you gave Sunshine $25 grand to do it again, he’d, well, have a better chance of seeing God.
Down 2-0, everyone waited on broken glass, empty water bottles and metal bleachers to see how the Duck offense would react. In their wildest dreams they never thought it would go supernova.
Brainguy, thrilled to get Ralph’s bat back, skied a fly to the chickie in left center, who was kind enough to drop it. She was to become the poster child of the phrase “opening up the flood gates,” as 11 of the next 12 Ducks reached base. Christine singled to right, E doubled to Ms. Flood Gate, Erika reached on an error, Derek doubled, Kathy (not walked for once) also doubled, Tyler tripled to the gap as the outfielders, who usually play back to the Great Wall Of China for him, didn’t, Lyn walked, McDuff singled, Heini made out number one, Timmay walked, Ralphie doubled and well, it was pretty much game over. The Ducks scorebook looked like a black diamond totem pole as everyone but poor Heini scored and the Quackers found themselves in possession of an eleven run first inning. And unlike the Champs who bit and clawed back after getting slapped with a ten run inning in the last game, the boys and girls from Powermatic would have no such fight as the Ducks poured a 25 ounce chocolate egg cream right into their hard drives.
Inning two didn’t do much for either team (except Cheesie padding her batting average but not her bra) so the score remained 11 to 2.
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Champs Get Their Swagger Back: Smack Around Powermatic - Part 2
11/14/2011
The teams traded runs in the third, with Tyler screwing up the Mayan calendar by taking a walk, then scoring on a silly fielders choice by McDuff.
Powermatic looked positively mediocre in the fourth; Brainguy irritated Kathy by “stealing” an infield fly from her, but luckily they “made up” and turned a hoop-de-doo double play to end the rather quick inning. Although the Ducks offense slid into buttery shot cruise mode after their eleven run first, they still kept Powermatic at bay by tiddly-winking in a few runs here and there. Timmay led off the inning with one of his crazed, copywritten doubles, and after Ralph grounded to the heavy metal man on the mound, Brainguy went opposite field (to right, not a Cheesie “opposite field”) to drive Tim in. E sac flied to left to plate The Brain, then Cheesie ripped such a screaming rocket over third that even the pitcher let out a dumbfounded “Jeez!” Unfortunately for Sassy Notch and the Ducks, she was seduced then abandoned on first but the Quackers had turned their lead up to 11.
Meanwhile, Heini had taken over as the del facto Defensive Bench Coach and was directing Lyn’s Flock to and fro like the softball version of Winston Churchill. Lyn thought that this was best deal in her entire coaching life. “It’s all yours suckers!!” she yelled, grabbing niece Sophie and sprinting towards the jungle gym.
The fifth inning opened with the whole Duck team wandering over to the play area to make goofy faces at Sophie because Timmy decided to be selfish and make all the putouts by himself. The Champs offense then pretty much mercied their opponent in the fifth, as Special K led off with a single, and The Big Galoot, trading in his Skybolt jet fighters (they’re F-7s, people, GET IT?) singled to center. In the confusion, Powermatic threw the ball to second base, but only the invisible man was there so the ball rolled merrily into no person’s land. We were too busy playing with Joshua and his trucks to know what happened next, but when we looked again, Stretch was trotting across the plate (Speaking of T-Rex, we’ll tell you this tidbit: We had a little dream about this team the night before and the unrecognizable male coach of the team had Tyler BUNTING with runners on first and second [it’s a dream remember? It’s not supposed to make any sense!]. As he failed on his second attempt [well, THAT makes sense] we YELLED at Stretch to swing away, telling him that even his fly outs would be deep enough to get the runners over. Why the heck can’t we ever dream of flying the Space Shuttle??). Meanwhile, back in the real world, the one filled with war, poverty and cheese pizzas, wounded wing Lyn swung using the Charley Lau method and singled, but Her Highness was forced by the silly McDuff on a fielders choice. Heini and Timmay singled to score McDuff, and then Timmay got out of sorts when he was called out on a force at second. Timmay read the ump the riot act, even though the man in blue seemed pretty much deaf to anything, including correct calls. The only thing wounded was Timmay’s pride as the Ducks led 17 to 3.
Powermatic looked positively mediocre in the fourth; Brainguy irritated Kathy by “stealing” an infield fly from her, but luckily they “made up” and turned a hoop-de-doo double play to end the rather quick inning. Although the Ducks offense slid into buttery shot cruise mode after their eleven run first, they still kept Powermatic at bay by tiddly-winking in a few runs here and there. Timmay led off the inning with one of his crazed, copywritten doubles, and after Ralph grounded to the heavy metal man on the mound, Brainguy went opposite field (to right, not a Cheesie “opposite field”) to drive Tim in. E sac flied to left to plate The Brain, then Cheesie ripped such a screaming rocket over third that even the pitcher let out a dumbfounded “Jeez!” Unfortunately for Sassy Notch and the Ducks, she was seduced then abandoned on first but the Quackers had turned their lead up to 11.
Meanwhile, Heini had taken over as the del facto Defensive Bench Coach and was directing Lyn’s Flock to and fro like the softball version of Winston Churchill. Lyn thought that this was best deal in her entire coaching life. “It’s all yours suckers!!” she yelled, grabbing niece Sophie and sprinting towards the jungle gym.
The fifth inning opened with the whole Duck team wandering over to the play area to make goofy faces at Sophie because Timmy decided to be selfish and make all the putouts by himself. The Champs offense then pretty much mercied their opponent in the fifth, as Special K led off with a single, and The Big Galoot, trading in his Skybolt jet fighters (they’re F-7s, people, GET IT?) singled to center. In the confusion, Powermatic threw the ball to second base, but only the invisible man was there so the ball rolled merrily into no person’s land. We were too busy playing with Joshua and his trucks to know what happened next, but when we looked again, Stretch was trotting across the plate (Speaking of T-Rex, we’ll tell you this tidbit: We had a little dream about this team the night before and the unrecognizable male coach of the team had Tyler BUNTING with runners on first and second [it’s a dream remember? It’s not supposed to make any sense!]. As he failed on his second attempt [well, THAT makes sense] we YELLED at Stretch to swing away, telling him that even his fly outs would be deep enough to get the runners over. Why the heck can’t we ever dream of flying the Space Shuttle??). Meanwhile, back in the real world, the one filled with war, poverty and cheese pizzas, wounded wing Lyn swung using the Charley Lau method and singled, but Her Highness was forced by the silly McDuff on a fielders choice. Heini and Timmay singled to score McDuff, and then Timmay got out of sorts when he was called out on a force at second. Timmay read the ump the riot act, even though the man in blue seemed pretty much deaf to anything, including correct calls. The only thing wounded was Timmay’s pride as the Ducks led 17 to 3.
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Champs Get Their Swagger Back: Smack Around Powermatic - Part 3
11/14/2011
Defense Coach Heini then relieved Ralph of his pitching duties in the sixth putting in McDuff who instantly gave up three straight hits. Thanks to a nice double play in the middle, Powermatic managed only two runs out of this garbage disposal of an inning. The Duck offense got moving again with two outs in the sixth, getting two runners on. Brainguy then appeared in the third base coaching area, telling McDuff that he no longer could coach the Sacred Third Base because he’d been excommunicated. Kiev told the Brain he was pretty sure he could still coach third as long as he wasn’t defrocked. While this dogmatic discussion was going on, Kathy, again not walking, smacked a single, and Cheesie came motoring towards third. As The North Adams Farm Girl rounded the bag and saw no one in the coaching “box” only two idiots leaning against the fence, she yelled, “Should I go?” McDuff said “No” at the same time Brainguy said “Sure!” She scored without a throw (Golly I guess McDuff WAS excommunicated!).
Derek would also cross the plate (Brainguy sez “It’s not gonna be close but you still have to hurry”) to keep it a 14 run Duck lead after six.
The seventh inning only proved beyond the shadow of a doubt that Ralph should be on the (wait, in softball it’s not a “mound” it’s not a “hill” so what do we say? Oh right it’s a) pitcher’s plate when he’s not out poking people’s eyes out on the dart, um, court, while McDuff on the other hand should be shoveling toxic waste somewhere. Meester Doofus gave up more hits in his two innings of work than Ralph gave up all game. “Those fielders HATE ME!” complained the much-maligned tosser. He would’ve had a point if any of the hits he had given up could’ve been reached by someone not wearing a solid steel HAZMAT suit. Despite McDuff, the Ducks managed to “hang on” for the 19 to 8 win (and as an aside, since Mattie was the only Duck who was at the Dirty Diaper Debacle and not for this win, he has been chosen as the Official Scapegoat for that awful loss. Tell your wife and kids THAT!).
The Ducks now have one regularly scheduled game left in 2011, and no matter what they do against Neal’s Pervs, the Champs are guaranteed their fourth first place finish of the decade. The only issue at this point is what will the playoff roster look like. Coach Lyn is off to the docs today for her wounded wing and who knows what else, Court still has a balky ankle, Christine will be among the missing, Brainguy and E have cranky joints, Giraffe will probably be working as a bouncer in Albuquerque and Ralph will undoubtedly have a cricket tournament. The Champs may have to get a limo to pick up Paula and Sophie to bring their good luck to the playoffs.
Then again, with rain in the forecast and many make up games still to be played, the Ducks may be perfectly healthy by the time the playoffs REALLY start. We’ll just have to see how well they play in the snow.
Powermatic 2 0 1 0 0 2 3—8
Champs (11) 0 1 2 3 2 x—19
Derek would also cross the plate (Brainguy sez “It’s not gonna be close but you still have to hurry”) to keep it a 14 run Duck lead after six.
The seventh inning only proved beyond the shadow of a doubt that Ralph should be on the (wait, in softball it’s not a “mound” it’s not a “hill” so what do we say? Oh right it’s a) pitcher’s plate when he’s not out poking people’s eyes out on the dart, um, court, while McDuff on the other hand should be shoveling toxic waste somewhere. Meester Doofus gave up more hits in his two innings of work than Ralph gave up all game. “Those fielders HATE ME!” complained the much-maligned tosser. He would’ve had a point if any of the hits he had given up could’ve been reached by someone not wearing a solid steel HAZMAT suit. Despite McDuff, the Ducks managed to “hang on” for the 19 to 8 win (and as an aside, since Mattie was the only Duck who was at the Dirty Diaper Debacle and not for this win, he has been chosen as the Official Scapegoat for that awful loss. Tell your wife and kids THAT!).
The Ducks now have one regularly scheduled game left in 2011, and no matter what they do against Neal’s Pervs, the Champs are guaranteed their fourth first place finish of the decade. The only issue at this point is what will the playoff roster look like. Coach Lyn is off to the docs today for her wounded wing and who knows what else, Court still has a balky ankle, Christine will be among the missing, Brainguy and E have cranky joints, Giraffe will probably be working as a bouncer in Albuquerque and Ralph will undoubtedly have a cricket tournament. The Champs may have to get a limo to pick up Paula and Sophie to bring their good luck to the playoffs.
Then again, with rain in the forecast and many make up games still to be played, the Ducks may be perfectly healthy by the time the playoffs REALLY start. We’ll just have to see how well they play in the snow.
Powermatic 2 0 1 0 0 2 3—8
Champs (11) 0 1 2 3 2 x—19
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Streak Over: Champs Plucked By Red Wings - Part 1
11/10/2011
YMCA Stadium Home Of The We Didn't Even Noticed The Lights Were Off Lighting System, Foxborough, MA--For the first time in the 2011 regular season, Lyn’s Lame Ducks tasted the ashes of defeat, getting their tables bussed by the blabby cooks and order takers from the mighty Red Wing Diner, 14 to 12.
“Well, I got naked for nothing,” was Coach Lyn’s middle-of-the-game comment that couldn’t even elicit a clever response from her usually gutter-minded Ducks.
This game was actually over in the first inning, as our Fine Feathered Finks looked as though they came for an early game, got it canceled due to a power outage, started their after game festivities, got told the eight o’clock game would be played and hung around schmoozing for ninety minutes in the approaching cold.
Which is of course, exactly what happened.
Folks we just can’t tell you how awful the opening frame was for our heroes. If you look up the word “ugly” in the dictionary, you’d find “Ducks First Inning Versus Red Wing Diner” listed. It was like waking up the morning of your first prom with your face looking like Quasimodo. It was bad enough to make several runaway trains take a dirt road on a rainy night. Heck this was the first time the Ducks had given up a ten run inning since August 10th of last year.
Yep, friends, it was that bad.
So with that preamble out of the way, it’s time for the autopsy. This may not be suitable for young children. Or you, Ralphie.
The little Ducks ran out onto the field, all happy to get to the business of softball. The Diner opened with a couple of hits. Then an out. Then the Ducks got stuck like the starship Voyager on a interspatial sand dune. A couple of errors, some positively horrible pitches (three guesses who was throwing and the first two don’t count), a few clunkers here and there, more hits, more boots and the Champs were collapsing like the newly deceased Joe Frazier against George (PRE-grill) Foreman (http://www.hark.com/clips/wspcywglfn-down-goes-frazier). The Ducks were hoping that the “aircraft carrier” sized asteroid that was zooming past planet Earth at that very moment would decide to change course and put them out of their misery. The little rag-tag team finally got the last out and moped off the field.
But hey, a ten run lead in the first is a good thing…well, a good thing that it happened in the first, as that gave the Ducks a whole seven innings to catch up!! Although the Champs were confident they could do that, they failed to realize that their aircraft hanger had been sabotaged and was loaded with only Skybolt fighter jets (the export version [look it up!]). Brainguy led off the Duck first with a fly to center and fell to his knees, weeping over the fact that he didn’t have the use of Ralph’s temperature-controlled bat (Gee, Brainguy, did you usually use Ralph’s GLOVE too? Snap!). Christine and E got the Big Rally going with a couple of singles, but then Erika and Derek popped out to the Red Wing left fielder who was very good but got more obnoxious and mouthy with every catch (and trust us, he made A LOT of them).
“Well, I got naked for nothing,” was Coach Lyn’s middle-of-the-game comment that couldn’t even elicit a clever response from her usually gutter-minded Ducks.
This game was actually over in the first inning, as our Fine Feathered Finks looked as though they came for an early game, got it canceled due to a power outage, started their after game festivities, got told the eight o’clock game would be played and hung around schmoozing for ninety minutes in the approaching cold.
Which is of course, exactly what happened.
Folks we just can’t tell you how awful the opening frame was for our heroes. If you look up the word “ugly” in the dictionary, you’d find “Ducks First Inning Versus Red Wing Diner” listed. It was like waking up the morning of your first prom with your face looking like Quasimodo. It was bad enough to make several runaway trains take a dirt road on a rainy night. Heck this was the first time the Ducks had given up a ten run inning since August 10th of last year.
Yep, friends, it was that bad.
So with that preamble out of the way, it’s time for the autopsy. This may not be suitable for young children. Or you, Ralphie.
The little Ducks ran out onto the field, all happy to get to the business of softball. The Diner opened with a couple of hits. Then an out. Then the Ducks got stuck like the starship Voyager on a interspatial sand dune. A couple of errors, some positively horrible pitches (three guesses who was throwing and the first two don’t count), a few clunkers here and there, more hits, more boots and the Champs were collapsing like the newly deceased Joe Frazier against George (PRE-grill) Foreman (http://www.hark.com/clips/wspcywglfn-down-goes-frazier). The Ducks were hoping that the “aircraft carrier” sized asteroid that was zooming past planet Earth at that very moment would decide to change course and put them out of their misery. The little rag-tag team finally got the last out and moped off the field.
But hey, a ten run lead in the first is a good thing…well, a good thing that it happened in the first, as that gave the Ducks a whole seven innings to catch up!! Although the Champs were confident they could do that, they failed to realize that their aircraft hanger had been sabotaged and was loaded with only Skybolt fighter jets (the export version [look it up!]). Brainguy led off the Duck first with a fly to center and fell to his knees, weeping over the fact that he didn’t have the use of Ralph’s temperature-controlled bat (Gee, Brainguy, did you usually use Ralph’s GLOVE too? Snap!). Christine and E got the Big Rally going with a couple of singles, but then Erika and Derek popped out to the Red Wing left fielder who was very good but got more obnoxious and mouthy with every catch (and trust us, he made A LOT of them).
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Streak Over: Champs Plucked By Red Wings - Part 2
11/10/2011
Whatever hemlock the Ducks drank in the first, must’ve left their systems via either Technicolor yawn or Montezuma’s Revenge as the Red Wings would do diddly squat the rest of the night. The wingers did manage to get another run thanks to a fly to center and the subsequent Quacker throw that bounded around the infield like a pinball.
The Champs finally did something other than nothing in the second, with a walk to Kathy (her first of three), a Mattie single and a walk to a sore shouldered Coach Lyn, the night’s sacrificial lamb (Either Court or Lyn had to play and both are technically on the DL). Lyn stuck out her butt and batted her eyes and almost got to walk to first on three balls, but the rulebook wouldn’t change for her (Hey rulebook, what about that illegal Red Wing bat? Aw, never mind), so she had to come back. Didn’t much matter as the Red Wing pitcher was so flustered, he walked her anyway. The inning then missed the hairpin turn and flew over the cliff bursting into flames as it plunged into the ravine, with a Tyler F-7, a McDuff 5-3 and a Heini F-6 (Note to Mr. Heinlein: go back to the OLD Heini Hat). After two, it was a miserable 11 to 2.
The Wings finally got shut out in the third, and the Duck offense was set to get to work…until Timmay stuck out looking to open the frame. Two outs later, Christine singled and E doubled but they were stranded by Cheesie, who was cast in the role of the inning’s Gilligan.
Inning four was a bore. Zip for the Wings, and droppings from the Ducks although things started promisingly enough. Two walks got runners on second and third, but they may as well have been birdbaths for all the moving they’d be doing. With one out, Poor Coach decided she had enough “standing around, sticking my butt out for a walk” and cowtailed a ball foul down the right field line. The Wings right fielder was kind enough to retrieve Lyn’s shoulder, it was taped back into place by a wide-eyed Eric and then Lyn’s brain decided to take over and made sure she didn’t swing again (strike three).
The fifth inning saw the Ducks go behind by the magic ten runs again frustrating the living tar out of everyone.
This finally kickstarted the Champs into SOME sort of action. Two singles sandwiched two errors and life was beginning to flow back into the feathery corpse. Cheesie then lined a single to the opposite field (i.e. up the middle for her), just to prove to the Wings shortstop that he shouldn’t be playing the Duck chicks like, well, chicks (two feet from the infield grass). Derek lined a pea through the box and Kathy took another stroll to first. Mattie rocketed a shot to left that was inexplicably caught for an official Sac Fly and Lambie Lyn AGAIN swung and grounded a hot shot to the second baseperson, who snagged it as if she were the greatest player in the known universe. Six runs and one VERY sore shoulder later, it was a 12 to 8 game.
The Champs finally did something other than nothing in the second, with a walk to Kathy (her first of three), a Mattie single and a walk to a sore shouldered Coach Lyn, the night’s sacrificial lamb (Either Court or Lyn had to play and both are technically on the DL). Lyn stuck out her butt and batted her eyes and almost got to walk to first on three balls, but the rulebook wouldn’t change for her (Hey rulebook, what about that illegal Red Wing bat? Aw, never mind), so she had to come back. Didn’t much matter as the Red Wing pitcher was so flustered, he walked her anyway. The inning then missed the hairpin turn and flew over the cliff bursting into flames as it plunged into the ravine, with a Tyler F-7, a McDuff 5-3 and a Heini F-6 (Note to Mr. Heinlein: go back to the OLD Heini Hat). After two, it was a miserable 11 to 2.
The Wings finally got shut out in the third, and the Duck offense was set to get to work…until Timmay stuck out looking to open the frame. Two outs later, Christine singled and E doubled but they were stranded by Cheesie, who was cast in the role of the inning’s Gilligan.
Inning four was a bore. Zip for the Wings, and droppings from the Ducks although things started promisingly enough. Two walks got runners on second and third, but they may as well have been birdbaths for all the moving they’d be doing. With one out, Poor Coach decided she had enough “standing around, sticking my butt out for a walk” and cowtailed a ball foul down the right field line. The Wings right fielder was kind enough to retrieve Lyn’s shoulder, it was taped back into place by a wide-eyed Eric and then Lyn’s brain decided to take over and made sure she didn’t swing again (strike three).
The fifth inning saw the Ducks go behind by the magic ten runs again frustrating the living tar out of everyone.
This finally kickstarted the Champs into SOME sort of action. Two singles sandwiched two errors and life was beginning to flow back into the feathery corpse. Cheesie then lined a single to the opposite field (i.e. up the middle for her), just to prove to the Wings shortstop that he shouldn’t be playing the Duck chicks like, well, chicks (two feet from the infield grass). Derek lined a pea through the box and Kathy took another stroll to first. Mattie rocketed a shot to left that was inexplicably caught for an official Sac Fly and Lambie Lyn AGAIN swung and grounded a hot shot to the second baseperson, who snagged it as if she were the greatest player in the known universe. Six runs and one VERY sore shoulder later, it was a 12 to 8 game.
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Streak Over: Champs Plucked By Red Wings - Part 3
11/10/2011
Showing his typical colors in the sixth, McDuff walked a shapely female (Comon now! How can you NOT walk a girl they call “Soda”? What does McDuff bring to EVERY game to drink? We rest our case) then decided one person on base wasn’t enough, so he gave up a single. A booming triple to left center scored two important runs (although we’re sure if Bobby were out there he would’ve…turned it into a home run). With the runner on third, there was a grounder to Eric, who threw to first base with aplomb. Christine then turned and lofted a throw home as time froze this tableau: Coach, catching with her bad wing, and a full speed male aiming at her. Visions of her Las Vegas collision were being replayed in the brains of the folks who saw it firsthand and now it looked as if Lyn would be plowed over and add her other shoulder to the injured list. Coach stood her ground…towards the back of the plate (hey, she’s tough but she’s not stupid) and the runner slid, came up short, bounced, somersaulted and arrived face to face with Lyn who sweetly tagged him out (but not on his boy parts). She’s SUCH a STAH!
The Duck offense, however, proved to be more of a SHOOTING star; They just couldn’t seem to get into any sort of disco groove (more like a disco inferno if you ask us). They’d come in from the field, pound their bats on the bleachers, snort the pine tar rag, bluster “Come on!”s and “Let’s Go!”s, proceed to get runners on base, jump around like insane kangaroos and then immediately lose interest, sort of like your kids in the backseat after the first five minutes of a five hour trip (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=raNM0UvR_Bo).
Still the little monkeys tried. In the sixth McDuff walked with one out, Heini followed with a single and after an annoying fielders choice turning the out total to two, Brainguy doubled, Christine, E and Erika all singled to plate three runs (while researching this story after the game, our crack scorebook staff [or is it our scorebook staff on crack?] discovered that poor Courtney was so bored she actually missed McDuff scoring from second, so it was four runs, not three). So the bases were jammed for Derek. He lofted a lonnnng, foul fly to left…which the left fielder caught like a stupid head and tumbled like a jerkwad, happy as a pig rolling in it’s own feces.
Yep, it was that kind of night.
To make things even MORE annoying, Mr. Left Field got the first two put outs of the Duck seventh, ‘til Lyn blew caution to the wind (and what was left of her shoulder) and swung the bat, getting a single for her troubles. Giraffe then ended the undignified night by flying out to Mr. Annoying. The Ducks milled around in a different, unbeaten world, and had to wait for the other team to start the "stupid after game handshake line," which annoyed Lyn's Flock even more.
Expletive.
Hey, you know what they say: “Losing Builds Character,” and “It’s Not Whether You Win or Lose but How You Play The Game.” This is a load of dingo’s kidneys, as in reality, “Winning isn’t Everything, It’s the ONLY thing.”
As long as you’re having FUN.
And last night game WASN’T fun.
Now it’s on to a Saturday matinee with a watered down roster against Powermatic, who may be tied with Our Beloved Ducks for first place. A win will more than likely give the Quackers home field throughout the Thanksgiving weekend playoffs (come on, you KNOW that will happen!).
Here’s hoping the Champs don’t submit a turkey.
Red Wings (10) 1 0 0 1 2 0—14
Champs 0 2 0 0 6 4 0—12
The Duck offense, however, proved to be more of a SHOOTING star; They just couldn’t seem to get into any sort of disco groove (more like a disco inferno if you ask us). They’d come in from the field, pound their bats on the bleachers, snort the pine tar rag, bluster “Come on!”s and “Let’s Go!”s, proceed to get runners on base, jump around like insane kangaroos and then immediately lose interest, sort of like your kids in the backseat after the first five minutes of a five hour trip (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=raNM0UvR_Bo).
Still the little monkeys tried. In the sixth McDuff walked with one out, Heini followed with a single and after an annoying fielders choice turning the out total to two, Brainguy doubled, Christine, E and Erika all singled to plate three runs (while researching this story after the game, our crack scorebook staff [or is it our scorebook staff on crack?] discovered that poor Courtney was so bored she actually missed McDuff scoring from second, so it was four runs, not three). So the bases were jammed for Derek. He lofted a lonnnng, foul fly to left…which the left fielder caught like a stupid head and tumbled like a jerkwad, happy as a pig rolling in it’s own feces.
Yep, it was that kind of night.
To make things even MORE annoying, Mr. Left Field got the first two put outs of the Duck seventh, ‘til Lyn blew caution to the wind (and what was left of her shoulder) and swung the bat, getting a single for her troubles. Giraffe then ended the undignified night by flying out to Mr. Annoying. The Ducks milled around in a different, unbeaten world, and had to wait for the other team to start the "stupid after game handshake line," which annoyed Lyn's Flock even more.
Expletive.
Hey, you know what they say: “Losing Builds Character,” and “It’s Not Whether You Win or Lose but How You Play The Game.” This is a load of dingo’s kidneys, as in reality, “Winning isn’t Everything, It’s the ONLY thing.”
As long as you’re having FUN.
And last night game WASN’T fun.
Now it’s on to a Saturday matinee with a watered down roster against Powermatic, who may be tied with Our Beloved Ducks for first place. A win will more than likely give the Quackers home field throughout the Thanksgiving weekend playoffs (come on, you KNOW that will happen!).
Here’s hoping the Champs don’t submit a turkey.
Red Wings (10) 1 0 0 1 2 0—14
Champs 0 2 0 0 6 4 0—12
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Champs Polish Off Sterling - Part 1
11/04/2011
YMCA Stadium Home Of The Warning Track Made Of Snow, Foxborough MA—In what was anticipated to be a tough game, playing a 6 and 1 opponent with only ten little Duckies cleared to play, instead turned out to be an evening stroll as The Champs ambled past Sterling Equipment, 19 to 5.
“Wow, grayboxing is worse than I thought!” exclaimed Coach Lyn after having to sit out the entire game due to shoulder injury. There are conflicting reports on how she got the injury, with some eyewitnesses claiming she did it by slamming back too many buttery shots, while others claiming that they saw both Lyn and Courtney hoochie-ing out of their Vegas hot tub and taking an immodest tumble. This last story is the one most of the news outlets have gone with since Courtney was also among the lame last night.
Lyn, irritated at missing another game, geared into full coaching mode by reading the line up aloud and her goofy Ducks geared into full stooge mode by totally ignoring her.
And so, the game began.
The Sterling folks plated two runs in the first and were feeling pretty good about themselves. Why they “felt good” was cause for debate because two of their females struck out looking, Timmy JUST missed a great catch and if certain Ducks yelled “Home!” instead of “Second!” at The Mysterious Dave on that play, Sterling’s scoring chick would’ve been thrown out by eight billion feet. Don’t know about y’all but that’s not exactly what WE’D call a “feel good” inning, but we suppose ANY kind of lead on the Champs is considered a “good” one.
As the Duck offense sprinted to the bat rack, Coach Lyn, remembering the Achilles heel of this team, implored her stooges to be patient at the plate. Unfortunately for Our Leader, she was wasting a good little talk because just finding a pitch to hit was like trying to find a Justin Bieber fan in a nursing home.
It didn’t take long for this truth to become self evident, as the first three Ducks walked on nine straight pitches and cut the Sterling lead in half. Cheesie and Mattie each got a pitch to hit (“Hmph, lucky THEM!” grumped Dave and Derek), and hit it they did, erasing the two run deficit like a ‘today’s the last day of school’ blackboard. Courtney then lost the next pitch in the planet Jupiter (it was high enough) and popped out, but Timmay came back with a, surprise! walk and Kathy mashed a single. Another walk, a double by Dave and Christine’s second walk of the inning loaded the bases for Derek, but he decided that grounding into a force play was what he was born to do, so the Ducks grudgingly accepted his purpose and “settled” for a 7 to 2 lead.
The Mysterious Dave was making first basechick Courtney say “Eric and Brainguy WHO?” by lofting some gentle throws over her way and setting Sterling down 1-2-3.
The Champs got it cranking up again in the second, although using the word “cranking” while getting two walks and an error just doesn’t seem right. Anyway, that is how the inning started. Timmay and Kathy then singled in the three previous batters, but the two-of-a-kind singles got trumped by a rather irritating three-of-a-kind hand of fielders choices, so the inning went off the rails and the Ducks once again “settled” for a 10 to 2 lead.
Sterling’s offense staged a goose egg encore in the third, this time with plays by Dave, Ralph and McDuff, who was stuck manning the swamps and snowbanks in right.
The Ducks also stuck up a big fat zeeero as for the first inning of the night, they were issued NO walks. The poor Waterfowl were shocked into submission.
Since the “boys” had all the put outs in inning three, the chicks figured it was time to flex their muscles in frame four, with Cheesie snaring a grounder at third, Christine basket-catching a pop behind the plate, and Kathy making a tough over-the-shoulder catch on a little fly that if Eric were playing short, would’ve stolen from her.
“Wow, grayboxing is worse than I thought!” exclaimed Coach Lyn after having to sit out the entire game due to shoulder injury. There are conflicting reports on how she got the injury, with some eyewitnesses claiming she did it by slamming back too many buttery shots, while others claiming that they saw both Lyn and Courtney hoochie-ing out of their Vegas hot tub and taking an immodest tumble. This last story is the one most of the news outlets have gone with since Courtney was also among the lame last night.
Lyn, irritated at missing another game, geared into full coaching mode by reading the line up aloud and her goofy Ducks geared into full stooge mode by totally ignoring her.
And so, the game began.
The Sterling folks plated two runs in the first and were feeling pretty good about themselves. Why they “felt good” was cause for debate because two of their females struck out looking, Timmy JUST missed a great catch and if certain Ducks yelled “Home!” instead of “Second!” at The Mysterious Dave on that play, Sterling’s scoring chick would’ve been thrown out by eight billion feet. Don’t know about y’all but that’s not exactly what WE’D call a “feel good” inning, but we suppose ANY kind of lead on the Champs is considered a “good” one.
As the Duck offense sprinted to the bat rack, Coach Lyn, remembering the Achilles heel of this team, implored her stooges to be patient at the plate. Unfortunately for Our Leader, she was wasting a good little talk because just finding a pitch to hit was like trying to find a Justin Bieber fan in a nursing home.
It didn’t take long for this truth to become self evident, as the first three Ducks walked on nine straight pitches and cut the Sterling lead in half. Cheesie and Mattie each got a pitch to hit (“Hmph, lucky THEM!” grumped Dave and Derek), and hit it they did, erasing the two run deficit like a ‘today’s the last day of school’ blackboard. Courtney then lost the next pitch in the planet Jupiter (it was high enough) and popped out, but Timmay came back with a, surprise! walk and Kathy mashed a single. Another walk, a double by Dave and Christine’s second walk of the inning loaded the bases for Derek, but he decided that grounding into a force play was what he was born to do, so the Ducks grudgingly accepted his purpose and “settled” for a 7 to 2 lead.
The Mysterious Dave was making first basechick Courtney say “Eric and Brainguy WHO?” by lofting some gentle throws over her way and setting Sterling down 1-2-3.
The Champs got it cranking up again in the second, although using the word “cranking” while getting two walks and an error just doesn’t seem right. Anyway, that is how the inning started. Timmay and Kathy then singled in the three previous batters, but the two-of-a-kind singles got trumped by a rather irritating three-of-a-kind hand of fielders choices, so the inning went off the rails and the Ducks once again “settled” for a 10 to 2 lead.
Sterling’s offense staged a goose egg encore in the third, this time with plays by Dave, Ralph and McDuff, who was stuck manning the swamps and snowbanks in right.
The Ducks also stuck up a big fat zeeero as for the first inning of the night, they were issued NO walks. The poor Waterfowl were shocked into submission.
Since the “boys” had all the put outs in inning three, the chicks figured it was time to flex their muscles in frame four, with Cheesie snaring a grounder at third, Christine basket-catching a pop behind the plate, and Kathy making a tough over-the-shoulder catch on a little fly that if Eric were playing short, would’ve stolen from her.
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Champs Polish Off Sterling - Part 2
11/04/2011
The Quackers kept the scoring going and were helped by the fact that throughout the game, they had more runners on base then vermin in a hoarder’s double wide. Walk Potion Number Nine was issued after a line out, then Ralph singled to the opposite field (no one paid any attention to his butt). Dave got the run home on a fielder’s choice, Christine got her third walk of the game, Derek reached on an error then Cheesie rifled a shot to HER opposite field (and people WERE paying attention to HER butt). The Ducks got the bases loaded again, thanks in part to a blown call on Derek at third (who was tagged OUT but called safe) but it didn’t matter in the end as young Timmay became rally killer, hitting into yet another Duck special, the fielder’s choice. The Ducks enjoyed a leisurely 15 to 2 lead (Tyler WHO?).
In the fifth, Sterling finally mustered together some hits and got three runs for their troubles, even though it felt like they had scored 11. Nope, nice try. Nights in the cold, mud and snow will give you that illusion.
The Ducks got two of those back on a Dave home run. Ralph had singled in front of him and was pretty much limping home with Dave pulling a Timmay, staying RIGHT on Ralph’s hindquarters yelling “Comon Ralph! Comon Ralph!!!” Dave managed to let Ralph cross the plate first, although we’re sure if Grumpy Ump were there, he would’ve called Ralph out for some made up reason.
Dave would figure into the defense in the next inning as he and Kathy turned a double play that spectators swore was done in slow motion thanks to a rift in the time/space continuum. Meanwhile, the train wreck that was the Ducks right fielder (it’s where you hide the bad players, remember?) finally derailed and dropped a towering fly ball that would’ve easily been caught by the Duck lads, Drew, Luke and Joshua. Dave managed to bail McDuff’s butt out of the inning by mailing a groundout to Court.
After two quick outs in the Duck sixth, one coming on a Mattie “tomahawk” swing as Umpire Tim called “illegal” too late for Mr. Urban’s taste (which was the middle of his swing). Mattie was rather vocal about that fact, knowing that his kids were embarrassed by his line out to third (“Daddy, WHY did you make an out?” “Ask your mother!”). Courtney was issued the 13th and final walk of the night then Timmay smashed a double, and pinch runner Erika scored all the way from first, laughing all the way down the third base line as she figured Timmay was right up her trumpet (he wasn’t…but lord knows he thought about it). Kathy would single in the last Quacker run of the night and Dave fittingly would be the guy who made the final ground out with the, all together now, bases loaded.
Sterling was put out of it’s grumpy misery (their third baseman was quite annoyed at all the walking and the one bad call and what not), with Christine letting a pop up drop, but then getting the force at third, Mattie catching a fly in right center then zoning out like a man who took a swig from the Hades river Lethe (look it up!!) and Timmay making a grand running catch to end it to put the 19 to 5 final score in the books and run the Duck unbeaten streak to 7.
Now it’s a double header on Tuesday night (assuming there’s no snow/rain/solar flares) and we’re pretty sure Coach Lyn will be velcroed to the bench again.
“I wish I were STILL in Vegas, baby,” she said with a sigh.
We do too…so we can HURT the guy who ruined your shoulder!
Sterling 2 0 0 0 3 0 0—5
Champs 7 3 1 4 2 2 x—19
In the fifth, Sterling finally mustered together some hits and got three runs for their troubles, even though it felt like they had scored 11. Nope, nice try. Nights in the cold, mud and snow will give you that illusion.
The Ducks got two of those back on a Dave home run. Ralph had singled in front of him and was pretty much limping home with Dave pulling a Timmay, staying RIGHT on Ralph’s hindquarters yelling “Comon Ralph! Comon Ralph!!!” Dave managed to let Ralph cross the plate first, although we’re sure if Grumpy Ump were there, he would’ve called Ralph out for some made up reason.
Dave would figure into the defense in the next inning as he and Kathy turned a double play that spectators swore was done in slow motion thanks to a rift in the time/space continuum. Meanwhile, the train wreck that was the Ducks right fielder (it’s where you hide the bad players, remember?) finally derailed and dropped a towering fly ball that would’ve easily been caught by the Duck lads, Drew, Luke and Joshua. Dave managed to bail McDuff’s butt out of the inning by mailing a groundout to Court.
After two quick outs in the Duck sixth, one coming on a Mattie “tomahawk” swing as Umpire Tim called “illegal” too late for Mr. Urban’s taste (which was the middle of his swing). Mattie was rather vocal about that fact, knowing that his kids were embarrassed by his line out to third (“Daddy, WHY did you make an out?” “Ask your mother!”). Courtney was issued the 13th and final walk of the night then Timmay smashed a double, and pinch runner Erika scored all the way from first, laughing all the way down the third base line as she figured Timmay was right up her trumpet (he wasn’t…but lord knows he thought about it). Kathy would single in the last Quacker run of the night and Dave fittingly would be the guy who made the final ground out with the, all together now, bases loaded.
Sterling was put out of it’s grumpy misery (their third baseman was quite annoyed at all the walking and the one bad call and what not), with Christine letting a pop up drop, but then getting the force at third, Mattie catching a fly in right center then zoning out like a man who took a swig from the Hades river Lethe (look it up!!) and Timmay making a grand running catch to end it to put the 19 to 5 final score in the books and run the Duck unbeaten streak to 7.
Now it’s a double header on Tuesday night (assuming there’s no snow/rain/solar flares) and we’re pretty sure Coach Lyn will be velcroed to the bench again.
“I wish I were STILL in Vegas, baby,” she said with a sigh.
We do too…so we can HURT the guy who ruined your shoulder!
Sterling 2 0 0 0 3 0 0—5
Champs 7 3 1 4 2 2 x—19
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Champs All Aces On Vegas Night - Part 1
10/19/2011
YMCA Stadium, Home Of The Right Field Rock, Foxborough MA--The Champs sent Coach Lyn to her rendezvous with the glittering desert city of Las Vegas a very happy ducky by running their record to 6 and 0 with an 11-6 win over Waxy O’Connors, preceded by a depth-charged obliteration of Team Sea Bass, 31-5.
“Vegas, yeaaaah!” was Coach’s only one-track mind, post-games comment.
“Shake that moneymaker baby…just not in Vegas; They’ll think you’re a hooker!” warned her travelin’ partner Courtney, right in front of Mattie’s Luke and Drew.
Right on, hoochie girl.
Game one was the dog of the evening (that’s an insult to Heini’s Bella, sorry) while game two against Waxy’s turned out to be strangely competitive. It didn’t look like the same team the Champs pulverized during the summer but then again, this was played after a game that made even the most hardy softball watching soul stare off into space and drool uncontrollably so who knows?
“Vegas, baby,” reminded Coach Lyn.
Right-o everybody, onto the games.
Game One Versus Sea Bass
In the 6:30 contest, the Champs baited, hooked, landed, beheaded, eviscerated, scaled, deboned, filleted, spiced, smoked, and dined on the defense-challenged Sea Bass.
“Vegas, yeaaaah!” was Coach’s only one-track mind, post-games comment.
“Shake that moneymaker baby…just not in Vegas; They’ll think you’re a hooker!” warned her travelin’ partner Courtney, right in front of Mattie’s Luke and Drew.
Right on, hoochie girl.
Game one was the dog of the evening (that’s an insult to Heini’s Bella, sorry) while game two against Waxy’s turned out to be strangely competitive. It didn’t look like the same team the Champs pulverized during the summer but then again, this was played after a game that made even the most hardy softball watching soul stare off into space and drool uncontrollably so who knows?
“Vegas, baby,” reminded Coach Lyn.
Right-o everybody, onto the games.
Game One Versus Sea Bass
In the 6:30 contest, the Champs baited, hooked, landed, beheaded, eviscerated, scaled, deboned, filleted, spiced, smoked, and dined on the defense-challenged Sea Bass.
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Champs All Aces On Vegas Night - Part 2
10/19/2011
Why these second division teams insist on spotting the Champs a five run lead (SB had only 3 chicks) and play nine in the field (again, only 3 chicks) is something we’ve never been able to figure out. But seriously folks, Sea Bass could’ve played with THIRTEEN in the field and it wouldn’t have made a whit of difference.
This game was not as close at the score indicated (31-5). Heck, this contest turned out to be Wooly Mammoth versus La Brea Tar Pit, the human Steel Kelly versus the robot Maynard Flash (look it up!), a skydiving Christine with a school kid’s backpack versus gravity, a mountain biker versus an antelope, yeah, okay, well you get the idea. It got so bad that not only did the team want to sneak out during intermission, but also Brainguy and E were SO bored they sacrificed their batting averages by trying to make OUTS during the final, excruciating innings. Oddly, Brainguy tried to make an out in the fifth but was rewarded with a single anyways. The Sea Bass defense (WAS there one??) was as porous as a colander made out of Swiss cheese. Although the official scorebook shows the Fish committing only one error, we’re sure at least a third of the Duck’s 29 hits could’ve easily been deemed errors had the fielders touched the fly/ground balls hit right at ‘em.
Eleven Ducks marched up to the plate in the first and six of them scored on a Whitman’s Assortment of walks, singles, an error and an E “inside the park” home run.
Brainguy took matters into his own hands at short, shutting down the Sea Bassists (“I LOVE his throws!” cooed first baseperson Courtney) in their first at bat.
The Duck offense piecemealed three more runs together in the second (Eric: “Sh*t, I’m up AGAIN?!?!?!”), starring a single by Brainguy, triples by said E and Derek, and a run scoring single by Hoochie. This pushed the Duck lead to 14 to 0.
Sea Bass started their comeback in the bottom of the second because the Duck’s Defensive Circus arrived (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dBqNlTudqkQ)! Booted balls! Bad throws! Bad catches! The only legitimate hit was a Tyler-esque shot that, if not for the tall pines in left center, might still be orbiting the Earth. After the arborist declared the tree a lost cause, the Duck lead was cut to 11.
Inning three: The two ‘K’s single, Timmay singles, then chases McDuff home like a tiger after a hippopotamus on a Ralphie triple. Brainguy, not making outs yet, tripled and scored on Coach’s first hit of the evening. Like a thief in the night, the Champs put up five runs before Sea Bass even knew what valuables were missing. Add to that a load of Bass caviar (their version of a ‘goose egg,’ children. Geez, do we have to explain EVERYTHING?) and the score was 19 to 3.
On to the fourth: Triple, walk, single, home run, double…whew. Brainguy and E sky some balls to the outfield which the defense finally decides to catch, Cheesie, still asleep at the switch makes the third out and it’s 24 to 3.
Top fifth: Triple, single, single, single, double, single, triple, triple (Ralph says he made it a triple because he didn’t know how far ahead the Ducks were [26 runs]), single. Lyn then grounds into a 6-4-3 double play and Cheesie ends the carnage striking out looking. She was too distracted by comparing notes on doctors both her and Heini know. We’re sure her alter ego, Sassy Notch would’ve preferred PLAYING doctor, but we digress.
In the bottom of the fifth, the Duck defense hit the snooze button giving the Bass two more useless runs (Mattie was predicting 19 hits in a row…which would’ve been a tall order since Sea Bass probably hasn’t had 19 hits total this season), the Geneva Convention was invoked and the game’s put out of it’s misery. The final, 31 to 5 (woof). After the game, an art dealer bought the Ducks black diamond-sprinkled score sheet, claiming it was a “lost Picasso” done during his “black, white and blue period.”
Game One
Champs (+5) 6 3 5 5 7—31
Sea Bass 0 3 0 2 0—5
This game was not as close at the score indicated (31-5). Heck, this contest turned out to be Wooly Mammoth versus La Brea Tar Pit, the human Steel Kelly versus the robot Maynard Flash (look it up!), a skydiving Christine with a school kid’s backpack versus gravity, a mountain biker versus an antelope, yeah, okay, well you get the idea. It got so bad that not only did the team want to sneak out during intermission, but also Brainguy and E were SO bored they sacrificed their batting averages by trying to make OUTS during the final, excruciating innings. Oddly, Brainguy tried to make an out in the fifth but was rewarded with a single anyways. The Sea Bass defense (WAS there one??) was as porous as a colander made out of Swiss cheese. Although the official scorebook shows the Fish committing only one error, we’re sure at least a third of the Duck’s 29 hits could’ve easily been deemed errors had the fielders touched the fly/ground balls hit right at ‘em.
Eleven Ducks marched up to the plate in the first and six of them scored on a Whitman’s Assortment of walks, singles, an error and an E “inside the park” home run.
Brainguy took matters into his own hands at short, shutting down the Sea Bassists (“I LOVE his throws!” cooed first baseperson Courtney) in their first at bat.
The Duck offense piecemealed three more runs together in the second (Eric: “Sh*t, I’m up AGAIN?!?!?!”), starring a single by Brainguy, triples by said E and Derek, and a run scoring single by Hoochie. This pushed the Duck lead to 14 to 0.
Sea Bass started their comeback in the bottom of the second because the Duck’s Defensive Circus arrived (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dBqNlTudqkQ)! Booted balls! Bad throws! Bad catches! The only legitimate hit was a Tyler-esque shot that, if not for the tall pines in left center, might still be orbiting the Earth. After the arborist declared the tree a lost cause, the Duck lead was cut to 11.
Inning three: The two ‘K’s single, Timmay singles, then chases McDuff home like a tiger after a hippopotamus on a Ralphie triple. Brainguy, not making outs yet, tripled and scored on Coach’s first hit of the evening. Like a thief in the night, the Champs put up five runs before Sea Bass even knew what valuables were missing. Add to that a load of Bass caviar (their version of a ‘goose egg,’ children. Geez, do we have to explain EVERYTHING?) and the score was 19 to 3.
On to the fourth: Triple, walk, single, home run, double…whew. Brainguy and E sky some balls to the outfield which the defense finally decides to catch, Cheesie, still asleep at the switch makes the third out and it’s 24 to 3.
Top fifth: Triple, single, single, single, double, single, triple, triple (Ralph says he made it a triple because he didn’t know how far ahead the Ducks were [26 runs]), single. Lyn then grounds into a 6-4-3 double play and Cheesie ends the carnage striking out looking. She was too distracted by comparing notes on doctors both her and Heini know. We’re sure her alter ego, Sassy Notch would’ve preferred PLAYING doctor, but we digress.
In the bottom of the fifth, the Duck defense hit the snooze button giving the Bass two more useless runs (Mattie was predicting 19 hits in a row…which would’ve been a tall order since Sea Bass probably hasn’t had 19 hits total this season), the Geneva Convention was invoked and the game’s put out of it’s misery. The final, 31 to 5 (woof). After the game, an art dealer bought the Ducks black diamond-sprinkled score sheet, claiming it was a “lost Picasso” done during his “black, white and blue period.”
Game One
Champs (+5) 6 3 5 5 7—31
Sea Bass 0 3 0 2 0—5
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Champs All Aces On Vegas Night - Part 3
10/19/2011
Game Two Versus Waxy O’Connor’s
Waxy’s kept Our Heroes on their toes…just not right away.
A nice catch by Brainguy in Right Center (banished there after excelling at short in game one) helped shut out WC in the first.
The Ducks offense, still high on pine tar, limped one run across, thanks to a Brainguy turning-this-single-into-a-double double and a few Waxy errors. Eric still thought he was supposed to be making outs, so he did. Cheesie hit a fly to left, that was caught…and dropped as poor Lyn trotted back to first and subsequently got forced at second (Brainguy to Lyn: “You gotta GET there!” Lyn to Brainguy: “(Patented Look That Could Kill).”). It was 1-0 after one.
Waxy’s was bleeding all over the ball in the second, but a called third strike on a bewildered O’Connor male kept their tally to a single run.
It looked as if the Duck offense was still zombied-out in the second, with a Mattie single sandwiched by two outs. But doing what good teams are supposed to do, the Champs got to work. McDuff singled, with Mattie taking third then scoring on a Heini Hit (minus the famous Heini Hat). Timmay brutally kicked second base on his double, Brainguy abused the left fielder that overran his skyball and Coach Vegas then singled in the Brain. The Ducks loaded the bases but Derek grounded into a force at third, with the tag being applied to a hustling E (Brainguy to E: “You gotta GET there!” E to Brainguy: “(Maniacal laugh).” The Lame Ducks scored five, all coming when two were out, to boost their lead to 6-1.
Waxy’s kept Our Heroes on their toes…just not right away.
A nice catch by Brainguy in Right Center (banished there after excelling at short in game one) helped shut out WC in the first.
The Ducks offense, still high on pine tar, limped one run across, thanks to a Brainguy turning-this-single-into-a-double double and a few Waxy errors. Eric still thought he was supposed to be making outs, so he did. Cheesie hit a fly to left, that was caught…and dropped as poor Lyn trotted back to first and subsequently got forced at second (Brainguy to Lyn: “You gotta GET there!” Lyn to Brainguy: “(Patented Look That Could Kill).”). It was 1-0 after one.
Waxy’s was bleeding all over the ball in the second, but a called third strike on a bewildered O’Connor male kept their tally to a single run.
It looked as if the Duck offense was still zombied-out in the second, with a Mattie single sandwiched by two outs. But doing what good teams are supposed to do, the Champs got to work. McDuff singled, with Mattie taking third then scoring on a Heini Hit (minus the famous Heini Hat). Timmay brutally kicked second base on his double, Brainguy abused the left fielder that overran his skyball and Coach Vegas then singled in the Brain. The Ducks loaded the bases but Derek grounded into a force at third, with the tag being applied to a hustling E (Brainguy to E: “You gotta GET there!” E to Brainguy: “(Maniacal laugh).” The Lame Ducks scored five, all coming when two were out, to boost their lead to 6-1.
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Champs All Aces On Vegas Night - Part 4
10/19/2011
Coach got involved on the defensive end of things in the third. First, a cue ball line drive that sank faster than every male’s heart the day she got married, saw Whiz Kid Columbia drop to her knees (and the ball) voicing an unsteady “Oooop!” in the process. Someone then yelled “E’s coming, get down” which made her hunker down and crack up to no end. Lyn made good on her other play, however, a bounding cactus ball to her left, which kept The Tipsies off the scoreboard. The sleepwalking Ducks, dreaming of the after game gathering at The Trunk, didn’t bother to score either, so the game moved on to the fourth. Waxy’s got closer scoring a pair of runs, thanks in part to Timmay’s wild throw home, which he air mailed to the top, the TOP mind you, of the backstop (the ultimate cutoff man). Mercifully, Waxy’s were scared for their heads and avoided hitting the ball to the outfield the rest of the inning (speaking of the outfield, right field was definitely the place where you put your worst fielder as there was ONE chance out there all night long).
The Ducks managed to squeak across a run in their half of the inning (sort of like the squeak coach made on that line drive!), as Timmay doubled (now a certified madman with his new batting stance!) and scored on a baccarat shot by Vegas-Bound Lyn.
Waxy’s ordered up two more drinks, sorry, we meant to say RUNS in the fifth, probably because of some idiotic defensive lapses since we KNOW for a FACT that it couldn’t be the awful PITCHING. This reduced the Champs lead to a measly two runs (“Okay, double down, dealer,” said an obviously worried Coach).
Knowing who was pitching (McDuff) and knowing that there were enough cute girls on Waxy’s so that a two run lead was NOT safe, the Champs injected some much needed botox into their sagging offense. Li’l E, dressed all in stealth cat black, singled but was immediately forced at second by caveman Derek. Vegas-bound Courtney then roulette-wheeled a double past the bewildered Waxy outfield, scoring Dallas. Mattie, with a sleeping child in his van and Brainguy yelling “Go Raven!” got Court home with a ringing double of his own. The Ducks then plated and served their last two runs of the inning AGAIN when two were out to take a wee bit more comfortable, 11 to 5 lead.
The Quackers tried for more runs in the sixth but their finely crafted plans crumbled to dust when Derek, hitting a certified friggin’ hard line drive with two on, got robbed by the third baseman. Big D broke down and wept bitterly. So entering the last, when-the-hell-do-we-get-to-VEGAS inning, the Ducks remained up by six.
McDuff pitched himself into a fine mess (with no help from Sassy Notch at third), as Waxy’s had the bases juiced with a shapely female at the plate. McDuff came this close to walking the little pixie, with two of his pitches bouncing off of the plate and directly into Coach’s, um, bristols. But he got scared at what he might hit on Lyn on the next pitch so he smartened up…and gave up a single to Waxygirl instead. But Eric saved his bacon, spearing the final ground ball of the game, shoveling it to Katherine at second for the force out and the Honey Badgers had a sweet (heh) victory.
Later at The Trunk, the Duck men seemed overly curious as to how Lyn stopped those pitches hitting off the plate. The Coach downed a shot, gave the men a wry grin, winked and explained, “Vegas, baby.”
Honey Badgers indeed.
Game Two
Waxy’s 0 1 0 2 2 0 1—6
Champs 1 5 0 1 4 0 x—11
The Ducks managed to squeak across a run in their half of the inning (sort of like the squeak coach made on that line drive!), as Timmay doubled (now a certified madman with his new batting stance!) and scored on a baccarat shot by Vegas-Bound Lyn.
Waxy’s ordered up two more drinks, sorry, we meant to say RUNS in the fifth, probably because of some idiotic defensive lapses since we KNOW for a FACT that it couldn’t be the awful PITCHING. This reduced the Champs lead to a measly two runs (“Okay, double down, dealer,” said an obviously worried Coach).
Knowing who was pitching (McDuff) and knowing that there were enough cute girls on Waxy’s so that a two run lead was NOT safe, the Champs injected some much needed botox into their sagging offense. Li’l E, dressed all in stealth cat black, singled but was immediately forced at second by caveman Derek. Vegas-bound Courtney then roulette-wheeled a double past the bewildered Waxy outfield, scoring Dallas. Mattie, with a sleeping child in his van and Brainguy yelling “Go Raven!” got Court home with a ringing double of his own. The Ducks then plated and served their last two runs of the inning AGAIN when two were out to take a wee bit more comfortable, 11 to 5 lead.
The Quackers tried for more runs in the sixth but their finely crafted plans crumbled to dust when Derek, hitting a certified friggin’ hard line drive with two on, got robbed by the third baseman. Big D broke down and wept bitterly. So entering the last, when-the-hell-do-we-get-to-VEGAS inning, the Ducks remained up by six.
McDuff pitched himself into a fine mess (with no help from Sassy Notch at third), as Waxy’s had the bases juiced with a shapely female at the plate. McDuff came this close to walking the little pixie, with two of his pitches bouncing off of the plate and directly into Coach’s, um, bristols. But he got scared at what he might hit on Lyn on the next pitch so he smartened up…and gave up a single to Waxygirl instead. But Eric saved his bacon, spearing the final ground ball of the game, shoveling it to Katherine at second for the force out and the Honey Badgers had a sweet (heh) victory.
Later at The Trunk, the Duck men seemed overly curious as to how Lyn stopped those pitches hitting off the plate. The Coach downed a shot, gave the men a wry grin, winked and explained, “Vegas, baby.”
Honey Badgers indeed.
Game Two
Waxy’s 0 1 0 2 2 0 1—6
Champs 1 5 0 1 4 0 x—11
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Champs Turn It On Versus Team Off - Part 1
10/12/2011
YMCA Stadium, Where Timmay Is Weeding The 1st Base Coach’s Box, One Plant At A Time Foxborough, MA—Lyn’s Lame Ducks continued to be the Charles Atlas of the YMCA softball beach, (the earliest LOOK IT UP! ever: http://www.britannica.com/bps/media-view/76368/1/0/0) kicking sand in the face of yet another ninety-seven pound weakling of a team, this time burying Team Off in a 23 to 7 Doctor Kevorkian special.
“Let’s see, sudoku book, crossword puzzles, War and Peace by Tolstoy, Pocket Monopoly, The Gutenberg Bible,” droned Coach Lyn as she recited her list of things she was bringing to keep herself busy on her upcoming flight to Vegas.
“Nah, just sleep from takeoff to touchdown,” suggested Brainguy, “Much less to pack that way.”
He was, naturally, ignored.
There was no ignoring this game, however, (or the fact that the Yankees got booted out of the playoffs, giggle) and no one had to call on Professor Marvel and his crystal ball to predict the outcome (his horse’s name? Sylvester).
Sigh okay; let’s get on with it.
The Ducks looked as if they were going to put the game away in the very first inning, stringing together four straight hits. Brainguy led off with one of his patented “I’m turning this single into a double but I ain’t sliding” doubles followed by a walk to Our Coach Lyn then a “clobbering time” shot to the gap by E. Brainguy held at second just in case, Lyn bolted from first, her hair flowing in the screaming wind and the race was on. The Brain managed to score just in front of Lyn, but he had to put on his afterburners to do it (“Pant” was BG’s only comment). Erika singled home E to bring in run number three and then the wheels fell off.
Derek flew out to left center, and then Courtney hit a bounder to short. Erika, morphing into her alter ego, Sassy Notch, decided for some odd reason to try for third. She got stuck in a pickle jar and ruined her knee sliding into the non-forgiving infield. When asked why in the heck she ran, she said that she didn’t think the other team was “smart enough” to figure out how to play the rundown.
That’s our Sassy.
“Let’s see, sudoku book, crossword puzzles, War and Peace by Tolstoy, Pocket Monopoly, The Gutenberg Bible,” droned Coach Lyn as she recited her list of things she was bringing to keep herself busy on her upcoming flight to Vegas.
“Nah, just sleep from takeoff to touchdown,” suggested Brainguy, “Much less to pack that way.”
He was, naturally, ignored.
There was no ignoring this game, however, (or the fact that the Yankees got booted out of the playoffs, giggle) and no one had to call on Professor Marvel and his crystal ball to predict the outcome (his horse’s name? Sylvester).
Sigh okay; let’s get on with it.
The Ducks looked as if they were going to put the game away in the very first inning, stringing together four straight hits. Brainguy led off with one of his patented “I’m turning this single into a double but I ain’t sliding” doubles followed by a walk to Our Coach Lyn then a “clobbering time” shot to the gap by E. Brainguy held at second just in case, Lyn bolted from first, her hair flowing in the screaming wind and the race was on. The Brain managed to score just in front of Lyn, but he had to put on his afterburners to do it (“Pant” was BG’s only comment). Erika singled home E to bring in run number three and then the wheels fell off.
Derek flew out to left center, and then Courtney hit a bounder to short. Erika, morphing into her alter ego, Sassy Notch, decided for some odd reason to try for third. She got stuck in a pickle jar and ruined her knee sliding into the non-forgiving infield. When asked why in the heck she ran, she said that she didn’t think the other team was “smart enough” to figure out how to play the rundown.
That’s our Sassy.
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Champs Turn It On Versus Team Off - Part 2
10/12/2011
In their half of the inning, Team Off almost went 1, 2, 3, but didn’t, thanks to Timmay. The Boy ran a long way to track down a flyball to the puppet stage, but he must’ve stepped on a poodle or sumptin’ as there was an odd bleat as he dropped the ball. The Official Scorer labeled it an error to keep McDuff’s first inning no hitter intact. The inning closed without further incident.
The Ducks mixed a bunch of oddball at bats together in the top of the second, featuring a walk, fielders choice and an error until Brainguy came to the rescue and set the Champs straight. He must’ve stuck his butt WAYYY OUT as he tripled under the Fishing Net (Sponsored By Gorton’s) in RIGHT field. If Tyler tried that, his head would’ve exploded (“Right…Field…does…not…compute! BLAM!). E lined out to end the inning, but not before almost taking The Brain out at third on a laser shot. It wasn’t really THAT close, truth be told, but Brainguy’s scared monkey face and “I’m gonna wet my pants” dance was worth the price of admission.
Trailing 5-0, Team Off put together a full infield single in their quest to score, which was deemed an error on either Kathy or Courtney, at least until a LEGITIMATE hit spoiled McDuff’s fledging no-hitter (which came moments later). The inning ended on an odd pop to the pitcher double play, which we’re sure Ralph would’ve dropped and thrown into centerfield, TRYING for a DP. Instead McDuff gloved it, and threw to Courtney as the Team Off runner lived up to his moniker, straying far OFF the bag.
Eventually, even a cat gets sick of toying with a caught mouse and gets down to business; The Duck’s “cat” was let out of the bag in the third. Eleven hits thundered across the aerodrome, along with a walk and two errors as the Champs slashed their haggard opponents and cut a groove in home plate, crossing the dish a dozen (sponsored by Dunkin’ Donuts!) times to explode out to a 17 to 0 lead. The highlight in that downpour of black diamonds was a “home run” by E that really should’ve been scored a four base error (oh, very well, a triple and a ONE base error, happy now?).
The Ducks STILL had two on with only one out when Derek, given the choice to score or stay by his third base coach, ended the party by traversing the plate with the inning-killing 12th run.
When the teams exchanged places, Mattie and E decided that they should do a bit of Trading Spaces (we still LOVE Paige Davis…now you SHOULD know her, kiddies). Is it any surprise then, that Team Off broke the shutout? Of course it wasn’t. Mattie actually did rather well at short, saving his baby makers from total destruction by taking a bad hop in the breadbasket instead of his area. We weren’t able to see if he threw more accurately or as fast as Eric, as The Matt Man’s two chances resulted in mere force outs at second (and Kathy’s glove hand survived just fine).
The Ducks mixed a bunch of oddball at bats together in the top of the second, featuring a walk, fielders choice and an error until Brainguy came to the rescue and set the Champs straight. He must’ve stuck his butt WAYYY OUT as he tripled under the Fishing Net (Sponsored By Gorton’s) in RIGHT field. If Tyler tried that, his head would’ve exploded (“Right…Field…does…not…compute! BLAM!). E lined out to end the inning, but not before almost taking The Brain out at third on a laser shot. It wasn’t really THAT close, truth be told, but Brainguy’s scared monkey face and “I’m gonna wet my pants” dance was worth the price of admission.
Trailing 5-0, Team Off put together a full infield single in their quest to score, which was deemed an error on either Kathy or Courtney, at least until a LEGITIMATE hit spoiled McDuff’s fledging no-hitter (which came moments later). The inning ended on an odd pop to the pitcher double play, which we’re sure Ralph would’ve dropped and thrown into centerfield, TRYING for a DP. Instead McDuff gloved it, and threw to Courtney as the Team Off runner lived up to his moniker, straying far OFF the bag.
Eventually, even a cat gets sick of toying with a caught mouse and gets down to business; The Duck’s “cat” was let out of the bag in the third. Eleven hits thundered across the aerodrome, along with a walk and two errors as the Champs slashed their haggard opponents and cut a groove in home plate, crossing the dish a dozen (sponsored by Dunkin’ Donuts!) times to explode out to a 17 to 0 lead. The highlight in that downpour of black diamonds was a “home run” by E that really should’ve been scored a four base error (oh, very well, a triple and a ONE base error, happy now?).
The Ducks STILL had two on with only one out when Derek, given the choice to score or stay by his third base coach, ended the party by traversing the plate with the inning-killing 12th run.
When the teams exchanged places, Mattie and E decided that they should do a bit of Trading Spaces (we still LOVE Paige Davis…now you SHOULD know her, kiddies). Is it any surprise then, that Team Off broke the shutout? Of course it wasn’t. Mattie actually did rather well at short, saving his baby makers from total destruction by taking a bad hop in the breadbasket instead of his area. We weren’t able to see if he threw more accurately or as fast as Eric, as The Matt Man’s two chances resulted in mere force outs at second (and Kathy’s glove hand survived just fine).
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Champs Turn It On Versus Team Off - Part 3
10/12/2011
Thanks to this bit of goofiness, the Offers scored two to climb back to within, um, fifteen.
Thinking their 12 run inning pretty much ended the game, the Ducks offense started drifting over towards the cooler in Mattie’s van, but they met up with a loitering Neal which made them scurry back to the bench post haste. They should’ve stayed and drank as the Quackers stuck up a (Honk! Make that THREE hard-boiled eggs. Honk! And one) duck egg.
(http://www.marx-brothers.org/whyaduck/sounds/opera/eggs.wav).
At this point in time, the cellphone of one of Team Off’s players kept ringing, with its ringtone mimicking an electronic alarm clock (now WHO in their right mind picks THAT?). It must’ve wakened their dormant offense as they finally turned the power on, putting some decent whacks on the ball. Impossibly enough, all five runs in the inning scored when left fielder Derek, Charlie Browned a high fly ball. Lyn, incensed beyond words at the drop, wanted to send Derek down immediately to Single A ball, but if she did, his empty spot in the order would’ve been an automatic out and if there is one thing Coach hates more than dropped fly balls or McDuff, it’s an automatic out. The resulting “big inning” made the score a still-facing-a-chasm 17 to 7.
Sassy Notch announced to the team that she REALLY wanted the game to end so that she and her minions could drink, so the Champs set out to give the pine tar sniffing chick what she wanted. Brainguy threw the first hat into the ring by flying out to left (rebel!). Coach reached on an error, then watched in irritation as E skied to center-ish. The inning finally got moving when Cheesie herself hit into what should’ve been a force out, but Lyn not only beat the throw to second, but overslid/ran the base and had to reach back to stay safe (keep this in mind). Six straight singles followed and wowie-zowie, the Ducks had another six runs, all scoring when two were out.
To end this rather productive inning, Timmay grounded to the secondbasechick, Heini made a beeline to the bag and overslid/ran it but didn’t quite have Lyn’s dexterity (or his hair down…what little there is) and got tagged out. Still, the Ducks cemented their lead to 23-7.
To start the bottom of the fifth, Heini announced a defensive alignment, shouting “Kevin likes Heini!” Now those team members whose minds roam the depths of their reptilian brains thought this was the funniest thing they ever heard. Heini was merely alerting McDuff that the batter liked hitting the ball to where he, Heini, was stationed which was right field but this didn’t quite live up to the billing of “Kevin likes Heini” (Fine, truth be told, most women’s posteriors are prettier than some peoples faces so what’s not to like?). Once everyone got their acts back together and their splitting sides plugged back in, the game continued but not for long, as Team Off blanked out and got themselves mercied. The game ended on a terrific Frisky Chicks, round-the-horn double play that started on a nice grab by Cheesie, turned ridiculously at second by Kathy (must be those bionic knees) and finished on a dangerous lunge by Courtney. The only way this play could’ve been improved was if the chicks were wearing short skirts, but kindly ignore that rumination from our reptilian brain (it’s only on our minds because Sassy Notch showed us her Glinda Good Witch Of The South Halloween outfit…rowrrrrrr).
So another win by Our Heroes, who then moved on to the more exciting stuff at their favorite watering hole (last night it was at Matt’s Nostalgic Music Trunk). The aftergame festivities featured Cheesie failing the Popeye test (guessing Popeye, but then “Butch” and “that animal”), Mattie primping to go home and greet his 15 year old babysitter, Coach performing her “pee in the woods dance,” and a rousing Lame Duck rendition of the closing theme song from “Gilligan’s Island.”
Much more fun than the game, eh Coach?
Champs 3 2 (12) 0 6—23
Team Off 0 0 2 5 0—7
Thinking their 12 run inning pretty much ended the game, the Ducks offense started drifting over towards the cooler in Mattie’s van, but they met up with a loitering Neal which made them scurry back to the bench post haste. They should’ve stayed and drank as the Quackers stuck up a (Honk! Make that THREE hard-boiled eggs. Honk! And one) duck egg.
(http://www.marx-brothers.org/whyaduck/sounds/opera/eggs.wav).
At this point in time, the cellphone of one of Team Off’s players kept ringing, with its ringtone mimicking an electronic alarm clock (now WHO in their right mind picks THAT?). It must’ve wakened their dormant offense as they finally turned the power on, putting some decent whacks on the ball. Impossibly enough, all five runs in the inning scored when left fielder Derek, Charlie Browned a high fly ball. Lyn, incensed beyond words at the drop, wanted to send Derek down immediately to Single A ball, but if she did, his empty spot in the order would’ve been an automatic out and if there is one thing Coach hates more than dropped fly balls or McDuff, it’s an automatic out. The resulting “big inning” made the score a still-facing-a-chasm 17 to 7.
Sassy Notch announced to the team that she REALLY wanted the game to end so that she and her minions could drink, so the Champs set out to give the pine tar sniffing chick what she wanted. Brainguy threw the first hat into the ring by flying out to left (rebel!). Coach reached on an error, then watched in irritation as E skied to center-ish. The inning finally got moving when Cheesie herself hit into what should’ve been a force out, but Lyn not only beat the throw to second, but overslid/ran the base and had to reach back to stay safe (keep this in mind). Six straight singles followed and wowie-zowie, the Ducks had another six runs, all scoring when two were out.
To end this rather productive inning, Timmay grounded to the secondbasechick, Heini made a beeline to the bag and overslid/ran it but didn’t quite have Lyn’s dexterity (or his hair down…what little there is) and got tagged out. Still, the Ducks cemented their lead to 23-7.
To start the bottom of the fifth, Heini announced a defensive alignment, shouting “Kevin likes Heini!” Now those team members whose minds roam the depths of their reptilian brains thought this was the funniest thing they ever heard. Heini was merely alerting McDuff that the batter liked hitting the ball to where he, Heini, was stationed which was right field but this didn’t quite live up to the billing of “Kevin likes Heini” (Fine, truth be told, most women’s posteriors are prettier than some peoples faces so what’s not to like?). Once everyone got their acts back together and their splitting sides plugged back in, the game continued but not for long, as Team Off blanked out and got themselves mercied. The game ended on a terrific Frisky Chicks, round-the-horn double play that started on a nice grab by Cheesie, turned ridiculously at second by Kathy (must be those bionic knees) and finished on a dangerous lunge by Courtney. The only way this play could’ve been improved was if the chicks were wearing short skirts, but kindly ignore that rumination from our reptilian brain (it’s only on our minds because Sassy Notch showed us her Glinda Good Witch Of The South Halloween outfit…rowrrrrrr).
So another win by Our Heroes, who then moved on to the more exciting stuff at their favorite watering hole (last night it was at Matt’s Nostalgic Music Trunk). The aftergame festivities featured Cheesie failing the Popeye test (guessing Popeye, but then “Butch” and “that animal”), Mattie primping to go home and greet his 15 year old babysitter, Coach performing her “pee in the woods dance,” and a rousing Lame Duck rendition of the closing theme song from “Gilligan’s Island.”
Much more fun than the game, eh Coach?
Champs 3 2 (12) 0 6—23
Team Off 0 0 2 5 0—7
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And In The End, The Champs Are Still The Champs - Part 1
10/04/2011
YMCA Stadium, Home Of The Slowly Encroaching Steppe Around Second Base Foxborough, MA—Finally playing the rubber game of the YMCA’s Summer Softball Finals which had been tied at one game apiece since the late Mesozoic Era, Lyn’s Lame Ducks dusted off their summer drinking caps, and like a velociraptor from those ancient times, performed a ruthlessly efficient disemboweling of Bar Factory, 17 to 9.
“Yay Ducks!” was Coach Lyn’s only whispered comment during the Ducks raucous celebration that pinned the decibel meter at minus six, which wasn’t even loud enough to wake up her snoozing favorite niece Sophie. Kathy gave a “Yeahhhhhhh!” and a fist pump after the last out but was immediately ostracized, banished to the puppet stage in left center until she apologized. It really was the quietest celebration for winning a title ever, with Brainguy wondering aloud what the other two teams, waiting to start their late game, must’ve thought as the Team In The Texas Orange Shirts were getting their picture taken at home plate after a regular season, Frostbite game.
“We do this after EVERY game” sneered Brainguy at the puzzled Sea Bass team.
The game was a bit edgier than the final score indicated, but Lyn’s Flock merely bent under the pressure, where a less Vulcanized team would’ve shattered like Mike’s fossilized bones after being dipped in liquid nitrogen and whacked by a ballpeen hammer.
Bar Factory, sporting a lineup of four chicks and about seventy-eight guys, used that power to their advantage by going one, two, Courtney Was Off The Base, three to start the game.
Meanwhile, the Ducks, using their patented “Yes, we’ve got five chicks who will kick your ass” line up, including The North Adams Farm Girl, who was let off of work an hour early to attend (“My boss must’ve gotten laid” was her reasoning), scored two quick runs when Brainguy singled, went to second on a ground out by Lyn, then scored on a double by E, who took third on the throw to the plate. E scored when Cheesie (now known by her porn name, Sassy Notch) sacrificed her fly for science.
BarF got one back in the second on a bit of bad Duck luck (sounds like closing time at a lousy Chinese Restaurant). With one out, a ground ball was bounced to Brainguy at short; he tags second for the force, and then hurls a divot-digging throw to Courtney at first. Courtney pounces like a CHEETAH on the throw as it bounds back from the net, then lofts a rainbow that Kathy and Brainguy fight over in order to tag out the plodding BarF female by about a six feet. Unfortunately, a run scored from third on this little weirdo play.
The Ducks tallied three more in their half of the second, with Ralph getting a big two-out hit, probably because he imagined he was playing darts.
The third inning steamed in and it didn’t look good for our heroes as the Hairball Barfers had two on with nobody out. Timmay makes a gazelle-like catch on a rising liner to center for the first out. Then Brainguy in left speeds back for a long fly ball, catches up to it, overruns it, and conversely, Charlie Browns it. Only one run would score on his madcap miscue and with a pop to E and one to Sassy ending the frame, the Ducks were thanking their lucky Main Sequence stars that the inning didn’t go supernova.
Eric led off the Waterfowl attack in the third with a double, but he was stranded like Gilligan as Cheesie, Derek and Courtney took their bats and grumped home like petulant children.
“Yay Ducks!” was Coach Lyn’s only whispered comment during the Ducks raucous celebration that pinned the decibel meter at minus six, which wasn’t even loud enough to wake up her snoozing favorite niece Sophie. Kathy gave a “Yeahhhhhhh!” and a fist pump after the last out but was immediately ostracized, banished to the puppet stage in left center until she apologized. It really was the quietest celebration for winning a title ever, with Brainguy wondering aloud what the other two teams, waiting to start their late game, must’ve thought as the Team In The Texas Orange Shirts were getting their picture taken at home plate after a regular season, Frostbite game.
“We do this after EVERY game” sneered Brainguy at the puzzled Sea Bass team.
The game was a bit edgier than the final score indicated, but Lyn’s Flock merely bent under the pressure, where a less Vulcanized team would’ve shattered like Mike’s fossilized bones after being dipped in liquid nitrogen and whacked by a ballpeen hammer.
Bar Factory, sporting a lineup of four chicks and about seventy-eight guys, used that power to their advantage by going one, two, Courtney Was Off The Base, three to start the game.
Meanwhile, the Ducks, using their patented “Yes, we’ve got five chicks who will kick your ass” line up, including The North Adams Farm Girl, who was let off of work an hour early to attend (“My boss must’ve gotten laid” was her reasoning), scored two quick runs when Brainguy singled, went to second on a ground out by Lyn, then scored on a double by E, who took third on the throw to the plate. E scored when Cheesie (now known by her porn name, Sassy Notch) sacrificed her fly for science.
BarF got one back in the second on a bit of bad Duck luck (sounds like closing time at a lousy Chinese Restaurant). With one out, a ground ball was bounced to Brainguy at short; he tags second for the force, and then hurls a divot-digging throw to Courtney at first. Courtney pounces like a CHEETAH on the throw as it bounds back from the net, then lofts a rainbow that Kathy and Brainguy fight over in order to tag out the plodding BarF female by about a six feet. Unfortunately, a run scored from third on this little weirdo play.
The Ducks tallied three more in their half of the second, with Ralph getting a big two-out hit, probably because he imagined he was playing darts.
The third inning steamed in and it didn’t look good for our heroes as the Hairball Barfers had two on with nobody out. Timmay makes a gazelle-like catch on a rising liner to center for the first out. Then Brainguy in left speeds back for a long fly ball, catches up to it, overruns it, and conversely, Charlie Browns it. Only one run would score on his madcap miscue and with a pop to E and one to Sassy ending the frame, the Ducks were thanking their lucky Main Sequence stars that the inning didn’t go supernova.
Eric led off the Waterfowl attack in the third with a double, but he was stranded like Gilligan as Cheesie, Derek and Courtney took their bats and grumped home like petulant children.
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And In The End, The Champs Are Still The Champs - Part 2
10/04/2011
This opened the door for Bar Factory to tie it in the fourth. A few hits of the infield variety and a couple of the outfield variety had the Bar most excited! In their giddiness, they forgot how to run the bases and ran themselves out of the inning. One of the speedier BarFs banged a hit towards McDuff in right, who threw a curve ball to poor Kathy (why can’t he throw those when he pitches??) who had it glance off of her glove. The spinning, drenched ball got picked up by Eric as the runner was rounding third and heading home but then he inexplicably stopped. Eric, lollygagging because he figured he had no chance to throw the cretin out, turned and whanged the relay to Lyn at home anyways and she started everyone’s favorite baseball event, the Pickle. The runner was declared a kosher dill loser and was tagged out.
With the score knotted at five, the Ducks shrugged, grabbed their chips, dip and remote and went to work. Mattie singled (marked down as a double play in his Luke/Drew kept scorebook) and so did Kathy. McDuff, being gawdawful swinging a bat, took a walk that drove in Matt. Christine hit a line drive up the middle that was deflected by the pitcher into the hands of the shortstop, which made the putout 1-6-3 for those of you keeping score at home. Oh Great Tim doubled home the piano carrying McDuff, but Ralph lined hard to left for the second out. Brainguy reached on an error and it was up to Coach to get that difficult two-out hit…which she DID, by gum, and it vaulted the Ducks back into the lead, 10 to 5.
But like that spicy taco that just won’t stay down, the BarFs wouldn’t go away. Another long fly, this time to Derek in left, resulted in yet another Charlie Brown drop. A grounder to Ralph had to be beaten within an inch of its life before he could pick it up and get the force at second…that was then nullified by a bad call! The upshot of all of this was three more runs, a 10 to 8 Duck lead and a bunch of slowly fraying nerves (of the YMCA’s neighbors, wondering when in the heck this dumb softball season would END).
Don’t worry your pretty little head about it Sweetie, because the Duck offense is coming to the rescue (da-di-da-di-di-dahhhh!!). Derek, still pissed about dropping a fly ball, and Courtney, pissed about, um, something, singled to open the inning. Mattie clocked a double to get Derek home, which brought Kathy to the plate. She must’ve stuck her butt out in spectacular fashion (Neal would’ve drooled. Yes you can all vomit now ladies) as she lofted a shot to RIGHT FIELD which skied over the fielder’s head. As the Woman In The Black Catsuit pursued the ball, Kathy was motoring around the bases with a full bladder. It reminded us of a time in Jackman Maine when we chased down a young moose who was so peeved that he wet himself as he ran. Kathy showed more control, however, as she sloshed into third with a stand up triple (sliding wasn’t a good option, bladder-wise). Mercifully, she scored on The Idiot’s groundout and the Ducks (and K after dumping her wastewater) were breathing a little easier, up 14 to 8.
With the score knotted at five, the Ducks shrugged, grabbed their chips, dip and remote and went to work. Mattie singled (marked down as a double play in his Luke/Drew kept scorebook) and so did Kathy. McDuff, being gawdawful swinging a bat, took a walk that drove in Matt. Christine hit a line drive up the middle that was deflected by the pitcher into the hands of the shortstop, which made the putout 1-6-3 for those of you keeping score at home. Oh Great Tim doubled home the piano carrying McDuff, but Ralph lined hard to left for the second out. Brainguy reached on an error and it was up to Coach to get that difficult two-out hit…which she DID, by gum, and it vaulted the Ducks back into the lead, 10 to 5.
But like that spicy taco that just won’t stay down, the BarFs wouldn’t go away. Another long fly, this time to Derek in left, resulted in yet another Charlie Brown drop. A grounder to Ralph had to be beaten within an inch of its life before he could pick it up and get the force at second…that was then nullified by a bad call! The upshot of all of this was three more runs, a 10 to 8 Duck lead and a bunch of slowly fraying nerves (of the YMCA’s neighbors, wondering when in the heck this dumb softball season would END).
Don’t worry your pretty little head about it Sweetie, because the Duck offense is coming to the rescue (da-di-da-di-di-dahhhh!!). Derek, still pissed about dropping a fly ball, and Courtney, pissed about, um, something, singled to open the inning. Mattie clocked a double to get Derek home, which brought Kathy to the plate. She must’ve stuck her butt out in spectacular fashion (Neal would’ve drooled. Yes you can all vomit now ladies) as she lofted a shot to RIGHT FIELD which skied over the fielder’s head. As the Woman In The Black Catsuit pursued the ball, Kathy was motoring around the bases with a full bladder. It reminded us of a time in Jackman Maine when we chased down a young moose who was so peeved that he wet himself as he ran. Kathy showed more control, however, as she sloshed into third with a stand up triple (sliding wasn’t a good option, bladder-wise). Mercifully, she scored on The Idiot’s groundout and the Ducks (and K after dumping her wastewater) were breathing a little easier, up 14 to 8.
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And In The End, The Champs Are Still The Champs - Part 3
10/04/2011
The sixth inning rained in and it looked right off like Bar Factory might crank their offense into gear again. A line drive to center that had Timmay corkscrewing himself into the ground rolled to the puppet stage in center. TImmay, in hot pursuit, had to pry the ball away from either Oliver J. Dragon or Lady Elaine Fairchild, we’re not sure which, then threw it to THE CUTOFF Eric, who decided, against the laws of physics, to wing that pill home. The throw and runner arrived simultaneously, but E’s toss was a bit high for Christine, as she couldn’t get the tag down in time and got herself busted in the mud for her troubles. The Barf runner was so thrilled, he jumped up and YEAH!-ed. This got his team SO psyched that they wouldn't score the rest of the night (tee hee). Eric said later he would’ve thrown the runner out “two surgeries ago,” which scared us because he blackens and blues people’s glove hands as it is, so what were his throws like THEN?
The rain started again, almost like a sprinkling of magic water which is splendid weather for Ducks, doncha know, and our Fine Feathered Friends took advantage of this precipitation to put the game pretty much out of reach. A triple, four singles and a walk got three “insurance” runs across, and the Ducks could’ve had even more but thanks to McDuff, who almost took out Coach as she was straddling the foul line, grounded out meekly with the bases loaded to end things.
Up 17 to 9, the top of the seventh was strangely anti-climatic. Catcher Lyn, calling for the 20-point dart throw, got Ralph to toss a beauty which resulted in A Mighty Swing and an easy pop to Kathy at second. Then yet another Mighty Swing and ANOTHER pop to Kathy at second. Wow, can it really be THIS easy? Why yes it can: a ground ball towards the middle, gloved by Eric who throws on the run to first for out number three and the Ducks continued their repaving project of the Boulevard Of Broken Dreams (one of the road projects NOT sponsored by the American Recovery and Reinvestment Act because Lyn doesn’t GET sponsors. She already GETS enough gray hairs from her dysfunctional, CHAMPIONSHIP, team).
After the win, the little Quacker enclave huddled around their new favorite drinking hole, The Trunk (or in England, The Boot) and toasted to their success by imbibing a myriad of firewater selections that included beer, gyro gearboxes, diet beer and rusty nipples (well, something like that).
So there it is ladies and gentlemen, hobos and tramps, cross-eyed mosquitoes and bull-legged ants: two summer titles in a row for the perennial losers, Lyn’s Lame Ducks and the world has yet to implode (unlike Tyler’s batting average [rimshot]).
Bring on the next finals! (To be finished in February).
BarF 0 1 1 3 3 1 0—9
Champs 2 3 0 5 4 3 x—17
The rain started again, almost like a sprinkling of magic water which is splendid weather for Ducks, doncha know, and our Fine Feathered Friends took advantage of this precipitation to put the game pretty much out of reach. A triple, four singles and a walk got three “insurance” runs across, and the Ducks could’ve had even more but thanks to McDuff, who almost took out Coach as she was straddling the foul line, grounded out meekly with the bases loaded to end things.
Up 17 to 9, the top of the seventh was strangely anti-climatic. Catcher Lyn, calling for the 20-point dart throw, got Ralph to toss a beauty which resulted in A Mighty Swing and an easy pop to Kathy at second. Then yet another Mighty Swing and ANOTHER pop to Kathy at second. Wow, can it really be THIS easy? Why yes it can: a ground ball towards the middle, gloved by Eric who throws on the run to first for out number three and the Ducks continued their repaving project of the Boulevard Of Broken Dreams (one of the road projects NOT sponsored by the American Recovery and Reinvestment Act because Lyn doesn’t GET sponsors. She already GETS enough gray hairs from her dysfunctional, CHAMPIONSHIP, team).
After the win, the little Quacker enclave huddled around their new favorite drinking hole, The Trunk (or in England, The Boot) and toasted to their success by imbibing a myriad of firewater selections that included beer, gyro gearboxes, diet beer and rusty nipples (well, something like that).
So there it is ladies and gentlemen, hobos and tramps, cross-eyed mosquitoes and bull-legged ants: two summer titles in a row for the perennial losers, Lyn’s Lame Ducks and the world has yet to implode (unlike Tyler’s batting average [rimshot]).
Bring on the next finals! (To be finished in February).
BarF 0 1 1 3 3 1 0—9
Champs 2 3 0 5 4 3 x—17
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Big D�s Trampled By Stampeding Ducks - Part 1
9/27/2011
YMCA Stadium, Home Of The One-More-Teaspoon-Of-Water-And-It’s-A-Mud-Infield Foxborough, MA—
On a fall night where the humid air hung cloyingly thick, Lyn’s Lame Ducks took out the can opener and unsealed a whole tin of spicy whupass, punishing the overwhelmed Big (We Don’t Play Any ‘D’) D’s, 24 to 4.
“I’m pissed at you,” was Lyn’s only comment as she gave a withering look to our ace reporter, who meekly went about his after-game business and slunk away.
There were signs that this might be one of those famous “trap” games, mainly because starting pitcher Ralph was off brushing up for his annual Snooker tournament which meant that the aging McDuff had to take the ball. But we have the feeling even Tyler could’ve pitched and not encountered any problems with this “We Put The Wreck In Wreck-reation!” team (except he would’ve walked a billion people).
At any rate, Lyn called her team together for a pre-game lineup announcement and was blatantly ignored by the team’s Yankees fans. So she just stored that little snub into her massive memory banks and will eventually turn it into a six-inning graybox rebellion for the offenders.
The game started with a Brainguy double, Lyn then reached on an error by the firstbaseperson who kept picking up the ball and dropping it as if it were crawling with spiders. The Double E’s singled in a run each then after two were out, Mattie completed the first inning scoring with an RBI single, not sac fly, of his own. Although they only scored three runs, the Ducks “feeling of doom” emptied out because on a liner to short by Derek, the fielder reached down to his right, caught the ball, then looked at his glove/ball combination as if he’s never done it before (“Gollll-lee! Look at that, Sergeant Carter!” “PYLE!”). But like a pebble in your shoe, the Ducks were reminded of their pitching issues and in the bottom half of the first, Big D’s sent up a female lead off hitter knowing McDuff’s penchant for walking the fairer sex. But in a moment that even had the druids abandoning their Autumnal Equinox bonfire, The Pitcher Who’s Arm Groaned Like A Rusty Gate jolted the crowd by setting down the D-cups, 1, 2, 3.
In the second, McDuff led things off with a hit up the middle and, even with a piano on his back, took second base when the D’s center fielder, positioned in a communist nation, took a day and a half to field the ball. Timmay was next, and whacked a ball up the middle and careened like a madman towards second. As he slid in, the D’s outfielder, obviously missing the cutoff (ironic, n’est pas?), plunked Our Boy right on the coconut, even though it sounded more like a overripe grapefruit hitting a cement sidewalk from six floors up. Timmay was checked out and claimed he was fine, even though he asked “Mommy” to read him that “Green Eggs and Ham” story again (We’re sure he’s in the ER at press time). More Duck mayhem ensued with Heini and Brainguy doubling, and our heroes found themselves up by a happy snowman 8 to 0.
Coach Lyn saved the pitcher’s bacon in the D’s half of the inning as she made a difficult, sliding-in-front-of-Christine catch on a pop-up behind first. She almost made another, even MORE difficult catch, but this time she juggled the ball like a pro, but dropped it and sobbed hysterically (um, we think). The next batter grounded out and the official scorer decided to give Lyn an error on that impossible chance because he wanted to keep McDuff’s no-hitter intact.
The Ducks’ Gas House Gorilla conga-line kept boogying in the third (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vdhftriXIrk), thanks to five hits, a sac fly (by Brainguy NOT Mattie), and two very silly errors. One was on Eric’s moonshot to left, where the fielder gathered under it…and Charlie Browned it. His teammates told him “Nice try!” even though we’re sure it was easy enough that Tyler would’ve caught it with his hat…or Timmay with his head. Oh well, the Champs tallied six more runs to boost their lead to 14.
On a fall night where the humid air hung cloyingly thick, Lyn’s Lame Ducks took out the can opener and unsealed a whole tin of spicy whupass, punishing the overwhelmed Big (We Don’t Play Any ‘D’) D’s, 24 to 4.
“I’m pissed at you,” was Lyn’s only comment as she gave a withering look to our ace reporter, who meekly went about his after-game business and slunk away.
There were signs that this might be one of those famous “trap” games, mainly because starting pitcher Ralph was off brushing up for his annual Snooker tournament which meant that the aging McDuff had to take the ball. But we have the feeling even Tyler could’ve pitched and not encountered any problems with this “We Put The Wreck In Wreck-reation!” team (except he would’ve walked a billion people).
At any rate, Lyn called her team together for a pre-game lineup announcement and was blatantly ignored by the team’s Yankees fans. So she just stored that little snub into her massive memory banks and will eventually turn it into a six-inning graybox rebellion for the offenders.
The game started with a Brainguy double, Lyn then reached on an error by the firstbaseperson who kept picking up the ball and dropping it as if it were crawling with spiders. The Double E’s singled in a run each then after two were out, Mattie completed the first inning scoring with an RBI single, not sac fly, of his own. Although they only scored three runs, the Ducks “feeling of doom” emptied out because on a liner to short by Derek, the fielder reached down to his right, caught the ball, then looked at his glove/ball combination as if he’s never done it before (“Gollll-lee! Look at that, Sergeant Carter!” “PYLE!”). But like a pebble in your shoe, the Ducks were reminded of their pitching issues and in the bottom half of the first, Big D’s sent up a female lead off hitter knowing McDuff’s penchant for walking the fairer sex. But in a moment that even had the druids abandoning their Autumnal Equinox bonfire, The Pitcher Who’s Arm Groaned Like A Rusty Gate jolted the crowd by setting down the D-cups, 1, 2, 3.
In the second, McDuff led things off with a hit up the middle and, even with a piano on his back, took second base when the D’s center fielder, positioned in a communist nation, took a day and a half to field the ball. Timmay was next, and whacked a ball up the middle and careened like a madman towards second. As he slid in, the D’s outfielder, obviously missing the cutoff (ironic, n’est pas?), plunked Our Boy right on the coconut, even though it sounded more like a overripe grapefruit hitting a cement sidewalk from six floors up. Timmay was checked out and claimed he was fine, even though he asked “Mommy” to read him that “Green Eggs and Ham” story again (We’re sure he’s in the ER at press time). More Duck mayhem ensued with Heini and Brainguy doubling, and our heroes found themselves up by a happy snowman 8 to 0.
Coach Lyn saved the pitcher’s bacon in the D’s half of the inning as she made a difficult, sliding-in-front-of-Christine catch on a pop-up behind first. She almost made another, even MORE difficult catch, but this time she juggled the ball like a pro, but dropped it and sobbed hysterically (um, we think). The next batter grounded out and the official scorer decided to give Lyn an error on that impossible chance because he wanted to keep McDuff’s no-hitter intact.
The Ducks’ Gas House Gorilla conga-line kept boogying in the third (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vdhftriXIrk), thanks to five hits, a sac fly (by Brainguy NOT Mattie), and two very silly errors. One was on Eric’s moonshot to left, where the fielder gathered under it…and Charlie Browned it. His teammates told him “Nice try!” even though we’re sure it was easy enough that Tyler would’ve caught it with his hat…or Timmay with his head. Oh well, the Champs tallied six more runs to boost their lead to 14.
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Big D�s Trampled By Stampeding Ducks - Part 2
9/27/2011
The only thing Big D’s did was get their first hit of the game. The official scorer then changed Lyn’s valiant catch attempt from an error to a base hit, so in reality, D’s first hit was their second (we’re guessing the heat must’ve gotten to the official scorer).
The Champs offense must’ve been too busy checking their Fantasy Football results in the fourth as they only plated one run making it a 15 to 0 game.
All was honky-dory in Quacker Land until the Duck Defensive Dam leaked in the fourth. With one on, a bounding ball was hit slowly to E at short. He wound up and blazed a low throw to Christine at first who stepped aside and let it fly through the net (this was called Self-Preservation). Christine saved her life, but now runners were at second and third with one out. McDuff then dumbfounded everyone, including the batter by striking him out swinging. This kept the shutout intact…for the moment. That moment ended on yet another grounder to Eric and this time, a shapely female runner at second wearing a pair of her younger sister’s 1970’s era shorts, pranced over the ball. Eric took his eyes off the ball for an instant, and Big D’s got on the board thanks to a little bootie bounce. But not wanting Eric, his Yankee buddy, to feel bad, Mattie decided to misplay a single into a home run that scored three more runs. Truthfully, though, since this was only the fourth batted ball to get into the Duck outfield Mattie was either half asleep or forgot what to do. He didn’t know it as the time, but the Softball Gods would punish him for this error. It was now a 15 to 4 game and that meant more ball playing on a Sunday night in the mosquito-laden, hothouse swamplands.
In the fifth, Big D’s got pretty excited when both Brainguy and Lyn grounded out to the second basemen, but they should’ve known better. E was next, took a mighty swing, said “Oh sh*t” as he ripped a titanic fly ball to left center, clearing all the fielders. He ran backwards to try and settle for a double, but in the end, he was forced to take a home run. Li’l E singled, Derek walked and both scored when Court reached painfully on the shortstop’s error, his throw making a nice imprint on her leg like Silly Putty. The Boys And Girls were fighting to get to the bat rack as singles, errors and doubles began to fly all over the steaming yard. Timmay proved he wasn’t right in the head by taking a walk and then he and the Mighty Toed Heini scored on a Brainguy triple. It was now 24 to 4, and Big D’s was about to fold their camp chairs and head home, but first, Courtney had a bone to pick with a couple of the bats they were using. Umpire Tim agreed and branded them as non-usable, much to the chagrin of the complaining D-listers, who felt the Ducks were adding insult to injury. What the Ducks were REALLY doing was PREVENTING injury. Made us wonder how they would’ve felt had Tyler been up there with an illegal bat and their female pitcher on the hill. No wait; scratch that because the Big Goof’s brain would melt if he even TRIED to go up the middle. Regardless, this got the Big Disagreeables in a little bit of a snit, so they took their bat, fed their dogs and moped home.
Nighty-night.
The Champs proved brilliant on both sides of the ball, scoring two TDs and a field goal on a scorching 20 hits, while Big D’s struck out four times and got the ball out of the infield as many times as they…well, as many times as they struck out!
So now the Big Texas Orange Machine will play a matinee double-header on Sunday, we think, because the second team in the set is the summer league’s “We’re Sending A Team Of Four To Face You” TGIFridays.
Oh and before we forget, young Mattie’s punishment for his blatant error was locking his keys in his car. He claimed he was “distracted” by Neal who was going on about something unspeakable and Mattie was trying to get away as quickly as he could.
We’re pretty sure that if Mattie had brought the drinks, his team would’ve easily found ways into his car
Should we phone up the Geico gecko Mattie?
Champs 3 5 6 0 9—24
Big D’s 0 0 0 4 0—4
The Champs offense must’ve been too busy checking their Fantasy Football results in the fourth as they only plated one run making it a 15 to 0 game.
All was honky-dory in Quacker Land until the Duck Defensive Dam leaked in the fourth. With one on, a bounding ball was hit slowly to E at short. He wound up and blazed a low throw to Christine at first who stepped aside and let it fly through the net (this was called Self-Preservation). Christine saved her life, but now runners were at second and third with one out. McDuff then dumbfounded everyone, including the batter by striking him out swinging. This kept the shutout intact…for the moment. That moment ended on yet another grounder to Eric and this time, a shapely female runner at second wearing a pair of her younger sister’s 1970’s era shorts, pranced over the ball. Eric took his eyes off the ball for an instant, and Big D’s got on the board thanks to a little bootie bounce. But not wanting Eric, his Yankee buddy, to feel bad, Mattie decided to misplay a single into a home run that scored three more runs. Truthfully, though, since this was only the fourth batted ball to get into the Duck outfield Mattie was either half asleep or forgot what to do. He didn’t know it as the time, but the Softball Gods would punish him for this error. It was now a 15 to 4 game and that meant more ball playing on a Sunday night in the mosquito-laden, hothouse swamplands.
In the fifth, Big D’s got pretty excited when both Brainguy and Lyn grounded out to the second basemen, but they should’ve known better. E was next, took a mighty swing, said “Oh sh*t” as he ripped a titanic fly ball to left center, clearing all the fielders. He ran backwards to try and settle for a double, but in the end, he was forced to take a home run. Li’l E singled, Derek walked and both scored when Court reached painfully on the shortstop’s error, his throw making a nice imprint on her leg like Silly Putty. The Boys And Girls were fighting to get to the bat rack as singles, errors and doubles began to fly all over the steaming yard. Timmay proved he wasn’t right in the head by taking a walk and then he and the Mighty Toed Heini scored on a Brainguy triple. It was now 24 to 4, and Big D’s was about to fold their camp chairs and head home, but first, Courtney had a bone to pick with a couple of the bats they were using. Umpire Tim agreed and branded them as non-usable, much to the chagrin of the complaining D-listers, who felt the Ducks were adding insult to injury. What the Ducks were REALLY doing was PREVENTING injury. Made us wonder how they would’ve felt had Tyler been up there with an illegal bat and their female pitcher on the hill. No wait; scratch that because the Big Goof’s brain would melt if he even TRIED to go up the middle. Regardless, this got the Big Disagreeables in a little bit of a snit, so they took their bat, fed their dogs and moped home.
Nighty-night.
The Champs proved brilliant on both sides of the ball, scoring two TDs and a field goal on a scorching 20 hits, while Big D’s struck out four times and got the ball out of the infield as many times as they…well, as many times as they struck out!
So now the Big Texas Orange Machine will play a matinee double-header on Sunday, we think, because the second team in the set is the summer league’s “We’re Sending A Team Of Four To Face You” TGIFridays.
Oh and before we forget, young Mattie’s punishment for his blatant error was locking his keys in his car. He claimed he was “distracted” by Neal who was going on about something unspeakable and Mattie was trying to get away as quickly as he could.
We’re pretty sure that if Mattie had brought the drinks, his team would’ve easily found ways into his car
Should we phone up the Geico gecko Mattie?
Champs 3 5 6 0 9—24
Big D’s 0 0 0 4 0—4
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Champs Again One Win Away (As Of Now)
9/04/2011
“Theirs not to make reply,
theirs not to reason why,
theirs but to do or die.”—Alfred, Lord Tennyson “The Charge Of The Light Brigade.”
Boston, MA—It’s Showtime.
Lyn’s Lame Ducks hang their precious championship on the line Tuesday night when they face their annual adversaries from Bar Factory in a winner-take-all, mongoose-wrestling, umpire-kicking, pants-splitting celebrity death match for the YMCA’s ‘A’ Division Summer Softball pennant.
“Busy!” was Coach Lyn’s only comment as she slowly stuck some long-assed pins in the “gentlemen’s area” of her Tim From The Y voodoo doll.
Notice that the Champs are now only ‘one win’ away since, as we pretty much predicted in our last piece of pabulum, the whole ‘A’ plays ‘B’ World Series has been scuttled. Don’t say we didn’t warn you. At least it answers Mattie’s inquiry of “Does the winner consider itself the Champs even before they play the ‘B’ winners?” In case you haven’t done the math, as far as we can tell, the answer is “yes.”
Well, ‘til Tim and the Y change their minds again that is.
The Lame Ducks as a team have been dormant since August 21st when the big “final game scheduling” brouhaha got everyone’s beaks bent out of shape. Long vacations in between games seems to be a tonic for Our Fine Feathered Friends as they were stalled for a full four weeks before their scintillating playoff run last year. That’s not to say the Champs haven’t kept busy, oh no. Timmay has gone back to chasing cars, Tyler has broken or sprained nine or ten things, Brainguy finally got released from a Florida jail, Christine climbed Mt. Katahdin on her hands, Mattie went to Rock Star Camp and got kicked out, Ralph joined a Jai-alai league, and got kicked out, Cheesie became “Surgeon For A Day,” and got kicked out, Eric worked on getting his hamstring to look more like a plate of cooked spaghetti than a bowl of soggy shredded wheat, Court and Lyn huddled about their Hooched Up in Vegas plans, Kathy fumed while working for an electric company that got the lights back on quickly while her home electric company clowned around like stooges, Heini traveled to Houston to do a talk show until the promoters realized that he WASN’T the famed Science Fiction writer, Mike got grayer, Bob practiced long hours on how to pull the ball while McDuff bored the legions by writing yet another one of these silly things that no one ever reads.
But don’t worry lads and lassies, Our Heroes will put all the trials and tribulations of the past two weeks to some sort of good motivational use in only four days (barring any Acts Of God, Nature, or worse yet, Idiocy). Hopefully most, if not all of the Ducks will be in attendance to slap the BarFs around a bit just to show them, and the ditsy, Duck-hating YMCA Softball hierarchy, that you don’t make this docile, Bruce Banner-like team angry because if you DO…well, you KNOW what happens when they get angry. You won’t LIKE them if they get angry…heh, heh, heh. What? You DON’T know what happens when they get angry?? Well, then look it up you damned KIDS! (And yes, we KNOW Bruce Banner was called “David” Banner on the TV show).
So Coach Lyn: win the championship for ye mum?
We thought you’d never ask.
theirs not to reason why,
theirs but to do or die.”—Alfred, Lord Tennyson “The Charge Of The Light Brigade.”
Boston, MA—It’s Showtime.
Lyn’s Lame Ducks hang their precious championship on the line Tuesday night when they face their annual adversaries from Bar Factory in a winner-take-all, mongoose-wrestling, umpire-kicking, pants-splitting celebrity death match for the YMCA’s ‘A’ Division Summer Softball pennant.
“Busy!” was Coach Lyn’s only comment as she slowly stuck some long-assed pins in the “gentlemen’s area” of her Tim From The Y voodoo doll.
Notice that the Champs are now only ‘one win’ away since, as we pretty much predicted in our last piece of pabulum, the whole ‘A’ plays ‘B’ World Series has been scuttled. Don’t say we didn’t warn you. At least it answers Mattie’s inquiry of “Does the winner consider itself the Champs even before they play the ‘B’ winners?” In case you haven’t done the math, as far as we can tell, the answer is “yes.”
Well, ‘til Tim and the Y change their minds again that is.
The Lame Ducks as a team have been dormant since August 21st when the big “final game scheduling” brouhaha got everyone’s beaks bent out of shape. Long vacations in between games seems to be a tonic for Our Fine Feathered Friends as they were stalled for a full four weeks before their scintillating playoff run last year. That’s not to say the Champs haven’t kept busy, oh no. Timmay has gone back to chasing cars, Tyler has broken or sprained nine or ten things, Brainguy finally got released from a Florida jail, Christine climbed Mt. Katahdin on her hands, Mattie went to Rock Star Camp and got kicked out, Ralph joined a Jai-alai league, and got kicked out, Cheesie became “Surgeon For A Day,” and got kicked out, Eric worked on getting his hamstring to look more like a plate of cooked spaghetti than a bowl of soggy shredded wheat, Court and Lyn huddled about their Hooched Up in Vegas plans, Kathy fumed while working for an electric company that got the lights back on quickly while her home electric company clowned around like stooges, Heini traveled to Houston to do a talk show until the promoters realized that he WASN’T the famed Science Fiction writer, Mike got grayer, Bob practiced long hours on how to pull the ball while McDuff bored the legions by writing yet another one of these silly things that no one ever reads.
But don’t worry lads and lassies, Our Heroes will put all the trials and tribulations of the past two weeks to some sort of good motivational use in only four days (barring any Acts Of God, Nature, or worse yet, Idiocy). Hopefully most, if not all of the Ducks will be in attendance to slap the BarFs around a bit just to show them, and the ditsy, Duck-hating YMCA Softball hierarchy, that you don’t make this docile, Bruce Banner-like team angry because if you DO…well, you KNOW what happens when they get angry. You won’t LIKE them if they get angry…heh, heh, heh. What? You DON’T know what happens when they get angry?? Well, then look it up you damned KIDS! (And yes, we KNOW Bruce Banner was called “David” Banner on the TV show).
So Coach Lyn: win the championship for ye mum?
We thought you’d never ask.
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Champs Leave With A Splitting Headache - Part 1
8/23/2011
YMCA Stadium Home Of No Wonder The Ducks Couldn’t Hit In Game One There Wasn’t A Puma Pit In The Right Handers Batters Box, Foxborough MA—Oh what a night.
Not wanting to do things the easy way against their burgeoning rivals, Bar Factory, Lyn’s Lame Ducks spit the bit in game one, but charged back like a bunch of Mongolian Wild Horses in game two sending the ‘A’ Division championship to a winner-take-all showdown tonight, Sunday or whenever the YMCA’s Ouija Board decides.
Losing their first game of 2011 was bad enough, but what really toasted the Champs marshmallows was the immediate decision after the “shake hands” line that the rubber game would be played Monday at 6:30. This went against every “Game Three Is Tuesday At Eight” email correspondence that Coach Lyn got from Tim at the Y for the past two weeks which made this positively asinine statement the biggest bush league rip-off since AIG sent their executives on a $440,000 retreat to a posh California resort one week after getting a rather hefty taxpayer contributed bailout. The team stood there, stunned, looking like they were just told by their so-called platonic friend “Yes, this is YOUR BABY, baby.”
Normally, we’d put a comment from Lyn here, but for once in our lives we were smart enough to stay back 500 feet and avoid being incinerated. Since the Duck Chicks had a playoff game Monday at 6:30 in their other league (pounded into Tim’s head a billion times), Coach had a bone to pick with this dimwit who, like a typical male when there is something important to talk about, turned his back and walked away. Lyn calmly strolled after him (although if we offered her a Wookie crossbow she would’ve grabbed it and shot him right in the back) caught up with him, and started to explain to him in her innocent but firm way just what kind of a total blockhead he was being. From what we could gather through Coach’s gritted teeth and burning eyes it seemed the SECOND PLACE BarFs couldn’t field a team on Tuesday, so the game was changed, with the Ducks finding this out less than 24 hours before the most important game three. Coach must’ve turned up her charm to volcano heat, as Tim gave in and scheduled the game for…Monday. At 8. Guess volcano heat didn’t work as well as we’d thought. But as of this writing, Lyn’s magic potion must’ve kicked in as the game was finally moved to Sunday.
For the moment
Not wanting to do things the easy way against their burgeoning rivals, Bar Factory, Lyn’s Lame Ducks spit the bit in game one, but charged back like a bunch of Mongolian Wild Horses in game two sending the ‘A’ Division championship to a winner-take-all showdown tonight, Sunday or whenever the YMCA’s Ouija Board decides.
Losing their first game of 2011 was bad enough, but what really toasted the Champs marshmallows was the immediate decision after the “shake hands” line that the rubber game would be played Monday at 6:30. This went against every “Game Three Is Tuesday At Eight” email correspondence that Coach Lyn got from Tim at the Y for the past two weeks which made this positively asinine statement the biggest bush league rip-off since AIG sent their executives on a $440,000 retreat to a posh California resort one week after getting a rather hefty taxpayer contributed bailout. The team stood there, stunned, looking like they were just told by their so-called platonic friend “Yes, this is YOUR BABY, baby.”
Normally, we’d put a comment from Lyn here, but for once in our lives we were smart enough to stay back 500 feet and avoid being incinerated. Since the Duck Chicks had a playoff game Monday at 6:30 in their other league (pounded into Tim’s head a billion times), Coach had a bone to pick with this dimwit who, like a typical male when there is something important to talk about, turned his back and walked away. Lyn calmly strolled after him (although if we offered her a Wookie crossbow she would’ve grabbed it and shot him right in the back) caught up with him, and started to explain to him in her innocent but firm way just what kind of a total blockhead he was being. From what we could gather through Coach’s gritted teeth and burning eyes it seemed the SECOND PLACE BarFs couldn’t field a team on Tuesday, so the game was changed, with the Ducks finding this out less than 24 hours before the most important game three. Coach must’ve turned up her charm to volcano heat, as Tim gave in and scheduled the game for…Monday. At 8. Guess volcano heat didn’t work as well as we’d thought. But as of this writing, Lyn’s magic potion must’ve kicked in as the game was finally moved to Sunday.
For the moment
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Champs Leave With A Splitting Headache - Part 2
8/23/2011
But enough about that trivial stuff; How did Our Heroes get to this point? We thought you’d never ask.
Game one featured putrid hitting and pretty dern good defense, which combined to give the Ducks an awful sort of heartburn and a one-run loss.
The game started promising enough with E, Ralph and Tyler conspiring to make the BarFs start the game 1-2-3, while the offense managed to squeak a couple of runs across on singles by Heini, E and Court. The Ducks had two on with only one out, but a couple of hard hit line drive outs by K and Tyler ended frame one with the Quackers up 2-0.
Bar Factory ran into one of its four outs at the plate in inning two. A ground ball to Kathy, she knocks it down, picks it up and looks at the idiot who is on third and is now halfway between third and home. The poor sap decides to run home, K shrugs and slings a throw to the plate where Lyn unceremoniously tags the mallethead out. The Ducks go single, out, out, single, out, but keep a two run lead.
The Barfers failed to get anywhere in the third, again going 1-2-3, but the Ducks faired no better, going 1, single, 2, 3 so the score remained 2-0 (insert yawn here).
The Duck defensive dike finally sprung a leak in the fourth. Hits were as common as buffalo back in the Old Days and Bar Factory had the bases juiced with no outs and two runs home. But the Barfers ran themselves into yet another out at the plate. A grounder to Cheesie: she tags third, then wings the throw home (amazingly not hitting the runner) and Lyn applies the tag yet again to complete the inning-busting double play.
That piece of legerdemain ignited the Champs offense. Kathy walked; T-Rex hit his typical 400-foot single, Cheesie singled, then McDuff walked to get a run across. Ralph and Heini singled, Coach reached on a fielders choice then both E and Court singled in a pair. Mattie teased the legions by hitting a rocket to the left center fielder, which
was caught to end the inning, but the Ducks had pushed their lead to five, 7 to 2.
Obviously not being able to take a hint, the top of the fifth featured yet ANOTHER Bar Factory-er getting tossed out at the plate. A single up the middle, McDuff gloves and hits the cutoff. Eric, the cutoffee, is all set to slap the tag on a non-approaching runner, when he sees a Barfer attempting to score. Eric’s radar must pick out the correct Texas Orange shirt to throw it to (beep beep beep beeeeeeep!) he does and Lyn does what she does best (all together now) apply the tag. Eric is in the spotlight again for the last out, stabbing a grounder up the middle, tossing it to Kathy who bare-hands it and shows it off to the crowd like she has a show poodle.
The Waterfowl offense was as exciting as being abandoned in a deep well in the fifth and sixth (almost identical F-7, L-6 and 6-4s), while the Bar Factory minions cheated in a couple of runs (in our minds at least) closing the lead to 7-4.
Unfortunately, the Duck defense cracked like an over-boiled eggshell in the seventh. A ball scooted by Timmay to plate two, the above named Timmay dove like Louganis after a short fly ball, but can’t come up with it, Cheesie can’t quite corral a bounder and before you know it, the Ducks found themselves BEHIND, no less, by one run.
Hey, no problem, right? Coach Lyn shows the Ducks as much by singling to lead things off. Eric mashes a LONG fly to left, falling just short of the Picnic Pavilion, then Court drives what should be a base hit up the middle, but instead ends the game in the one of the more irritating of irritating ways.
Phooey.
As the BarFers celebrated like the birth of their first child, The Champs slunk back to their bench, secure in the knowledge that one more loss would kick their sorry asses out of the tournament
Game One
BarF 0 0 0 2 0 2 4—8
Champs 2 0 0 5 0 0 0—7
Game one featured putrid hitting and pretty dern good defense, which combined to give the Ducks an awful sort of heartburn and a one-run loss.
The game started promising enough with E, Ralph and Tyler conspiring to make the BarFs start the game 1-2-3, while the offense managed to squeak a couple of runs across on singles by Heini, E and Court. The Ducks had two on with only one out, but a couple of hard hit line drive outs by K and Tyler ended frame one with the Quackers up 2-0.
Bar Factory ran into one of its four outs at the plate in inning two. A ground ball to Kathy, she knocks it down, picks it up and looks at the idiot who is on third and is now halfway between third and home. The poor sap decides to run home, K shrugs and slings a throw to the plate where Lyn unceremoniously tags the mallethead out. The Ducks go single, out, out, single, out, but keep a two run lead.
The Barfers failed to get anywhere in the third, again going 1-2-3, but the Ducks faired no better, going 1, single, 2, 3 so the score remained 2-0 (insert yawn here).
The Duck defensive dike finally sprung a leak in the fourth. Hits were as common as buffalo back in the Old Days and Bar Factory had the bases juiced with no outs and two runs home. But the Barfers ran themselves into yet another out at the plate. A grounder to Cheesie: she tags third, then wings the throw home (amazingly not hitting the runner) and Lyn applies the tag yet again to complete the inning-busting double play.
That piece of legerdemain ignited the Champs offense. Kathy walked; T-Rex hit his typical 400-foot single, Cheesie singled, then McDuff walked to get a run across. Ralph and Heini singled, Coach reached on a fielders choice then both E and Court singled in a pair. Mattie teased the legions by hitting a rocket to the left center fielder, which
was caught to end the inning, but the Ducks had pushed their lead to five, 7 to 2.
Obviously not being able to take a hint, the top of the fifth featured yet ANOTHER Bar Factory-er getting tossed out at the plate. A single up the middle, McDuff gloves and hits the cutoff. Eric, the cutoffee, is all set to slap the tag on a non-approaching runner, when he sees a Barfer attempting to score. Eric’s radar must pick out the correct Texas Orange shirt to throw it to (beep beep beep beeeeeeep!) he does and Lyn does what she does best (all together now) apply the tag. Eric is in the spotlight again for the last out, stabbing a grounder up the middle, tossing it to Kathy who bare-hands it and shows it off to the crowd like she has a show poodle.
The Waterfowl offense was as exciting as being abandoned in a deep well in the fifth and sixth (almost identical F-7, L-6 and 6-4s), while the Bar Factory minions cheated in a couple of runs (in our minds at least) closing the lead to 7-4.
Unfortunately, the Duck defense cracked like an over-boiled eggshell in the seventh. A ball scooted by Timmay to plate two, the above named Timmay dove like Louganis after a short fly ball, but can’t come up with it, Cheesie can’t quite corral a bounder and before you know it, the Ducks found themselves BEHIND, no less, by one run.
Hey, no problem, right? Coach Lyn shows the Ducks as much by singling to lead things off. Eric mashes a LONG fly to left, falling just short of the Picnic Pavilion, then Court drives what should be a base hit up the middle, but instead ends the game in the one of the more irritating of irritating ways.
Phooey.
As the BarFers celebrated like the birth of their first child, The Champs slunk back to their bench, secure in the knowledge that one more loss would kick their sorry asses out of the tournament
Game One
BarF 0 0 0 2 0 2 4—8
Champs 2 0 0 5 0 0 0—7
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Champs Leave With A Splitting Headache - Part 3
8/23/2011
As the clouds roiled ‘round the ballyard, it was time for the Ducks to put up, or shut up and since we know this team so well, the one thing they LIKE to do is TALK.
So they put up four runs in the first. Lyn and E walked (Eric stating he hadn’t walked in about two years…or did he say high school?) then Courtney mashed a two run single. Mattie followed with an actual hit (actually on base as HIMSELF, not as Tyler or Heini), Kathy walked then The Iron Giant banged a ridiculously long single to score two.
The Quackers faltered a bit in the bottom of the first thanks in part to Ralph doing what pitchers usually do and that is to deflect a “sure double play ball.” Of course, with the umps in this league there is no such thing as a “sure double play ball” but we digress. Anyways, Bar Factory only got two from this steaming mess, so the Ducks still lead at 4-2.
Although no scoring occurred in the second, the only-seen-in-the-playoffs-Umpire Mute started his quest to “hit” for the Bad Call Cycle. First Heini hits a fairer-than-Lyn’s-grayboxing-schedule fair ball that is called (wait, he CALLED something???) foul. In the bottom of the second, Eric again makes a brilliant play, goes for the double play and, well there is no way he could throw it THAT fast, so he TELEPORTED the ball into Court’s glove at first, getting the runner by a step and a half.
In the real world, kiddos but in the bizarre world of Mute Ump, he was called safe.
Moving on to inning three. Lyn singles, E reaches on an E (heh), Court in her Texas Orange shorts singles and by golly Mattie singles. Kathy then hits a fielders choice, which actually SHOULD have been no choice at all since Matt beat the throw to second. He was called out (naturally) which left just Home Plate for Mute Umps Blown Call Cycle.
T-Rex added insult to Matties injury by hitting a sac fly (Matt is still trying to get the patent on that), Erika reached on an error, Tim singled in the Ducks eighth run of the night, then Christine gets called out on a pitch so far inside that if she had a more ample bosom, it would’ve hit her. All applaud the Blown Call Cycle (and an 8 to 2 Duck lead).
Is this a grumpy summary or what? Just askin’.
So they put up four runs in the first. Lyn and E walked (Eric stating he hadn’t walked in about two years…or did he say high school?) then Courtney mashed a two run single. Mattie followed with an actual hit (actually on base as HIMSELF, not as Tyler or Heini), Kathy walked then The Iron Giant banged a ridiculously long single to score two.
The Quackers faltered a bit in the bottom of the first thanks in part to Ralph doing what pitchers usually do and that is to deflect a “sure double play ball.” Of course, with the umps in this league there is no such thing as a “sure double play ball” but we digress. Anyways, Bar Factory only got two from this steaming mess, so the Ducks still lead at 4-2.
Although no scoring occurred in the second, the only-seen-in-the-playoffs-Umpire Mute started his quest to “hit” for the Bad Call Cycle. First Heini hits a fairer-than-Lyn’s-grayboxing-schedule fair ball that is called (wait, he CALLED something???) foul. In the bottom of the second, Eric again makes a brilliant play, goes for the double play and, well there is no way he could throw it THAT fast, so he TELEPORTED the ball into Court’s glove at first, getting the runner by a step and a half.
In the real world, kiddos but in the bizarre world of Mute Ump, he was called safe.
Moving on to inning three. Lyn singles, E reaches on an E (heh), Court in her Texas Orange shorts singles and by golly Mattie singles. Kathy then hits a fielders choice, which actually SHOULD have been no choice at all since Matt beat the throw to second. He was called out (naturally) which left just Home Plate for Mute Umps Blown Call Cycle.
T-Rex added insult to Matties injury by hitting a sac fly (Matt is still trying to get the patent on that), Erika reached on an error, Tim singled in the Ducks eighth run of the night, then Christine gets called out on a pitch so far inside that if she had a more ample bosom, it would’ve hit her. All applaud the Blown Call Cycle (and an 8 to 2 Duck lead).
Is this a grumpy summary or what? Just askin’.
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Champs Leave With A Splitting Headache - Part 4
8/23/2011
Meanwhile the BarFs fail to score in the third, thanks to Tyler’s catch (one) and throw to Kathy who made a brilliant sno-cone catch to double up the dreaming runner (two).
In the fourth the offense decided that it was finally time to shriek like a howler monkey. McDuff and Ralph lead with singles, then score when Heini hits a double that was SO fair, the crowd was shocked that it wasn’t labeled foul. Back to back doubles by Eric and Court ensue, then Mattie lines out hard to left, hoping for a sacrifice (but there was no one on third). With two outs and one on, the Ducks initiated Patience Protocol Bravo. Kathy walked (second time in the game, fourth time of the night) and Tyler, paying absolutely no attention to any kind of “patience” thingie, singled again to deeeeep left. North Adams Farm Girl took a stroll, then Timmay, in his most zen-like trance to date, took ball four and got two RBIs out of it! The inning ended with a slowly simmering Christine grounding out to the pitcher. The Monkey inning gave Our Heroes a 15 to 2 lead (howwwwwl!).
The fifth inning was incredibly dull for both teams, although Coach got a single (we’d be grayboxed forever if we didn’t mention that), so that the sixth washed in with the Ducks up by 13.
The highlight of the TOP of the inning was Erika, flying high as a kite from abusing the Pine Tar Rag, smacking a bases clearing triple. She would end up drifting home herself on a Timmay ground out to give our heroes three more runs for a mercy killing 18 to 2 win.
But wait.
For some odd reason that no one has reasonably explained, the game DIDN’T end. And don’t buy that “no mercy games in the playoffs” malarkey because in last years finals versus the same opponent, the Ducks walked off with a 23 to 1 mercy win after four and a half innings, so there.
But whatever, as the BarFs got to bat again and really had a dangerous inning cooking with two on, no outs and five runs in. It was getting a bit uneasy for the Ducks until yep, it happened again. On a night that would have Pavlov’s dog wondering what the hell was going on, Bar Factory got yet ANOTHER runner thrown out at home. In a true “what the hell was she THINKING moment,” E grabbed a grounder and threw to first for out one, then Court spun and lasered home a perfect strike to Lyn who tagged the runner out on her generous boobs which Coach said she seemed to like a little bit TOO much. So far, Lyn has tagged out a male BarFer in the plums and a female BarFer in the mammaries. All she needs now is to tag another female in her Octopus’ Garden In The Shade to complete her Ta-Ta, Triangle and Testosterone Trifecta. Meanwhile Cheesie, in keeping with the sexual theme of the inning, snared a hot shot for the third out, telling Mattie that she “Likes ‘em hard.” NAFG also stated later that she “likes to let my boobs hang out in my Under Armour.”
We bet.
Mercifully an uneventful seventh inning interrupted any more erotic happenings and the Ducks had an 18 to 7 win (with a very loud conniption brewing).
Conspiracy theorists are having more fun with this than they had with the lunar landing, saying that the Y is “against” the Ducks winning the title. They claim that they can prove this theory by the bad umpiring calls, the neglect in enacting the mercy rule and the piece de resistance, the game three day and time change.
As of this writing, Lyn had busily gone through more mathematical models than Felix Edouard Justin Emile Borel and has come to the conclusion that Sunday is the best day to play. The upshot of this is that the Champs get a whole week to stew about this split/conspiracy thing, secure in the knowledge that they do indeed have one more game to defend their title.
We wonder what little surprises await for the Ducks in game three? Here’s hoping the Champs don’t morph into Chumps.
Game Two
Champs 4 0 4 7 0 3 0—18
BarF 2 0 0 0 0 5 0—7
In the fourth the offense decided that it was finally time to shriek like a howler monkey. McDuff and Ralph lead with singles, then score when Heini hits a double that was SO fair, the crowd was shocked that it wasn’t labeled foul. Back to back doubles by Eric and Court ensue, then Mattie lines out hard to left, hoping for a sacrifice (but there was no one on third). With two outs and one on, the Ducks initiated Patience Protocol Bravo. Kathy walked (second time in the game, fourth time of the night) and Tyler, paying absolutely no attention to any kind of “patience” thingie, singled again to deeeeep left. North Adams Farm Girl took a stroll, then Timmay, in his most zen-like trance to date, took ball four and got two RBIs out of it! The inning ended with a slowly simmering Christine grounding out to the pitcher. The Monkey inning gave Our Heroes a 15 to 2 lead (howwwwwl!).
The fifth inning was incredibly dull for both teams, although Coach got a single (we’d be grayboxed forever if we didn’t mention that), so that the sixth washed in with the Ducks up by 13.
The highlight of the TOP of the inning was Erika, flying high as a kite from abusing the Pine Tar Rag, smacking a bases clearing triple. She would end up drifting home herself on a Timmay ground out to give our heroes three more runs for a mercy killing 18 to 2 win.
But wait.
For some odd reason that no one has reasonably explained, the game DIDN’T end. And don’t buy that “no mercy games in the playoffs” malarkey because in last years finals versus the same opponent, the Ducks walked off with a 23 to 1 mercy win after four and a half innings, so there.
But whatever, as the BarFs got to bat again and really had a dangerous inning cooking with two on, no outs and five runs in. It was getting a bit uneasy for the Ducks until yep, it happened again. On a night that would have Pavlov’s dog wondering what the hell was going on, Bar Factory got yet ANOTHER runner thrown out at home. In a true “what the hell was she THINKING moment,” E grabbed a grounder and threw to first for out one, then Court spun and lasered home a perfect strike to Lyn who tagged the runner out on her generous boobs which Coach said she seemed to like a little bit TOO much. So far, Lyn has tagged out a male BarFer in the plums and a female BarFer in the mammaries. All she needs now is to tag another female in her Octopus’ Garden In The Shade to complete her Ta-Ta, Triangle and Testosterone Trifecta. Meanwhile Cheesie, in keeping with the sexual theme of the inning, snared a hot shot for the third out, telling Mattie that she “Likes ‘em hard.” NAFG also stated later that she “likes to let my boobs hang out in my Under Armour.”
We bet.
Mercifully an uneventful seventh inning interrupted any more erotic happenings and the Ducks had an 18 to 7 win (with a very loud conniption brewing).
Conspiracy theorists are having more fun with this than they had with the lunar landing, saying that the Y is “against” the Ducks winning the title. They claim that they can prove this theory by the bad umpiring calls, the neglect in enacting the mercy rule and the piece de resistance, the game three day and time change.
As of this writing, Lyn had busily gone through more mathematical models than Felix Edouard Justin Emile Borel and has come to the conclusion that Sunday is the best day to play. The upshot of this is that the Champs get a whole week to stew about this split/conspiracy thing, secure in the knowledge that they do indeed have one more game to defend their title.
We wonder what little surprises await for the Ducks in game three? Here’s hoping the Champs don’t morph into Chumps.
Game Two
Champs 4 0 4 7 0 3 0—18
BarF 2 0 0 0 0 5 0—7
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Champs Two Wins, No Wait FOUR Wins Away�We Think (Part - 1)
8/19/2011
Boston, MA—The editors wanted a quick column to be written before the Championship Games this Sunday, and since we didn’t want to get whacked on the head with the clown hammer again, we reluctantly agreed.
Seeing as this has been a crazy kind of season, what with the Ducks playing ‘B’ Teams when they showed up and even when they didn’t, you’d think that there couldn’t be anything that would surprise Lyn and her Fine Feathers Friends.
Until yesterday, that is.
The YMCA, in it’s infinite wisdom, had decided (on a whim it seems), to pit the winner of the ‘A’ division versus the winner of the ‘B’ division for a showdown of World Series proportions which would determine something that no one seems to know.
“Only got SIX people showing up for…hey! How the (expletive!) did you find me??? SECURITY!!!!” screamed Coach Lyn as we discovered too late that our Inspector Clouseau-like disguise didn’t seem to be working.
Many pundits and the yahoos on talk radio believe that this is yet another ploy by the bean counters at the ‘Y’ to trip up the Ducks. The feeling is that they despise teams “running the table” in their mighty softball league so this is their way of giving the Champs more chances to lose (remember last year’s TRIPLE-HEADER?). Then there are the other geniuses that feel that this theory is a load of dingo’s kidneys and that anyone who thinks that way is just some kind of paranoid nutjob (We can’t help but think that was directed at us).
But the thing that REALLY gets folks feuding like the Hatfields and the McCoys is the question of the championship itself. Does the winner of the Ducks-Bar Factory series consider themselves the champions? Or are they just the division winners (ala Major League Baseball) and must defeat the ‘B’ division winners to claim the crown? That would SEEM logical, but then again, we ARE talking about an organization that has a puppet stage in center field, a beheading fishnet in right, a cutthroat infield and a lightning bug-powered lighting system. Who’s to say that, if the rains come either Sunday or Tuesday, the ‘Y’ won’t just screw the whole “World Series Thing” and proceed immediately to the Fall League?
“You STILL haven’t paid me for the season and you want ME to post your bail? You are (bleeping) nutty as a fruitcake!” was Our Coach’s utterance on this matter.
That argument is all well and good, but the immediate problem for Our Protagonists is their shrinking roster for the ADCS. After his rough games last weekend, Brainguy was immediately sent down to the Ducks single ‘A’ affiliate, the Orange County Ugly Ducklings (heck he didn’t even have time for a post game beer!) for what the spin-doctors were calling “seasoning.” Eric meanwhile is a fugitive from justice and might not have his new identity in time for Sunday (Um if he has a new identity, does that disqualify him for the playoffs? Hmm). Methuselah Mike is out and many others are vague at the time of this writing. It looks at this point like the Champs will have to climb aboard the broad shoulders of T-Rex/Thing One/Sunshine/Giraffe/The Big Grunt and the more delicate but still cunningly dangerous shoulders of the Duck Chicks to carry them to the Promised Land.
“Yes, I’m pressing charges,” spat a sneering Lyn.
So, with all this hanging over the Champs’ heads like Revelations, it’s back into the Championship Blast Furnace to see if our Little Duckies emerge as strong as steel, or as useless as slag.
It should be…educational.
Seeing as this has been a crazy kind of season, what with the Ducks playing ‘B’ Teams when they showed up and even when they didn’t, you’d think that there couldn’t be anything that would surprise Lyn and her Fine Feathers Friends.
Until yesterday, that is.
The YMCA, in it’s infinite wisdom, had decided (on a whim it seems), to pit the winner of the ‘A’ division versus the winner of the ‘B’ division for a showdown of World Series proportions which would determine something that no one seems to know.
“Only got SIX people showing up for…hey! How the (expletive!) did you find me??? SECURITY!!!!” screamed Coach Lyn as we discovered too late that our Inspector Clouseau-like disguise didn’t seem to be working.
Many pundits and the yahoos on talk radio believe that this is yet another ploy by the bean counters at the ‘Y’ to trip up the Ducks. The feeling is that they despise teams “running the table” in their mighty softball league so this is their way of giving the Champs more chances to lose (remember last year’s TRIPLE-HEADER?). Then there are the other geniuses that feel that this theory is a load of dingo’s kidneys and that anyone who thinks that way is just some kind of paranoid nutjob (We can’t help but think that was directed at us).
But the thing that REALLY gets folks feuding like the Hatfields and the McCoys is the question of the championship itself. Does the winner of the Ducks-Bar Factory series consider themselves the champions? Or are they just the division winners (ala Major League Baseball) and must defeat the ‘B’ division winners to claim the crown? That would SEEM logical, but then again, we ARE talking about an organization that has a puppet stage in center field, a beheading fishnet in right, a cutthroat infield and a lightning bug-powered lighting system. Who’s to say that, if the rains come either Sunday or Tuesday, the ‘Y’ won’t just screw the whole “World Series Thing” and proceed immediately to the Fall League?
“You STILL haven’t paid me for the season and you want ME to post your bail? You are (bleeping) nutty as a fruitcake!” was Our Coach’s utterance on this matter.
That argument is all well and good, but the immediate problem for Our Protagonists is their shrinking roster for the ADCS. After his rough games last weekend, Brainguy was immediately sent down to the Ducks single ‘A’ affiliate, the Orange County Ugly Ducklings (heck he didn’t even have time for a post game beer!) for what the spin-doctors were calling “seasoning.” Eric meanwhile is a fugitive from justice and might not have his new identity in time for Sunday (Um if he has a new identity, does that disqualify him for the playoffs? Hmm). Methuselah Mike is out and many others are vague at the time of this writing. It looks at this point like the Champs will have to climb aboard the broad shoulders of T-Rex/Thing One/Sunshine/Giraffe/The Big Grunt and the more delicate but still cunningly dangerous shoulders of the Duck Chicks to carry them to the Promised Land.
“Yes, I’m pressing charges,” spat a sneering Lyn.
So, with all this hanging over the Champs’ heads like Revelations, it’s back into the Championship Blast Furnace to see if our Little Duckies emerge as strong as steel, or as useless as slag.
It should be…educational.
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Champs Two Wins, No Wait FOUR Wins Away�We Think (Part - 2)
8/19/2011
Here is what the Champs did this year in the regular season against their opponents, Bar Factory:
June 5: Champs 29, BarF 14
The Ducks are forced to grab the mysterious Sam at the last second to fill in for Christine who forgot she had a game, Coach Lyn is caught in between the Cold War with Grumpy Ump And Ralph and the game remains close until the Ducks mercy the Bar with a 12-run sixth.
June 19: Champs 18, BarF 7
Champs get their seventh straight win in the second game of a doubleheader. The Ducks ten-run fourth builds too high of a mountain for Bar Factory to climb, and Coach tags out a sliding runner hard in the plums just to prove a point.
July 31: Champs 21, BarF 9
Lyn tells everyone she has a “Hoochie outfit for Vegas,” and has the umpire get a bit too close when she stands up behind the plate. Tim “goes down” at/on the first baseperson, Brainguy bocces a perfect throw from left to ace a runner at home and the Ducks are never threatened as they win this final game to go undefeated for the regular season.
June 5: Champs 29, BarF 14
The Ducks are forced to grab the mysterious Sam at the last second to fill in for Christine who forgot she had a game, Coach Lyn is caught in between the Cold War with Grumpy Ump And Ralph and the game remains close until the Ducks mercy the Bar with a 12-run sixth.
June 19: Champs 18, BarF 7
Champs get their seventh straight win in the second game of a doubleheader. The Ducks ten-run fourth builds too high of a mountain for Bar Factory to climb, and Coach tags out a sliding runner hard in the plums just to prove a point.
July 31: Champs 21, BarF 9
Lyn tells everyone she has a “Hoochie outfit for Vegas,” and has the umpire get a bit too close when she stands up behind the plate. Tim “goes down” at/on the first baseperson, Brainguy bocces a perfect throw from left to ace a runner at home and the Ducks are never threatened as they win this final game to go undefeated for the regular season.
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Champs Take Care Of Business: Raze Upper Deck - Part 1
8/15/2011
YMCA Stadium Home Of The Infield That Is Almost As Bad As The Lighting, Foxborough MA—It wasn’t pretty, but then again, winning ugly rarely is.
Lyn’s Lame Ducks leaned on their championship pedigree to run silent, run deep, and keep everything copasetic with the Time/Space Continuum by CORI-forming Neal’s Upper Deckians 13 to 7 in game one and 17 to 7 in game two, completing a Sunday Sweep that propelled them to their second YMCA summer finals in a row against their seasonal opponents, Bar Factory.
“I didn’t realize we were doing September call-ups this early,” said Coach Lyn, thinly veiling her disdain over the fact that some of Neal’s roster had played about as many YMCA regular season games as the Say Hey Kid.
In the end, we have the feeling it wouldn’t have mattered if Neal replaced his whole bunch with the Lehigh Valley Ironpigs or the Windy City Thunderbolts, as the Champs were determined not to lose and they brought their um, ‘B’ game to uhh, prove it (a-HEM).
Due to the fact that some of the Duck attendees weren’t sure if they could show up for a 3:30 affair, Lyn eschewed making a spreadsheet. Didn’t matter, of course, because Coach rules with an iron (and grayboxing) fist.
Game One
As storm clouds circled the field like The Jets and The Sharks, Lyn’s Lame Ducks began their 2011 quest to get the crown, save the town and Mr. Krabs (sing along if you’d like). Life (carbon-based that is) started out just plain, um, “ducky” for Lyn’s flock in the first. The defense forced the Pervs to go1-2-3 while the Duck offense, sporting two honest-to-god LAME Ducks (Tyler and Heini with foot issues) made it look like the Champs were going to make a quick and bountiful exit. Brainguy singled and Lyn walked to open the game and the hobbling Heini reached on an error. After an out, Mattie ripped a triple to clear the bases, and then Courtney (a stellar five for seven on the night) got him home with a single. Big T-Rex, sporting a messed up ankle, proved to his many fans that he plays much better when he’s a flamingo (figure it out!) driving in his lil’ sister Court. The offensive wheels hit a ditch after that so the Ducks settled for a 6-0 lead.
Lyn’s Lame Ducks leaned on their championship pedigree to run silent, run deep, and keep everything copasetic with the Time/Space Continuum by CORI-forming Neal’s Upper Deckians 13 to 7 in game one and 17 to 7 in game two, completing a Sunday Sweep that propelled them to their second YMCA summer finals in a row against their seasonal opponents, Bar Factory.
“I didn’t realize we were doing September call-ups this early,” said Coach Lyn, thinly veiling her disdain over the fact that some of Neal’s roster had played about as many YMCA regular season games as the Say Hey Kid.
In the end, we have the feeling it wouldn’t have mattered if Neal replaced his whole bunch with the Lehigh Valley Ironpigs or the Windy City Thunderbolts, as the Champs were determined not to lose and they brought their um, ‘B’ game to uhh, prove it (a-HEM).
Due to the fact that some of the Duck attendees weren’t sure if they could show up for a 3:30 affair, Lyn eschewed making a spreadsheet. Didn’t matter, of course, because Coach rules with an iron (and grayboxing) fist.
Game One
As storm clouds circled the field like The Jets and The Sharks, Lyn’s Lame Ducks began their 2011 quest to get the crown, save the town and Mr. Krabs (sing along if you’d like). Life (carbon-based that is) started out just plain, um, “ducky” for Lyn’s flock in the first. The defense forced the Pervs to go1-2-3 while the Duck offense, sporting two honest-to-god LAME Ducks (Tyler and Heini with foot issues) made it look like the Champs were going to make a quick and bountiful exit. Brainguy singled and Lyn walked to open the game and the hobbling Heini reached on an error. After an out, Mattie ripped a triple to clear the bases, and then Courtney (a stellar five for seven on the night) got him home with a single. Big T-Rex, sporting a messed up ankle, proved to his many fans that he plays much better when he’s a flamingo (figure it out!) driving in his lil’ sister Court. The offensive wheels hit a ditch after that so the Ducks settled for a 6-0 lead.
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Champs Take Care Of Business: Raze Upper Deck - Part 2
8/15/2011
A couple of errors gave Neal’s team a couple back in the second, although two nice catches by Hopalong Casualty in left center and an odd 6 to 4 to 5 to 4 pickle-buster prevented any further damage.
The Quackers got those right back in their half of the inning thanks to RBI singles by Lyn and Heini making the score 8 to 2.
In the third, an inopportune visit by Bozo, Emmett Kelly and Ronald McDonald got the Ducks into hot water. Bob in left went to great lengths to try to help his team get an out by busting his hump and going into a slide to try and corral a foul ball. All he ended up with was a snoutful of briars, with only his orange hat visible through the massive undergrowth. Well, you know what they say; a brush with a bush is pleasant compared to a powwow with a post (which is almost what happened to McDuff and the flagpole a few frames later). The result of this circus train wreck was the Duck lead getting cut to three.
The Champs offense looked as if it was set to power up in the bottom of the inning, with Mattie singling, Court getting on with a fielder’s choice and then showing her Timmay-like abandon on the basepaths, going from first to third on a laser to left by The Big Goof. Kathy got Court home with a single, but then McDuff and Erika conspired to end the inning quickly with a couple of cans o’ corn and the Duck lead was at four.
A few Red Cross singles and Lil’ E’s first error of the night got Neal’s club all goofy with delight, getting within’ two of Our Heroes. It was at this point that the Lame Duck offense got into a snit and decided to leave this Most Important Game in the usually capable, expert hands of the vaunted Duck defense (although the way they’d been playing so far, it was like signing over the construction of your nuclear power plant to the guys who built Chernobyl). Heini took this as a personal affront and performed some excellent chess moves with the Webfoot fielders, positioning them perfectly from the bench all night (What’s that Brainguy? Why didn’t he rake the infield? Ask him not us).
Meanwhile The Duck offense showed it wasn’t kidding and decided to keep the pressure on by scoring only one run, jammed in between a bombardment of useless fly outs. The score was 10-7 after a very long four innings.
Sticking their tongues out at their useless offensive comrades, the Duck defense took up the gauntlet and handcuffed the Pervs over the next three innings. Mattie showed Bob how easy it was to play left field (without having to take a header into the briar patch) by snaring everything hit to him and we mean hit RIGHT TO I-Don’t-Have-To-Move-A-Millimeter-One-Way-Or-The-Other HIM. Tyler continued to be a one-footed monster in left center, while “talking McDuff down” as he made a catch on a long shot to the triangle. Ralph kept most everything in the air, but the stuff on the ground were expertly handled by Erika, Brainguy (finally) et all.
Meanwhile, the flitting Waterfowl offense got two more in the fifth, with poor Courtney getting tossed out at the plate on a very short coulda’-been-a-sac-fly fly by the oh-fer McDuff and one in the sixth featuring three singles and two irritating fielders choices.
Meanwhile, the Upper Deck offense slogged through the last inning like they drank too many Mai Tais. Many in the stands thought it was prudent at this point to fold up their tents and head home, but they foolishly decided to hang out and play game two, much to the chagrin of Luke, Drew and Joshua.
Game One
Upper Dorks 0 2 3 2 0 0 0—7
Champs 6 2 1 1 2 1 x—13
The Quackers got those right back in their half of the inning thanks to RBI singles by Lyn and Heini making the score 8 to 2.
In the third, an inopportune visit by Bozo, Emmett Kelly and Ronald McDonald got the Ducks into hot water. Bob in left went to great lengths to try to help his team get an out by busting his hump and going into a slide to try and corral a foul ball. All he ended up with was a snoutful of briars, with only his orange hat visible through the massive undergrowth. Well, you know what they say; a brush with a bush is pleasant compared to a powwow with a post (which is almost what happened to McDuff and the flagpole a few frames later). The result of this circus train wreck was the Duck lead getting cut to three.
The Champs offense looked as if it was set to power up in the bottom of the inning, with Mattie singling, Court getting on with a fielder’s choice and then showing her Timmay-like abandon on the basepaths, going from first to third on a laser to left by The Big Goof. Kathy got Court home with a single, but then McDuff and Erika conspired to end the inning quickly with a couple of cans o’ corn and the Duck lead was at four.
A few Red Cross singles and Lil’ E’s first error of the night got Neal’s club all goofy with delight, getting within’ two of Our Heroes. It was at this point that the Lame Duck offense got into a snit and decided to leave this Most Important Game in the usually capable, expert hands of the vaunted Duck defense (although the way they’d been playing so far, it was like signing over the construction of your nuclear power plant to the guys who built Chernobyl). Heini took this as a personal affront and performed some excellent chess moves with the Webfoot fielders, positioning them perfectly from the bench all night (What’s that Brainguy? Why didn’t he rake the infield? Ask him not us).
Meanwhile The Duck offense showed it wasn’t kidding and decided to keep the pressure on by scoring only one run, jammed in between a bombardment of useless fly outs. The score was 10-7 after a very long four innings.
Sticking their tongues out at their useless offensive comrades, the Duck defense took up the gauntlet and handcuffed the Pervs over the next three innings. Mattie showed Bob how easy it was to play left field (without having to take a header into the briar patch) by snaring everything hit to him and we mean hit RIGHT TO I-Don’t-Have-To-Move-A-Millimeter-One-Way-Or-The-Other HIM. Tyler continued to be a one-footed monster in left center, while “talking McDuff down” as he made a catch on a long shot to the triangle. Ralph kept most everything in the air, but the stuff on the ground were expertly handled by Erika, Brainguy (finally) et all.
Meanwhile, the flitting Waterfowl offense got two more in the fifth, with poor Courtney getting tossed out at the plate on a very short coulda’-been-a-sac-fly fly by the oh-fer McDuff and one in the sixth featuring three singles and two irritating fielders choices.
Meanwhile, the Upper Deck offense slogged through the last inning like they drank too many Mai Tais. Many in the stands thought it was prudent at this point to fold up their tents and head home, but they foolishly decided to hang out and play game two, much to the chagrin of Luke, Drew and Joshua.
Game One
Upper Dorks 0 2 3 2 0 0 0—7
Champs 6 2 1 1 2 1 x—13
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Champs Take Care Of Business: Raze Upper Deck - Part 3
8/15/2011
Game Two
Not wanting their puppet stage in center field to go to waste, the YMCA decided to hire a umpire mime for this game. It made things a bit difficult to say the least, and poor Court got the brunt of it when Tyler drilled a foul ball, Marcel Marceau said nothing so Courtney, knowing that foul balls are “called” and fair ones aren’t, ran like a gazelle from first to third where she discovered that the ball was, indeed, foul. Mime ump merely said that he thought “it was obvious.” Tee also had to enlighten him to the mysteries of the 1 and 1 count which, to our peanut-sized brains, proved just how stupid that rule that is.
Anyways, Coach Lyn was workin’ hard, keeping everything “the same” for the second game, though Mattie took matters into his own hands and grayboxed himself for the first two innings. Truthfully, if he went out and painted the whole YMCA and paved both parking lots he wouldn’t have missed anything as the Ducks sleepwalked through the first THREE innings.
Game two started out auspiciously for the Ducks as they went 1-2-3 right out of the gate, while their opponents went bleeder, bad hop (giving Brainguy a haircut) error, ding, one run. The Champs went ahead in the second, even with an anemic offense, thanks to the tandem of Court and Tee along with a shocking two run double by McDuff.
The Webfoot defense let one run squeak across in the second but thanks to The Ancient One’s fantastic, run saving, spine busting catch in right, the game remained tied at two.
Hitting the ball on the screws didn’t seem to be working for the Ducks, as they went a feeble 1-2-3 AGAIN in the third. They would end up trailing at the end of the inning, no thanks to Ralph who went for a force at third that just wasn’t there (Cheesie said as much). The Champs ended the UD inning and more importantly, the significant part of the Upper Deck scoring, with a nifty little 5 to 6 to 1 Wac-A-Mole out.
In the top of the fourth, the Waterfowl hitters finally broke out their corked bats. Brainguy singled and so did Lyn…uh and so did Heini…and ahem, so did Christine! Mattie lined a pea to the third baseperson (hint: Take a look at Mike’s swinging bunt: hitting the ball hard just doesn’t work!) and Court flew out to left center. Our man Tyler blasted a Herman Munster-type shot (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oGQwUS73pVg at 2:50) way the hell foul in left which took out a two hundred year old redwood and also the virgin ears of anyone within a 20 miles radius thanks to his deity-shattering expletive (see you in Hell, buddy boy). God punished the Big Goof by letting him hit JUST a single, after he took another Paul Bunyonesque swing. Kathy walked and Babe The Blue Ox shocked the world into a coma with yet another hit with people on. Our Lil’ E extended the inning by pulling her hands in and having her mighty abdominal muscles a single up the (gasp) middle. This pushed the Ducks up by four and thoroughly evaporated Upper Deck’s one and only lead of the season.
Not wanting their puppet stage in center field to go to waste, the YMCA decided to hire a umpire mime for this game. It made things a bit difficult to say the least, and poor Court got the brunt of it when Tyler drilled a foul ball, Marcel Marceau said nothing so Courtney, knowing that foul balls are “called” and fair ones aren’t, ran like a gazelle from first to third where she discovered that the ball was, indeed, foul. Mime ump merely said that he thought “it was obvious.” Tee also had to enlighten him to the mysteries of the 1 and 1 count which, to our peanut-sized brains, proved just how stupid that rule that is.
Anyways, Coach Lyn was workin’ hard, keeping everything “the same” for the second game, though Mattie took matters into his own hands and grayboxed himself for the first two innings. Truthfully, if he went out and painted the whole YMCA and paved both parking lots he wouldn’t have missed anything as the Ducks sleepwalked through the first THREE innings.
Game two started out auspiciously for the Ducks as they went 1-2-3 right out of the gate, while their opponents went bleeder, bad hop (giving Brainguy a haircut) error, ding, one run. The Champs went ahead in the second, even with an anemic offense, thanks to the tandem of Court and Tee along with a shocking two run double by McDuff.
The Webfoot defense let one run squeak across in the second but thanks to The Ancient One’s fantastic, run saving, spine busting catch in right, the game remained tied at two.
Hitting the ball on the screws didn’t seem to be working for the Ducks, as they went a feeble 1-2-3 AGAIN in the third. They would end up trailing at the end of the inning, no thanks to Ralph who went for a force at third that just wasn’t there (Cheesie said as much). The Champs ended the UD inning and more importantly, the significant part of the Upper Deck scoring, with a nifty little 5 to 6 to 1 Wac-A-Mole out.
In the top of the fourth, the Waterfowl hitters finally broke out their corked bats. Brainguy singled and so did Lyn…uh and so did Heini…and ahem, so did Christine! Mattie lined a pea to the third baseperson (hint: Take a look at Mike’s swinging bunt: hitting the ball hard just doesn’t work!) and Court flew out to left center. Our man Tyler blasted a Herman Munster-type shot (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oGQwUS73pVg at 2:50) way the hell foul in left which took out a two hundred year old redwood and also the virgin ears of anyone within a 20 miles radius thanks to his deity-shattering expletive (see you in Hell, buddy boy). God punished the Big Goof by letting him hit JUST a single, after he took another Paul Bunyonesque swing. Kathy walked and Babe The Blue Ox shocked the world into a coma with yet another hit with people on. Our Lil’ E extended the inning by pulling her hands in and having her mighty abdominal muscles a single up the (gasp) middle. This pushed the Ducks up by four and thoroughly evaporated Upper Deck’s one and only lead of the season.
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Champs Take Care Of Business: Raze Upper Deck - Part 4
8/15/2011
The Quacker defense closed down the Pervs quickly in the fourth, thanks in part to Coach’s cat-like reflexes behind the plate and Timmay’s cheetah-like speed in left.
Then it was time to whack that pill again in the fifth with singles by Mike and Brainguy and an “I stuck my butt out further this time” walk by Ze Coach (she said it, we didn’t). Heini flew out, which thrilled Ralph to no end as he had to keep running for the crippled Quackers (does that mean Ralph gets all the runs that he “scored” as Heini and Tyler? I bet he finagles it that way). Three straight big hits with two outs by Christine, Mattie and Courtney cubed some runs, and T-Rex, in a KEY MOMENT, flew out with the bases jammed…JAMMED we tell you. Oh well, give the kid a break since he was playing with a bum ankle (and playing better than most guys sporting THREE good ankles).
A quick 1-2-3 inning got the Buoys and Gulls of Duckdom instantly back to the bat rack, but they whizzed the inning down their legs, posting a big fat zeeeeeeeeer-ro.
The Upper Deckians did no better, even though catcher Christine decided that saving her bridgework was more important than diving into the backstop for a pop up. Erika, who demanded to be taken out of the lineup after booting a couple of grounders, lassoed a tough one to her left, and had Kathy save her bacon by snaring her sailing throw at second (it’s just marriage screwin’ with your skills Erika, ‘tis all).
The Champs finally had enough playtime, and decided it was time to get the hell home. Brainguy, who is taking his show on the road next week, doubled to lead things off. Lyn singled, but got forced at second by the aching foot of Heini. Christine walked, Mattie singled and then…wait for it…Courtney TRIPLED to right, as her perfectly placed liner squirted away from Neal and rolled all the way to the net. She probably COULD have scored, but settled for three, not wanting to piss off her big bro, Tyler (who singled her home by the way). After a Kathy fly out, McDuff singled and his body flop into second had astronomers frantically looking for where the asteroid hit. Erika followed with a single and Timmay proved his worth at the plate with a double and by golly before you knew it, the Ducks took the field sporting a 13 run lead (wow, how did THAT happen?).
Neal’s team got three useless runs in their final at bat of the summer season, as the Ducks broke out the hand sanitizer and hazmat suits to protect themselves as they navigated the Perv’s “after game” line.
Again, the finals beckon. “Can’t wait til Vegas, uh sorry I mean we have to play a lot better next Sunday…and find a new shortstop,” mentioned Coach Lyn to no one in particular at all. Her players aren’t stupid (well…), they know how much this team means to Mama Duck and will do just about anything (hotel rooms, frosting, moneymaker-shaking, Tyler playing short, sitting on the damned bench oops sorry), to give her another title.
Only two games left to win.
Hey why the zark not?
Game Two
Champs 0 2 0 5 3 0 7—17
Upper Pervs 1 1 1 0 0 1 3—7
Then it was time to whack that pill again in the fifth with singles by Mike and Brainguy and an “I stuck my butt out further this time” walk by Ze Coach (she said it, we didn’t). Heini flew out, which thrilled Ralph to no end as he had to keep running for the crippled Quackers (does that mean Ralph gets all the runs that he “scored” as Heini and Tyler? I bet he finagles it that way). Three straight big hits with two outs by Christine, Mattie and Courtney cubed some runs, and T-Rex, in a KEY MOMENT, flew out with the bases jammed…JAMMED we tell you. Oh well, give the kid a break since he was playing with a bum ankle (and playing better than most guys sporting THREE good ankles).
A quick 1-2-3 inning got the Buoys and Gulls of Duckdom instantly back to the bat rack, but they whizzed the inning down their legs, posting a big fat zeeeeeeeeer-ro.
The Upper Deckians did no better, even though catcher Christine decided that saving her bridgework was more important than diving into the backstop for a pop up. Erika, who demanded to be taken out of the lineup after booting a couple of grounders, lassoed a tough one to her left, and had Kathy save her bacon by snaring her sailing throw at second (it’s just marriage screwin’ with your skills Erika, ‘tis all).
The Champs finally had enough playtime, and decided it was time to get the hell home. Brainguy, who is taking his show on the road next week, doubled to lead things off. Lyn singled, but got forced at second by the aching foot of Heini. Christine walked, Mattie singled and then…wait for it…Courtney TRIPLED to right, as her perfectly placed liner squirted away from Neal and rolled all the way to the net. She probably COULD have scored, but settled for three, not wanting to piss off her big bro, Tyler (who singled her home by the way). After a Kathy fly out, McDuff singled and his body flop into second had astronomers frantically looking for where the asteroid hit. Erika followed with a single and Timmay proved his worth at the plate with a double and by golly before you knew it, the Ducks took the field sporting a 13 run lead (wow, how did THAT happen?).
Neal’s team got three useless runs in their final at bat of the summer season, as the Ducks broke out the hand sanitizer and hazmat suits to protect themselves as they navigated the Perv’s “after game” line.
Again, the finals beckon. “Can’t wait til Vegas, uh sorry I mean we have to play a lot better next Sunday…and find a new shortstop,” mentioned Coach Lyn to no one in particular at all. Her players aren’t stupid (well…), they know how much this team means to Mama Duck and will do just about anything (hotel rooms, frosting, moneymaker-shaking, Tyler playing short, sitting on the damned bench oops sorry), to give her another title.
Only two games left to win.
Hey why the zark not?
Game Two
Champs 0 2 0 5 3 0 7—17
Upper Pervs 1 1 1 0 0 1 3—7
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Champs Set The Bar High; Rise Above - Part 1
8/01/2011
YMCA Stadium Home Of The Horseshoe Pit Infield, Foxborough MA—They came, they saw, they conquered, they ate cupcakes.
In the final regular season make-up-of-a-make-up-of-a-make-up-play-out the-string-game, Lyn’s Lame Ducks proved to the dust-caked crowd at the YMCA (lack of) Dome that in the Summer After The Year Of The Duck the Champs indeed “meant business,” parking themselves at the top of the heap since game one and kicking sand in the faces of all comers, finishing their perfect regular season with a groovy 21 to 9 dust dance on the heads of the They-Didn’t-Look-Anything-Like-Themselves Bar Factory.
“Yep, dancing on your knees wigglin’ the pelvis,” was Coach Lyn’s take on the subject, which got everyone’s undivided attention. She was obviously talking about her “Undefeated Regular Season Dance,” and the gathering throng of fans were hoping that the rest of the Duck chicks would clamor to the top of the bleachers and shake their tail feathers with abandon, ala the girls on the float in “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off,” but alas, no such luck.
“Yah, eet woulda been a yooo tooobe sen-sayshun!” said an unidentified left center fielder.
Perhaps Heini might consider the Duck Chicks performing that dance to raise money as opposed to his golf tournament. Hey, just a thought.
Last night, the usually crowded Champs lineup only scraped together a contingent of 11 going into the game, with a few late arrivals guaranteeing PLENTY of grayboxing for themselves in the games ahead, and guaranteeing a few more gray hairs for the stewing Coach. After yet ANOTHER delay where Bar Factory recruited the Y’s Tim for their team, the game mercifully began with Brainguy…taking a walk. Coach Lyn, not getting as much razzing support from her fellow Duck Chicks as is their custom, was disappointed and popped to third. Eric then doinged his first of three triples off the foul pole in left. Since the ball never made it to the woods, E probably should’ve been able to run with abandon, but due to the fact that The Umpire With The Romulan Salute warned both benches earlier that he was a fried egg because he’d been umpiring since 8:30 ay em and that his calls might go south, no one bothered to complain (except the annoying McDuff). The inning continued as Courtney took a stroll, Heini singled, Kathy and McDuff walked the primrose path, then the North Adams Farm Girl, batting with her hated count of two strikes, smacked a single to left. Timmay was walked (and that’s FIVE walks in the inning if you’re counting and even if you’re not), Matt blew a sac fly opportunity and lined out to third, then Ralph walked. No wait, he didn’t. He claimed he “swung” at ball four even though a judge and 12 jurors said he didn’t so half of the crowd assumed Ralph was just being difficult while the other half figured he was just being a lunkhead. In the end, he was probably just trying to pad his RBI stats, as he singled home McDuff and Erika thanks in part to Timmay becoming a pickled Duck between second and third, but staying in the brine long enough to let Lil’ E score.
With their whole unblemished season lying like a Mecca in the distance in the Gobi Desert of their minds (and not wanting to get Coach mad), the Ducks put their defensive thinking caps on and held Bar Factory to one run in the first to make the score 6 to 1.
In the second, the estimable Brainguy, his average spiraling down ever since we mentioned he was hitting the gross national product of Lichtenstein, popped to short. Lyn, finally sticking her butt out at the proper angle and intensity, doubled to the OPPOSITE FIELD. After Courtney shook HER moneymaker and singled, Heini scored Coach on a single of his own to give the Ducks a 7 to 1 lead.
“I gots a hoochie outfit for Vegas!” winked Coach as she crossed the plate.
Uh huh.
In the final regular season make-up-of-a-make-up-of-a-make-up-play-out the-string-game, Lyn’s Lame Ducks proved to the dust-caked crowd at the YMCA (lack of) Dome that in the Summer After The Year Of The Duck the Champs indeed “meant business,” parking themselves at the top of the heap since game one and kicking sand in the faces of all comers, finishing their perfect regular season with a groovy 21 to 9 dust dance on the heads of the They-Didn’t-Look-Anything-Like-Themselves Bar Factory.
“Yep, dancing on your knees wigglin’ the pelvis,” was Coach Lyn’s take on the subject, which got everyone’s undivided attention. She was obviously talking about her “Undefeated Regular Season Dance,” and the gathering throng of fans were hoping that the rest of the Duck chicks would clamor to the top of the bleachers and shake their tail feathers with abandon, ala the girls on the float in “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off,” but alas, no such luck.
“Yah, eet woulda been a yooo tooobe sen-sayshun!” said an unidentified left center fielder.
Perhaps Heini might consider the Duck Chicks performing that dance to raise money as opposed to his golf tournament. Hey, just a thought.
Last night, the usually crowded Champs lineup only scraped together a contingent of 11 going into the game, with a few late arrivals guaranteeing PLENTY of grayboxing for themselves in the games ahead, and guaranteeing a few more gray hairs for the stewing Coach. After yet ANOTHER delay where Bar Factory recruited the Y’s Tim for their team, the game mercifully began with Brainguy…taking a walk. Coach Lyn, not getting as much razzing support from her fellow Duck Chicks as is their custom, was disappointed and popped to third. Eric then doinged his first of three triples off the foul pole in left. Since the ball never made it to the woods, E probably should’ve been able to run with abandon, but due to the fact that The Umpire With The Romulan Salute warned both benches earlier that he was a fried egg because he’d been umpiring since 8:30 ay em and that his calls might go south, no one bothered to complain (except the annoying McDuff). The inning continued as Courtney took a stroll, Heini singled, Kathy and McDuff walked the primrose path, then the North Adams Farm Girl, batting with her hated count of two strikes, smacked a single to left. Timmay was walked (and that’s FIVE walks in the inning if you’re counting and even if you’re not), Matt blew a sac fly opportunity and lined out to third, then Ralph walked. No wait, he didn’t. He claimed he “swung” at ball four even though a judge and 12 jurors said he didn’t so half of the crowd assumed Ralph was just being difficult while the other half figured he was just being a lunkhead. In the end, he was probably just trying to pad his RBI stats, as he singled home McDuff and Erika thanks in part to Timmay becoming a pickled Duck between second and third, but staying in the brine long enough to let Lil’ E score.
With their whole unblemished season lying like a Mecca in the distance in the Gobi Desert of their minds (and not wanting to get Coach mad), the Ducks put their defensive thinking caps on and held Bar Factory to one run in the first to make the score 6 to 1.
In the second, the estimable Brainguy, his average spiraling down ever since we mentioned he was hitting the gross national product of Lichtenstein, popped to short. Lyn, finally sticking her butt out at the proper angle and intensity, doubled to the OPPOSITE FIELD. After Courtney shook HER moneymaker and singled, Heini scored Coach on a single of his own to give the Ducks a 7 to 1 lead.
“I gots a hoochie outfit for Vegas!” winked Coach as she crossed the plate.
Uh huh.
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Champs Set The Bar High; Rise Above - Part 2
8/01/2011
Bar Factory profited from some shoddy Quacker fielding in the second. Well, maybe “shoddy” isn’t quite the right word: ticky-tacky maybe? At any rate, E looked like one of those Table Hockey goalies, moving constantly to his right and left for irritating ground balls. Meanwhile Timmay in left center looked like one of those foosball players, spinning aimlessly and missing a bad-bounce grounder that resulted in three BarF runs. “Lost it in the sun” was the Boy’s reply (Um, you DO know what the sun looks like, right?). This cut the Duck lead to three, and the little BarFlies were getting psyched. This psychness was derailed like a bunch of Union Pacific coal cars in Dennison the next inning when Our Heroes stormed out with three straight singles and two monster triples by Brainguy and E to put up a cinco de mayo and giving the Champs an 11 to 4 lead.
The Factory tried to manufacture a big inning in their half of the third, but a brilliant throw by Brainguy from left, sizzled past the I-Want-NOTHING-To-Do-With-This-Throw Farm Girl at third and bocce-rolled perfectly to Lyn at the plate who tagged out the shocked BarF runner by sixteen country miles. Thus endeth the threat.
Coach came to the bench and related to everyone that she was getting some “action” from the ump whenever she stood up a bit to spring like a CAT after the BarF chick’s little rollers. “I stand up and I get a little MRRRRF,” said Ms. Atkinson gesturing with her fanny (Editors note: that’s as close as we can get to spelling the sound she made).
The Waterfowl speedsters made their presence known in the Duck fourth: Kathy went hellbent for leather turning her single into a double, then McDuff singled her home. Erika flew out then Timmay came to the plate. The Fastest Person On The Team singled as McDuff, running with the continent of Australia on his back, scored from…first?? Usually Tim would’ve rounded the bases six times in that allotted time, but it seems he “ran into” some difficulty while trying to round first base, thanks to the Factory’s First Base Chick insisting on “holding the bag,” even on hits to the outfield. As Mattie lined out, the buzzing on the bench consisted of “HOW does Mr. Plodding score from FIRST and Timmay just get a single??” Kathy explained it as she ran out to her position saying that Our Man Tim “went down” at/on first. A gutter-minded Coach Lyn turned a beautiful shade of crimson and totally cracked up while McDuff, taking a swig of his Big Gulp, did a spit take.
Oh my (ala George Takei [look it up!]).
The Factory tried to manufacture a big inning in their half of the third, but a brilliant throw by Brainguy from left, sizzled past the I-Want-NOTHING-To-Do-With-This-Throw Farm Girl at third and bocce-rolled perfectly to Lyn at the plate who tagged out the shocked BarF runner by sixteen country miles. Thus endeth the threat.
Coach came to the bench and related to everyone that she was getting some “action” from the ump whenever she stood up a bit to spring like a CAT after the BarF chick’s little rollers. “I stand up and I get a little MRRRRF,” said Ms. Atkinson gesturing with her fanny (Editors note: that’s as close as we can get to spelling the sound she made).
The Waterfowl speedsters made their presence known in the Duck fourth: Kathy went hellbent for leather turning her single into a double, then McDuff singled her home. Erika flew out then Timmay came to the plate. The Fastest Person On The Team singled as McDuff, running with the continent of Australia on his back, scored from…first?? Usually Tim would’ve rounded the bases six times in that allotted time, but it seems he “ran into” some difficulty while trying to round first base, thanks to the Factory’s First Base Chick insisting on “holding the bag,” even on hits to the outfield. As Mattie lined out, the buzzing on the bench consisted of “HOW does Mr. Plodding score from FIRST and Timmay just get a single??” Kathy explained it as she ran out to her position saying that Our Man Tim “went down” at/on first. A gutter-minded Coach Lyn turned a beautiful shade of crimson and totally cracked up while McDuff, taking a swig of his Big Gulp, did a spit take.
Oh my (ala George Takei [look it up!]).
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Champs Set The Bar High; Rise Above - Part 3
8/01/2011
The bottom of the fourth showed a revenge-minded Courtney getting back at Ralph’s “It’s Not A Ball, I Swung” fiasco by dropping an easy throw from the pitcher, while on the opposite side of the diamond, Eric, after making a great stop to his right, went to throw to Cheesie at third for a tag play but she was too busy sitting in her chaise, chowing down on some BBQ ribs. To her credit, Sleepy Time Gal recovered in time to make the play, though the ball remained sticky for the rest of the contest (Shut up Mattie).
Time continued to slog on in what seemed to be the Longest Game Ever Played. The Triple Boys (Brainguy and E) did their thing in the fifth with Courtney planting Eric, oops sorry that was supposed to be PLATing Eric from third with two outs.
The Duck defense stayed mellow, thanks in part to a nice running catch on a screaming liner by Timmay in left center and a nifty stab of yet another screamer by Cheesie. The Quacker lead was kept at a solid seven, baby.
The teams also did the we-score-two-you-score-one jig in the sixth, with the Ducks getting both their runs courtesy of a Timmay double and we THINK a two base error as everyone ignored the travels of the ball and instead watched with rapt attention to see if Timmay would be performing any shenanigans with the BarF firstbasechick. The answer was “no” and most of the lunging crowd were disappointed.
BarF got their exciting widget of a run thanks to…something, as folks really weren’t paying much attention at this point, but it did roll the tally board to 18 to 9 Champs.
Both Brainguy and Eric broke up their triple-string in the seventh, with the former flying out and the latter doubling. Luckily Lyn was on second thanks to a double of her own and scored easily. The Famous Science Fiction Writer’s RBI single rounded out the scoring for the night for both teams, as Bar Factory shut off the lights and locked the doors in their half of the frame and the Champs emerged victorious with their moralities intact (well, SOME of them anyways).
Now, it’s the beginning of the “second season,” as the undefeated Ducks open their roadshow against the icky perv and his groping group of Upper Deckians. In the past, the Ducks-Sullivans-Century21ers-DiamondDawgs-BoxSeats have gone belly up like the USS Poseidon in the playoffs after a wonderful regular season. We’re sure Coach Lyn won’t let that happen with THIS group. After all, as the North Adams Farm Girl aptly put it, “I love the smell of pine tar, gasoline and cow sh*t!”
And that smells like victory to us sweetiekins.
CHAMPS 6 1 5 2 2 2 3—21
BAR FACTORY 1 3 1 2 1 1 0—9
Time continued to slog on in what seemed to be the Longest Game Ever Played. The Triple Boys (Brainguy and E) did their thing in the fifth with Courtney planting Eric, oops sorry that was supposed to be PLATing Eric from third with two outs.
The Duck defense stayed mellow, thanks in part to a nice running catch on a screaming liner by Timmay in left center and a nifty stab of yet another screamer by Cheesie. The Quacker lead was kept at a solid seven, baby.
The teams also did the we-score-two-you-score-one jig in the sixth, with the Ducks getting both their runs courtesy of a Timmay double and we THINK a two base error as everyone ignored the travels of the ball and instead watched with rapt attention to see if Timmay would be performing any shenanigans with the BarF firstbasechick. The answer was “no” and most of the lunging crowd were disappointed.
BarF got their exciting widget of a run thanks to…something, as folks really weren’t paying much attention at this point, but it did roll the tally board to 18 to 9 Champs.
Both Brainguy and Eric broke up their triple-string in the seventh, with the former flying out and the latter doubling. Luckily Lyn was on second thanks to a double of her own and scored easily. The Famous Science Fiction Writer’s RBI single rounded out the scoring for the night for both teams, as Bar Factory shut off the lights and locked the doors in their half of the frame and the Champs emerged victorious with their moralities intact (well, SOME of them anyways).
Now, it’s the beginning of the “second season,” as the undefeated Ducks open their roadshow against the icky perv and his groping group of Upper Deckians. In the past, the Ducks-Sullivans-Century21ers-DiamondDawgs-BoxSeats have gone belly up like the USS Poseidon in the playoffs after a wonderful regular season. We’re sure Coach Lyn won’t let that happen with THIS group. After all, as the North Adams Farm Girl aptly put it, “I love the smell of pine tar, gasoline and cow sh*t!”
And that smells like victory to us sweetiekins.
CHAMPS 6 1 5 2 2 2 3—21
BAR FACTORY 1 3 1 2 1 1 0—9
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Champs �Sea� Bass; Kick Ass - Part 1
7/18/2011
YMCA Stadium Home Of The Infield That Is Trying To Kill You, Foxborough MA—In yet another example of how to win games while comatose, Lyn’s Lame Ducks hooked their quarry early, then dined on the succulent filet of a 18 to 3 victory over the ‘B’ Division’s floundering Sea Bass.
“Shorter games, means drinkin’ earlier!” enthused Coach Lyn, much to the chagrin of the grayboxers who were scheduled to be “in” during the final two innings.
The pre-game chatter tended to be more interesting than the game, what with Lyn complaining about Neal’s team STILL PLAYING at a quarter past eight (desperately using The Umpire With The Romulan Salute as first baseman no less and losing regardless, tee hee) and the just hitched Erika showing off her tan line wedding band and telling anyone who would listen how “The wedding was at ten, and my dress was off by ten-thirty” (wow, what kind of drinks do they serve there?).
Eventually though, Tyler arrived and suddenly, the game was set to start. As much as we have to give credit to Prodigies (as they were known on the schedule, but Sea Bass is what it said on the unis) for showing up to play (hello T.G.I.Friday’s) they were one woman short which took away any drama there was about the Bass pulling off a major upset (okay, we lied: there was NO DRAMA AT ALL, period).
First inning up and no food for the fish. Coach Lyn proves she’s the hot chick by making a nice running catch on a fly ball headed for no-man’s (or woman’s) land.
In their half of the first, Brainguy kept his hitless streak going with a pop to the woman in right, Lyn took a stroll, E flew out for out number two, but the inning was saved thanks to a hard hit single by Kathy, a harder hit double by Mattie and a heat-seeker down the first base line by Christine which gave the Ducks an 8 to 0 lead.
As the no-hitter went by the wayside in the second, McDuff decided to put himself in a first-third jam by trying to force the umpire to call the “black” on the plate for a strike, which of course he didn’t. The Big Clod somehow got out of the inning without giving up a run.
The Sea Bass implored a “shift” at certain times throughout the game, putting four in the outfield while keeping only three in the infield but this turned out to be as effective as The Rhythm Method. The first of the Fish’s three errors got the inning started, then Timmay doinked a double, beating the shift. The Big Goof hit a satellite to the left field pavilion that the left fielder dropped. Tyler was lollygagging to first and didn’t seem to go any faster even though Kathy was screaming at him to “Run it out!” K taught the Giraffe a “lesson” by scoring his hit as a BIG ERROR, ruining his already feeble batting average (so there). Ralphie singled, then Brainguy got out of his funk with a double and the Ducks scored four to lead by an “isn’t this dull?” score of 12 to 0.
Still no breakthrough for the Bass in the third, even though the Ducks tossed the ball around a bit and Ralph, chasing down an errant throw, used the Sea Bass first base coach as a speed brake/drag chute.
The deuces were wild for the Quackers in the third, scoring two runs on two walks, two singles and two sac flies (nice try but Mattie had one of the walks). Courtney almost fried the Bass center fielder with a power rip, but he reached up, got lucky and juggled it for the catch.
“Shorter games, means drinkin’ earlier!” enthused Coach Lyn, much to the chagrin of the grayboxers who were scheduled to be “in” during the final two innings.
The pre-game chatter tended to be more interesting than the game, what with Lyn complaining about Neal’s team STILL PLAYING at a quarter past eight (desperately using The Umpire With The Romulan Salute as first baseman no less and losing regardless, tee hee) and the just hitched Erika showing off her tan line wedding band and telling anyone who would listen how “The wedding was at ten, and my dress was off by ten-thirty” (wow, what kind of drinks do they serve there?).
Eventually though, Tyler arrived and suddenly, the game was set to start. As much as we have to give credit to Prodigies (as they were known on the schedule, but Sea Bass is what it said on the unis) for showing up to play (hello T.G.I.Friday’s) they were one woman short which took away any drama there was about the Bass pulling off a major upset (okay, we lied: there was NO DRAMA AT ALL, period).
First inning up and no food for the fish. Coach Lyn proves she’s the hot chick by making a nice running catch on a fly ball headed for no-man’s (or woman’s) land.
In their half of the first, Brainguy kept his hitless streak going with a pop to the woman in right, Lyn took a stroll, E flew out for out number two, but the inning was saved thanks to a hard hit single by Kathy, a harder hit double by Mattie and a heat-seeker down the first base line by Christine which gave the Ducks an 8 to 0 lead.
As the no-hitter went by the wayside in the second, McDuff decided to put himself in a first-third jam by trying to force the umpire to call the “black” on the plate for a strike, which of course he didn’t. The Big Clod somehow got out of the inning without giving up a run.
The Sea Bass implored a “shift” at certain times throughout the game, putting four in the outfield while keeping only three in the infield but this turned out to be as effective as The Rhythm Method. The first of the Fish’s three errors got the inning started, then Timmay doinked a double, beating the shift. The Big Goof hit a satellite to the left field pavilion that the left fielder dropped. Tyler was lollygagging to first and didn’t seem to go any faster even though Kathy was screaming at him to “Run it out!” K taught the Giraffe a “lesson” by scoring his hit as a BIG ERROR, ruining his already feeble batting average (so there). Ralphie singled, then Brainguy got out of his funk with a double and the Ducks scored four to lead by an “isn’t this dull?” score of 12 to 0.
Still no breakthrough for the Bass in the third, even though the Ducks tossed the ball around a bit and Ralph, chasing down an errant throw, used the Sea Bass first base coach as a speed brake/drag chute.
The deuces were wild for the Quackers in the third, scoring two runs on two walks, two singles and two sac flies (nice try but Mattie had one of the walks). Courtney almost fried the Bass center fielder with a power rip, but he reached up, got lucky and juggled it for the catch.
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Champs �Sea� Bass; Kick Ass - Part 2
7/18/2011
Both teams put together a boring fourth inning, although Timmay hit the cutoff (a foreshadowing of events to come!) and Tyler made a nice running catch in left. Tyler also smoked a triple that is still rolling towards Idaho, but he never scored as his teammates sided with Kathy, and stranded him, sobbing, at third.
The shutout was fribbled in the fifth, thanks to the goofball efforts of McDuff in right center (well, he DID offer to catch that inning). The Bass opened with a single, then a fly ball that had the illusion of being stationary, headed towards McDuff. He stood his ground, finally heard someone mention “back!” then with all the grace and dexterity of Oliver Hardy, toppled over like the Stalin Monument in Budapest. Heini indicated that the Weston Observatory alerted the US Geological Survey to this event, as it registered a 5.6 on the Richter scale. Mercifully, the Left Field Pavilion, porta-potties and the center field puppet stage escaped any damage. Two runs crossed the plate on this bit of “circus” as Coach Lyn called it. Timmay then caught the virus, dropping a fading line drive. He winged it towards second, where Brainguy actually cut it off even though the runner would’ve certainly been out by at least three feet. BG AND Lyn claimed they heard a “female voice” say “cut it!” although further review indicates that it was probably Courtney yelling something about “hotel room.” The upshot of all this is that Sea Bass closed within, gasp, eleven!
The bottom of the fifth trundled in, with the Champs needing only four measly runs to start drinkin’! Lyn, knowing this VERY fact, (AND hearing the famous “Shake Your Moneymaker” line) tomahawked a double to the gap (ahem, unlike YOUR girls, Sea Bass, the Duck chicks can HIT the ball FAR). Eric singled her to third (with Ralph saying he would’ve sent Lyn if she “had more speed”). Kathy then de-covered the ball for a single, Mattie and Christine (still woozy from a day of plunging towards the Earth) singled, and Heini, who dined on much fish Saturday night, noodled in the winning run with his cast up the middle. There is still no proof that the great white whale was sighted in the outfield, but a white van with folks "from the home" was (they might've had a better time staying home).
So now only two weeks after the All-Star Break, the last game of the regular season approcheth (we’ve heard of the low minors playing a “short season” before but this is ridiculous). Time for the Champs keep it together and a) run the table and b) gear up for the playoffs!
And that ain’t no fish tale.
SEA BASS 0 0 0 0 3—3
CHAMPS (+5) 3 4 2 0 4—18
The shutout was fribbled in the fifth, thanks to the goofball efforts of McDuff in right center (well, he DID offer to catch that inning). The Bass opened with a single, then a fly ball that had the illusion of being stationary, headed towards McDuff. He stood his ground, finally heard someone mention “back!” then with all the grace and dexterity of Oliver Hardy, toppled over like the Stalin Monument in Budapest. Heini indicated that the Weston Observatory alerted the US Geological Survey to this event, as it registered a 5.6 on the Richter scale. Mercifully, the Left Field Pavilion, porta-potties and the center field puppet stage escaped any damage. Two runs crossed the plate on this bit of “circus” as Coach Lyn called it. Timmay then caught the virus, dropping a fading line drive. He winged it towards second, where Brainguy actually cut it off even though the runner would’ve certainly been out by at least three feet. BG AND Lyn claimed they heard a “female voice” say “cut it!” although further review indicates that it was probably Courtney yelling something about “hotel room.” The upshot of all this is that Sea Bass closed within, gasp, eleven!
The bottom of the fifth trundled in, with the Champs needing only four measly runs to start drinkin’! Lyn, knowing this VERY fact, (AND hearing the famous “Shake Your Moneymaker” line) tomahawked a double to the gap (ahem, unlike YOUR girls, Sea Bass, the Duck chicks can HIT the ball FAR). Eric singled her to third (with Ralph saying he would’ve sent Lyn if she “had more speed”). Kathy then de-covered the ball for a single, Mattie and Christine (still woozy from a day of plunging towards the Earth) singled, and Heini, who dined on much fish Saturday night, noodled in the winning run with his cast up the middle. There is still no proof that the great white whale was sighted in the outfield, but a white van with folks "from the home" was (they might've had a better time staying home).
So now only two weeks after the All-Star Break, the last game of the regular season approcheth (we’ve heard of the low minors playing a “short season” before but this is ridiculous). Time for the Champs keep it together and a) run the table and b) gear up for the playoffs!
And that ain’t no fish tale.
SEA BASS 0 0 0 0 3—3
CHAMPS (+5) 3 4 2 0 4—18
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Here�s The Scoop: Champs Sunday Sundae A Real Jim Dandy! - Part 1
7/11/2011
YMCA Stadium Home Of No Shade At All, Foxborough MA—On a blistering Summer Sunday, Lyn’s Lame Ducks went from bore to soar, pounding Bob & Carol & Ted & Alice 27 to 6 in game one, then showing their championship pedigree by coming back late and sneaking by Team Stabbin’ 14 to 11 in game two.
“Um, hello?” was OUR only comment, as Coach Lyn vanished like a mirage immediately after the game, having to take care of some disheartening business.
“Frosting!” was the only quote we got out of her spokesperson, Courtney.
Whatever.
Before the game, the Champs were their usual worried selves, talking about everything BUT the approaching contests, with Heini leading the pack, waxing poetic about the Women’s World Cup to anyone who would care to listen (We’ll admit we watched a full ten minutes of the USA match versus Sweden, just to see exactly how many long haired blondes were playing for that Scandinavian country…and for the record, it looked like 7 out of 11, although one of them had short blonde hair). He was interrupted by the highlight of the game (which hadn’t even started at that point) as Lyn’s sister Paula, the Pink One, arrived, lugging her five-month old cutie, Sophie. After they made the rounds and Lyn was about to hold the child, she was grudgingly called to get her team out on the field.
The lackadaisical nature of the game was most apparent in the top of the first, as Heini parachuted a throw to Court at first and Lyn, keeping in the spirit of the World Cup, booted a grounder. As the Ducks trotted in, they found themselves behind, 3 to 0. Not to worry, little Sophie (resplendent in her Fort Zinderneuf hat), the Quackers had a plan. Brainguy and Auntie Lyn singled, bringing up Eric. With the bench imploring him to “tie it,” E obliged with a zinger to the gap that rolled to Newfoundland. It was at this point that most of the burgeoning crowd noticed something a bit strange in the field: Indeed, it seems that John & Ed's figured it best to take on the Champs with only two women on the team, nine in the field, and a TEN RUN hole. Now these folks would be hard pressed to stay competitive with Wohrle’s Meats, a team from Pittsfield’s west Little League let alone the 2010 Summer and Frostbite Champs, but we guess THEY had a plan too (yes, their plan was to lose immediately and get out of the sun!).
At any rate, after E cleared the bases, the Ducks filled them again with two walks and a single by Heini who needed a runner but got Umpire Dan confused since the “last man out” to run for him was…no one. Everyone looked for Paula to substitute just for old time’s sake, but she had mysteriously vanished (she always told us she was smart). Oh well, someone ran, someone scored at it was 15 to 3 after one.
The Ducks slogged across three more in the second, boosting their drama-less lead to 18 to 3. E made a great catch in the third, running like hell for a fly ball that no one, not even he, was supposed to get. The visitors applauded him for his effort but were shocked into submission after finding out he was the SHORTSTOP. Yeh, so what’s the problem? Oh, we get it: your shortstop has the range of a concrete abutment.
Things got snoozy at this point until the Champs decided yes it was hot so yes it was time to end this thing. Five straight singles (Mike, Brainguy, Lyn, E, Christine), a fielder’s choice, then six more singles and a sac fly (no, Mattie was NOT in attendance) put the Ducks up by a dizzying 27 to 3.
Everyone got their abacus out to see how much Joe & Frederica had to score in order to keep things going (10 runs). Bobby and Timmay must’ve wanted to keep playing as their Alphonse-Gaston routine in left gave away two runs, but then Bobby stuck out his tongue and called off Timmay on EVERYTHING, finishing one of the more duller games you’d care to not see. Ever. Again.
Game One
JOHN & ED’S 3 0 1 0 2—6
CHAMPS (+10) 5 3 0 9 x—27
“Um, hello?” was OUR only comment, as Coach Lyn vanished like a mirage immediately after the game, having to take care of some disheartening business.
“Frosting!” was the only quote we got out of her spokesperson, Courtney.
Whatever.
Before the game, the Champs were their usual worried selves, talking about everything BUT the approaching contests, with Heini leading the pack, waxing poetic about the Women’s World Cup to anyone who would care to listen (We’ll admit we watched a full ten minutes of the USA match versus Sweden, just to see exactly how many long haired blondes were playing for that Scandinavian country…and for the record, it looked like 7 out of 11, although one of them had short blonde hair). He was interrupted by the highlight of the game (which hadn’t even started at that point) as Lyn’s sister Paula, the Pink One, arrived, lugging her five-month old cutie, Sophie. After they made the rounds and Lyn was about to hold the child, she was grudgingly called to get her team out on the field.
The lackadaisical nature of the game was most apparent in the top of the first, as Heini parachuted a throw to Court at first and Lyn, keeping in the spirit of the World Cup, booted a grounder. As the Ducks trotted in, they found themselves behind, 3 to 0. Not to worry, little Sophie (resplendent in her Fort Zinderneuf hat), the Quackers had a plan. Brainguy and Auntie Lyn singled, bringing up Eric. With the bench imploring him to “tie it,” E obliged with a zinger to the gap that rolled to Newfoundland. It was at this point that most of the burgeoning crowd noticed something a bit strange in the field: Indeed, it seems that John & Ed's figured it best to take on the Champs with only two women on the team, nine in the field, and a TEN RUN hole. Now these folks would be hard pressed to stay competitive with Wohrle’s Meats, a team from Pittsfield’s west Little League let alone the 2010 Summer and Frostbite Champs, but we guess THEY had a plan too (yes, their plan was to lose immediately and get out of the sun!).
At any rate, after E cleared the bases, the Ducks filled them again with two walks and a single by Heini who needed a runner but got Umpire Dan confused since the “last man out” to run for him was…no one. Everyone looked for Paula to substitute just for old time’s sake, but she had mysteriously vanished (she always told us she was smart). Oh well, someone ran, someone scored at it was 15 to 3 after one.
The Ducks slogged across three more in the second, boosting their drama-less lead to 18 to 3. E made a great catch in the third, running like hell for a fly ball that no one, not even he, was supposed to get. The visitors applauded him for his effort but were shocked into submission after finding out he was the SHORTSTOP. Yeh, so what’s the problem? Oh, we get it: your shortstop has the range of a concrete abutment.
Things got snoozy at this point until the Champs decided yes it was hot so yes it was time to end this thing. Five straight singles (Mike, Brainguy, Lyn, E, Christine), a fielder’s choice, then six more singles and a sac fly (no, Mattie was NOT in attendance) put the Ducks up by a dizzying 27 to 3.
Everyone got their abacus out to see how much Joe & Frederica had to score in order to keep things going (10 runs). Bobby and Timmay must’ve wanted to keep playing as their Alphonse-Gaston routine in left gave away two runs, but then Bobby stuck out his tongue and called off Timmay on EVERYTHING, finishing one of the more duller games you’d care to not see. Ever. Again.
Game One
JOHN & ED’S 3 0 1 0 2—6
CHAMPS (+10) 5 3 0 9 x—27
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Here�s The Scoop: Champs Sunday Sundae A Real Jim Dandy! - Part 2
7/11/2011
Game two featured a rather tougher opponent than Bart And Lisa’s in Team Stabbin’. There’d be no ten run gift here kiddies.
Shawn’s Team got single runs in the first three innings while Lyn’s Dull Ducks were still dealing with ‘B’ Team Jet Lag, going one-two-three in the first, then one-two-walk-hit-three in the second. The offense got off the hammock in the third, with The Ancient One plating one on a single, Brainguy getting another in on a fielder’s choice and E doing the honors with a single to tie the game.
That tie was as short-lived as an old man with a walker crossing the Ventura Freeway as Robert In Right misplayed a fly ball hit right to him, gift-wrapping yet another Stabbin’ three run lead. We figured Bobby saw the ball like a speeding train across the Texas plains: you can’t really tell how fast it’s going or where it is until it suddenly runs you over.
“I stink” was Bob’s only comment (hee, hee).
Shawn’s Team got single runs in the first three innings while Lyn’s Dull Ducks were still dealing with ‘B’ Team Jet Lag, going one-two-three in the first, then one-two-walk-hit-three in the second. The offense got off the hammock in the third, with The Ancient One plating one on a single, Brainguy getting another in on a fielder’s choice and E doing the honors with a single to tie the game.
That tie was as short-lived as an old man with a walker crossing the Ventura Freeway as Robert In Right misplayed a fly ball hit right to him, gift-wrapping yet another Stabbin’ three run lead. We figured Bobby saw the ball like a speeding train across the Texas plains: you can’t really tell how fast it’s going or where it is until it suddenly runs you over.
“I stink” was Bob’s only comment (hee, hee).
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Here�s The Scoop: Champs Sunday Sundae A Real Jim Dandy! - Part 3
7/11/2011
The Ducks managed to claw back within one as The Wild Man On The Bases turned a single into a double, then scored, running backwards and on all fours on a Heini Hit (no relation to the Heini Hat). McDuff, finally showing up after last game’s dreadful performance, got a hit, allowing the spurned Bobby to get up with two outs and win back a fan with an RBI single (a fan you put in the window that is).
In the top of the fifth, The Fishman played left like a man possessed, making a couple of fine catches (hint: just don’t hit the ball right TO him). Unfortunately, a few just-out-of-reach singles and then some legitimate ropes got Stabbin’ a couple more runs to make it 8-5 before Bobby made his hat trick putout.
The Ducks then dug their championship chops out of the toy box to teach the whippersnappers a lesson. Brainguy lofted a shuttlecock to the pitcher for out number one (after singing his praises last week, the poor bloke went hitless in game two, eesh), and then Coach stepped up to an assortment of verbal hieroglyphics from the Quacker Chicks and spanked a single. A little bit more flogging of the artificial horsehide by E, Christine and Timmay scored two with Heini getting run three home on a I Wish I Were Mattie sac fly.
Tie game.
Top sixth and more trouble ensues. A single, then a grounder to Kathy at deep third who tries to get the force at second but pulls Lyn off the bag sans ball, and Stabbin’ is in business. The Ducks then try yet again to give the game away, as a towering Shawn fly to right clanks of Mike’s glove. Two runs score and for the first time all season long, Our Heroes find themselves trailing in the sixth inning.
But screw you, Greenland.
McDuff and Bobby single. Who’s up? Ralph. RALPH! People are yelling for Ralph. Oh there he is: lounging in his air-conditioned igloo car playing some soft jazz. He quickly doffs his smoking jacket and slippers, steps to the plate and caroms a single. Ye Old Fossil whacks a single (keeping his plums intact) then Brainguy follows with a Mattie Ain’t Even Here sac fly. Lyn steps to the plate and is just given the instruction to “Shake your moneymaker” which she expertly does to the crowds perverted content and fustigates the ball over shortstop. E rockets an opposite field shot which merrily rolls under the glove of one Brian Owens in right, scoring two, then Christine gets E home with a hit of her own. Mad Max Timmay closes out the scoring, netting an RBI on a ho-hum single and just like that, the Ducks go from two down to four up entering the “Oh Crap, McDuff Is Pitching The” seventh.
It starts poorly with a Stabbin’ double, then a ground out, then a run-scoring single to cut the Champs lead to three. Should we panic now? Nah, not until another safety puts two on with one out. Next up, a soft, sinking liner towards Kathy at third. For some reason only the Stabbin’ bench can explain, they yell at the chick on first to “GO!” as Kathy gloves it easily, then shotputs the throw over to Courtney who doubles up the runner who was somewhere near Saskatoon.
Yawn, any other way you need us Ducks to win? Guess not.
It seems like only yesterday when the Champs whanked on Neal And His Gang to open the summer season, and now, there are only two games left: Next Sunday versus the ‘B’ Division’s Prodigies and another match up the next Monday with “we’re playing them again?” Bar Factory. Will they run the regular season table? We don’t know. Why not tune in? It’s not like y’all have anything ELSE to do.
Oh and p.s.: Look up the "Jim Dandy Sundae" reference if you don't understand it, kiddies.
Game Two
STABBIN’ 1 1 1 3 2 2 1—11
CHAMPS 0 0 3 2 3 6 x—14
In the top of the fifth, The Fishman played left like a man possessed, making a couple of fine catches (hint: just don’t hit the ball right TO him). Unfortunately, a few just-out-of-reach singles and then some legitimate ropes got Stabbin’ a couple more runs to make it 8-5 before Bobby made his hat trick putout.
The Ducks then dug their championship chops out of the toy box to teach the whippersnappers a lesson. Brainguy lofted a shuttlecock to the pitcher for out number one (after singing his praises last week, the poor bloke went hitless in game two, eesh), and then Coach stepped up to an assortment of verbal hieroglyphics from the Quacker Chicks and spanked a single. A little bit more flogging of the artificial horsehide by E, Christine and Timmay scored two with Heini getting run three home on a I Wish I Were Mattie sac fly.
Tie game.
Top sixth and more trouble ensues. A single, then a grounder to Kathy at deep third who tries to get the force at second but pulls Lyn off the bag sans ball, and Stabbin’ is in business. The Ducks then try yet again to give the game away, as a towering Shawn fly to right clanks of Mike’s glove. Two runs score and for the first time all season long, Our Heroes find themselves trailing in the sixth inning.
But screw you, Greenland.
McDuff and Bobby single. Who’s up? Ralph. RALPH! People are yelling for Ralph. Oh there he is: lounging in his air-conditioned igloo car playing some soft jazz. He quickly doffs his smoking jacket and slippers, steps to the plate and caroms a single. Ye Old Fossil whacks a single (keeping his plums intact) then Brainguy follows with a Mattie Ain’t Even Here sac fly. Lyn steps to the plate and is just given the instruction to “Shake your moneymaker” which she expertly does to the crowds perverted content and fustigates the ball over shortstop. E rockets an opposite field shot which merrily rolls under the glove of one Brian Owens in right, scoring two, then Christine gets E home with a hit of her own. Mad Max Timmay closes out the scoring, netting an RBI on a ho-hum single and just like that, the Ducks go from two down to four up entering the “Oh Crap, McDuff Is Pitching The” seventh.
It starts poorly with a Stabbin’ double, then a ground out, then a run-scoring single to cut the Champs lead to three. Should we panic now? Nah, not until another safety puts two on with one out. Next up, a soft, sinking liner towards Kathy at third. For some reason only the Stabbin’ bench can explain, they yell at the chick on first to “GO!” as Kathy gloves it easily, then shotputs the throw over to Courtney who doubles up the runner who was somewhere near Saskatoon.
Yawn, any other way you need us Ducks to win? Guess not.
It seems like only yesterday when the Champs whanked on Neal And His Gang to open the summer season, and now, there are only two games left: Next Sunday versus the ‘B’ Division’s Prodigies and another match up the next Monday with “we’re playing them again?” Bar Factory. Will they run the regular season table? We don’t know. Why not tune in? It’s not like y’all have anything ELSE to do.
Oh and p.s.: Look up the "Jim Dandy Sundae" reference if you don't understand it, kiddies.
Game Two
STABBIN’ 1 1 1 3 2 2 1—11
CHAMPS 0 0 3 2 3 6 x—14
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Champs Hang Tough; Take A Bite Outta Stabbinďż˝ - Part 1
7/07/2011
YMCA Stadium Home Of The Wackiest Hops In The Army, Foxborough MA—The night before, Coach Lyn told her Ducks to “put your game faces on” for the first meeting of the season against the new-look Team Stabbin’.
The Champ’s offensive face was good, but their defensive face was brilliant as they put the screws to Shawn’s Merry Crew, 12 to 9.
“Yeah, we got a kick-asser team!” exclaimed Coach Lyn, shamelessly pilfering Christine’s line.
The line may have been plundered, but it’s quite true as the Champs reeled of their tenth win in a row.
With most of the Ducks in their Texas Orange battle dresses and Stabbin’ in their spanking new and very retro Duck-like red t-shirts, the game between the ‘A’ Division titans began…with a bang.
Brainguy, who must be hitting about six thousand, led off with a single and then Lyn walked. E came up and put on his own illegal fireworks show, blasting a home run to the trees in left to put the Champs up by three. The Ducks then loaded the bases with two outs, but the light-hitting McDuff stranded three of his seven runners on the night with a foul fly to left.
Stabbin’ threatened in their half of the first, but a great catch by Stretch in left gave ‘em the Emperor’s thumbs down.
The Champs kept percolating in the second, utilizing an error, fielder’s choice and four hits to put up another three spot. They could’ve pushed more runs across but once again, the Ducks left ‘em loaded (that’s six LOB in two innings if you’re keeping track).
The anticipated Stabbin’ onslaught finally arrived, with hits zipping around the diamond like those annoying mosquitoes. Five would end up on the board so the Champs held a slim 6 to 5 lead after two.
The Duck chicks bested the Duck boys in the third, with Christine and Courtney whacking hits while Mattie, Tyler and the suddenly inept McDuff goofing off and stranding them (that’s five for McDuff if you’re counting).
Stabbin’s Shawn tied the score immediately with a home run to the gap, but that would be it, as the Champs got out of a two on, no out hole thanks again to Tyler who tracked down yet another screaming liner to left.
Lyn’s Waterfowl took the lead for good in the fourth. After a Bob ground out, Timmay singled, Ralph lined out, and Methuselah Mike singled. The table was set for Brainguy, now hitting about the Gross National Product of Liechtenstein, and he doth smite thee ball up thee middle. As Mike chugged into third, so did a perfect throw from the outfield. The third baseman caught it, and quickly swiped the tag, conking Our Boy directly on the plums. Either Mike isn’t as dead as some of the ladies thought, or the third baseman was a flaming HETEROsexual but whatever the reason the ball popped out of his Love Glove (credit Brain with that one) and The Ancient One was safe. He asked umpire Dan “for a minute” to recover from Mother Nature’s Cruel Joke To The Male Species, and Dan was happy to comply, walking up the third base line to “Adjust the bag” as he said.
AHEM. Uh huh.
Mike would crawl home on a single by The Coach to give the Ducks an 8 to 6 lead. E then rifled a pea to center, where Number 44 and a Half would rob him blind with a diving, tumbling catch. As a ruffled Eric took the field, The Pinkboxers discussed how many times out of a hundred the woman in center would make that catch. They all agreed “one” out of a hundred and also agreed that it’s usually THEM who are stuck with the Buzzard’s Luck, not four leaf clovered E.
The Fine Feathered Defense locked up Stabbin’ tight in the fourth, with another spectacular catch of a routine fly ball by Brainguy out by the puppet stage, Eric taking his frustration out by lasering a throw to Christine and Lyn ending the inning throwing an odd, disturbing-looking palm ball to Eric at second to get the final out.
The Champ’s offensive face was good, but their defensive face was brilliant as they put the screws to Shawn’s Merry Crew, 12 to 9.
“Yeah, we got a kick-asser team!” exclaimed Coach Lyn, shamelessly pilfering Christine’s line.
The line may have been plundered, but it’s quite true as the Champs reeled of their tenth win in a row.
With most of the Ducks in their Texas Orange battle dresses and Stabbin’ in their spanking new and very retro Duck-like red t-shirts, the game between the ‘A’ Division titans began…with a bang.
Brainguy, who must be hitting about six thousand, led off with a single and then Lyn walked. E came up and put on his own illegal fireworks show, blasting a home run to the trees in left to put the Champs up by three. The Ducks then loaded the bases with two outs, but the light-hitting McDuff stranded three of his seven runners on the night with a foul fly to left.
Stabbin’ threatened in their half of the first, but a great catch by Stretch in left gave ‘em the Emperor’s thumbs down.
The Champs kept percolating in the second, utilizing an error, fielder’s choice and four hits to put up another three spot. They could’ve pushed more runs across but once again, the Ducks left ‘em loaded (that’s six LOB in two innings if you’re keeping track).
The anticipated Stabbin’ onslaught finally arrived, with hits zipping around the diamond like those annoying mosquitoes. Five would end up on the board so the Champs held a slim 6 to 5 lead after two.
The Duck chicks bested the Duck boys in the third, with Christine and Courtney whacking hits while Mattie, Tyler and the suddenly inept McDuff goofing off and stranding them (that’s five for McDuff if you’re counting).
Stabbin’s Shawn tied the score immediately with a home run to the gap, but that would be it, as the Champs got out of a two on, no out hole thanks again to Tyler who tracked down yet another screaming liner to left.
Lyn’s Waterfowl took the lead for good in the fourth. After a Bob ground out, Timmay singled, Ralph lined out, and Methuselah Mike singled. The table was set for Brainguy, now hitting about the Gross National Product of Liechtenstein, and he doth smite thee ball up thee middle. As Mike chugged into third, so did a perfect throw from the outfield. The third baseman caught it, and quickly swiped the tag, conking Our Boy directly on the plums. Either Mike isn’t as dead as some of the ladies thought, or the third baseman was a flaming HETEROsexual but whatever the reason the ball popped out of his Love Glove (credit Brain with that one) and The Ancient One was safe. He asked umpire Dan “for a minute” to recover from Mother Nature’s Cruel Joke To The Male Species, and Dan was happy to comply, walking up the third base line to “Adjust the bag” as he said.
AHEM. Uh huh.
Mike would crawl home on a single by The Coach to give the Ducks an 8 to 6 lead. E then rifled a pea to center, where Number 44 and a Half would rob him blind with a diving, tumbling catch. As a ruffled Eric took the field, The Pinkboxers discussed how many times out of a hundred the woman in center would make that catch. They all agreed “one” out of a hundred and also agreed that it’s usually THEM who are stuck with the Buzzard’s Luck, not four leaf clovered E.
The Fine Feathered Defense locked up Stabbin’ tight in the fourth, with another spectacular catch of a routine fly ball by Brainguy out by the puppet stage, Eric taking his frustration out by lasering a throw to Christine and Lyn ending the inning throwing an odd, disturbing-looking palm ball to Eric at second to get the final out.
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Champs Hang Tough; Take A Bite Outta Stabbinďż˝ - Part 2
7/07/2011
Meanwhile in the fifth, Courtney singled home Mattie for the only Duck tally (psst: McDuff stranded two more runners to boost his grand total to SEVEN!). Stabbin’ got zilch thanks in part to Christine dropping an Eric throw at first then picking up just in time to nab the runner as Ralph screamed at her at a decibel level usually reserved for dogs. The score: 9-6 Ducks.
After two quick outs in the sixth (hello Robert and Timmay), the Ducks watched in amusement as Stabbin’ rolled out their version of the Ducks defensive clown car. Ralphie walked, Mike singled then Brainguy, now hitting the weight of a neutron star, singled up the middle. When the ball came into Shawn, he threw to his first baseperson to try and get a wide-turn Brainguy out. Unfortunately, the only red shirted human over there was first base coach Christine who thought about catching the ball, then decided “Nah” and let it go. As the REAL fielder lollygagged after it, both Ralph and Mike scored pushing the Duck lead to 5.
In the bottom of the sixth, a Stabbin long ball that hit a bush, NOT a tree as specified by the YMCA Home Run Rule was deemed a home run anyways. Pitcher McDuff, trying to keep his ERA from going super critical argued to anyone who would listen that ANY qualified arborist knows that a bush is NOT a tree.
No one listened, of course.
They sure listened to Christine who, being the ethical chick that she is, told umpire Dan that his “out” call on a Stabbin’ runner at first was incorrect because she, Christine, didn’t have her foot on the bag. Dan appreciated her honesty and re-called the runner “safe.” The rulebook doesn’t seem to state that a player can overturn an umpire’s call but maybe we have the wrong rulebook. It does make you wonder however, if the runner was called “safe” and Christine DID have her foot on the bag and the runner said she should be “out” if the call would be overturned. What do YOU think? YOU make the call!
At any rate the Bush League Home Run was the only score, making it 11 to 7.
The top of the seventh rolled in (long game, this) and the highlight of the inning was Eric’s voodoo dance at third, as he had to dodge a foul line drive by Mattie. Witnesses claim that his jig was much better than any of the line dancing, two stepping moves the Duck Chickies did at Cheesies “You’ve Still Got A Chance To Bail Out” bachelorette party.
Oh joy: a five-run lead for McDuff to protect. Would it be enough? It sure didn’t seem like it as the ungrateful Duck infielders expressed their displeasure of Dorkus stranding seven runners by letting two runs score to cut the lead to 3. The game truly reached its pinnacle of nervousness when, with two Stabbers on, McDuff went to 3 and 1 on Kendra (yes, he LOVES to walk females). If indeed he walked her and brought the ever dangerous Shawn to the plate and threw him a gopher ball, well…(ever try to throw a strike under that kind of pressure? We thought not). But the man who shockingly didn’t walk ANYBODY in his two innings of relief, got Kendra to ground to Eric on a 3-2 pitch to end the (w-h-e-w) game.
And now, the “Readers Digest” edition for Grumpy Bob:
“The Champs beat Stabbin’ 12 to 9 as Brainguy went four for four and Mike got whacked in the plums. Christine was the epicenter of interest at first base all game long.”
Next up, an afternoon twin bill, with the first game against Ed and Someone’s and then a quick rematch with Team (as opposed to their original “Captain” designation) Stabbin’. Bring a picnic for the Left Field Pavilion, kids!
CHAMPS 3 3 0 2 1 1 1—12
STABBIN 0 5 1 0 0 1 2—9
After two quick outs in the sixth (hello Robert and Timmay), the Ducks watched in amusement as Stabbin’ rolled out their version of the Ducks defensive clown car. Ralphie walked, Mike singled then Brainguy, now hitting the weight of a neutron star, singled up the middle. When the ball came into Shawn, he threw to his first baseperson to try and get a wide-turn Brainguy out. Unfortunately, the only red shirted human over there was first base coach Christine who thought about catching the ball, then decided “Nah” and let it go. As the REAL fielder lollygagged after it, both Ralph and Mike scored pushing the Duck lead to 5.
In the bottom of the sixth, a Stabbin long ball that hit a bush, NOT a tree as specified by the YMCA Home Run Rule was deemed a home run anyways. Pitcher McDuff, trying to keep his ERA from going super critical argued to anyone who would listen that ANY qualified arborist knows that a bush is NOT a tree.
No one listened, of course.
They sure listened to Christine who, being the ethical chick that she is, told umpire Dan that his “out” call on a Stabbin’ runner at first was incorrect because she, Christine, didn’t have her foot on the bag. Dan appreciated her honesty and re-called the runner “safe.” The rulebook doesn’t seem to state that a player can overturn an umpire’s call but maybe we have the wrong rulebook. It does make you wonder however, if the runner was called “safe” and Christine DID have her foot on the bag and the runner said she should be “out” if the call would be overturned. What do YOU think? YOU make the call!
At any rate the Bush League Home Run was the only score, making it 11 to 7.
The top of the seventh rolled in (long game, this) and the highlight of the inning was Eric’s voodoo dance at third, as he had to dodge a foul line drive by Mattie. Witnesses claim that his jig was much better than any of the line dancing, two stepping moves the Duck Chickies did at Cheesies “You’ve Still Got A Chance To Bail Out” bachelorette party.
Oh joy: a five-run lead for McDuff to protect. Would it be enough? It sure didn’t seem like it as the ungrateful Duck infielders expressed their displeasure of Dorkus stranding seven runners by letting two runs score to cut the lead to 3. The game truly reached its pinnacle of nervousness when, with two Stabbers on, McDuff went to 3 and 1 on Kendra (yes, he LOVES to walk females). If indeed he walked her and brought the ever dangerous Shawn to the plate and threw him a gopher ball, well…(ever try to throw a strike under that kind of pressure? We thought not). But the man who shockingly didn’t walk ANYBODY in his two innings of relief, got Kendra to ground to Eric on a 3-2 pitch to end the (w-h-e-w) game.
And now, the “Readers Digest” edition for Grumpy Bob:
“The Champs beat Stabbin’ 12 to 9 as Brainguy went four for four and Mike got whacked in the plums. Christine was the epicenter of interest at first base all game long.”
Next up, an afternoon twin bill, with the first game against Ed and Someone’s and then a quick rematch with Team (as opposed to their original “Captain” designation) Stabbin’. Bring a picnic for the Left Field Pavilion, kids!
CHAMPS 3 3 0 2 1 1 1—12
STABBIN 0 5 1 0 0 1 2—9
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Champs Don�t MISs: Give Opponent FITS - Part 1
6/27/2011
YMCA Stadium, Home Of The Nuclear Mosquitoes, Foxborough MA—We’re sorry, but not even Santa Claus could help this bunch of misfits.
Yes it was another night of ‘B’ Team carnage, as Lyn’s Lame Ducks steamrolled the sorry souls of the fish out of water Mitfits, leaving their hopes and dreams tattered and strewn about like abandoned clothing, with 31 to 6 thrashing.
“I have issues with pointy bones!” informed Coach Lyn. “Well, I DO!” fumed Lyn after a few seconds of odd looks and uncomfortable silence.
We’re guessing most of the fans had issues with having to watch yet another bad ‘B’ movie (the grayboxers on the bench were so bored they were inventing new nicknames for their cohorts) and it didn’t help that the Dropouts spotted the Ducks five runs thanks to being down a chick. Getting to play only three outfielders didn’t exactly help their cause, either, and so many ground balls went through their wickets that the Ducks felt like they were playing in a croquet tournament.
Brainguy must’ve thought that as he got his mallard mallet out immediately, ripping a home run on the first good pitch he saw. The Ducks were fighting each other to get to the bat rack, until Lyn lined out and E popped to third. Kathy and Mattie tried to salvage the inning with a single and a double respectively, but Courtney grounded to the secondbaseperson, who made what was to be her only clean play of the night (“Figures,” grumbled Court). Courtney would be grumbling a different tune in the bottom of the first.
In their first at bat, The Misfits went single, walk, single, and then a medium roller was hit towards E. The shortstop was thinking double play until the pitcher, McDuff, tumbled off the mound like an old man losing his walker and “helped” slow the ball down. E picked it up and rifled a throw so hard to Court at first that not even the high-speed cameras could pick up its path. The evidence supplied that it got to ‘Nee was the ball-shaped red welt on her glove hand.
Well, at least the throw was accurate (hello, Brainguy).
After the Mitfits tied it at one (well, not really), the Champs decided to distance themselves a bit (especially with McDuff pitching the next inning).
Tyler led off with a triple to the gap (pick one: there were PLENTY of gaps), Li’l E walked, The Doofus forced her at second but got the run home. Four straight singles by Timmay, Heini, Bob and Ralph shored up the Ducks fortune and it was thanks only to two great running catches by the holy-crap-look-how-much-ground-I-have-to-cover centerfielder that kept the innings’ run tally to a mere five.
The Misfits had their only shut out inning (ha! So THERE Ralph!), thanks to a double play on a liner back to the mound, with Courtney “sneaking in” behind the medicated runner at first to double him off. And no, the throw didn’t masticate her hand.
The Ducks formula of a five run inning worked so well in the second that they decided to repeat the chemistry experiment in the third. An error, fielder’s choice, walk and two singles set up Timmay, who screamed a legitimate triple to the outfield. Heini would get him in with a merry little single and this boosted the lead to 16 to 1.
The ‘Fits got a couple back in the bottom of the inning as Mattie, grayboxed, desperately tried to change Brainguy’s nickname to “The Raven.” Meanwhile on the field of play, The Bride To Be snared a shot to her left with two on. EVERYONE was screaming at her to tag the runner cutting in front of her, so Erika attempted to oblige, instead said “Screw it” and lasered a pea to Courtney’s sore hand. Score one for the North Adams Farm Girl, but unfortunately two for the Misfits as they clawed their way back to within, um, thirteen.
Yes it was another night of ‘B’ Team carnage, as Lyn’s Lame Ducks steamrolled the sorry souls of the fish out of water Mitfits, leaving their hopes and dreams tattered and strewn about like abandoned clothing, with 31 to 6 thrashing.
“I have issues with pointy bones!” informed Coach Lyn. “Well, I DO!” fumed Lyn after a few seconds of odd looks and uncomfortable silence.
We’re guessing most of the fans had issues with having to watch yet another bad ‘B’ movie (the grayboxers on the bench were so bored they were inventing new nicknames for their cohorts) and it didn’t help that the Dropouts spotted the Ducks five runs thanks to being down a chick. Getting to play only three outfielders didn’t exactly help their cause, either, and so many ground balls went through their wickets that the Ducks felt like they were playing in a croquet tournament.
Brainguy must’ve thought that as he got his mallard mallet out immediately, ripping a home run on the first good pitch he saw. The Ducks were fighting each other to get to the bat rack, until Lyn lined out and E popped to third. Kathy and Mattie tried to salvage the inning with a single and a double respectively, but Courtney grounded to the secondbaseperson, who made what was to be her only clean play of the night (“Figures,” grumbled Court). Courtney would be grumbling a different tune in the bottom of the first.
In their first at bat, The Misfits went single, walk, single, and then a medium roller was hit towards E. The shortstop was thinking double play until the pitcher, McDuff, tumbled off the mound like an old man losing his walker and “helped” slow the ball down. E picked it up and rifled a throw so hard to Court at first that not even the high-speed cameras could pick up its path. The evidence supplied that it got to ‘Nee was the ball-shaped red welt on her glove hand.
Well, at least the throw was accurate (hello, Brainguy).
After the Mitfits tied it at one (well, not really), the Champs decided to distance themselves a bit (especially with McDuff pitching the next inning).
Tyler led off with a triple to the gap (pick one: there were PLENTY of gaps), Li’l E walked, The Doofus forced her at second but got the run home. Four straight singles by Timmay, Heini, Bob and Ralph shored up the Ducks fortune and it was thanks only to two great running catches by the holy-crap-look-how-much-ground-I-have-to-cover centerfielder that kept the innings’ run tally to a mere five.
The Misfits had their only shut out inning (ha! So THERE Ralph!), thanks to a double play on a liner back to the mound, with Courtney “sneaking in” behind the medicated runner at first to double him off. And no, the throw didn’t masticate her hand.
The Ducks formula of a five run inning worked so well in the second that they decided to repeat the chemistry experiment in the third. An error, fielder’s choice, walk and two singles set up Timmay, who screamed a legitimate triple to the outfield. Heini would get him in with a merry little single and this boosted the lead to 16 to 1.
The ‘Fits got a couple back in the bottom of the inning as Mattie, grayboxed, desperately tried to change Brainguy’s nickname to “The Raven.” Meanwhile on the field of play, The Bride To Be snared a shot to her left with two on. EVERYONE was screaming at her to tag the runner cutting in front of her, so Erika attempted to oblige, instead said “Screw it” and lasered a pea to Courtney’s sore hand. Score one for the North Adams Farm Girl, but unfortunately two for the Misfits as they clawed their way back to within, um, thirteen.
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Champs Don�t MISs: Give Opponent FITS - Part 2
6/27/2011
Wanting to change things up a bit, the Champs eschewed five and instead scored three in the fourth, with Brainguy walking, Lyn, E and Kay singling, Mattie (known now at this point as The Raven) doing what he does best (No not that! A sac fly, you gutterminds!) and Court getting the final run in on her rocket grounder to the pitcher (um, SHE said it was a rocket).
In the bottom of the fourth, Stretch managed to convince the happy-go-lucky Brainguy to take his place at shortstop and Brain dutifully trotted out to the black hole that is right field. Of course, the first batter of the inning hit a grounder right to the Grogster and he treated it as if it had an infectious disease. “You SUCK buddy!” came the cry from the stands (or was that just Brainguy in right? Maybe). Thanks to a couple more singles, the bases were loaded when another grounder burrowed Tyler’s way. Going to his right, he deftly handled it, blatantly ignored Cheesie calling for the ball at third and instead wound up and slung it home to a rather surprised Coach Lyn who had to break out her lunging moves in front of Grumpy Ump to make the force play. Although they were up by 16 at the time, Mattie, uh, RAVEN remarked from left that if the Ducks won by only one run, this play would be remembered.
They didn’t and it wasn’t. Well, except by us!
“Enough freakin’ screwin’ around!” was Coach Lyn’s cry to the Waterfowl offense in the fifth as she had had a long day and was in desperate need of a drink.
Erika, showing that she was paying attention since the notion of alcohol was involved, zinged a double to the outfield. The rightfielder, thinking of a tune from Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride, threw the ball in to “no one in particular at all.” The ball sat, abandoned and weeping, out by second base as Cheesie waltzed home in a magnificent white pumpkin carriage (or was that just in her mind? Maybe). McDuff and Oh Great Tim then singled but Heini forced a you-really-don’t-have-to sliding Timmay at second. Robert fielders choiced a run home, Pinky and The Brain singled, Lyn walked and E cleared the bases with a yawning triple to the Left Field Pavilion. As the leftfielder was drifting back nonchalantly, his shortstop warned, “Um, it’s way deep.” Gee, ya think?
E came in on MattieRaven’s triple and then the man whose new nickname won’t stick scored when Courtney singled. Big Goof stepped to the plate, chipped up on the bat and TRIED to go opposite field, but instead tripled to dead left center (You forgot to stick your butt out. Don’t you pay any attention at all???). Erika’s second hit of the inning scored him, McDuff singled, then Timmay ended the barrage with his second single of the inning chasing Cheesie home (sans carriage). Everyone but Kathy and Tim scored in the inning and the Ducks Dirty Dozen was enough to ensure Coach Lyn that she would be draining a frosty beverage within minutes (Shh! Don't tell the 'Y'!).
The bottom of the inning mercifully rolled in, with Tyler taking his place in right. When asked why he didn’t play short for another inning, he said with a tear in his eye and a tremor in his voice, “Kathy yelled at me like the Queen of Hearts!” (LIU! That’s for all you kids who can only read “text language”).
Anyways, the Misfits got one more run, MattieRaven claimed, “It’s a sticky one tonight!” Brainguy spit seeds at Kathy, K kicked dirt in his mouth, Cheesie saved her face for her wedding, everyone got the hell of the field, and Ralph chatted up a surprisingly chipper Grumpy Ump (Ralph still hasn’t answered Lyn’s Second Beverage question as to whether or not they hugged. Maybe we don’t want to know the answer as Brainguy is still traumatized to this day about GU’s “diaper.” Shiver…).
So now the Ducks get to bask in the glow of their unbeaten record during the Independence Day weekend before they have to crank it up for their first game of the year versus The New Look Stabbin’ (while Erika bunks in before her still-got-time-to-back-out nuptials of which we weren’t invited).
Salut!
Champs (+5) 1 5 5 3 (12)—31
Misfits 1 0 2 2 1—6
In the bottom of the fourth, Stretch managed to convince the happy-go-lucky Brainguy to take his place at shortstop and Brain dutifully trotted out to the black hole that is right field. Of course, the first batter of the inning hit a grounder right to the Grogster and he treated it as if it had an infectious disease. “You SUCK buddy!” came the cry from the stands (or was that just Brainguy in right? Maybe). Thanks to a couple more singles, the bases were loaded when another grounder burrowed Tyler’s way. Going to his right, he deftly handled it, blatantly ignored Cheesie calling for the ball at third and instead wound up and slung it home to a rather surprised Coach Lyn who had to break out her lunging moves in front of Grumpy Ump to make the force play. Although they were up by 16 at the time, Mattie, uh, RAVEN remarked from left that if the Ducks won by only one run, this play would be remembered.
They didn’t and it wasn’t. Well, except by us!
“Enough freakin’ screwin’ around!” was Coach Lyn’s cry to the Waterfowl offense in the fifth as she had had a long day and was in desperate need of a drink.
Erika, showing that she was paying attention since the notion of alcohol was involved, zinged a double to the outfield. The rightfielder, thinking of a tune from Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride, threw the ball in to “no one in particular at all.” The ball sat, abandoned and weeping, out by second base as Cheesie waltzed home in a magnificent white pumpkin carriage (or was that just in her mind? Maybe). McDuff and Oh Great Tim then singled but Heini forced a you-really-don’t-have-to sliding Timmay at second. Robert fielders choiced a run home, Pinky and The Brain singled, Lyn walked and E cleared the bases with a yawning triple to the Left Field Pavilion. As the leftfielder was drifting back nonchalantly, his shortstop warned, “Um, it’s way deep.” Gee, ya think?
E came in on MattieRaven’s triple and then the man whose new nickname won’t stick scored when Courtney singled. Big Goof stepped to the plate, chipped up on the bat and TRIED to go opposite field, but instead tripled to dead left center (You forgot to stick your butt out. Don’t you pay any attention at all???). Erika’s second hit of the inning scored him, McDuff singled, then Timmay ended the barrage with his second single of the inning chasing Cheesie home (sans carriage). Everyone but Kathy and Tim scored in the inning and the Ducks Dirty Dozen was enough to ensure Coach Lyn that she would be draining a frosty beverage within minutes (Shh! Don't tell the 'Y'!).
The bottom of the inning mercifully rolled in, with Tyler taking his place in right. When asked why he didn’t play short for another inning, he said with a tear in his eye and a tremor in his voice, “Kathy yelled at me like the Queen of Hearts!” (LIU! That’s for all you kids who can only read “text language”).
Anyways, the Misfits got one more run, MattieRaven claimed, “It’s a sticky one tonight!” Brainguy spit seeds at Kathy, K kicked dirt in his mouth, Cheesie saved her face for her wedding, everyone got the hell of the field, and Ralph chatted up a surprisingly chipper Grumpy Ump (Ralph still hasn’t answered Lyn’s Second Beverage question as to whether or not they hugged. Maybe we don’t want to know the answer as Brainguy is still traumatized to this day about GU’s “diaper.” Shiver…).
So now the Ducks get to bask in the glow of their unbeaten record during the Independence Day weekend before they have to crank it up for their first game of the year versus The New Look Stabbin’ (while Erika bunks in before her still-got-time-to-back-out nuptials of which we weren’t invited).
Salut!
Champs (+5) 1 5 5 3 (12)—31
Misfits 1 0 2 2 1—6
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Ho Hum: Champs Polish Off Waxys - Part 1
6/21/2011
YMCA Stadium, Home Of The Missing Reporter, Foxborough MA—Ladies and Gentlemen, THIS is why T.G.I.Friday’s didn’t bother to send a team when scheduled against the Ducks.
In a game that is sure to make the Y reconsider the foolhardy decision to pit ‘A’ teams versus it’s “recreational” ‘B’ teams, Lyn’s Lame Ducks pummeled the poor inebriated souls from Waxy O’Connors by the shocking score of 29 to 7 (it’s shocking because Waxy’s actually scored SEVEN runs).
“Huh? What? Geez, don’t wake me up like that!!” complained Coach Lyn after being startled awake by the umpire who told her to take her base because it was ball four…AGAIN.
This game was about as exciting as a two hour drive home: You KNOW you’re going to get there eventually, but why does it have to be so damned BORING?
It didn’t start out dull for Coach Lyn as not only did she have to deal with the absence of a few of her most beloved players, but then her starting pitcher, Ralph, was late. Brainguy was immediately thrown into the breach, mainly because no one else would do it (although it would’ve been hilarious to have Lyn force Erika to pitch and have the “Gotta Save My Face For The Wedding” girl get a few bad bounces back to the box). Brainguy gave up a run almost immediately and was heard yelling at his team to get him some “(Expletive) runs!” as he walked, quite pitcher-like, back to the bench (Psst Brainguy: you already HAD five runs thanks to Waxy’s Minus A Chick Night).
But Gray Matter Man’s rant must’ve scared his slave-like teammates as they put the hammer down forthwith.
Star Pitcher led off with a walk (a foreshadowing by the way), then Lyn and E both singled. The ballpark then hit the alarm clock and went back into snooze mode as three walks followed. Bob reached on an error, Courtney made what would turn out to be the only out of the inning (Lyn told us to say that) and then things went to hell in a handbasket for Waxys. Single, walk, single, triple, double, single, walk, and then a Heini stick-out-his-heini-to-go-up-the-middle double finished off the carnage as the inning was halted due to the Geneva Convention. Fourteen Waterfowl crossed the plate, and made the score 19 to 1…after ONE inning!
While all of this was going on, Ralph returned to the fold after being delayed by an intense game of horseshoes. Maybe he should’ve stayed there: even SHOEING horses would’ve been more fun than THIS game. At any rate, Lyn was doling out punishment in droves last night, with number one being to have Brainguy pitch one more inning (might have been more punishment to Brainguy than to Ralph). He got “no defensive support” (so he told us) and the score seemed to prove that as Waxy’s scored a whopping FOUR runs in the second to cut the Duck lead to…14. Mattie, who was relegated to right field thanks to calling Coach “ma’m” (well it’s better than being called beee-yatch isn’t it?), had an easy grounder roll through the wickets. Instead of standing there and swearing like he did last night, Mattie went after it, threw it into the CUTOFF (oh right, Timmay wasn’t there) and got the poor sap of a runner out at third. Mattie claimed it was a “play by design.” Should we hire or fire that designer?
In a game that is sure to make the Y reconsider the foolhardy decision to pit ‘A’ teams versus it’s “recreational” ‘B’ teams, Lyn’s Lame Ducks pummeled the poor inebriated souls from Waxy O’Connors by the shocking score of 29 to 7 (it’s shocking because Waxy’s actually scored SEVEN runs).
“Huh? What? Geez, don’t wake me up like that!!” complained Coach Lyn after being startled awake by the umpire who told her to take her base because it was ball four…AGAIN.
This game was about as exciting as a two hour drive home: You KNOW you’re going to get there eventually, but why does it have to be so damned BORING?
It didn’t start out dull for Coach Lyn as not only did she have to deal with the absence of a few of her most beloved players, but then her starting pitcher, Ralph, was late. Brainguy was immediately thrown into the breach, mainly because no one else would do it (although it would’ve been hilarious to have Lyn force Erika to pitch and have the “Gotta Save My Face For The Wedding” girl get a few bad bounces back to the box). Brainguy gave up a run almost immediately and was heard yelling at his team to get him some “(Expletive) runs!” as he walked, quite pitcher-like, back to the bench (Psst Brainguy: you already HAD five runs thanks to Waxy’s Minus A Chick Night).
But Gray Matter Man’s rant must’ve scared his slave-like teammates as they put the hammer down forthwith.
Star Pitcher led off with a walk (a foreshadowing by the way), then Lyn and E both singled. The ballpark then hit the alarm clock and went back into snooze mode as three walks followed. Bob reached on an error, Courtney made what would turn out to be the only out of the inning (Lyn told us to say that) and then things went to hell in a handbasket for Waxys. Single, walk, single, triple, double, single, walk, and then a Heini stick-out-his-heini-to-go-up-the-middle double finished off the carnage as the inning was halted due to the Geneva Convention. Fourteen Waterfowl crossed the plate, and made the score 19 to 1…after ONE inning!
While all of this was going on, Ralph returned to the fold after being delayed by an intense game of horseshoes. Maybe he should’ve stayed there: even SHOEING horses would’ve been more fun than THIS game. At any rate, Lyn was doling out punishment in droves last night, with number one being to have Brainguy pitch one more inning (might have been more punishment to Brainguy than to Ralph). He got “no defensive support” (so he told us) and the score seemed to prove that as Waxy’s scored a whopping FOUR runs in the second to cut the Duck lead to…14. Mattie, who was relegated to right field thanks to calling Coach “ma’m” (well it’s better than being called beee-yatch isn’t it?), had an easy grounder roll through the wickets. Instead of standing there and swearing like he did last night, Mattie went after it, threw it into the CUTOFF (oh right, Timmay wasn’t there) and got the poor sap of a runner out at third. Mattie claimed it was a “play by design.” Should we hire or fire that designer?
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Ho Hum: Champs Polish Off Waxys - Part 2
6/21/2011
In the second, the Champs picked up where they had left off, with Christine starting things off with a single, followed up by three more singles by Bob, Courtney and Mattie. Waxy’s second basehuman, who had seen this type of thing the inning before, said “Let’s try to get three outs this inning, guys.” They got one as Erika, nervous about having to meet with the Duck Chickies after the game, grounded out to short. The Ducks would put together four more hits after that and paste up a snowman on the board to lead 27 to 5.
At this point, a bus containing insomnia patients from Beth Israel Deaconess Medical Center rolled into view and they picked the perfect time to show up. Waxy’s got a run in the third using a coupon and the Ducks got none thanks to their swinging at bad pitches (the only pitches the hurler knew how to throw apparently). Then a big zero for the Drunkards in the fourth, while the Champs got two, thanks to a home run by E, who claimed the night before that he can’t “hit the ball that far anymore” (uh huh). Turnabout was fair play as Mattie, after making fun of another idiot who got picked off first the night before, added his name to the Ledger Of Baserunning Stupidity by getting his butt picked off second.
So THERE, loooooozer (ahem, sorry).
Waxy’s scored one more run in the fifth to make the final score a “respectable” 29 to 7, then everyone left, wishing to heck they were drunk (although the bus left happy because everyone had fallen asleep).
So now the Champs have to get psyched to play a late Sunday game versus a ‘B’ team called The (why am I such a) Misfits (I am not such a nit wit).
Wonder if Herbie The Elf will pitch?
(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FwlOUAAyPQE&feature=related at 1:39 if you don’t get it…)
Tipsy McStaggers 1 4 1 0 1—7
The Champs (+5) (14) 8 0 2 x—29
At this point, a bus containing insomnia patients from Beth Israel Deaconess Medical Center rolled into view and they picked the perfect time to show up. Waxy’s got a run in the third using a coupon and the Ducks got none thanks to their swinging at bad pitches (the only pitches the hurler knew how to throw apparently). Then a big zero for the Drunkards in the fourth, while the Champs got two, thanks to a home run by E, who claimed the night before that he can’t “hit the ball that far anymore” (uh huh). Turnabout was fair play as Mattie, after making fun of another idiot who got picked off first the night before, added his name to the Ledger Of Baserunning Stupidity by getting his butt picked off second.
So THERE, loooooozer (ahem, sorry).
Waxy’s scored one more run in the fifth to make the final score a “respectable” 29 to 7, then everyone left, wishing to heck they were drunk (although the bus left happy because everyone had fallen asleep).
So now the Champs have to get psyched to play a late Sunday game versus a ‘B’ team called The (why am I such a) Misfits (I am not such a nit wit).
Wonder if Herbie The Elf will pitch?
(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FwlOUAAyPQE&feature=related at 1:39 if you don’t get it…)
Tipsy McStaggers 1 4 1 0 1—7
The Champs (+5) (14) 8 0 2 x—29
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Champs Double Up On Dad�s Day - Part 1
6/20/2011
YMCA Stadium, Home Of The Outfield Obstacle Course, Foxborough MA—It was a lovely Sunday to take the kids to the ballfield and let them play in the dirt and totally ignore Lyn’s Lame Ducks’ scintillating two wins versus Upper Deck and Bar Factory.
Then again, with the shape the Y’s infield was in, a lot of the Ducks played in the dirt and ignored the game too (like the moron who got picked off of first base for example).
Game one was against Neal’s lackadaisical bunch who seemed more interested in lobbing scathingly “funny” comments at each other than lobbing softballs over the plate. After a nice running catch by Stretch in left that kept the Perv’s Nerves off the board in the first, Lyn’s Ducks responded by taking a walk on the drowsy side. Brainguy and Lyn couldn’t find a pitch that was close to being a strike, but then Eric did (well, it WASN’T a strike but he’d be damned if he walked) and ripped a single, scoring Brainguy. Kathy walked then The Big Galoot pinged a single, getting Lyn home. Tyler scored later on an odd assortment of fielder’s choices and a Courtney single to give the Ducks a 4-0 lead after one.
The sniping Deckers halved that lead in the second, thanks in part to a wonderful hedgehog hole hop that boinged a rolling single right past Mattie and into the fertile grasslands of center. Mattie let out a nice expletive that echoed throughout the stadium and into the virgin ears of his perfect children. Mattie told the representatives from Child Services not to worry as they’ve “heard worse.” Luke and Drew’s mom hurriedly picked them up, stuffed them into the car and peeled away. As Mattie stood, rednecked, McDuff started a double play to get out of the inning.
In the second, the burgeoning crowd discovered why the Upper Deck pitcher threw so many balls in the first: it’s because when he threw a strike, the Ducks hit it…HARD. Timmay lead off with a single, Ralph decided to take a walk, then singles by (take a deep breath) Bob, Brainguy, Lyn, E, Kathy, Tyler, Erika and Mattie had the pitcher longing for a concrete pillbox (yes, look it up). Court got a run home with a grounder to the right side, McDuff singled and just like that, the Mallards had skipped, hopped and jumped to a ten run inning, ballooning their lead to 14 to 2 (Suck some of the helium out of the balloon: ’s fun!).
Neal’s Group started their massive comeback with a run, a run that would loom large at the end of the game (uh, no it wouldn’t). The highlight of inning three was Brainguy making a spectacular circus catch of a routine fly ball in center. ESPN was about to use it as one of their Top Ten plays, but got distracted by a dragonfly in right field, and forgot.
Lyn’s Quackers added a couple more in the third when two were out, when Lyn singled, E scalded a ringing triple and Kathy singled E in.
The Pervs offense folded their tents in the fourth, thanks in part to a nice double play turned by E, even though he rainbowed his throw to first making Courtney signal for a fair catch. The Champs tacked on two more runs in their half and it could’ve turned into a certifiably big inning, but Timmay screwed up as his liner to second got a quick thinking, but slow-footed McDuff picked off first. Ralph reached on an error, but then Bob had seen enough and popped out to third.
The apocalypse began in the top of the fifth as Timmay hauled in a fly ball and HIT THE CUTOFF (he was no doubt showing off for his visiting chickie). Two forgettable outs later and it was all over, with the Ducks resting easy on an 18 to 3, mercy fueled win.
And the Purell Hand Sanitizer Germ-Filled Moment of the Game: Poor Cheesie getting a handjob from Neal in the congratulation line.
GAME ONE
Upper Dorks 0 2 1 0 0—3
The Champs 4 (10) 2 2 x—18
Then again, with the shape the Y’s infield was in, a lot of the Ducks played in the dirt and ignored the game too (like the moron who got picked off of first base for example).
Game one was against Neal’s lackadaisical bunch who seemed more interested in lobbing scathingly “funny” comments at each other than lobbing softballs over the plate. After a nice running catch by Stretch in left that kept the Perv’s Nerves off the board in the first, Lyn’s Ducks responded by taking a walk on the drowsy side. Brainguy and Lyn couldn’t find a pitch that was close to being a strike, but then Eric did (well, it WASN’T a strike but he’d be damned if he walked) and ripped a single, scoring Brainguy. Kathy walked then The Big Galoot pinged a single, getting Lyn home. Tyler scored later on an odd assortment of fielder’s choices and a Courtney single to give the Ducks a 4-0 lead after one.
The sniping Deckers halved that lead in the second, thanks in part to a wonderful hedgehog hole hop that boinged a rolling single right past Mattie and into the fertile grasslands of center. Mattie let out a nice expletive that echoed throughout the stadium and into the virgin ears of his perfect children. Mattie told the representatives from Child Services not to worry as they’ve “heard worse.” Luke and Drew’s mom hurriedly picked them up, stuffed them into the car and peeled away. As Mattie stood, rednecked, McDuff started a double play to get out of the inning.
In the second, the burgeoning crowd discovered why the Upper Deck pitcher threw so many balls in the first: it’s because when he threw a strike, the Ducks hit it…HARD. Timmay lead off with a single, Ralph decided to take a walk, then singles by (take a deep breath) Bob, Brainguy, Lyn, E, Kathy, Tyler, Erika and Mattie had the pitcher longing for a concrete pillbox (yes, look it up). Court got a run home with a grounder to the right side, McDuff singled and just like that, the Mallards had skipped, hopped and jumped to a ten run inning, ballooning their lead to 14 to 2 (Suck some of the helium out of the balloon: ’s fun!).
Neal’s Group started their massive comeback with a run, a run that would loom large at the end of the game (uh, no it wouldn’t). The highlight of inning three was Brainguy making a spectacular circus catch of a routine fly ball in center. ESPN was about to use it as one of their Top Ten plays, but got distracted by a dragonfly in right field, and forgot.
Lyn’s Quackers added a couple more in the third when two were out, when Lyn singled, E scalded a ringing triple and Kathy singled E in.
The Pervs offense folded their tents in the fourth, thanks in part to a nice double play turned by E, even though he rainbowed his throw to first making Courtney signal for a fair catch. The Champs tacked on two more runs in their half and it could’ve turned into a certifiably big inning, but Timmay screwed up as his liner to second got a quick thinking, but slow-footed McDuff picked off first. Ralph reached on an error, but then Bob had seen enough and popped out to third.
The apocalypse began in the top of the fifth as Timmay hauled in a fly ball and HIT THE CUTOFF (he was no doubt showing off for his visiting chickie). Two forgettable outs later and it was all over, with the Ducks resting easy on an 18 to 3, mercy fueled win.
And the Purell Hand Sanitizer Germ-Filled Moment of the Game: Poor Cheesie getting a handjob from Neal in the congratulation line.
GAME ONE
Upper Dorks 0 2 1 0 0—3
The Champs 4 (10) 2 2 x—18
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Champs Double Up On Dad�s Day - Part 2a
6/20/2011
Game two would prove to be a bit more challenging to Our Heroes, as their “We Seem To Play Them Every Other Week” mates from Bar Factory came a’ callin’.
Brainguy lead off with a single, but was forced at second, even though he was safe (or so everyone but Ralph thought for some reason). E then singled, sending a hustling Pumkin’ to third and Kathy picked up two RBIs with her stellar single. Tyler went back into golf swing mode and flew out deep to left center, a useless walk and single followed as Cheesie, still traumatized by the congratulations line, grounded into a fielders choice leaving the run total at two.
The BARFs cut the lead in half (not THAT difficult of a feat is it?) but thanks to a odd “We Thought It Was Going To Drop In Front Of Brainguy But Bob Nonchalantly Cut In Front Of Him To Make The” catch saved the Quackers from further damage.
The second inning proved bland for both teams, with poor Court getting her shot up the middle turned into a 1-4-3 out and E making two putouts at short without having to move a muscle (awright, he used his ARM muscle to reach for the line drives…happy??).
It looked as if the Ducks were going to re-rail the train in the third, as Brainguy smoked a double and Lyn singled him home. However three straight fly outs put the fizzle to the sizzle as the Champs settled for a 4 to 1 lead.
Bar Factory, using Erika for target practice (maybe SHE needed a concrete pillbox), managed to tie the game, scoring three runs when two were out. Only a heads up play by Christine bottled up what could’ve been a bad situation. A grounder eludes Erika, but Brainguy gets to it in the hole and makes the long, inaccurate throw to first base. Christine, backing up the play as catcher, grabs the errant throw and gets a sliding female at second with we believe Lyn tagging her high, no doubt on her lady parts (she’ll even that out later).
The fourth inning crashed ashore and Bar Factory was looking for the license plate of the truck that hit them. Singles by Christine, McDuff, Little E, Mattie and Court got the hurricane spinning, and Robert cleared the bases with a skyball triple that landed in the YMCA’s brand new Left Field Pavilion. Timmay doubled and scored thanks to the Dynamic Duo of Brainguy (double) and Lyn (single). Kathy got a base hit, then Tyler finally used the patented Grogan Grunt® to his advantage, giving the Champs their second ten run inning of the night.
The good Quacker defense shut off the BARF spigots and the score was 14 to 4.
The comatose Duck offense then stuck up it’s second goose egg of the night, which was magnified by the fact that the Champs had a pitcher who couldn’t seem to throw strikes very well. The Factory came back and churned out three more runs, cutting the Duck lead to 7.
The Waterfowl fell out of bed long enough to plate two runs in the sixth, thanks to Timmay showing off AGAIN for his girl and Brainguy lofting a rather deep sac fly (as a jealous Mattie looked on). In the bottom of the inning, Lyn let a possible double play ball scoot between her legs (what starts in the gutter, stays in the gutter), but later pulled a ballet move that would’ve made her sister Paula proud, as Coach looked like a female version of the Quest Eternal Statue as she stretched for the sky for E’s throw after he made a terrific stop at short, getting the force at second.
Brainguy lead off with a single, but was forced at second, even though he was safe (or so everyone but Ralph thought for some reason). E then singled, sending a hustling Pumkin’ to third and Kathy picked up two RBIs with her stellar single. Tyler went back into golf swing mode and flew out deep to left center, a useless walk and single followed as Cheesie, still traumatized by the congratulations line, grounded into a fielders choice leaving the run total at two.
The BARFs cut the lead in half (not THAT difficult of a feat is it?) but thanks to a odd “We Thought It Was Going To Drop In Front Of Brainguy But Bob Nonchalantly Cut In Front Of Him To Make The” catch saved the Quackers from further damage.
The second inning proved bland for both teams, with poor Court getting her shot up the middle turned into a 1-4-3 out and E making two putouts at short without having to move a muscle (awright, he used his ARM muscle to reach for the line drives…happy??).
It looked as if the Ducks were going to re-rail the train in the third, as Brainguy smoked a double and Lyn singled him home. However three straight fly outs put the fizzle to the sizzle as the Champs settled for a 4 to 1 lead.
Bar Factory, using Erika for target practice (maybe SHE needed a concrete pillbox), managed to tie the game, scoring three runs when two were out. Only a heads up play by Christine bottled up what could’ve been a bad situation. A grounder eludes Erika, but Brainguy gets to it in the hole and makes the long, inaccurate throw to first base. Christine, backing up the play as catcher, grabs the errant throw and gets a sliding female at second with we believe Lyn tagging her high, no doubt on her lady parts (she’ll even that out later).
The fourth inning crashed ashore and Bar Factory was looking for the license plate of the truck that hit them. Singles by Christine, McDuff, Little E, Mattie and Court got the hurricane spinning, and Robert cleared the bases with a skyball triple that landed in the YMCA’s brand new Left Field Pavilion. Timmay doubled and scored thanks to the Dynamic Duo of Brainguy (double) and Lyn (single). Kathy got a base hit, then Tyler finally used the patented Grogan Grunt® to his advantage, giving the Champs their second ten run inning of the night.
The good Quacker defense shut off the BARF spigots and the score was 14 to 4.
The comatose Duck offense then stuck up it’s second goose egg of the night, which was magnified by the fact that the Champs had a pitcher who couldn’t seem to throw strikes very well. The Factory came back and churned out three more runs, cutting the Duck lead to 7.
The Waterfowl fell out of bed long enough to plate two runs in the sixth, thanks to Timmay showing off AGAIN for his girl and Brainguy lofting a rather deep sac fly (as a jealous Mattie looked on). In the bottom of the inning, Lyn let a possible double play ball scoot between her legs (what starts in the gutter, stays in the gutter), but later pulled a ballet move that would’ve made her sister Paula proud, as Coach looked like a female version of the Quest Eternal Statue as she stretched for the sky for E’s throw after he made a terrific stop at short, getting the force at second.
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Champs Double Up On Dad�s Day - Part 2b
6/20/2011
Our Little Duckies decided that a 9 run lead wasn’t safe with a shotput-throwing McDuff matching Way Back Wasdin’s 2003 ERA so they chipped in and got the poor sap a couple more runs on four singles and another irritating fielders choice.
Lyn got the defense, and a BARF runner charged up in the bottom of the seventh, as the guy tried to stretch a single into a double but a great throw by SOMEONE (it’s not the part of the play anyone will remember of course) gave Lyn the opportunity to tag the guy right on his man-parts. Lyn winced, and let out a little “uggh” which got the runner bitching to the ump that he wasn’t out because Lyn’s reaction PROVED he wasn’t (no, Lyn was just glad that: a) it wasn’t Neal and b) she was wearing a glove during the tag. Coach plays very safe doncha know).
That pretty much put Bar Factory out of it’s misery, and gave the Ducks an 18 to 7 win Wow, 18 runs and a ten run inning in both games! Symmetrical!).
The tag play would take on a life of it’s own during the after-game comments, with E mentioning something about having a “pop-up slide,” and then Mattie, after most everyone had gone (when the good stuff USUALLY happens), having his innocent “G” rated comment turned into something on the side of an NC-17. Like so:
Lyn (to Mattie): “Do you want a hug?”
Mattie (to Lyn): “No, I’ll just slide into you.”
Long Pause.
Brainguy (to whomever): “You know that could be taken as…(guffaws and laughter and maybe some red faces, but it was tough to tell, especially with Matties sunburn).
Oh my.
And the Purell Hand Sanitizer Germ-Filled Moment of the game?
Since Lyn was wearing “protection” during the tag, we’ll have to give it to poor Courtney, who had a BARF player borrow her glove each inning and returned it to her all nicely damp with smelly gross sweat.
The 7 and 0 Champs now play two interleague games, versus Waxy O’Connors and the Misfits before they get their first shot at The New Look Stabbin next month. Here’s hoping Coach yells at them enough to take the two “B” games seriously.
Oh and attention to all you alcoholics: Mattie was pretty much informed by “league sources” i.e. Tim, that you MAY consume some “beverages” after game as long as they are in cups, NOT bottles. And yes, we know a lot of you are bitching as to why we didn’t mention this at the BEGINNING of the write up. It’s because we just remembered it. Sorry, it’s not high on OUR priority list (but checking out Coach’s hip pointer is).
GAME TWO
The Champs 2 0 2 (10) 0 2 2—18
Bar Factory 1 0 3 0 3 0 0—7
Lyn got the defense, and a BARF runner charged up in the bottom of the seventh, as the guy tried to stretch a single into a double but a great throw by SOMEONE (it’s not the part of the play anyone will remember of course) gave Lyn the opportunity to tag the guy right on his man-parts. Lyn winced, and let out a little “uggh” which got the runner bitching to the ump that he wasn’t out because Lyn’s reaction PROVED he wasn’t (no, Lyn was just glad that: a) it wasn’t Neal and b) she was wearing a glove during the tag. Coach plays very safe doncha know).
That pretty much put Bar Factory out of it’s misery, and gave the Ducks an 18 to 7 win Wow, 18 runs and a ten run inning in both games! Symmetrical!).
The tag play would take on a life of it’s own during the after-game comments, with E mentioning something about having a “pop-up slide,” and then Mattie, after most everyone had gone (when the good stuff USUALLY happens), having his innocent “G” rated comment turned into something on the side of an NC-17. Like so:
Lyn (to Mattie): “Do you want a hug?”
Mattie (to Lyn): “No, I’ll just slide into you.”
Long Pause.
Brainguy (to whomever): “You know that could be taken as…(guffaws and laughter and maybe some red faces, but it was tough to tell, especially with Matties sunburn).
Oh my.
And the Purell Hand Sanitizer Germ-Filled Moment of the game?
Since Lyn was wearing “protection” during the tag, we’ll have to give it to poor Courtney, who had a BARF player borrow her glove each inning and returned it to her all nicely damp with smelly gross sweat.
The 7 and 0 Champs now play two interleague games, versus Waxy O’Connors and the Misfits before they get their first shot at The New Look Stabbin next month. Here’s hoping Coach yells at them enough to take the two “B” games seriously.
Oh and attention to all you alcoholics: Mattie was pretty much informed by “league sources” i.e. Tim, that you MAY consume some “beverages” after game as long as they are in cups, NOT bottles. And yes, we know a lot of you are bitching as to why we didn’t mention this at the BEGINNING of the write up. It’s because we just remembered it. Sorry, it’s not high on OUR priority list (but checking out Coach’s hip pointer is).
GAME TWO
The Champs 2 0 2 (10) 0 2 2—18
Bar Factory 1 0 3 0 3 0 0—7
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Champs Show Moxie After Lyn Sets Them Straight - Part 1
6/07/2011
YMCA Stadium Home Of The Worst Sun Field Since Wahconah Park (look it up!), Foxborough MA—There is a saying in the world of sports that a good team will “play down to the level” of a lesser foe. Lyn’s Lame Ducks pretty much followed that old sports adage to a ‘t’ last night by playing an incredibly irritating brand of bargain-basement softball for four and a half innings before Coach Lyn dope slapped some sense into her foundering team’s cement noggin.
The result of Ms Atkinson’s quiet but firm dissertation was a 20 to 12 late inning walk-a-thon victory over the ‘B’ Division’s AFS.
“Thank god you morons listened to me,” said Lyn during her postgame press conference which was very nicely attended by a big throng from the Mosquito Media, “I mean really. HOW long have I been coaching you idiots now?? Next question! And make it something different than “How many pints of blood do you have?””
Ahem.
This game had the makings of one of those “trap” games: Ducks coming off a rousing win versus Bar Factory, playing a “B” team, a nice four game winning streak under their belts and Lyn’s Lucky Number 13 line-up. It all pointed to a certain victory for the Champs, which we, as Red Sox fans (sorry Mattie and E) are well aware, is a true recipe for certain death.
The game started inauspiciously enough, with both teams putting up dueling goose eggs in the first.
AFS got on the board in the second, thanks in no small part to the Duck defense booting more balls than Pete Gogolak (look it up!). Still Lyn’s Flock showed to the capacity crowd of Luke and Drew that there was no need to panic, as Mattie lead off the bottom of the second with a screaming “inside the park even though it’s not a park” home run. Courtney followed that up with a whack through the shortstop hole but the poor dear was forced at second when McDuff almost hit into his second double play in as many games. Mercifully, Christine cheered him up with a single and after Bob lined out hard to third, a sore-kneed but still insane-on-the-basepaths Timmay singled in the go-ahead run. Christine and Timmay then came around on the second baseperson’s error. Mike flew out to left to end the frame, with the Ducks, thinking they were well on their way to victory, leading 4 to 1.
In the third, Lyn’s Flock felt they had the whammy put on them, as AFS scored three times, thanks to a bloop single, a “rolling across the steppe forever” home run (with Brainguy’s way-the-hell-after curfew relay throw home bounding through the space in the fence, prompting the Australian Rules Football umpire to give him the official signal for goal http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X_hqosNvv5E :38 seconds in), yet another chick single, a bloop double and one of the oddest plays ever to grace a softball diamond.
The result of Ms Atkinson’s quiet but firm dissertation was a 20 to 12 late inning walk-a-thon victory over the ‘B’ Division’s AFS.
“Thank god you morons listened to me,” said Lyn during her postgame press conference which was very nicely attended by a big throng from the Mosquito Media, “I mean really. HOW long have I been coaching you idiots now?? Next question! And make it something different than “How many pints of blood do you have?””
Ahem.
This game had the makings of one of those “trap” games: Ducks coming off a rousing win versus Bar Factory, playing a “B” team, a nice four game winning streak under their belts and Lyn’s Lucky Number 13 line-up. It all pointed to a certain victory for the Champs, which we, as Red Sox fans (sorry Mattie and E) are well aware, is a true recipe for certain death.
The game started inauspiciously enough, with both teams putting up dueling goose eggs in the first.
AFS got on the board in the second, thanks in no small part to the Duck defense booting more balls than Pete Gogolak (look it up!). Still Lyn’s Flock showed to the capacity crowd of Luke and Drew that there was no need to panic, as Mattie lead off the bottom of the second with a screaming “inside the park even though it’s not a park” home run. Courtney followed that up with a whack through the shortstop hole but the poor dear was forced at second when McDuff almost hit into his second double play in as many games. Mercifully, Christine cheered him up with a single and after Bob lined out hard to third, a sore-kneed but still insane-on-the-basepaths Timmay singled in the go-ahead run. Christine and Timmay then came around on the second baseperson’s error. Mike flew out to left to end the frame, with the Ducks, thinking they were well on their way to victory, leading 4 to 1.
In the third, Lyn’s Flock felt they had the whammy put on them, as AFS scored three times, thanks to a bloop single, a “rolling across the steppe forever” home run (with Brainguy’s way-the-hell-after curfew relay throw home bounding through the space in the fence, prompting the Australian Rules Football umpire to give him the official signal for goal http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X_hqosNvv5E :38 seconds in), yet another chick single, a bloop double and one of the oddest plays ever to grace a softball diamond.
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Champs Show Moxie After Lyn Sets Them Straight - Part 2
6/07/2011
To wit: runners on first and second. A line drive to Lyn: she snares it, throws to K at first to try and double up the straying runner. Lyn’s throw smacks the runner on the back, and then bounces towards the first base coach where he, in a true Steve Bartman moment, makes the grab. Trouble is, the ball was still in play. Kathy was looking in the grass and under the base for the damned thing while umpire Dan was awarding extra bases to the runners thinking the ball went out of play. When the coach sheepishly showed Dan the ball, he reversed his call and the runner at second just couldn’t understand why in he heck he didn’t get third base. When informed of what happened, he just laughed with most everyone else. The Ducks thought they finally ended the hexed inning tied at four, but the offense still had to bat. It turned out to be the most boring at bat since May tenth's one, two, three F-7 festival. Tyler made the biggest noise of the inning just because he at least flew out to the outfield. The poor kid’s been a bit off at the plate so far this year and, don’t take it the wrong way but if the Air Force was going to build a fighter jet to honor our home run hero, it wouldn’t be an F-14 or an F-16 but an F-7.
On second thought Tyler, take that any way you want. Heck, we like to live dangerously.
The Duck defense finally showed up to play in the fourth, giving a perturbed Ralph some support, and giving AFS a nice little bundle of diddly-squat.
Determined to get the lead back, the Ducks pushed across an entire run thanks to a Heini double and another AFS error. The rest of the inning produced nada, but the Champs led again, 5 to 4.
Then came the Inning Of Reckoning. Silly errors, tin-plated hits and goofy bounces saw Lyn’s Mighty Band Of Renown perform more like Joe Elastic and His Rubber Band. This madcap caper gave the gaining-more-confidence-by-the-moment AFS crew something to shout about, and shout they did. Heck, even the female with the batting average lower than our IQ got on base and scored. This brutal inning would’ve made a runaway train take a dirt road on a rainy night.
As her silent flock moped back to the bench trailing 10 to 5 and thinking that holy crap, we are in danger of actually losing this friggin’ game, Coach Lyn decided enough was enough and made The Speech (after she cuffed her bumbling clowns around a bit). Her message was simple but clear: practice patience at the plate and with Timmay and Tyler set to bat in the inning, that was no small feat. Lyn’s talk, through the miracle of osmosis, slowly leaked through to her team’s addled brains and the first four Ducks of the inning walked…and one of them was Timmay! We would’ve been less shocked if Julius Wechter and his Baja Marimba Band started performing on the puppet stage in center.
The Ducks were now only four runs down.
Ralph then went against Lyn’s teaching (who’s surprised?) and grounded a ball to the first baseman, clanking it off his glove and scoring a pair.
Only two runs down.
The AFS pitcher then motioned his outfield to move wayyy back with Tyler coming to the plate. The only problem was, it was Mike coming up to bat not Giraffe, so he waved them all the way back in. The old coot took this as a personal insult for some reason, and ripped a single (take that!), plating two.Tie game.
On second thought Tyler, take that any way you want. Heck, we like to live dangerously.
The Duck defense finally showed up to play in the fourth, giving a perturbed Ralph some support, and giving AFS a nice little bundle of diddly-squat.
Determined to get the lead back, the Ducks pushed across an entire run thanks to a Heini double and another AFS error. The rest of the inning produced nada, but the Champs led again, 5 to 4.
Then came the Inning Of Reckoning. Silly errors, tin-plated hits and goofy bounces saw Lyn’s Mighty Band Of Renown perform more like Joe Elastic and His Rubber Band. This madcap caper gave the gaining-more-confidence-by-the-moment AFS crew something to shout about, and shout they did. Heck, even the female with the batting average lower than our IQ got on base and scored. This brutal inning would’ve made a runaway train take a dirt road on a rainy night.
As her silent flock moped back to the bench trailing 10 to 5 and thinking that holy crap, we are in danger of actually losing this friggin’ game, Coach Lyn decided enough was enough and made The Speech (after she cuffed her bumbling clowns around a bit). Her message was simple but clear: practice patience at the plate and with Timmay and Tyler set to bat in the inning, that was no small feat. Lyn’s talk, through the miracle of osmosis, slowly leaked through to her team’s addled brains and the first four Ducks of the inning walked…and one of them was Timmay! We would’ve been less shocked if Julius Wechter and his Baja Marimba Band started performing on the puppet stage in center.
The Ducks were now only four runs down.
Ralph then went against Lyn’s teaching (who’s surprised?) and grounded a ball to the first baseman, clanking it off his glove and scoring a pair.
Only two runs down.
The AFS pitcher then motioned his outfield to move wayyy back with Tyler coming to the plate. The only problem was, it was Mike coming up to bat not Giraffe, so he waved them all the way back in. The old coot took this as a personal insult for some reason, and ripped a single (take that!), plating two.Tie game.
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Champs Show Moxie After Lyn Sets Them Straight - Part 3
6/07/2011
T-Rex then broke out his dusty, trusty Grogan Grunt® and pummeled a triple to the gap scoring Mike to take the lead. Brainguy made the first out of the inning a useful one, rapping a sac fly to left and scoring Erika (running for the departed Tyler).
The Patience Is A Virtue Tour finally came to a close as Coach Lyn smacked a single to center and the next three batters (Heini, Kathy and Mattie) followed their coach’s lead. Courtney still wasn’t convinced and took another walk (the fifth of the inning) while McDuff ignored the ‘wait-‘em-out’ advice and third base coach Kathy’s plea to hit the damned ball up the middle, pulling the first pitch down the left field line (missing K) and scoring Mattie with what was thought to be the 12th and final, by the rules, run of the inning. After the game, the official scorer pointed out they scored only 11 runs, but more importantly, Lyn’s brilliant talk got the Ducks swagger back and they raised the Jolly Roger to the tune of a 16 to 10 lead.
The defense that left Ralph in the lurch for most of the night returned quite nicely for the “closer” McDuff, at it shut down AFS immediately. Meanwhile the Ducks were quacking again, and picked up where they left off the inning before with Christine and Robert strolling to first on base on balls. Timmay, saying his one walk was PLENTY, thank you very much, singled in Christine. Bob came around on another costly error, Mike then doubled home Timmay and Brainguy hit his second sac fly of the night, lording it over the ever-jealous Mattie (who retaliated by asking BG how many home runs HE hit in the game), and the Ducks had a fairly comfortable 20 to 10 lead. Lyn ended the inning laughing, thanks to various “stick yer butt out” comments emanating from the “R” rated Duck bench.
AFS managed to get two runs back in the seventh, thanks to a walk (and not to a girl, shockingly) by “closer” McDuff and a valiant but futile pursuit by Bobby of a gap shot double. He later admitted that the speedy Timmay would’ve probably turned it into a triple. Erika hung Lyn out to dry, as she hesitated after spearing a ground ball, and then threw to Coach who was covering second for the force. The sliding AFSer slammed into Lyn’s thumb and aching innominate bones (aching from all her lunging no doubt) and she let out a yelp that got every dog in the tri-state area howling.
“Hey, it was my first throw of the night,” explained The Hick From North Adams.
No matter, so long as Lyn can lift up baby Sophie during the Christening.
The Ducks closed out the inning and the game, uneventfully, posting the final score of 20 to 12 and extending their unbeaten skein to 5.
Disappointingly for most of the team, no one listened to Lyn during the week when she asked for volunteers to bring the after game refreshments.
Give ‘em some credit though, coach; at least they listened to you at the right time last night!
AFS 0 1 3 0 6 0 2—12
Champs 0 4 0 1 (11) 4 x—20
The Patience Is A Virtue Tour finally came to a close as Coach Lyn smacked a single to center and the next three batters (Heini, Kathy and Mattie) followed their coach’s lead. Courtney still wasn’t convinced and took another walk (the fifth of the inning) while McDuff ignored the ‘wait-‘em-out’ advice and third base coach Kathy’s plea to hit the damned ball up the middle, pulling the first pitch down the left field line (missing K) and scoring Mattie with what was thought to be the 12th and final, by the rules, run of the inning. After the game, the official scorer pointed out they scored only 11 runs, but more importantly, Lyn’s brilliant talk got the Ducks swagger back and they raised the Jolly Roger to the tune of a 16 to 10 lead.
The defense that left Ralph in the lurch for most of the night returned quite nicely for the “closer” McDuff, at it shut down AFS immediately. Meanwhile the Ducks were quacking again, and picked up where they left off the inning before with Christine and Robert strolling to first on base on balls. Timmay, saying his one walk was PLENTY, thank you very much, singled in Christine. Bob came around on another costly error, Mike then doubled home Timmay and Brainguy hit his second sac fly of the night, lording it over the ever-jealous Mattie (who retaliated by asking BG how many home runs HE hit in the game), and the Ducks had a fairly comfortable 20 to 10 lead. Lyn ended the inning laughing, thanks to various “stick yer butt out” comments emanating from the “R” rated Duck bench.
AFS managed to get two runs back in the seventh, thanks to a walk (and not to a girl, shockingly) by “closer” McDuff and a valiant but futile pursuit by Bobby of a gap shot double. He later admitted that the speedy Timmay would’ve probably turned it into a triple. Erika hung Lyn out to dry, as she hesitated after spearing a ground ball, and then threw to Coach who was covering second for the force. The sliding AFSer slammed into Lyn’s thumb and aching innominate bones (aching from all her lunging no doubt) and she let out a yelp that got every dog in the tri-state area howling.
“Hey, it was my first throw of the night,” explained The Hick From North Adams.
No matter, so long as Lyn can lift up baby Sophie during the Christening.
The Ducks closed out the inning and the game, uneventfully, posting the final score of 20 to 12 and extending their unbeaten skein to 5.
Disappointingly for most of the team, no one listened to Lyn during the week when she asked for volunteers to bring the after game refreshments.
Give ‘em some credit though, coach; at least they listened to you at the right time last night!
AFS 0 1 3 0 6 0 2—12
Champs 0 4 0 1 (11) 4 x—20
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Champs Offense Goes Nova: Incinerates Bar Factory - Part 1
6/07/2011
YMCA Stadium, Home Of The Getting Dusty Infield, Foxborough MA—Playing their 2010 Finals opponents in the first of three this summer, Lyn’s Lame Ducks again proved that they mean business this season, sandblasting Bar Factory 29 to 14 to win their fourth game in a row.
“Heini, do I look like someone who owns a PURSE?!?!” was an irritated Coach Lyn’s only quote of the night. Even though our Lyn went 4 for 5 at the plate, she had a rough night on the coaching side of things. First off she had to figure out how to structure her defensive lineup with five gimpy Ducks (Brainguy toe, Timmay knee, Heini foot, Lyn hips, Court shoulder). Then seconds before going out for the ground rules, she had to physically grab Courtney to go and get a female from another team, as our own Christine actually forgot that she had a Duck game (heck it’s not like she’s busy or anything). Courtney scrambled and lassoed the mysterious Sam, who got to the bleachers and immediately began to disrobe. Considering that the Duck’s Hot Box Chick Chick Chickies throw out so many wild and whacky sexual innuendos amongst themselves, Sam was gonna fit right in.
Lyn also got trapped in the middle of a cold war between Grumpy Ump and Ralph and if that wasn’t bad enough, our coach began her night with pervy Neal stroking her arm during warm ups (insert your favorite puke noise here).
But as is usually the case in these situations, there was a game to be played and the Ducks followed right in the footsteps of Lyn’s foul (fowl?) mood by immediately giving up three runs in the top of the first. Then in their half of the inning, when leadoff hitter Brainguy flew out, it looked as if it was going to be a sad night for the Ducks offense. But no!
Lyn took her frustrations out and ripped a single. Heini followed with a double to the gap, Little E and Mattie both singled, Courtney walked, Bob and Sammy-girl singled, McDuff stole Mattie’s Sac Fly and just like that, the Ducks were ahead 5 to 3.
The lead expired faster than the shelf life of a beached mackerel as Bar Factory strung together a few cheapie hits, a couple of legitimate hits, and plenty of ugly hop shots to Erika at third. Word must’ve gotten out about Erika’s upcoming nuptials and her fear of getting a softball in the puss. The BARFs would painfully realize later on that hitting the ball to Erika was a losing proposition.
Timmay, wanting to “take it easy” with his sore knee, stretched a single to right field into a double, ruining his leg and his future of having children with a hard slide into second. He would score on a Brainguy single, but the Ducks would only get one as Mattie’s bid for a double down the third base line was thwarted by an “ole!” stab by the third baseman. It was 8 to 6 Bar Factory after two.
Ralph pitched out of a bases loaded jam in the third, giving up only one run while the Duck offense sharpened their bats for the upcoming apocalypse.
After a Courtney fly out, Bob reached on an error. Welcome Back Christine singled, as did McDuff, Ralph and the still-crazed-on-the-basepaths Timmay.
After Brainguy lined out to the secondbaseperson, Coach and Heini singled to put the Ducks back ahead, 11 to 9.
The Factory managed to get back within one, thanks to a small faux pas by left fielder Bob, who threw to second base, BEHIND the runner. When a stonefaced Lyn told Bob to “Stop throwing behind the runners,” Bob said he would’ve if he remembered that there was a runner on! At least he was honest; he could’ve blamed it on Timmay.
“Heini, do I look like someone who owns a PURSE?!?!” was an irritated Coach Lyn’s only quote of the night. Even though our Lyn went 4 for 5 at the plate, she had a rough night on the coaching side of things. First off she had to figure out how to structure her defensive lineup with five gimpy Ducks (Brainguy toe, Timmay knee, Heini foot, Lyn hips, Court shoulder). Then seconds before going out for the ground rules, she had to physically grab Courtney to go and get a female from another team, as our own Christine actually forgot that she had a Duck game (heck it’s not like she’s busy or anything). Courtney scrambled and lassoed the mysterious Sam, who got to the bleachers and immediately began to disrobe. Considering that the Duck’s Hot Box Chick Chick Chickies throw out so many wild and whacky sexual innuendos amongst themselves, Sam was gonna fit right in.
Lyn also got trapped in the middle of a cold war between Grumpy Ump and Ralph and if that wasn’t bad enough, our coach began her night with pervy Neal stroking her arm during warm ups (insert your favorite puke noise here).
But as is usually the case in these situations, there was a game to be played and the Ducks followed right in the footsteps of Lyn’s foul (fowl?) mood by immediately giving up three runs in the top of the first. Then in their half of the inning, when leadoff hitter Brainguy flew out, it looked as if it was going to be a sad night for the Ducks offense. But no!
Lyn took her frustrations out and ripped a single. Heini followed with a double to the gap, Little E and Mattie both singled, Courtney walked, Bob and Sammy-girl singled, McDuff stole Mattie’s Sac Fly and just like that, the Ducks were ahead 5 to 3.
The lead expired faster than the shelf life of a beached mackerel as Bar Factory strung together a few cheapie hits, a couple of legitimate hits, and plenty of ugly hop shots to Erika at third. Word must’ve gotten out about Erika’s upcoming nuptials and her fear of getting a softball in the puss. The BARFs would painfully realize later on that hitting the ball to Erika was a losing proposition.
Timmay, wanting to “take it easy” with his sore knee, stretched a single to right field into a double, ruining his leg and his future of having children with a hard slide into second. He would score on a Brainguy single, but the Ducks would only get one as Mattie’s bid for a double down the third base line was thwarted by an “ole!” stab by the third baseman. It was 8 to 6 Bar Factory after two.
Ralph pitched out of a bases loaded jam in the third, giving up only one run while the Duck offense sharpened their bats for the upcoming apocalypse.
After a Courtney fly out, Bob reached on an error. Welcome Back Christine singled, as did McDuff, Ralph and the still-crazed-on-the-basepaths Timmay.
After Brainguy lined out to the secondbaseperson, Coach and Heini singled to put the Ducks back ahead, 11 to 9.
The Factory managed to get back within one, thanks to a small faux pas by left fielder Bob, who threw to second base, BEHIND the runner. When a stonefaced Lyn told Bob to “Stop throwing behind the runners,” Bob said he would’ve if he remembered that there was a runner on! At least he was honest; he could’ve blamed it on Timmay.
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Champs Offense Goes Nova: Incinerates Bar Factory - Part 2
6/07/2011
Lyn’s Flock expanded it’s lead, plating six gorgeous little runs, parented by six singles and a Brainguy double who got off the phone long enough to step to the plate and hack. He got back to his call moments later. Of note: Cheesie stuck her butt out to try and go opposite field (with two strikes no less) and STILL pulled it to third. Oh well, at least it was a good show for the fans and the third base coach. Mercifully, Neal was not in sighting distance. It was 17-10 Ducks after four.
The wheels came off in the fifth: Grumpy Ump called a “ball” on Ralph as he didn’t throw to the plate in the “allotted time.” Ralph pushed back, Grumpy ump did the same, and Coach Lyn, who was catching, rolled her eyes heavenward. There was a deep fly ball to Bob in left, who tracked it down, overran it, fell to knees and Charlie Browned it. A single just out of the reach of Brainguy and the subsequent bad hops in the outfield thanks to the hedgehog holes got the Bars back within three. It was a bit of a nervous time as McDuff blew a prime opportunity to increase the Duck lead in the bottom of the inning, but felt it better to ground into a bases loaded double play instead (idiot).
In the top of the sixth, Brainguy and Court thwarted another Bar Factory rally, pulling off a nifty double play, leaving the BARFS with squat and holding the score at 17-14.
Then…showtime!
Ralph singled, Timmay walked and both scored on another double by the multi-tasking Brainguy. Lyn walked, and Heini hit a shot to the shortstop who made the unfortunate choice to throw home. Two runs scored on his gaffe. After Little E lined out to the pitcher (hey! Opposite field for her!), Mattie and Court both got on base. Bob shipped a double to the gap, Christine reached on an error then six singles in a row (McDuff, Ralphie, Timmay, Brainguy, Lyn and Heini) put the official stamp on a 12 run inning and a mercy rule win. It was the most runs the Ducks have scored in an inning this year and it came with no grayboxing added!
After the game, Lyn and The League Boy discussed the little meltdown of Grumpy Ump, who made a scene towards the end of the game by INSISTING he know the score. Seems G.U. had worked in the morning then umped A LOT of games. The thing is, except for a bad non-strike call and his tete a tete with Ralph, he didn’t make ANY BAD CALLS ON THE BASES.
And we thought that the end of the world was coming LAST month!
BARFs 3 5 1 1 4 0—14
Champs 5 1 5 6 0 (12)—29
The wheels came off in the fifth: Grumpy Ump called a “ball” on Ralph as he didn’t throw to the plate in the “allotted time.” Ralph pushed back, Grumpy ump did the same, and Coach Lyn, who was catching, rolled her eyes heavenward. There was a deep fly ball to Bob in left, who tracked it down, overran it, fell to knees and Charlie Browned it. A single just out of the reach of Brainguy and the subsequent bad hops in the outfield thanks to the hedgehog holes got the Bars back within three. It was a bit of a nervous time as McDuff blew a prime opportunity to increase the Duck lead in the bottom of the inning, but felt it better to ground into a bases loaded double play instead (idiot).
In the top of the sixth, Brainguy and Court thwarted another Bar Factory rally, pulling off a nifty double play, leaving the BARFS with squat and holding the score at 17-14.
Then…showtime!
Ralph singled, Timmay walked and both scored on another double by the multi-tasking Brainguy. Lyn walked, and Heini hit a shot to the shortstop who made the unfortunate choice to throw home. Two runs scored on his gaffe. After Little E lined out to the pitcher (hey! Opposite field for her!), Mattie and Court both got on base. Bob shipped a double to the gap, Christine reached on an error then six singles in a row (McDuff, Ralphie, Timmay, Brainguy, Lyn and Heini) put the official stamp on a 12 run inning and a mercy rule win. It was the most runs the Ducks have scored in an inning this year and it came with no grayboxing added!
After the game, Lyn and The League Boy discussed the little meltdown of Grumpy Ump, who made a scene towards the end of the game by INSISTING he know the score. Seems G.U. had worked in the morning then umped A LOT of games. The thing is, except for a bad non-strike call and his tete a tete with Ralph, he didn’t make ANY BAD CALLS ON THE BASES.
And we thought that the end of the world was coming LAST month!
BARFs 3 5 1 1 4 0—14
Champs 5 1 5 6 0 (12)—29
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Champs Say �T.G.I.Fooey!�
5/27/2011
YMCA Stadium, Home Of The Freshly Mowed Field, Foxborough MA—Lyn’s Lame Ducks managed to get the softball gods to cooperate by keeping the rain away, but now they have to practice whatever voodoo dance there is that makes their opponents show up fielding a team.
“Yeah, T.G.I.LAME!” bitched Coach Lyn, resplendent in her pumpkin orange socks as their challengers, T.G.I.Friday’s appeared with a whopping team of four. When told that we were really trying to play off the “F” in T.G.I.F., Lyn yelled, “Well, then how about T.G.I.(F-bomb) Heads!!”
Well, we asked for it (and yes, we KNOW “fooey” is spelled “Phooey,” but as we said “play off of the “F”…remember? You should…we just TOLD you, you silly kids with the four second attention spans).
The Champs were all set to motor, coming off of a two week layoff, but instead they had to push the Ferrari back into the garage and break out the smartphones.
As the T.G.I.Four started to slink away into the gathering gloom, their coach claimed he “called 14 players” to come and play. The YMCA League pointed out that calling his multiple personalities and getting them to play still counted as only one person. The Y is currently facing 14 lawsuits for discrimination.
So the Ducks decided to do a little batting practice, with the challenge being to hit enough high fly balls to Erika that one would sting her face for her upcoming nuptials. “Don’t wanna look bad for the pictures!” she said, dodging another Tyler Tower. What’s the matter, you never heard of Photoshop?
After the practice, Mattie pointed out that it was good to get out and just hit, as long as no one got hurt. This is from the man who was rifling bullets back at the pitcher as if he were the target at a dunk tank.
In the end, the forfeit final was 7 to 0, with Lyn making Courtney the winning pitcher, just to spite Tyler who wants to pitch soooo bad. Each player is listed as going 1 for 1, even though Lyn lobbied hard to have Timmay listed as striking out.
Another week and a half will pass before the Ducks gather on the pond again, this time playing the team they beat in the finals of the Summer and Frostbite championship games, Bar Factory.
Do that voodoo that you do so well y'all.
CHAMPS 1 1 1 1 1 1 1—7
T.G.I.F. 0 0 0 0 0 0 0—0
“Yeah, T.G.I.LAME!” bitched Coach Lyn, resplendent in her pumpkin orange socks as their challengers, T.G.I.Friday’s appeared with a whopping team of four. When told that we were really trying to play off the “F” in T.G.I.F., Lyn yelled, “Well, then how about T.G.I.(F-bomb) Heads!!”
Well, we asked for it (and yes, we KNOW “fooey” is spelled “Phooey,” but as we said “play off of the “F”…remember? You should…we just TOLD you, you silly kids with the four second attention spans).
The Champs were all set to motor, coming off of a two week layoff, but instead they had to push the Ferrari back into the garage and break out the smartphones.
As the T.G.I.Four started to slink away into the gathering gloom, their coach claimed he “called 14 players” to come and play. The YMCA League pointed out that calling his multiple personalities and getting them to play still counted as only one person. The Y is currently facing 14 lawsuits for discrimination.
So the Ducks decided to do a little batting practice, with the challenge being to hit enough high fly balls to Erika that one would sting her face for her upcoming nuptials. “Don’t wanna look bad for the pictures!” she said, dodging another Tyler Tower. What’s the matter, you never heard of Photoshop?
After the practice, Mattie pointed out that it was good to get out and just hit, as long as no one got hurt. This is from the man who was rifling bullets back at the pitcher as if he were the target at a dunk tank.
In the end, the forfeit final was 7 to 0, with Lyn making Courtney the winning pitcher, just to spite Tyler who wants to pitch soooo bad. Each player is listed as going 1 for 1, even though Lyn lobbied hard to have Timmay listed as striking out.
Another week and a half will pass before the Ducks gather on the pond again, this time playing the team they beat in the finals of the Summer and Frostbite championship games, Bar Factory.
Do that voodoo that you do so well y'all.
CHAMPS 1 1 1 1 1 1 1—7
T.G.I.F. 0 0 0 0 0 0 0—0
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Champs Show That Indeed; A's Are Better Than B's - Part 1
5/13/2011
YMCA Stadium, Home Of The Centerfield Booby Traps, Foxborough MA—The Champs first journey into interleague play last night happened to be against the 2010 winner of the ‘B’ Division, Sterling Equipment. Unfortunately for Sterling, their reputation got a bit tarnished as Lyn’s Lame Ducks oxidized and doubled-up the top ‘B’ listers, 14 to 7.
“Let’s see, whom do I send down to Rookie Ball?” mused Coach Lyn after a three-hit performance by the Mysterious Dave had her rethinking her roster choices.
Sterling Equipment kept nipping at the Ducks heels for most of the night until the Champs finally put them in a choke collar with their withering defense.
Before their first at bat, the Ducks gave their opponents a traditional bow of respect, then proceeded to get down to business and, in the words of Mattie’s Luke, “kick their scrawny asses.”
Playing their second night in a row on the road, Lyn’s Flock got a couple of runs in the first when Brainguy led with a single, scored on a Tyler two-bagger, then T-Rex himself strolled home on a ringing single by The Coach.
That lead was given back immediately thanks to the irradiant pitching of McDuff who gave up an over-Tyler’s-head-which-is-no-mean-feat bases loaded triple, which put Sterling ahead 3 to 2. Phooey.
At this point, some April showers made their appearance (wait, this is MAY) and added to the gloomy mood. Since it’s said that rain makes “fine weather for…” well, you know, the Ducks decided it was time to take the lead for good. Actually it was the Some-Days-I’m-A-Duck Dave who saved the regulars bacon, coming through in the clutch with a two-out, bases loaded meteor to right. Not to be outdone by a part-time Quacker, Brainguy and Christine did their part to stay off of the Bus To The Minors, whacking a couple of RBI singles to make the score 7 to 3.
McDuff gave up one more run in the second before he was mercifully relieved with the grand news being that he didn’t walk a female, a certifiably rare occurrence.
The third inning was a foul-smelling conglomeration by the Webfeet, well except for Coach, or course, who singled! Then it was fielders’ choice, fly out, fly out by the rest of the lineup. Yum yum.
Sterling got another one in their half, making it a “game,” at 7 to 5.
The mystical Dave struck again for the Ducks in the fourth, plating both Bobby and Ralphie-boy with a one-hop-to-the-right-field-guillotine-net triple which pushed the lead to 9 to 5 (What a way to make a living. Hey it’s a line from a song, Google it, children!).
The Ducks put another two bricks in the wall in the fifth, taking advantage of three ‘B’ division walks and two legitimate (well, kind of) singles. Sterling scored their obligatory run on a sort of a kind of a home run to right. We say that because on the hit, Lyn went out to be the cutoff (no, the outfielder was NOT Timmay so she wasn’t wasting her time). Ms. Atkinson figured out with her slide rule mind that her relay to Dave would easily nail the lumbering runner at the plate, but a slippery ball (a variable NOT added into Lyn’s mathematical formula, tsk, tsk) caused her throw to dribble like a wounded butterfly towards the general direction of second base. Oops. This made the score 11 to 6.
“Let’s see, whom do I send down to Rookie Ball?” mused Coach Lyn after a three-hit performance by the Mysterious Dave had her rethinking her roster choices.
Sterling Equipment kept nipping at the Ducks heels for most of the night until the Champs finally put them in a choke collar with their withering defense.
Before their first at bat, the Ducks gave their opponents a traditional bow of respect, then proceeded to get down to business and, in the words of Mattie’s Luke, “kick their scrawny asses.”
Playing their second night in a row on the road, Lyn’s Flock got a couple of runs in the first when Brainguy led with a single, scored on a Tyler two-bagger, then T-Rex himself strolled home on a ringing single by The Coach.
That lead was given back immediately thanks to the irradiant pitching of McDuff who gave up an over-Tyler’s-head-which-is-no-mean-feat bases loaded triple, which put Sterling ahead 3 to 2. Phooey.
At this point, some April showers made their appearance (wait, this is MAY) and added to the gloomy mood. Since it’s said that rain makes “fine weather for…” well, you know, the Ducks decided it was time to take the lead for good. Actually it was the Some-Days-I’m-A-Duck Dave who saved the regulars bacon, coming through in the clutch with a two-out, bases loaded meteor to right. Not to be outdone by a part-time Quacker, Brainguy and Christine did their part to stay off of the Bus To The Minors, whacking a couple of RBI singles to make the score 7 to 3.
McDuff gave up one more run in the second before he was mercifully relieved with the grand news being that he didn’t walk a female, a certifiably rare occurrence.
The third inning was a foul-smelling conglomeration by the Webfeet, well except for Coach, or course, who singled! Then it was fielders’ choice, fly out, fly out by the rest of the lineup. Yum yum.
Sterling got another one in their half, making it a “game,” at 7 to 5.
The mystical Dave struck again for the Ducks in the fourth, plating both Bobby and Ralphie-boy with a one-hop-to-the-right-field-guillotine-net triple which pushed the lead to 9 to 5 (What a way to make a living. Hey it’s a line from a song, Google it, children!).
The Ducks put another two bricks in the wall in the fifth, taking advantage of three ‘B’ division walks and two legitimate (well, kind of) singles. Sterling scored their obligatory run on a sort of a kind of a home run to right. We say that because on the hit, Lyn went out to be the cutoff (no, the outfielder was NOT Timmay so she wasn’t wasting her time). Ms. Atkinson figured out with her slide rule mind that her relay to Dave would easily nail the lumbering runner at the plate, but a slippery ball (a variable NOT added into Lyn’s mathematical formula, tsk, tsk) caused her throw to dribble like a wounded butterfly towards the general direction of second base. Oops. This made the score 11 to 6.
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Champs Show That Indeed; A's Are Better Than B's Part 2
5/13/2011
In the sixth, softball life was about to go unexpectantly south for Brainguy. Bob led off with a single, Timmay walked, Ralph doubled home those two, the now famous Dave doubled Ralph home and Brainguy walked. The Ducks seemed to be in the midst of a certifiably Big Inning until Christine lofted a little pop to the first baseman and Brainguy inexplicably started running towards third for reasons he still has yet to satisfactorily explain. He was, of course, easily hung out to dry (Sort of like when you dream you’re wearing just your underpants in front of an auditorium full of people. But knowing Brain, he probably likes that). Our Man Tyler, playing his last game before proboscis surgery, put the finishing touches on the former sizzle but now fizzle of an inning with a pop to right center. Despite all of this mumbo jumbo the Ducks still managed to increase their lead to 14 to 6.
While all of this offensive nonsense was going on, the North Adams Farm Girl was putting on quite a defensive show at third base, as the ‘boys’ kept trying to ‘test’ “That GIRL at third.”
Yeah well as you may have noticed kiddos, that GIRL will take your damned lunch money and give you a fat lip for your troubles if you’re not careful. So they hit the ball to Brainguy in center instead, who went back, back, back on a fly ball and managed to glove a piece of it before he decided he should probably stop before shredding himself on the giant red alphabet block in center. Brainguy’s selfishness in saving his life gave Sterling their last run of the night.
In the seventh, the Ducks had their blandest inning of the young season, going F-7, F-7, F-7 (if you were in Vegas and got that combo, you’d be rich!). Sterling didn’t do itself any favors in its half of the seventh, although the final out of the night would’ve found itself right at home on a vaudeville stage. A TOUGH hitter pops up in front of the plate. Poor Courtney lost it and stood there until two seconds passed by and people started to yell, “COURT!” She found the falling ball just in time and got her glove on it. Unfortunately for our ‘Ney the spin of the ball made it squirt away one inch from the dish. While the disgusted batter was moping back to the bench, The Umpire With The Romulan Salute Who Is A Billion Years Better Than Monday Night’s Mute Man In Blue pointed “fair ball!” so Court picked it up and threw to first. Only problem was that Christine was just approaching the bag and by golly if the throw didn’t clank off of her glove and roll into foul territory. Ralph, who doesn’t have any friends so he says, ran to cover first but no worries, the batter was still uninterested, Christine picked up the ball, stepped on first and denied Ralph’s friend request by ending the game. Final scoring on the play; 2 to 3 with 1 standing by (‘Cause as we know, “one is the loneliest number that has ever been.” You punks can look that up too if you'd like).
So now the Ducks take their 2 and 0 start and play The New Look Stabbin’. Hey it’s the Ducks first home game of the year and you know what that means: time to raise the championship banner!
Weird Girl will be singing the National Anthem. No Heini, we're not sure what she's NOT going to be wearing.
DUCKS 2 5 0 2 2 3 0—14
STERLING 3 1 1 0 1 1 0—7
While all of this offensive nonsense was going on, the North Adams Farm Girl was putting on quite a defensive show at third base, as the ‘boys’ kept trying to ‘test’ “That GIRL at third.”
Yeah well as you may have noticed kiddos, that GIRL will take your damned lunch money and give you a fat lip for your troubles if you’re not careful. So they hit the ball to Brainguy in center instead, who went back, back, back on a fly ball and managed to glove a piece of it before he decided he should probably stop before shredding himself on the giant red alphabet block in center. Brainguy’s selfishness in saving his life gave Sterling their last run of the night.
In the seventh, the Ducks had their blandest inning of the young season, going F-7, F-7, F-7 (if you were in Vegas and got that combo, you’d be rich!). Sterling didn’t do itself any favors in its half of the seventh, although the final out of the night would’ve found itself right at home on a vaudeville stage. A TOUGH hitter pops up in front of the plate. Poor Courtney lost it and stood there until two seconds passed by and people started to yell, “COURT!” She found the falling ball just in time and got her glove on it. Unfortunately for our ‘Ney the spin of the ball made it squirt away one inch from the dish. While the disgusted batter was moping back to the bench, The Umpire With The Romulan Salute Who Is A Billion Years Better Than Monday Night’s Mute Man In Blue pointed “fair ball!” so Court picked it up and threw to first. Only problem was that Christine was just approaching the bag and by golly if the throw didn’t clank off of her glove and roll into foul territory. Ralph, who doesn’t have any friends so he says, ran to cover first but no worries, the batter was still uninterested, Christine picked up the ball, stepped on first and denied Ralph’s friend request by ending the game. Final scoring on the play; 2 to 3 with 1 standing by (‘Cause as we know, “one is the loneliest number that has ever been.” You punks can look that up too if you'd like).
So now the Ducks take their 2 and 0 start and play The New Look Stabbin’. Hey it’s the Ducks first home game of the year and you know what that means: time to raise the championship banner!
Weird Girl will be singing the National Anthem. No Heini, we're not sure what she's NOT going to be wearing.
DUCKS 2 5 0 2 2 3 0—14
STERLING 3 1 1 0 1 1 0—7
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Champs Serve Notice; Stroll By Upper Deck - Part 1
5/13/2011
YMCA Stadium, Home Of The Mine Field Outfield, Foxborough MA—Lyn’s Lame Ducks, playing their first game since they won the Frostbite Championship on a cold November day back in The Year We (didn’t) Make Contact, showed the league that they plan on defending their titles with vigor, easily dispatching Neal’s Upper Deck Misanthropes, 22 to 8.
“I’m SO PSYCHED to be playing ball again I can’t even tell ya!!!!” burbled Coach Lyn and that was two weeks BEFORE the game. Her enthusiasm was SO contagious that even Tyler ALMOST cracked a smile (but didn’t. He DID crack his nose, though. Does that count?).
The Champs set right out to show the world that they meant business, going single, out, out, error and out in their half of the first. Included in this stellar offensive performance was a chip shot foul to the third baseman by Tyler, who came back to the bench mumbling, that it was “his bat.” The bat is now dragging him on Judge Judy, suing him for slander.
Meanwhile, Upper Deck plated a run thanks to the first Duck error of the year, an errant throw to first by the North Adams Farm Girl at third. She easily made up for it later, catching everything that came her way (even though she herself admitted she didn’t have to throw the ball). She also put a noisy ‘Decker in his place after he kept yelling to Cheesie “Drop it, drop it, drop it” while she was tracking a pop up. When asked if she heard him, Erika merely said, “Naw, thanks to my job, I’m used to tuning out assholes.”
Oh snap!
We’d say that The Ducks took the lead for good in the second but truthfully, since Upper Deck was a chick short which gave our heroes a five run gift, they were technically already ahead, 5 to 1. Anyways, Lyn singled, Mattie singled Lyn to second (don’t worry: he’d have a sac fly chance later on!) then Erika hit a pop fly to a backpedaling shortstop. Whether or not he caught it got a little vague at this point because the game’s arbiter, who must’ve been umpiring the contest in Braille, we THINK signaled “no catch.” Lyn disputes this, mainly because Mattie then met her on the second base bag, gave her a hug and told her she really SHOULD try and get to third. Unfortunately, Lyn stood agape at all the goings on and got tagged out (maybe it was the hug, eh??). At any rate, Mattie and Erika ended up scoring on a fielding error, upping the Duck ante to 7.
The Waterfowl pitcher, who would give way the next inning to the Bluetooth-wearing Ralph, shut out Neal’s Deviants, so the score was 7 to 1 after two.
The Champs put the game away in the third with the cornerstone of the inning being a three run homer by The Big Galoot, who’s parabolic shot to center was reminiscent of Alan Shepard’s soaring Redstone during America’s first manned space flight fifty years ago. Throw in a Brainguy RBI double, an Erika RBI single (with Lyn and Mattie crossing the plate AT DIFFERENT TIMES) and you’ve got yourself a crooked number and a 14 to 1 lead.
The Ducks pushed across a couple more in the fourth (with a wildly windmilling third base coach sending Timmay home from SECOND on Brainguy’s Sac Fly), and thanks to a nifty running catch on a screaming liner by said Timmay, Upper Deck only got a lonely run. Timmay, who had a brilliant fielding night, didn’t hit the cutoff on that play, either (well, it WAS the third out after all).
“I’m SO PSYCHED to be playing ball again I can’t even tell ya!!!!” burbled Coach Lyn and that was two weeks BEFORE the game. Her enthusiasm was SO contagious that even Tyler ALMOST cracked a smile (but didn’t. He DID crack his nose, though. Does that count?).
The Champs set right out to show the world that they meant business, going single, out, out, error and out in their half of the first. Included in this stellar offensive performance was a chip shot foul to the third baseman by Tyler, who came back to the bench mumbling, that it was “his bat.” The bat is now dragging him on Judge Judy, suing him for slander.
Meanwhile, Upper Deck plated a run thanks to the first Duck error of the year, an errant throw to first by the North Adams Farm Girl at third. She easily made up for it later, catching everything that came her way (even though she herself admitted she didn’t have to throw the ball). She also put a noisy ‘Decker in his place after he kept yelling to Cheesie “Drop it, drop it, drop it” while she was tracking a pop up. When asked if she heard him, Erika merely said, “Naw, thanks to my job, I’m used to tuning out assholes.”
Oh snap!
We’d say that The Ducks took the lead for good in the second but truthfully, since Upper Deck was a chick short which gave our heroes a five run gift, they were technically already ahead, 5 to 1. Anyways, Lyn singled, Mattie singled Lyn to second (don’t worry: he’d have a sac fly chance later on!) then Erika hit a pop fly to a backpedaling shortstop. Whether or not he caught it got a little vague at this point because the game’s arbiter, who must’ve been umpiring the contest in Braille, we THINK signaled “no catch.” Lyn disputes this, mainly because Mattie then met her on the second base bag, gave her a hug and told her she really SHOULD try and get to third. Unfortunately, Lyn stood agape at all the goings on and got tagged out (maybe it was the hug, eh??). At any rate, Mattie and Erika ended up scoring on a fielding error, upping the Duck ante to 7.
The Waterfowl pitcher, who would give way the next inning to the Bluetooth-wearing Ralph, shut out Neal’s Deviants, so the score was 7 to 1 after two.
The Champs put the game away in the third with the cornerstone of the inning being a three run homer by The Big Galoot, who’s parabolic shot to center was reminiscent of Alan Shepard’s soaring Redstone during America’s first manned space flight fifty years ago. Throw in a Brainguy RBI double, an Erika RBI single (with Lyn and Mattie crossing the plate AT DIFFERENT TIMES) and you’ve got yourself a crooked number and a 14 to 1 lead.
The Ducks pushed across a couple more in the fourth (with a wildly windmilling third base coach sending Timmay home from SECOND on Brainguy’s Sac Fly), and thanks to a nifty running catch on a screaming liner by said Timmay, Upper Deck only got a lonely run. Timmay, who had a brilliant fielding night, didn’t hit the cutoff on that play, either (well, it WAS the third out after all).
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Champs Serve Notice; Stroll By Upper Deck - Part 2
5/13/2011
Lyn’s Flock entered Bizzaro World in the fourth as the mute umpire decided it was time to treat the Champs more like Chumps. Kathy flew out to start then E doubled to the gap (one of the only times the Ducks shot the gap even with Upper Deck playing three outfielders). Our Coach came up and smacked a ball to short, with the mouthy shortstop making an errant throw. The first baseperson’s foot was about as close to the bag as New Zealand is close to the dark side of the Moon but that didn’t matter as Coachie was called OUT (wait: did he actually SAY “out”? Oh My Gawd!). Lyn might’ve been perplexed (she thought only Grumpy Ump was that bad) but she got trumped by Erika who moments later took a called third strike on a pitch that was so high, she couldn’t have hit it even if she were atop the Burj Khalifa in Dubai (Google it on your SMARTPHONES punks!).
This must’ve rattled the Ducks as Neal’s Team put up four quick runs thanks mostly to the Quacker defense break(dance)ing down. Kathy saved her life at third by OLE!-ing a sizzling one-hopper and someone deep in the outfield dropped a fly ball. We’re not exactly sure who it was, or if the ball was really dropped because it’s tough to see, doncha know, on a ball field whose only illumination is provided by three birthday candles and a glowworm. Upper Deck was pretty psyched about their accomplishment, even though they still trailed 16 to 7.
The Champs then went into a normal maintenance cycle, scoring five more runs over the final two innings on three hits, a walk and four silly errors to finally crush any kind of false hope generated by Neal’s Pervs. The highlight of the final frames was the UD shortstop throwing a unguided missile home and almost killing his catcher, the Duck runner and (oh please, oh please, oh please) the umpire (darn).
As the high-fives were exchanged, The Champs had thrown down the gauntlet and set themselves on an obstacle course laden with ‘A’ and ‘B’ teams, bad hops and lousy umpires in defense of their Title.
And, of course, the editor got his own, bought-by-Lyn, scorebook.
And to think we were going to retire from writing these things this year. Sigh.
CHAMPS (+5) 0 2 7 2 1 1 4—22
UPPER DINKS 1 0 1 1 4 0 1—8
This must’ve rattled the Ducks as Neal’s Team put up four quick runs thanks mostly to the Quacker defense break(dance)ing down. Kathy saved her life at third by OLE!-ing a sizzling one-hopper and someone deep in the outfield dropped a fly ball. We’re not exactly sure who it was, or if the ball was really dropped because it’s tough to see, doncha know, on a ball field whose only illumination is provided by three birthday candles and a glowworm. Upper Deck was pretty psyched about their accomplishment, even though they still trailed 16 to 7.
The Champs then went into a normal maintenance cycle, scoring five more runs over the final two innings on three hits, a walk and four silly errors to finally crush any kind of false hope generated by Neal’s Pervs. The highlight of the final frames was the UD shortstop throwing a unguided missile home and almost killing his catcher, the Duck runner and (oh please, oh please, oh please) the umpire (darn).
As the high-fives were exchanged, The Champs had thrown down the gauntlet and set themselves on an obstacle course laden with ‘A’ and ‘B’ teams, bad hops and lousy umpires in defense of their Title.
And, of course, the editor got his own, bought-by-Lyn, scorebook.
And to think we were going to retire from writing these things this year. Sigh.
CHAMPS (+5) 0 2 7 2 1 1 4—22
UPPER DINKS 1 0 1 1 4 0 1—8
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