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UGH....
6/13/2011
Tough night for the Militia, as the team dropped games to both division leaders.
The team did get to celebrate the return of Knutson. Welcome back Kelly!
Late games this week - 8:00 and 9:00pm on Northview 2.
The team did get to celebrate the return of Knutson. Welcome back Kelly!
Late games this week - 8:00 and 9:00pm on Northview 2.
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Mixed Bag for Militia
6/06/2011
Walks and Homeruns were the theme in game one last Thursday. ‘Nuke Laloosh’ Kurpiers gave up a handful of both as the Militia fell to the Fallen Stars by one. The squad put together a good rally and led by one run heading to the bottom of the 7th, only to let it slip away in the end.
In the nightcap, the Militia put a thorough pounding on Goodrich, defeating them by 16. Everyone had at least one RBI and many contributed with multiple hit games. Probably the most complete game we have had this season.
GAME NOTES:
- STATS ARE UP!!!!! Including the RBI counts from all games this season. I made my best guess in a few cases, but otherwise they are pretty spot-on.
- The fancy beer that Mac brought last week gave Josh a bad case of gas. Now Josh’s crops are dead.
- All the extra activity in left field made John M. lose 32 pounds. Some are concerned that this will affect his ability to make cute little icons at work.
BIGGEST Game Note of All – After all that the Militia has been through this season (playing with 8 guys, having a shitty pitcher, only having one case of beer one week, etc.), we are only one game back from first place. Kind of amazing really.
BIG GAMES THIS WEEK!!! We tangle with both first place teams, so please show up early and bring your ‘A’ games.
# 22 OUT!
In the nightcap, the Militia put a thorough pounding on Goodrich, defeating them by 16. Everyone had at least one RBI and many contributed with multiple hit games. Probably the most complete game we have had this season.
GAME NOTES:
- STATS ARE UP!!!!! Including the RBI counts from all games this season. I made my best guess in a few cases, but otherwise they are pretty spot-on.
- The fancy beer that Mac brought last week gave Josh a bad case of gas. Now Josh’s crops are dead.
- All the extra activity in left field made John M. lose 32 pounds. Some are concerned that this will affect his ability to make cute little icons at work.
BIGGEST Game Note of All – After all that the Militia has been through this season (playing with 8 guys, having a shitty pitcher, only having one case of beer one week, etc.), we are only one game back from first place. Kind of amazing really.
BIG GAMES THIS WEEK!!! We tangle with both first place teams, so please show up early and bring your ‘A’ games.
# 22 OUT!
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Streak Runs to 6!!!
5/27/2011
I'm no Chip McShluster, so I'll just say the last 3 weeks have been A LOT more fun than the first two. Let's keep it up.
STATS ARE UP!!!! Working on the RBI count for the first 4 weeks (at least what might make sense) so bear with me on that.
Post Game:
- After a brief discussion, the team decided that scoring 15 runs in an inning is enjoyable.
- Mac demands a rule that Surly Furious needs to be included in the beer assignments. Ironically, Mac is on beer duty next week.
- Schultz decides that Mac's ongoing back pain is due to the multiple layers of hair present on the Wookie's back. Mac claims the pain exists because he is carrying the team.
- Hareid pissed and moaned about moving around a few pounds of rock from under his deck. Farmer might borrow him some implement to assist.
- Salt and pepper sunflower seeds are not a preferred flavor. Please go back to the Original flavor.
Early games next week! Mac and Sam on Beer Duty.
# 22 OUT!
STATS ARE UP!!!! Working on the RBI count for the first 4 weeks (at least what might make sense) so bear with me on that.
Post Game:
- After a brief discussion, the team decided that scoring 15 runs in an inning is enjoyable.
- Mac demands a rule that Surly Furious needs to be included in the beer assignments. Ironically, Mac is on beer duty next week.
- Schultz decides that Mac's ongoing back pain is due to the multiple layers of hair present on the Wookie's back. Mac claims the pain exists because he is carrying the team.
- Hareid pissed and moaned about moving around a few pounds of rock from under his deck. Farmer might borrow him some implement to assist.
- Salt and pepper sunflower seeds are not a preferred flavor. Please go back to the Original flavor.
Early games next week! Mac and Sam on Beer Duty.
# 22 OUT!
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Noland and Kurpiers Steal the Show in Season Finale
7/23/2010
Eagan AP, July 23, 2010
It was a bittersweet season for the Militants as they closed the season with a 4 game win streak and beat their arch rivals Wayne’s Tire. However, they took second place in the league with a 14-8-2 record. It was by far their worst record over the past 3 years according to SlowPitchStats.com, the nations’ number one on-line website for softball statistics, but none-the-less it was a fun season and ended on a high note.
In game one, the Militia had to confront their 2010 rival, Wayne’s Tire with only 9 players. This left management with tough decisions. The Pappy move to RF probably wasn’t the smartest move, but that brought him back to first-base where he could trash talk with the opposing shortstop. Known as “Come Get Some” no relation to “He Hate Me” from the XFL, this chippy shortstop talked himself into a quarrel with Pappy. "Come Get Some" got "Some" when he got caught in a rundown after the crafty Militia pitcher tricked him into running to third. It was quite possibly the defensive highlight of the year. The Militia closed out the game 10-8 and it made the night and possibly the season. In a unofficial poll after the game, one person thought Pappy could have taken the shortstop;)
In game two, The Militia faced another familiar foe, Dart Transit. The highlight of the game was certainly the “shot” heard around the world. Keith Kurpiers, for one time, quit slapping at the ball and unleashed a 275 and 3/4 foot homerun over the 275 foot fence. Not used to hitting HR’s, Keith was nearly on 3rd base before he realized what had happened. “All I heard was NO WAY, lots of laughter, and something about a cherry. I soon realized I hit my first HR since I had hair, which was a long time ago”, noted Kurps after the game.
Speaking of hair, Mac Noland is still recuperating in a local hospital for dehydration and a procedure known as a dinglesectomy. First, Mac did not consume enough dark beer which caused the dehydration, and playing in CF, he had to run harder and faster than he ever had in his adult life. The persistent bursts of speeds and change of directions entangled a hairy mess in the shorts of Mr. Noland which would not allow him to poop. “It was like trying to poop through a birds nest and I had to take immediate action”, said Noland at the hospital. Doctors from the hospital had never seen such a case. The hydraulic tool known as the Jaws of Life were able to separate the mess after an 11 hour operation. Aaron Hareid, third baseman for the Militants went to see him the next day. “The thought of it made me puke, but I had to go see the guy being his wife was still cleaning the bathroom and couldn’t make it in there. I got there and he was talking to the nurse about the greasiness of the hair on his head. I guess he’s trying to figure out if he can harvest the grease on his head, which could then be transferred into the Beep Beep (his car) and replace the oil." Noland should be good to go for 2011 barring he's not the next oil sheik of the world.
Other game notes: Fuck game notes, we’re done and we had a fun year.
~Chip McSchluster
It was a bittersweet season for the Militants as they closed the season with a 4 game win streak and beat their arch rivals Wayne’s Tire. However, they took second place in the league with a 14-8-2 record. It was by far their worst record over the past 3 years according to SlowPitchStats.com, the nations’ number one on-line website for softball statistics, but none-the-less it was a fun season and ended on a high note.
In game one, the Militia had to confront their 2010 rival, Wayne’s Tire with only 9 players. This left management with tough decisions. The Pappy move to RF probably wasn’t the smartest move, but that brought him back to first-base where he could trash talk with the opposing shortstop. Known as “Come Get Some” no relation to “He Hate Me” from the XFL, this chippy shortstop talked himself into a quarrel with Pappy. "Come Get Some" got "Some" when he got caught in a rundown after the crafty Militia pitcher tricked him into running to third. It was quite possibly the defensive highlight of the year. The Militia closed out the game 10-8 and it made the night and possibly the season. In a unofficial poll after the game, one person thought Pappy could have taken the shortstop;)
In game two, The Militia faced another familiar foe, Dart Transit. The highlight of the game was certainly the “shot” heard around the world. Keith Kurpiers, for one time, quit slapping at the ball and unleashed a 275 and 3/4 foot homerun over the 275 foot fence. Not used to hitting HR’s, Keith was nearly on 3rd base before he realized what had happened. “All I heard was NO WAY, lots of laughter, and something about a cherry. I soon realized I hit my first HR since I had hair, which was a long time ago”, noted Kurps after the game.
Speaking of hair, Mac Noland is still recuperating in a local hospital for dehydration and a procedure known as a dinglesectomy. First, Mac did not consume enough dark beer which caused the dehydration, and playing in CF, he had to run harder and faster than he ever had in his adult life. The persistent bursts of speeds and change of directions entangled a hairy mess in the shorts of Mr. Noland which would not allow him to poop. “It was like trying to poop through a birds nest and I had to take immediate action”, said Noland at the hospital. Doctors from the hospital had never seen such a case. The hydraulic tool known as the Jaws of Life were able to separate the mess after an 11 hour operation. Aaron Hareid, third baseman for the Militants went to see him the next day. “The thought of it made me puke, but I had to go see the guy being his wife was still cleaning the bathroom and couldn’t make it in there. I got there and he was talking to the nurse about the greasiness of the hair on his head. I guess he’s trying to figure out if he can harvest the grease on his head, which could then be transferred into the Beep Beep (his car) and replace the oil." Noland should be good to go for 2011 barring he's not the next oil sheik of the world.
Other game notes: Fuck game notes, we’re done and we had a fun year.
~Chip McSchluster
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Hareid Channels Pete Rose and Preserves Tie Against Roiders
7/16/2010
Eden Prairie A.P. July 16, 2010
The Militants started out hot Thursday night against the first place Roiders 8-1, but fizzled in the late innings, only to preserve a tie 11-11. With two outs in the bottom of the 7th, B. Smith laced a short pop-fly to first and what seemed to be an easy play turned into a game changer. "When I saw that weak ass pop-up come over my head, I had a gut feeling and I just ran my ass off. I saw the look in Pappy's eye (coaching 3rd), it was like he saw the biggest hotdog of his life sitting right in front of him and I knew I had a chance", said Hareid after the game. With a Pete Rose like slide, the game was tied. The game went into unofficial extra innings where the Roiders claimed a 14-13 victory. The stats for the extra innings are in the book, but the official score was 11-11, which keeps the Militants in second place overall.
Game Summary: Hacksaw Dugan lead the team with a 4-5 effort at the plate with all of his hits stopping with back spin in the outfield. "It's a technique not many use in slow pitch softball I know, but it's very effective. HEYOHHHH!!!!", noted Skinner. Skinner was seen huffing glue between innings as he was nervous playing SS. It's been well documented that Skinner can't throw more than one ball across the diamond before Tommy John surgery. Old vets, Kurpiers and Knutson followed with 3-5 efforts. Since Knutson got off the DL, he's been Molitoring the ball to right field with ease and lifting his average above .600 for th first time all year. Mac Noland leads the team with a .675 average and could possibly hit the .700 mark next week going 9-9. If he hits .700 the team has decided to pitch in and get him some fuzzy dice for his wind-up car, known as the "beep beep".
Next week is the last week of ball for the Militia and they will face their arch nemesis Wayne's Tire. For this occasion many beers should be drank prior to the game and no fines will be leveraged if a fight brakes out.
Since a lot of scrubs batted like poop and had foul out K's, Knutson will bring a cooler with a 12vr. Mac, Kris and Paul also have 12vr's. Keith will bring the brown paper bags and glue. Sam is on seeds and Farmer will bring the hay bailer for Mac's haircut.
The Militants started out hot Thursday night against the first place Roiders 8-1, but fizzled in the late innings, only to preserve a tie 11-11. With two outs in the bottom of the 7th, B. Smith laced a short pop-fly to first and what seemed to be an easy play turned into a game changer. "When I saw that weak ass pop-up come over my head, I had a gut feeling and I just ran my ass off. I saw the look in Pappy's eye (coaching 3rd), it was like he saw the biggest hotdog of his life sitting right in front of him and I knew I had a chance", said Hareid after the game. With a Pete Rose like slide, the game was tied. The game went into unofficial extra innings where the Roiders claimed a 14-13 victory. The stats for the extra innings are in the book, but the official score was 11-11, which keeps the Militants in second place overall.
Game Summary: Hacksaw Dugan lead the team with a 4-5 effort at the plate with all of his hits stopping with back spin in the outfield. "It's a technique not many use in slow pitch softball I know, but it's very effective. HEYOHHHH!!!!", noted Skinner. Skinner was seen huffing glue between innings as he was nervous playing SS. It's been well documented that Skinner can't throw more than one ball across the diamond before Tommy John surgery. Old vets, Kurpiers and Knutson followed with 3-5 efforts. Since Knutson got off the DL, he's been Molitoring the ball to right field with ease and lifting his average above .600 for th first time all year. Mac Noland leads the team with a .675 average and could possibly hit the .700 mark next week going 9-9. If he hits .700 the team has decided to pitch in and get him some fuzzy dice for his wind-up car, known as the "beep beep".
Next week is the last week of ball for the Militia and they will face their arch nemesis Wayne's Tire. For this occasion many beers should be drank prior to the game and no fines will be leveraged if a fight brakes out.
Since a lot of scrubs batted like poop and had foul out K's, Knutson will bring a cooler with a 12vr. Mac, Kris and Paul also have 12vr's. Keith will bring the brown paper bags and glue. Sam is on seeds and Farmer will bring the hay bailer for Mac's haircut.
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Bullshit
6/18/2010
Chip is on assignment covering the world beer-pong championships in Browerville this week. I follow his tweets and he's at the VFW I guess following a debate about what beer is going to be used, Old Style or PBR. The entire town voted and it's looking like 17-4 in favor of Old Style...
All I can say about last night is that SVEN SUCKED the big one (insert pun). I'm still pissed about game one missing out on that W. I suppose I need to give props to Oachs for hitting a crucial bomb. The stat loading system did something funny today when I was inserting his HR. A window popped out and said "does not compute" and then I tried it again and it said "are you serious?". I manually had to go in and change the code for him, so sorry for the delay on getting stats up today.
Game two - Bullshit.
PEACE.
Knuts
All I can say about last night is that SVEN SUCKED the big one (insert pun). I'm still pissed about game one missing out on that W. I suppose I need to give props to Oachs for hitting a crucial bomb. The stat loading system did something funny today when I was inserting his HR. A window popped out and said "does not compute" and then I tried it again and it said "are you serious?". I manually had to go in and change the code for him, so sorry for the delay on getting stats up today.
Game two - Bullshit.
PEACE.
Knuts
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The Story of Paul Schenck and Resurgence of the Militia
6/11/2010
The Militia gave themselves a slim shot at getting back into title contention with two solid victories Thursday night in front of a 17th consecutive sell-out crowd. ESPN8, known as the "Ocho" was there televising the game of the week. The game almost started in a catastrophe as veteran infielder Mac Noland forgot to read the BEER email. “Was I supposed to bring beer?” said the trained gorilla as he walked up to the field in his bright red slacks. A fellow teammate who reads the emails picked up a reserve case so the tragedy was avoided.
In game one , Goodrich Tire who has been a thorn in the side of late couldn’t hit the knuckleball heaved by one Kelly Knutson. The defense played well behind the pitcher and the team pounded a season high 21 runs. Mac Noland hit his first HR of the year in a gusty wind blowing out; and the other team was very impressed with Mac’s upright running style as he went to retrieve his HR. “I mean his hairy knuckles still touch the ground a lot when he runs, but he’s very well trained.” I wonder if we can teach him to change tires at the shop for bananas or something, said a Goodrich Tire engineer.
3-4, 7RBI’s are not the entire season stats of Jesse Oachs, but that of one game by rookie Paul Schenck. The story of Paul Schenck dates back to his upbringing in a small town in Indiana called Pawnee. In Pawnee they didn’t have much, only a history of slavery and prostitution. “My dad tried to sell me for $11 dollars when I was twelve, but that was asking too much. He threw in my brother Adam and we were sold to a family in Eagan Minnesota where my slave parents taught us how to hit softballs and fix computers. I focused on softball and Adam on computers. It was then I knew what my calling was, and that’s hitting bombs”, said Schenck after the game. Schenck went on to say how he wants to go back to Pawnee one day and blow up the entire city.
Game notes: Sam Skinner hit into a double play with bases loaded. Oachs lifted his average to .401. Kriss Gross went 4-8 for swearing and 4-8 hitting in the two games.
In game one , Goodrich Tire who has been a thorn in the side of late couldn’t hit the knuckleball heaved by one Kelly Knutson. The defense played well behind the pitcher and the team pounded a season high 21 runs. Mac Noland hit his first HR of the year in a gusty wind blowing out; and the other team was very impressed with Mac’s upright running style as he went to retrieve his HR. “I mean his hairy knuckles still touch the ground a lot when he runs, but he’s very well trained.” I wonder if we can teach him to change tires at the shop for bananas or something, said a Goodrich Tire engineer.
3-4, 7RBI’s are not the entire season stats of Jesse Oachs, but that of one game by rookie Paul Schenck. The story of Paul Schenck dates back to his upbringing in a small town in Indiana called Pawnee. In Pawnee they didn’t have much, only a history of slavery and prostitution. “My dad tried to sell me for $11 dollars when I was twelve, but that was asking too much. He threw in my brother Adam and we were sold to a family in Eagan Minnesota where my slave parents taught us how to hit softballs and fix computers. I focused on softball and Adam on computers. It was then I knew what my calling was, and that’s hitting bombs”, said Schenck after the game. Schenck went on to say how he wants to go back to Pawnee one day and blow up the entire city.
Game notes: Sam Skinner hit into a double play with bases loaded. Oachs lifted his average to .401. Kriss Gross went 4-8 for swearing and 4-8 hitting in the two games.
[ Comments (1) ]
Kelly Knutson Jun 12, 2010 10:32 pm
this posting is awesome, i wonder who thought of this?
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Wayne's World and New Assignments
6/07/2010
Eagan AP, June 3, 2010
Inbreds from Wayne's World shoved it up Militia's ass Thursday night 10-8. Militia hit poorly and defense was porous, again. Props to Pappy for hitting a bomb and showing Wayne's Tire the Militia should not change their name to The Melissa for the time being.
In game two, The Militia rebounded and pounced on Dart Transit 8-1. The only run given up was due to Corky misjudging a ball in left-field, again. Corky (aka Nick Punto, aka Jesse Oachs) compensated for his fielding by ripping a single his four at bats. Corky is close to batting .381 and could be on a hot streak.
{Taped Conversation after the game with Oachs}
Chip: So what happened on those fly balls tonight?
Oachs: They hit balls high and hard
Chip: So when they hit them high and hard, do you think you should back up?
Oachs: So, what you're saying is, I should back up?
Chip: Yeah, that's the idea...
Oachs: Oh.
Chip: So what's with the .381 average?
Oachs: That's better than Morneau
Chip: He hits baseballs coming at nearly 100 MPH, you get tossed underhand softball the size of grapefruits.
Oachs: That's unpossible.
Game notes: Mac Noland has been assigned to 2B where he can be hidden from ground-balls. Sam Skinner and his torn rotator cuff will be assigned the 5-man position. It is not known if he will toss the ball to Mac to relay to first-base. Keith Kurpiers has been given approval by the doctors for his gender reassignement, completing the Oprah transformation.
~CM
Inbreds from Wayne's World shoved it up Militia's ass Thursday night 10-8. Militia hit poorly and defense was porous, again. Props to Pappy for hitting a bomb and showing Wayne's Tire the Militia should not change their name to The Melissa for the time being.
In game two, The Militia rebounded and pounced on Dart Transit 8-1. The only run given up was due to Corky misjudging a ball in left-field, again. Corky (aka Nick Punto, aka Jesse Oachs) compensated for his fielding by ripping a single his four at bats. Corky is close to batting .381 and could be on a hot streak.
{Taped Conversation after the game with Oachs}
Chip: So what happened on those fly balls tonight?
Oachs: They hit balls high and hard
Chip: So when they hit them high and hard, do you think you should back up?
Oachs: So, what you're saying is, I should back up?
Chip: Yeah, that's the idea...
Oachs: Oh.
Chip: So what's with the .381 average?
Oachs: That's better than Morneau
Chip: He hits baseballs coming at nearly 100 MPH, you get tossed underhand softball the size of grapefruits.
Oachs: That's unpossible.
Game notes: Mac Noland has been assigned to 2B where he can be hidden from ground-balls. Sam Skinner and his torn rotator cuff will be assigned the 5-man position. It is not known if he will toss the ball to Mac to relay to first-base. Keith Kurpiers has been given approval by the doctors for his gender reassignement, completing the Oprah transformation.
~CM
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Assholes
5/28/2010
It was confirmed Thursday night at Lex-Dif that the Militia suck assholes, particularly against Thomson Roiders. I recall several years ago I attended the Militia and Norms softball games as young beat writer in Eagan. I just got my cubicle at the Eagan Times and looked forward to Thursday nights when the upstart Militia squad took on the fierce Norms, lead by a bunch of cockfucks. It took 2-3 years before the Militia squad got the confidence and the personnel to consistently beat the Norms. Years later (now in my corner office) I fear there is a changing of the guard and don’t look forward to Militia/Roiders games. The Militia has looked their age of late and people are wondering if they are in fact on the down swing. At the press conference after the game, manager Keith Kurpiers commented about the 20 run loss and about the state of the Militia. “My fucking balls have been itching since last Friday night, so that’s my excuse. I’ve been pissing snot and blood and you can eat shit, Chip”.
In other news….It was confirmed later that evening by Mac Noland at Buffalo Wild Wings, he does not suck on his wife’s asshole. Several other “no comments” were recorded off the record, but Kurpiers was present , as was Skinner, Knutson, and Oachs.
In retrospect the Militia stand at 6-4 in the middle of the standings, unfamiliar territory, but a strong run can get them back in contention if they get their heads out of their assholes. June 17th is the next meeting between the two rivals and I have a feeling the old guys are going to punch the Roiders in the throat and be on their way to another championship.
See LINKS on this page for all you need to know.
Chip McShluster
In other news….It was confirmed later that evening by Mac Noland at Buffalo Wild Wings, he does not suck on his wife’s asshole. Several other “no comments” were recorded off the record, but Kurpiers was present , as was Skinner, Knutson, and Oachs.
In retrospect the Militia stand at 6-4 in the middle of the standings, unfamiliar territory, but a strong run can get them back in contention if they get their heads out of their assholes. June 17th is the next meeting between the two rivals and I have a feeling the old guys are going to punch the Roiders in the throat and be on their way to another championship.
See LINKS on this page for all you need to know.
Chip McShluster
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Yuck
5/15/2010
Eagan AP, May 15, 2010
It's taken days for this beat reporter to come up with the words to sum up this weeks action at Northview Fields. Wayne's Auto bent over the Militants in game one, winning by errors and timely hitting.
In game two, rookie Paul O'Neil belted a towering solo shot to enter the HR race. Now the Militants have two lefties that have gone yard this year, marking a first in team franchise history.
Other notes: Farmer STRUCK-OUT and owes a case of beer for next week's game.
It's taken days for this beat reporter to come up with the words to sum up this weeks action at Northview Fields. Wayne's Auto bent over the Militants in game one, winning by errors and timely hitting.
In game two, rookie Paul O'Neil belted a towering solo shot to enter the HR race. Now the Militants have two lefties that have gone yard this year, marking a first in team franchise history.
Other notes: Farmer STRUCK-OUT and owes a case of beer for next week's game.
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New Militia Uniform Makes Debut
5/07/2010
Eagan AP, May 6, 2010.
The Militants brought their hot bats to the field Thursday night, blistering more than 20 hits and routing “Fart” Transit 22-7. Third year OF Kris Gross continued his hot streak going 4-4, which gives him 9 consecutive hits in his last two games. Militia’s Jenny Craig Spokesman, Mac Noland is even impressed with this feat. “Even though this is slow-pitch softball, hitting safely in 9 consecutive at-bats is truly unprecedented. The Dow Jones Industrial (DGJI) never had such hot streaks back in 2000 and 2002,” stated Noland (who references the Dow weekly and compares most of life’s events to the DGJI).
Militia shortstop Josh “Farmer” Picher got a nap in before the game and seemed fully awake this week. In previous games, Farmer took numerous softballs off his chest, causing him to wear a chest plate in subsequent games. “It was getting hard to steer the combine in the fields will all these bruises,” noted the shortstop. Noland was seen in the dugout after the game writing notes, wondering if there was a correlation to the Accenture stock and Farmer’s fielding percentage.
Overall the Militants are hitting the ball very well according to Manager Keith Kurpiers, “Maybe it was the new uniform or maybe it was the weather. We only have a few power hitters on the team, so it kept the “little guys” from trying to hit them out of the park. I was astonished that our 4 hitter hit a soggy, marshmellow of a ball out of a ballpark, no less STRAIGHT AWAY centerfield. Then we had our 10 hitter hit one out a mile, so I was really happy with our bats tonight.”
Notes: Rookie utility Paul Schenk is still suffering from a groin injury and looks to take some OF next week. Third baseman Aaron Haried got new shoes and likely blinded the opposing left-handed batters. Jesse Oachs is trying to eclipse the HR drought between at-bats, but has a long way to go to catch Kurpiers. It was reported Jake Reint slept in his new Militia jersey last night he liked it so much. A sweatpants fundraiser will be held at Rascals in Eagan for Mac Noland – Noland suffering from losses on the DGJI has not been able to afford new pants for softball. If proceeds exceed $8, the remaining funds will go to double AA batteries for Mac’s Honda.
~CM
The Militants brought their hot bats to the field Thursday night, blistering more than 20 hits and routing “Fart” Transit 22-7. Third year OF Kris Gross continued his hot streak going 4-4, which gives him 9 consecutive hits in his last two games. Militia’s Jenny Craig Spokesman, Mac Noland is even impressed with this feat. “Even though this is slow-pitch softball, hitting safely in 9 consecutive at-bats is truly unprecedented. The Dow Jones Industrial (DGJI) never had such hot streaks back in 2000 and 2002,” stated Noland (who references the Dow weekly and compares most of life’s events to the DGJI).
Militia shortstop Josh “Farmer” Picher got a nap in before the game and seemed fully awake this week. In previous games, Farmer took numerous softballs off his chest, causing him to wear a chest plate in subsequent games. “It was getting hard to steer the combine in the fields will all these bruises,” noted the shortstop. Noland was seen in the dugout after the game writing notes, wondering if there was a correlation to the Accenture stock and Farmer’s fielding percentage.
Overall the Militants are hitting the ball very well according to Manager Keith Kurpiers, “Maybe it was the new uniform or maybe it was the weather. We only have a few power hitters on the team, so it kept the “little guys” from trying to hit them out of the park. I was astonished that our 4 hitter hit a soggy, marshmellow of a ball out of a ballpark, no less STRAIGHT AWAY centerfield. Then we had our 10 hitter hit one out a mile, so I was really happy with our bats tonight.”
Notes: Rookie utility Paul Schenk is still suffering from a groin injury and looks to take some OF next week. Third baseman Aaron Haried got new shoes and likely blinded the opposing left-handed batters. Jesse Oachs is trying to eclipse the HR drought between at-bats, but has a long way to go to catch Kurpiers. It was reported Jake Reint slept in his new Militia jersey last night he liked it so much. A sweatpants fundraiser will be held at Rascals in Eagan for Mac Noland – Noland suffering from losses on the DGJI has not been able to afford new pants for softball. If proceeds exceed $8, the remaining funds will go to double AA batteries for Mac’s Honda.
~CM
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A Night of Firsts
4/30/2010
Eagan AP, April 30, 2010.
It was a night of firsts for the Militia on a cloudy Thursday evening at Lexington Diffley fields. The Thomson Roiders spanked the Militants in game one, marking the first time the Roiders 10-runned their arch rival. Asked about a surge in talent from the opposing team, Manager Keith Kurpiers stated, “I will say they have re-loaded, they have a talented squad and I was running all over the place. However, I will say I was distracted by Noland’s bright red new shoes and ultra tight shirt. I got a gut-ache just looking at how tight that shirt was.”
In game two, more firsts were encountered. Kris Gross, still gleaming from his HR last week, followed that performance with his first 5-5 night, along with 5 runs scored. The 9 and 10 hitters went 9 for 10 at the plate with 8 runs scored. Rookie Paul “O’Neil” Schenk rebounded from a shot up the middle and sore groin AND he didn’t throw his bat this week!
According to the Elias Sports Bureau, former Twin and major leaguer Jason Tyner had gone 1,220 at bats and 390 games between homeruns. It traveled 352 ft with a stiff wind blowing out. Following Jason Tyner is Militia’s own Keith “Oprah” Kurpiers who had gone over 1,000 at bats and 250 games before hitting his second HR in a Militia uniform. Rumors have swirled around Keith’s newfound power surge. Many suggest lack of sex, HGH, an illegal bat, or all of the above. A poll taken in the Eagan Gazette has lack of sex leading (90%) followed by HGH (5%) and illegal bat (5%). Regardless, the sweet talking ladies man is in the HR race, which is currently lead by the consistent power swinging K Knutson (who has lots of sex).
Next week the Militia has just one game at 6:00 at Lex-Dif and another sold out crowd is expected.
~CM
It was a night of firsts for the Militia on a cloudy Thursday evening at Lexington Diffley fields. The Thomson Roiders spanked the Militants in game one, marking the first time the Roiders 10-runned their arch rival. Asked about a surge in talent from the opposing team, Manager Keith Kurpiers stated, “I will say they have re-loaded, they have a talented squad and I was running all over the place. However, I will say I was distracted by Noland’s bright red new shoes and ultra tight shirt. I got a gut-ache just looking at how tight that shirt was.”
In game two, more firsts were encountered. Kris Gross, still gleaming from his HR last week, followed that performance with his first 5-5 night, along with 5 runs scored. The 9 and 10 hitters went 9 for 10 at the plate with 8 runs scored. Rookie Paul “O’Neil” Schenk rebounded from a shot up the middle and sore groin AND he didn’t throw his bat this week!
According to the Elias Sports Bureau, former Twin and major leaguer Jason Tyner had gone 1,220 at bats and 390 games between homeruns. It traveled 352 ft with a stiff wind blowing out. Following Jason Tyner is Militia’s own Keith “Oprah” Kurpiers who had gone over 1,000 at bats and 250 games before hitting his second HR in a Militia uniform. Rumors have swirled around Keith’s newfound power surge. Many suggest lack of sex, HGH, an illegal bat, or all of the above. A poll taken in the Eagan Gazette has lack of sex leading (90%) followed by HGH (5%) and illegal bat (5%). Regardless, the sweet talking ladies man is in the HR race, which is currently lead by the consistent power swinging K Knutson (who has lots of sex).
Next week the Militia has just one game at 6:00 at Lex-Dif and another sold out crowd is expected.
~CM
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Watch the Rotation - BAM!
4/23/2010
Eagan AP, April 23, 2010
In game one of the doubleheader the Militants took down the Natural Born Losers, formally know as Computer Red. Different name same result as they couldn't combat the sticks and eventual good gloves of the veteran Militia squad. Super "sub" Fritz Skinner lead the bombers with 3 hits and 3 RBI's.
In game two, the Militia squad faced up against the ever dangerous Goodrich Tire team and escaped with an 18-14 win. Goodrich reloaded in 2010 and has hot bats throughout the line-up. After some troubling at bats for RF Kris Gross, KG TAGGED a 3-run HR in the 4th inning. The first ever HR ball hit in his Militia uniform was retrieved and is now enshrined on his desk at work. "I have to admit I peed a little after I saw it was over the fence I was so excited", noted KG in the post game press conference.
Not to be outdone, veteran utility man Kelly Knutson assessed the situation and knew what he had to do. "All I said is I have to go yard, it's as simple as that. If KG can knock one out of here, I should be able to do it as well. I walked up to the plate, no practice swing and visualized what I had to do. I talked myself through it. Loose grip, then strong grip, left hip inside, rotate and swing my balls out", stated Knutson after the game with smoke and beer in hand.
~CM
In game one of the doubleheader the Militants took down the Natural Born Losers, formally know as Computer Red. Different name same result as they couldn't combat the sticks and eventual good gloves of the veteran Militia squad. Super "sub" Fritz Skinner lead the bombers with 3 hits and 3 RBI's.
In game two, the Militia squad faced up against the ever dangerous Goodrich Tire team and escaped with an 18-14 win. Goodrich reloaded in 2010 and has hot bats throughout the line-up. After some troubling at bats for RF Kris Gross, KG TAGGED a 3-run HR in the 4th inning. The first ever HR ball hit in his Militia uniform was retrieved and is now enshrined on his desk at work. "I have to admit I peed a little after I saw it was over the fence I was so excited", noted KG in the post game press conference.
Not to be outdone, veteran utility man Kelly Knutson assessed the situation and knew what he had to do. "All I said is I have to go yard, it's as simple as that. If KG can knock one out of here, I should be able to do it as well. I walked up to the plate, no practice swing and visualized what I had to do. I talked myself through it. Loose grip, then strong grip, left hip inside, rotate and swing my balls out", stated Knutson after the game with smoke and beer in hand.
~CM
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