4/01/2010

2009 Vavi National Kickball Tournament Champions Slumpbusters make their highly anticipated return to the Kickball OB Field of Dreams at Ebers and Newport tonight. Fans, players and management are all keen on the return to the kickball circuit that the team has dominated in recent memory. “We’re excited for sure,” stated GM “I Need a” Hiro Suzuki. “You can compare us to a hungry Tiger Woods coming back for The Masters in pursuit of Jack Nicklaus’ record of majors won or Wilt Chamberlain’s 10,000 women mark. And even though we did win the tournament back in August, nobody has forgotten about the regular season title that got swiped away from us in July. Believe me, we are hungry for a regular season title.”
The Slumpbusters will feature many familiar faces with a handful of players entering their ninth season in Slumpbuster Red. “I can’t imagine playing for another team,” said Dave “El Logo” Rodrigues. “You see, when I bleed, it’s red because I bleed Slumpbuster Red. If it’s another color, then I may have to change teams, but until then, I’m a Slumpbuster for life…and a really, really good-looking one.” However, Rodrigues’ long-time teammate Ahmad “I’m Going” Solomon’s loyalty was in jeopardy as he held out for the entire off-season demanding a trade to one of the Los Angeles teams. Solomon even went so far as to say he would retire before donning a Slumpbuster jersey again. “It’s all good now. I just wanted the front office to show some respect to the token black guy,” commented Solomon. “We had to re-work my contract a little bit, but as you may well know, every kickball team needs minority representation so negotiations went fairly smoothly. All I did was pull the race card every time.” Other seasoned veterans returning to the squad include Belle “I’m a Wo-” Manzano and Paul “Bunyan” Saleh.
Season 9 will feature a couple of fresh faces that will add firepower to the already potent line-up. After a grueling combine on Sunday afternoon, Jason Huang impressed the Slumpbuster front office enough to warrant a one-season contract as a utility player featuring mainly in left field. “I can’t express in words how happy I am to be part of the storied franchise,” admitted Huang. “I was trying to tell my extended family in Taiwan how awesome it is to be a Slumpbuster, but since I can’t speak Chinese Mandarin so I couldn’t do it anyway, but I could tell they were super happy for me. They heard ‘Slumpbusters’ and their reaction was akin to me saying ‘Godzirra.’” Team management see enormous potential in Huang, who will be looked upon to provide solid defensive coverage in the outfield but will have to adjust to the offensive demands of the game over the course of the season.
Making waves is nothing new for the Slumpbuster organization, and apparently the franchise outdid itself with its recent signing of Brian “It’s All About the” O’Connor. “Brian O’Connor is the greatest acquisition we have made since our four player acquisition of Yearwood, Peterson, Dopart and Bunch in Season 3. He can kick, catch, run, throw and hit on women like the best of them,” proclaimed GM Suzuki. “It was a tough facebook negotiation for one day, but Brian finally agreed to make appearances after the San Diego Sockers professional indoor team finishes up its season. Plus, he has a twin brother Erin, so it’s pretty much a 2-for-1 special.” O’Connor will likely be placed in the outfield and at the top of the kicking order. He will be counted upon especially when Suzuki takes a hiatus for marathon training. Asked what will happen when both are present, Suzuki said, “Then we’re going to destroy the other team.”
A familiar face will be back in the line-up as Pam “Vanilla” Ison returns to the Slumpbusters after a long hiatus. In her press conference, Ison revealed that she needed some time off to recuperate: “Being a Slumpbuster is a 24/7 job. You always have to be on your game, and people expect so much from you on and off the field. I guess I was a little burned out there towards the end of my first stint, but now I’m ready to get back out there and be the best Slumbuster I can be.” Ison will be joined by a couple new teammates, including Ashley “Special” Edwards (editor’s note: TWiK is neither demeaning Special Ed kids nor implying that Edward was a Special Ed student.), who is recovering from knee discomfort but should be ready for Opening Night.
The off-season brought plenty of Slumpbuster gossip, headlined by the two female infielders of the squad. Rumor has it that veteran second basewoman Amber Bunch “of Hugs and Kisses” was on a date with an entertainer by the name of Jason Mraz. Bunch declined to comment on the Mraz rumor but issued the following statement: “I spent the off-season relaxing in Belize and building the base for my post-kickball career as a runway model. I know that my time kicking and catching a big red cherry ball is finite, but I can say that I am still willing and able to contribute to the Slumpbuster cause.” Although Bunch’s love life remains a mystery, Chris “Epic” Yearwood and Miranda’s intrasquad relationship is no longer a secret. “I updated my facebook profile pic, and yes, that is a picture of me and Chris,” admitted Miranda. In response to when she knew that she liked Yearwood, Miranda answered, “I think it’s when he did the splits the first time trying to catch a ball from Dave. I figured that would translate to something in bed. I’m still waiting.”
Rounding out the squad are starting pitcher Peterson and lead female kicker Kerri “Me Home, Turn the Lights Off” Dopart. Peterson has indicated that his goal for this season is to throw a perfect game: “I have chronic back ache, tight hamstrings, plantar fasciitis, a torn rotator cuff and recovering from a dislocated elbow, but I see no reason for me not to be able to throw a perfect game. I’m still a spry 37 years old this year – Nolan Ryan threw his last no-no when he was 43 years old.” Meanwhile, his counterpart Dopart will look to continue perfecting her bunting to bring home the fifth regular season tile.
One worry for the Slumpbusters as they enter their ninth season is their relatively high average age – most players are over 30 years of age and some kickball insiders believe that the team is on its proverbial last legs. “That’s why we took an 8-month off-season break,” said Team Spokesman Yearwood. “So now we are charged up and ready to straight murder teams. Last legs my big pee pee. I’ll give those doubters something big to suck on at the end of the season!!! Believe it SUN!!!!!”
The Slumpbusters open their season versus BALLSTASTIC! tonight at 6PM.
Miranda Pre-Season MVP Poll
1) Krissy Miranda
2) Prommy Miranda
3) Sherri Miranda
4) Chris Yearwood
5) Brian O’Connor
Will Chris Yearwood’s hamstring turn black and blue again by stretching out for a ball at first base?
YES – 58%
NO – 42%
Will Jason Mraz come to watch a kickball game?
YES – 37%
NO – 63%
How many errors will Jason Huang make in the outfield this season?
0 (Suzuki Level) – 5%
1 (Solomon Level) – 38%
2 (Freeman Level) – 40%
3+ (Mr. Dr. Paul Level) – 17%
Will there be a dugout brawl between teammates Ahmad Solomon and Dave Rodrigues?
YES – 51%
NO – 49%
Will Ahmad Solomon kick his first career home run? (Note to Yearwood: this can be a good bet)
YES – 45%
NO – 55%